eleanor-alice-blog1

[eleanor-alice-blog1]

Misadventures in Dating

Chapter 1

A Text To Remember

“Hi, I am Ricky. My favorite serial killers are the ones that eat people. I hope I am not being too forward.”

“If you let me, I will cook and clean for you, give you massages, get aroused when you tease me about other possible boyfriends, and I will love it when you laugh at me for doing anything you tell me…

Or I could make you beg to do all of these things for me…

Or we could fight over it and see who ends up on their knees first…”

Savka snorted, “Oh my god! These are so utterly good! How do these weirdos find you?”

“These are pretty damn funny,” John agreed. “Read another one!”

“Okay, okay, I got another entertaining one today, let me find it.” I scrolled through the messages on my dating profile to find the most inappropriate message hiding somewhere within my inbox. As soon as I found it, I could feel my cheeks redden. “I don’t even know if I want to share this one with you guys,” I teased.

“Yes you do!” John shot back vehemently.

“You’re right, I do.” I cleared my throat. “You’re so pretty it’s sick. I would so eat your ass like a cupcake!”

Savka toppled over with laughter. “Holy crap! Seriously, who says this shit to strangers?”

“These guys, apparently.”

“On behalf of the male population, I would like to offer a heartfelt apology,” John remarked.

“That’s sweet of you. But geez, now I don’t know which of these guys to pick. Will it be bachelor number one, bachelor number two, or bachelor number three?”

“Number three!” Savka and John shouted in agreement.

I laughed. “Why do you guys have such a hard-on for the third guy?”

“Because you just got out of a bad breakup with that douchesicle and need your ass eaten. Badly,” John smirked.

“Don’t call him a douchesicle. He is not a bad guy. I think once he realizes…”

“Ellie, for the millionth time, you two are not getting back together. He fucking left you!” Savka always was the straight shooter, even when it hurt. “He is a douchesicle for what he did to you. Who randomly sees their ex-wife on a plane, decides that he is still in love with the bitch, and dumps you and tells you the entire two years you were together that he never gave a crap about you? He is the king of douchesicles! I don’t care how hot, smart, or successful he was. You can do better. You will find better, I promise.”

My heart still ached from the immense pain of my fresh breakup wounds. It hurt like nothing I had ever felt before: an actual physical ache, as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and stomped on before being haphazardly replaced in my vacant chest cavity. “I don’t know, Sav, I just want him. I love him so much. I know he was shitty at the very end, and I know I should not love him after everything, but I still do and I don’t know how to get over him.”

“I do,” Savka said, giving John a knowing look. “Girl, the best way to get over a guy, is to get under a new one!”