elegantimperfectcreation-blog

[elegantimperfectcreation-blog]

Broken

November 2015 I decided i wanted to try to have a second child. After having the Mirena IUD for 4 years i set up an appointment to have it removed. I had my appointment easy removal no issues no pain, i was given prenatals to get started.

I was under the impression that i would get pregnant within a few months! 3 months past and nothing was happening....4...nothing....5...looking blue about now...6..7..8..9.10 NOTHING. I had been tracking my period VIA period calendar which also tracks ovulation, i also tracked ovulation VIA ovulation tests, i wasn't ovulating. I was beginning to think i would not get pregnant, i gave up. November 2016 I decided to stop trying and instead focus on weight loss, since it was a much needed thing for me. I focused so much on my weight loss that i am now 50lbs down by July of 2017. I feel much better and my husband wanted us to try again, i didn't want to try again because i felt defeated the first time. Although i felt defeated i was FINE. But i didn't want to go through it all again. I finally gave in seeing that, maybe my weight had played a factor in my inability to get pregnant, my husband really wanted this and so does our 6 year old daughter so i said FINE we can try again, it is now October and i am still not pregnant. This time i went back to the Doctor. Not only do i feel defeated i feel broken, worthless, like TRASH. I feel like as a woman I am worth nothing. I was told i do not have PCOS but i do have Multiple Cysts on my ovaries. There was my answer. I've had depression before and before i knew it i started spiraling down i knew i would fall back into it, i was stress eating and I'm currently undoing all the hard work i put in to lose weight. All because i found out I am broken.

The Dr wants me to try fertility pills, but what will that do? Its going to heighten my expectations and then they are just going to come crashing down when i don't get pregnant. I am currently still in this state of pre-depression i can feel it coming i can see it close and i don’t know what to do to run away from it. I wish i wouldn’t have tried again, i wish i would have stuck to my guns and just continued on my weight loss journey i wish i wouldn't have wanted another baby and this would have never happened.

I feel like I shouldn't talk about this to anyone because I do not want to have pitty from my friends or family. Only my husband knows, I am afraid to tell my mom and I tell her everything. I am afraid to speak to people who care about me because I am afraid they wont care enough, or that they will care too much. It's not a happy medium situation if they care I will assume its pitty, if they don't I will assume they just don't care about me. It's not their fault and i know that, but this is why I don't want to tell anyone. This only happened Tuesday and every day since then I have had people throw me the so typical "you should have another baby!" What do i say to that? Nothing all I say is "Nah it's ok i dont want one" all the while im texting my husband telling him I am about to cry. This is HORRIBLE, i never thought this would happend to me and yet it has. I dont know what to do or how to act. I feel like the emotions people are getting from me are fake, i feel like my emotions to myself are fake. I lie to myself too much? Im so confused about life. What did I do that was so terrible to have God punish me? Why does God think I am not capable of being a good mom?

I'm done :(