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[elevated-a]

Sit with it.

Ayoooooo!

Who the fuck do I think I am coming on here a year later to drop some elevated truths!?

I was just reading my last post that I wrote May 2019!

Who did I think I was!? Talking about sitting in uncomfortable situations. What a baby I was- barely starting my self love journey. I copied a quote that I had posted last year; only because I come to speak on the same thing today!

“Sometimes you just have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, confident being uncertain, and never shrink back just because something isn’t easy.”

I'm actually sitting in a state of shock that me a year ago posted this quote.                                                      You go girl!

Who would've known that I would be in such a better place than I was this time last year. This is what it's all about. You do the work and the universe will provide.

Let me just take it back to last year and explain what my space was like. May 2019; I had a job that I dreaded; like truly dreaded. I would do a 35 minute drive every single day and there wasn't one day that I didn't sit in the parking lot and cry before walking in the building. I'm saying dreaded. May 2019; I was in a "entrapment" that was full of lies and toxicity. May 2019; I was at an all time low vibration just all around. Mentally not in a good space, spiritually not in a good space, physically the worst shape I've ever been in.

I know what my close circle is going to say "What? No way. You seemed ok" and for the most part I was ok. But was ok just enough for me? I remember the exact moment that I decided that this shit isn't going to fly anymore. I wanted to be better, I wanted to be happy, even if that meant I had to cut ties with people that had been in my life for years. Even if that meant that I needed to not talk to anyone to keep my peace. I needed recovery. Recovery from myself and all the years of putting everyone else before me. 

My first words of advice; fucking don't! 

Don't ever put anyone's happiness before your own. It's ok to love some at full capacity and expect the same effort in return. It's ok to be yourself and love yourself more than you love anyone.

I use to think that loving myself more than anyone; meant that I was selfish. I was wrong.

The amount of fuckery that came from thinking like that was immense; on some days even too much to handle. I learned. I had to. I was tired of coming second. I never understood why in the beginning it was perfect and then out of nowhere. I wasn't happy. This feeling wasn't just in romantic relationships; it was in everything that I did.

My true epiphany was when I watched someone walk out of my life that I assumed was different. She was, but not in a way that you're thinking.

You never truly realize how much work you need to put into yourself until you're faced with someone who is a true reflection of you.

The moment that I said to myself "This girl needs to do the work"...  was an honest slap to my own face. I realized that I kept going through the same cycles because that's the exact vibe I put out for myself. People that are broken come to me because that's what I put out. A save me because I'm broken vibe. That's when I started the work.

I'm sure I was lazy and drained a few days after having this epiphany so I'm not going to say "yeah the next day I was better".

Shit doesn't work like that. As previously said, do the work and the universe will provide.

(Also, get the fuck out of here if you ever think it's ok for people to stop doing work on themselves)

Let's now fast forward a few months after that epiphany happened. I was focused, working on me, working on my mental and physical health. I started meditating and just randomly saying things like " I deserve a better space, I deserve a job that I love, I deserve someone to love me the way I love me. I deserve abundance”. Did I think anything would come of it? Nope.

But let me tell you what happened a few weeks after I started manifesting the things I deserved!

I lost my job that I hated. Blessing! In the moment you feel the defeat. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that I wasn't upset in the moment. I was. I loved the people I worked with. They were the reasons why I stuck around for as long as I did. I can honestly say that if I didn't lose the job, I would still be there. But I would also still be stuck in that cycle. When I actually sat with the uncomfortable of  everything that went on that day and me walking out of the building; that's when it hit me. I asked for this. I asked for more, I asked for something better and just because it wasn't served on a silver platter doesn't mean that it wasn't served. It truly was.

After this happened, I started to think about the things that I truly want out of life. I wrote a list. On that list were outrageous things that I would never in a million years think that I would be capable of doing. I'm slowly checking off that list. Do I think that I'm going to accomplish all those things on that list, probably not, some have priority over others. But the thing I do know is that I'm confident in uncertainty. No one ever built a legacy for themselves by sitting in their comfort zone.

This is the beginning of my journey to the light. I genuinely believe that you get what you give. If you take anything away from this 1 year recap of my small but powerful journey.. take this:

                   Do the work and the universe will provide.

 - Elevated A-

[elevated-a]

Cognizant

 What a perfect word for today’s life lesson.. 

In my previous post I mentioned that I was on my self journey to be present and self-aware. Let me share how today and my life lesson knocked me on my ass. 

I woke up today feeling “off”. I ignored it because that’s exactly how I cope. I did my normal routine; sit in bed, meditate, walk my girls, shower and dress, leave for work. Today was different, if felt different. Still ignoring my “off feeling” I drove to starbucks... then work. I couldn’t shake the feeling of something brewing inside of me. As the day progressed the brewing managed to consume my thoughts. What was going on with me? My thoughts. Anxiety attack? Period? Mad? Sad? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME? 

I easily crossed out every single thought that I had because this was something that I have never felt before. It was more than just the brewing inside of me. It almost felt like I had a chip on my shoulder, but why? Last night was a good night, the day not so much but the night... it was good. I tried to recap everything that had happened in the last few hours before I fell asleep. I came up with nothing. The old me would’ve said “fuck it” and suppressed any feelings that I no longer wanted to have. The new me (and remember this is me post self-aware) is trying to be better with my feelings, trying to be more open especially with myself. I knew I need to dig deeper but I couldn’t. I was focused. I was working. 

I’m sitting there looking at my screen and the only thing that comes to my mind is “emotional intelligence” and communication; or lack thereof. It amazes me how much I have grown as a person over just this past year. I look back at my life and constantly think “WTF was I thinking” but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve taken my mistakes and turned them into lessons. Anyways, the day passes, I leave work and I’m on my way to dinner, and yes the storm is still brewing inside of me. At this point, I’m so disturbed by this feeling that I’m allowing it to just take over my whole being. 

I don’t want you to think that this feeling is a bad feeling so let me clarify. The feeling I had was a feeling of entitlement. I needed validation and I needed it when I asked for it. Some people would call this “ego”.

I pride myself on being so many things that people my age are definitely not. Independent, strong, loyal, genuine, blunt, sarcastic, perceptive, sacrificing, emotionally intelligent. The universe tested me today. In all fairness, I suppose I asked for it. I recently met an amazing soul with the mental capacity of Jesus or so it seemed. Most of you know that I base a lot of my theories and characteristics of people on their zodiac sign. It’s a habit.. or should I say hobby that I love. (and it’ll probably never change) I always hated meeting new people and going through all the getting to know questions.. “what’s your favorite color?”.. “fav food?”.. and so on. I never thought about placement until today. When I say placement I mean; do you think that things happen for a reason? Do you think that the universe or a higher power makes things happen in your life for a reason? 

A huge part of my journey has been about finding what is true to me. What I like, what I don’t like, what I will allow myself to endure and what I will absolutely not. I’ve always been one to say “What’s meant to be is meant to be”, and of course I meant it but never on a level where I would think about it, say it and manifest these things. Going back to this amazing soul; this person had been around the sun for a few years more than I, about 35. (Let me just quickly mention that scorp/sag and full blown Geminis usually mix well only on a physical level) 

This was a different breed of Gemini. Allow me to talk this person up because she has truly changed my life in the time span of............ well you don’t need to know that, short time. I have never met anyone so headstrong, stubborn, loving but in an asshole way, emotionally intelligent, self-aware and self assured. You can imagine how I immediately became attracted to this person, her mind was astounding, her heart was gold (even though she claims to not have one), and metaphorically speaking,her scars were beautiful. I felt a fulfillment when we would converse about such mediocre things like coffee... or ice cream or music. It was invigorating. I would wake up every morning and look forward to our next conversation. In the midst of all the great conversation that we were having we were still dealing with our own lives, our own inconsistencies. 

Which brings me to today, to tonight, to right this moment. 

While I was sitting having dinner- my confidant noticed that I was acting a bit off, which was true (I was still brewing from the day). I had given her the events that occurred last night up until that moment. She saw herself in me. She noticed a brewing that she had once felt numerous times while on her journey to her own awakening. It was EGO. I immediately felt defeated. Defeated in a sense that I worked so hard up until this point to be so damn self-aware! To be able to put myself out there and be so fucking vulnerable that it made me sick to think that someone would take advantage of that. Ego. EGO! 

Gemini. I needed her to text me, I needed her to call me and tell me that she was ok. I came to terms that my ego was needing her validation. I was defeated. I was knocked on my ass today. The universe knocked me on my ass and I couldn’t be more grateful. 

“I’ll show you good, restore faith. I’ll try and somehow make a meaning of the poison of this place. Convince you love, don’t breathe it in. You were written in the stars that we are swimming in.”

   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lesson in this story is: 

Things really do happen for a reason. The universe or higher power will test you. It will either check to see if you will fall back into your normal routine of bullshit or it will challenge you and you will grow. Today, I grew. 

  [[Whether I ever speak to this soul again or not, that’s the unknown]]

“Sometimes you just have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, confident being uncertain, and never shrink back just because something isn’t easy.”

[elevated-a]

Hold.

"Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else”

                                                 --HOLY SHIT--

I got slapped with this quote a few moments before I started writing this. I’ve never felt anything more true, to be honest. These past two years I have been going through a “self awakening” (a phrase I like to use instead of bullshitting myself, throwing myself into work and closing people out) 

                                         .... putting myself on hold... 

Probably the easiest, yet most damaging thing that I have ever done to myself. Why? You ask. Maybe because I was alone in every aspect of my life... or so I thought. Cutting ties with my past was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. My day to day was fine... wake up, get dressed, go to work.. come home.. rinse.. repeat, like some kind of fucking hair moisturizer.  (Yes, my articulate ass just compared her life routine to a hair moisturizer... it’s that simple). I slowly recognized this routine was my vice. I was using this specific routine as a way to suppress what I was really going through which was a break up.. but not any kind of break up.. a break up with myself; give me a sec to explain the full complexity of this breakup. Over the years that I was existing, I became this lifeless person that had no passion and no goals in clear site. A person that was searching for a purpose when the purpose was sitting in front of her the entire time. I lived for a dream that I knew eventually would come to an end; nostalgia more than anything else. Clearly this dream had to run its course for me to see the reality; which has been my current state for a little under a year now. Over those years of nostalgia; I found myself falling in love with things that made no sense and falling out of love with myself. I never wanted to be the person that sat down and said “What the fuck happened to me?” but recently that’s all I’ve been saying. Now, I’m not saying that I went from being this outgoing, wild, happy and free person. I’ve always been this monotone, clever, dark enigmatic type but even with those characteristics I always had some kind of passion about my life. I don’t want to say that I was living a lie but in a sense I was.. constantly lying to myself. How do you lose passion? That’s been my question to myself every single day for the past 2 years. All the things that I loved and cared about faded away with the love that I had for myself. This quote made realize the reality in which I’m living in, the stupidity in which I was living in and all the lies that I was telling myself day to day due to nostalgia. 

When you look back at your life, can you say that you felt passion every single day? My life changed almost every single year.. which at the time I could never understand why. Now I understand that “what’s meant to be, will be” is not so much of a cliche anymore. People change, love changes, work changes, family changes. It’s more about how you deal with change and how you accept change that makes your life. The past is the past and all those thoughts and memories will always remain but nothing can be changed. 

                 Self- professed... profound. Done holding. I’m back.

                                                 ::Full Quote::

“Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because of their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful.”

-AG

[elevated-a]

All Heart

Not that im looking for anyone or wanting anything right now, but damn, can my someone be understanding?

Understanding not in the sense of "yeah I get it live your life" but on a whole other level.

Someone that understands that I want more than just an average relationship. Someone that understands that can handle me at most most dramatic self. Someone that understand my love for love. Someone that understands and connects with me on an emotional level. Someone that I can have dinner with in complete silence and they just get it. Someone that doesn't second guess anything about me. Someone that knows what my usual is.

Most people think these things are mediocre and insignificant. What if I told you that the word 'love' has been tossed around so much that it no longer has any meaning to it. What if I told you to strip it down? What happened to all the simple things that made us happy? What happened to hand written love letters? What happened to morning phone calls to say "have a great day!"? What happened to chivalry? What happened to society?

As we move forward in our day to day routines, I challenge you to strip it down. Think of all the little things that use to mean something to you. Remember how life, love and happiness used to be so........simple. Strip it down.

[elevated-a]

Barely Breathing

These past couple of months have been a struggle.. maybe even "The Struggle."

The beginning of the year was a major blur for me. I lost someone that meant the world to me. A couple of weeks later my heart broke. All I really remember is waking up to go to work everyday. I didn't give myself anytime to think about all the things that had been going on.

In the time that I had been going through "the motions" and steering clear of any kind of feelings, all the life that I had put into work had finally paid off. I finally received a job offer that I had been praying for. If you know me, then you know that working is my life. (I blame that fully on my parents!) What can I say, Im my parents poster child. Anyways, I accepted this job offer with no hesitation. In accepting this job offer I decided to take time for myself before I threw myself back into my work. When my me time started it was great! Waking up late, doing whatever i wanted (which means being lazy.) After about a week of having alone time to myself, all the stuff that i had yet to deal with started popping up. Mixed feelings about the ex, conflicting emotions within my heart, just a bunch of stuff. In the time that i was putting life into my work i forgot how to feel. I was numb. I liked it that way. Having this free time to myself led to me thinking, which led to me feeling. I never wanted to feel all the pain of losing someone so important, so i pushed it aside and poured work all over it. I learned my lesson about doing such things. I found myself depressed, not the average depressed that you should have after a break up, mine was beyond it. I'd like to say that im a very strong person, but during this time anything and i mean anything made me upset. Not the normal upset but the crying my eyes out upset. I was not me at all. After a week and a half of just laying in bed, i decided to get back to me. Noone will ever know how hard it was for me to pick myself up. Of course i did this all alone. At the time I felt that noone would understand. We had been through so much and my family and close friends were way over me "crying wolf." What they didn't know was that this time it was my decision to walk away and that this time it would be for good.

After beating myself up and probably gaining like 8 pounds, i was back to feeling.. well better. (lets be honest, noone recovers that fast! pfft!) The first thing I said to myself was, "why the hell dont you fit in your jeans!?" That's when my workout sessions started. I would wake up, run, workout and start my day. It was a pretty good deal. I was starting to feel like my old self again, ohh and i also lost weight. In the time that I was picking myself up i had met tons of new people that i now call friends. It was great! These new people in my life made me feel great about myself and made me feel like an amazing person. In the time that I was going through "the motions" i must have forgotten about my self worth. Friends reassuring me of how great of a person i was, was probably the best thing that anyone has ever done for me. I was happy again. This time it was genuine. I was also back to doing old things that I loved. Including writing, painting, social networking and so many more things.

I've literally been happy ever since. You might not believe me but I wake up happy. I might not stay happy through the whole day (because i get grouchy often) but i can honestly say that I wake up happy every single day. I feel like everyone should wake up this way. If you don't, then you need to rethink some choices in your life. Anyways, all this happiness has led up to probably a few days ago. (No, im not going to say that im not happy anymore so please simmer down!)

For as long as i can remember I have always wanted to be apart of a movement that actually made a difference. Of course in high school i did the little community, humanitarian groups but i wanted more. Helping people, making people smile and leading them in the right direction is where my heart is at (besides writing.) Im not about being conceited at all but i feel like im a great people person. (so good that i should've gone to school to be a therapist.) People just feel a comfort and trust in me, and of course i say this because i've actually been told these things, more than once. (i swear i have a point! lol) Anyways back to what i was getting at.

A few days ago i received this email from this amazing activist. I was asked to take part in an outreach program that helped people all over the world know their self worth. I WAS STOKED!!!!!!! (I still am!) It's been about 2 days now since i received this email and I couldn't be more excited. I guess the point of me sharing my numb story and me explaining everything that i had to go through to get to this genuinely happy point in my life is to show you that no matter what may come your way, you should always be number one to you. Life is all about emotions, whether they are happy, sad or what have you. Always know that there is always someone willing to listen and talk. Just because i went through pain and suffering alone doesn't mean that i never wished someone would have been there to talk, or listen or even just sit in silence. If all else fails, go back to a day in your life that you were happy, remember what made you happy and get that back. Just remember life is a one time run, so give it a run for its money! :)

-AA

[elevated-a]

Don't be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.

[elevated-a]

Hello there, truth!

[elevated-a]

Break Even

Sometimes it's not easy, sometimes love can scare you half to death. I can definitely vouch for that. After so much disappointment in my life and prior relationships; my mind was set. Alone. I never thought that I would ever find happiness or laugh again. I remember the day that I fell in love all over again. Sitting in a car that never mattered to me, listening to music that explained every emotion that I couldn't, in a relationship that was at wits ends. I fell in love with myself again. 2 years prior to this epiphany I gave someone my everything and made someone my life.  I now admit that when this relationship began I was immature and naive. During this 2 year relationship I can honestly say that I found myself. It might be the reason why I don't regret meeting this person or giving her the best of me. I regret some things, mostly the way I handled things and if you're reading this, I'm sorry for ever hurting you, may it have been major or minor; you'll always be my best friend and soulmate.

I believe now more than ever that you have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone happy. Although I lost this love awhile back, I've been on the road to recovery since then. I say recovery because there was a time when my heart felt like it was ripped from my being. That may sound dramatic but if you felt what I felt than you would agree that that's the only way to really explain it; but even then unexplainable. I didn't plan on sharing my farewell feelings but I convinced myself that it would show you how much i've grown as a person; plus im supposed to be letting you into my life.

My favorite saying is "Only you know when you've had enough." If you ever hear me give that advice, please don't think that im talking out of my ass because it really is truth. I'm living proof! Here's my proof. Going back to the day i fell in love with myself again.. I was sitting in this car. I was worn as well as the relationship I was in. Having a conversation at that time was like pulling teeth. It felt like we hated eachother and had nothing in common, we were literally at wits ends and all ends but didn't know it. I recall us listening to OUR favorite group Mazz. The song was "No es amor" (for those of you non mexican people, it means 'its not love', look it up.. its an amazing song) It was (and still is) one of my favorite songs. You would think that that would be the moment my epiphany happened, but it wasnt. We listened to the song. I mentioned how much i loved the song. Her response mocked my initial comment. Then she turned to me and said "Do you think that its important that family likes the person that you're with?" I replied with "I think that your family wants to see you happy. Do what makes you happy." Then epiphany happened. As we came closer to my house, i knew that that was the last time i was going to see her.. I was right. I don't regret my actions after that. I hugged her one last time, as all of our amazing memories ran through my head. I didn't want to let her go. I felt the whole 2 years starting to weigh my heart. I pulled away and she said "Iloveyou" i responded "iloveyoutoo" because i did.

I was broken. I never wanted to hurt someone or be hurt so much. I wanted to be happy but most importantly I wanted her to be happy. I don't and won't ever regret my decision to actually let her go. Her heart was conflicted. I'm happy to say that she is extremely happy or so i love to think.

Before you start thinking and judging let me just clear some things up.

Just because im sharing this painful experience doesnt mean that im not over her or our relationship. It means that I fell in love with an amazing person who taught me so many things that I could have never been able to teach myself. She meant (and still does) mean alot to me. If it wasnt for her coming into my life and shaking things up, i would not be who i am today. Just because we didn't work doesn't mean that i hate her because that to me is impossible. I love her dearly and always will. Even if we never speak again, she will always and forever be my best friend and soulmate.  I miss her friendship everyday.. and maybe in the future we will be able to be friends but for now we break even.

-A

[elevated-a]

Anonymous.

I hate when people make ignorant remarks. END OF STORY. If you have nothing good or smart to say then maybe you should keep your mouth shut! I know that we all have our different views and opinions on things but damn! I respect everyone for the opinions that they have but don't shove them at me. I'm not one to take rude'ness lightly. YOU think that i don't want rights and such amazing things? You might just be the biggest idiot that i have met thus yet. Of course i want the govt to be better and of course i want rights and i would do anything to have that. To be equal. What i wont do is sit here and talk about how "we're all screwed" and "how we shouldn't eat at at places where they don't like homosexuals!" Dude seriously? Grow up. People like you and that mouth is what gives us "homosexuals" a bad name and look. When "they" see people like you, so ignorant and obnoxious, "they" automatically think that that's how we all are. You sit here talking about how we need to "spread the love" and "come together as one" First off, we're not freakin hippies "dude" not all gays sit and smoke weed and talk shit about the govt. Some people actually have lives and work for a living and this might be a stretch for you but some actually have families too! I know man, you must be thinking "Dude, families, how radical!" Sista you are 25 years old and yet you have nothing to show for it. Stop trying to represent "us" and get your shit together.

Honestly guys, im not trying to be mean in any way. This is honesty right here. The facts are there. Yes the govt is bad. No we dont have rights, but i'd rather be living in the country, land of the free.. than anywhere on this planet. Although some of you think that the military is the worst thing in the world, its not. It's one of the things that probably saved your lives. Im anti-war but i wont ever disrespect a soldier by talking down about them. I have so much respect and admiration for the military its ridiculous. Although i would never have guts to join any branch of the military, some people live to serve and protect this country. Some families have actually lost family members to this service that some of you think is mediocre. I think that that's the most selfish thing that you can do is sit here and talk down about all our brave military soldiers ,that put their lives on the line, when you're not doing a damn thing with your life. GTFOH! What i really came here to say folks is have respect for the people that keep you safe around the clock. Afterall, they're only human too, just a whole lot braver than most!

Thanks to all the branches of military for keeping me and my loved ones safe. I will be forever in your debt.

-AA

[elevated-a]

Piece of me.

These past months have been kinda rough for me. Not in the sense that I'm struggling or anything like that, but just rough in general. I've been having dreams about my momma. I don't think people realize how close my grandma and i were (besides my mom) It was always just my grandma. my mom, and me. We lived together for so long that my grandma turned into another mom to me. She took care of me when i was a baby and my mom was working her butt off. Before school, after school.. day in and day out. She treated me like her own from day one. I never met my grandpa (because he passed a couple of months after i was born) When i was growing up, i started to realize that my grandma missed my grandpa very much. (just like anyone who was in love) I'm pretty sure that she's the reason why i wont ever give up on love. My mommas love was so much more than grandmother granddaughter love. Its so weird that now that I'm 24(going on 50) that i wish i was young again. I wish that i would've stuck around more than run off with my friends. I don't live in regret but i do regret this, not telling her everyday how much she meant to me. She was my world. I think about her every night before bed and i wake up to her picture every morning. For those of you with wondering minds, my grandma passed away when i was 16. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer, she was a stage 3 when we found out she had it. It was too late. I wont ever talk about it, so if you ever see me, please don't ask. (that was my fair warning) Its been around 7 years since she's been gone but I'm still not over it. I don't think that i will ever be over it. Its something that me and god have agreed to disagree about. She was mine, and he took her from me. That's the way that i see it, so please don't try to comfort the fact. Although i've been through many things after that, this will be the only thing that truly tears me apart whenever i think of it. (and I've been through hell, camped there and came back) All i can really say is, if you haven't been in my position, then you really don't know how i feel or where i stand. When it comes to things like this, im bitter. I'm not afraid to admit that. You guys will just never know. Anyways that's the biggest piece that I'm missing today. A place that can never be filled. I was just too young, it happened way to fast. Sometimes i lay in bed and recap that very day. I wont go into detail because i cant handle it still, but i was there sitting by her side. The point of this blog is just to give you guys a clip of why i am the way that i am.. and to let you know that things happen in life that you cant control. Sometimes the uncontrollable things are amazing and sometimes they're far from it. But you still have to deal, cry, be depressed, pick yourself up, and move on. To be honest, i think I'm just about in the middle of depressed and picking myself up.

-AA  

[elevated-a]

Wandering Minds.

"Love-Its not about how much you say it, but how much you prove it true"

At first i was going to sit here and rant on about how much i hate girls and what they have put me through but then i realized that no matter what i say or how much shit i talk about my exes and girls who have done me wrong, i wont feel better about how i am now.

If you know me from way back (middle school back) then you know about "my love" then. It was brutal. That "thing" that i thought was love wasted 6 years of my life. (now im only sharing this with you because reading my blog is kind of like sharing our lives) When my heart was clearly broken (and oh it was) i went on this rage. Rage of not caring, being heartless, doing whatever made me happy at anyone's expense. In the process of doing all of that im sure i've hurt many people, mostly girls. I never wanted to be "that guy". You know, the guy who gets his heart ripped from his chest and the only way he thinks he can get revenge is by taking it out on other people, yeahh that guy! Well, i was. I was "that guy" for about 2 yrs. People may call it being a bitch but i called it single. After my ridiculous, psychotic break up (her being the crazy not me) i felt like i didnt owe anything to anyone. I wasnt the prettiest (and im still not) girl ever, but somehow there was always something new, or should i say someone. (Now fyi, i didnt go slutting around, i just talked to alot of people and didnt really commit to anyone) which pissed the majority of them off. In my defense i wasnt ready! From then all the way up until tonight, i've had numerous encounters with girls who have always tried to make me commit. Its not that i never wanted to, its just kind of scary when you think about spending (wasting) another 6 years of your life. (just right now i realized something and im terribly stupid) I dont want to make the same mistakes i did back then. I dont mind making new ones but not the same ones. I trusted with ease back then, not now. Im not and will never be the same girl that i use to be. So much has happened (and i will NOT go in to detail, unless i plan to marry you) to me since that break up. I've had my ups and my downs and my all arounds. Who and i am and what i want to be now is someone totally different from who i was back then. I will never regret anyone that i have ever come across, only because at one point in time it was exactly what i wanted. I hate when people say "i hate my ex, i would never take them back!" it annoys me to the fullest. Let me just be super honest, beside 2 of my exs that have gone down in the books as being PSYCHO, i would give my exs a chance. I know feel free to say whatever you want, but let me defend myself. I dont have many exs and the ones that i do have, well they have seen me through so much. Not to mention that i adore every single one of them, just because we were friends before anything. Call me crazy but that is just how i am. Now im not saying that i would get back with them immediately or jump into their arms. HA! Come on guys, you know me better than that! I would give them one opportunity of redemption. Thats it. Everyone deserves a second or third chance. Sometimes, people are so crazy about someone that they cant think straight. (or at least thats what i hear about love) Think about it. Im not encouraging anyone to run back to their exs but if love is still there then you might consider. Let me leave you with this. If you can honestly sit there and think of your ex with someone else, and it doesnt make you sick, then you're ready to move on.. but if you sit there and you're stomach is already turning with just the thought. Rethink.

-AA 

[elevated-a]

Someone, someday..

Dear you, This is a little note to say that i love you. Not love you love you, but just love you. Love you for the person you are and for the person that you have yet to become. I know i don’t mention this as often as i should but im glad you stayed. I’m glad you stayed in my life. I feel like my life doesn’t deserve someone as awesome as you. I don’t want you to be scared anymore, i want your life to have color. When i say “have color” i mean, i want it to be more than just a shade of gray. I want you to feel all the love that you deserve. I want you to forget the past and let it go. You are worth every second of someones being. You’re amazing. I hope when you find out that much that I’m still around to see you amazingly happy. Thank you for bringing me back to life. Thank you for making me see color again. Thank you for listening to me. Most importantly, thank you for listening to my heart. I would still be stuck in monotone if it wasn’t for you. I’ll be forever in your debt. -AA

[elevated-a]

"RCG" Cant live without.

Im a freaking freak! This blog is going to be about what moves me. Not interested? Then get the hell off my blog 'cause im about to lay it all on the line! (haha not really, i scared myself when i said that) You're probably wondering what "RCG" is, keep wondering. Let me just say that, not many things impress me. I feel like i've seen, felt, and heard it all before. For the most part i have! Most of the time i can look at a person and call them out. When i have a bad feeling about something, im always right! (which is probably the reason why i walk away from things, dont get me started!) Anyways, back to being unimpressed, it takes alot to impress me or get my attention. If you know me, then you know that i dont just talk to anyone.. i dont come off as the nicest person in the world, and im ok with that. I like to have distance between me and people. It puts me at ease (for personal reasons) So many of you creeps have been asking "what it takes to get in my pants?" ahhaha just kidding. You're actually asking "what it takes to capture my heart?" uhh lets see. ALOT! Like i said before i distance myself from people and if you can crack my security code, survive an ass kicking from my ninja squad, and climb a bean stock then repunzle will consider letting down her hair. (and even then its just a consideration..) Im just not a very trusting person. I can honestly count on one hand how many people i trust, besides my family. You guys just have to understand that i really am complicated (more than you can imagine) but once you're in, you're in for life. Im not a typical girl, so capturing my heart would be time consuming. I can sit here and tell you what i like and what i dont, but what good will that do. Let me just be straight up. I dont like the typical get to know you process, it bores me. Me and boring DO NOT go together! Let me just tell you what i want. I want someone different! Someone that will be there for me on my best and worst day. Someone that will be selfless for me. (meaning they will put aside what they have going on, just to listen for 2 seconds) Someone who is considerate. Someone who loves their family just like i do. Someone smart. Someone funny. Someone caring. Someone who wants more than sex. Someone who also loves sex.(this is me being honest) Someone who understand that i love the things that i love for a reason. Someone thats respectful. Someone that has their own opinion.(and just doesnt go along with what i say) Someone good looking.(haha i'd like to feel attractive at all costs) Someone who is willing to just lay anywhere and hold me. Someone who is willing to do crazy and daring things with me (not for me, WITH ME) Someone that understand that i work for me and for me only. Someone that is willing to meet me half way.(im so over taking care of people, its my turn!) Someone that understands that im independent and although ill give you the respect of telling you things, respect that my decisions wont change. I feel like this is the reason why im still single. I have to many requirements and standards for people. Although i have NOT EVER met one person who holds these requirements, i still date. I date the "typical lesbo" who claims to be different, who can show me something better, who can change my perspective on love and being loved. WRONG! Not one yet sweety pies! Being sweet shouldnt have to only be in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship. It should be all the time, even when you're so upset with someone that you just want to grab their face kiss them so hard that you make them feel your love. Someone that is actually passionate about something, and that's not afraid to show it, no matter what it may be. Someone that can shut me up for more than 2 seconds (you guys know i can talk) Am i boring you yet? This is exactly what you guys wanted to know. Im passionate about something that i have never really had.. ever! If i can blab on and on about something that ive never had then imagine (imaginate!) what i could really talk about. I want someone that i can share stuff with, someone that will laugh at my jokes even when they're ridiculous. Someone who is just as passionate about love and life as much as i am. Someone who is willing to stick around through all the bullshit because let me just make this clear. Im not perfect! I never claim to be. I flaunt all my flaws first, then if you're still around you get all the better things that come along with me. Like they say "If you cant love me at my worst, then you dont deserve me at my best." I believe in heavy ass quotes like that! (just fyi) I dont believe in "happy endings" i think when you're in love then that love is never ending, even if its happy. (totally my thoughts, not shoving anything at you, but im right and you're wrong! jk lol) All i really want is just a simple love. Someone to sit on the couch, cuddle and drink coffee with. Ohh yes, and can my true love also love cottage cheese! DANG!

-AA 

[elevated-a]

Love and then there's me.

I'm such a spaz if you couldn't already tell. (Just had to throw that out there) People are begging me to talk about relationships and how i've overcome all the things that i've been through. The truth is, i have yet to overcome anything. Yes, time has healed some wounds but not enough time and dedication in the world can ever supress my memories that i refuse to let go of. I call these memories "weak moments" because that's exactly what they are. A moment in time when i think about all the things that was amazing about that time and person in my life, then all those memories flourish and I'm back to reality. NOT ENOUGH DETAIL? I'm not going to sit here and blast my exs (although that would be hella fun and amusing since I'm sure they're all going to be reading this.. STALKERS!) I'm a gentlewoman and i dont sex and tell. The reason why i wont blast any of them is because they will always have a place in my heart. I'm not going to sit here and bash people that i once loved or cared about. If i did that then i would be a hippo (hypocrite) (If you haven't caught on yet, I'm down with my own lingo and not with the "yolo" movement. sorry!)

En el contrario, where was i? Oh yes, relationships and love. This might seem really hard to believe but i have never been in love. *Gasp!* Is everyone ok? Come on guys, its not that serious.. ok maybe it is, a little. My first relationship was a breezy! I was with this person for 6 years and the person cheated on me for like uhh the whole time? Ohh but let me tell you the best part!!!! She cheated with my best friend! (Is this considered blasting? Naaa I'm storytelling, mother goose style) Anyways, the point is love busts your chops sometimes! Its not that i haven't loved people, because my mother and the lord know that i have. Its just no one can handle this.. (they ain't ready for this jelly! -beyonce) I'm not trying to be cocky or conceited because if you know me (and you probably do) then you know damn well that I'm not the best looking person, and I'm totally freakin awkward. I was born awkward. Its not a show or to get attention, im just awkward. Shit weirds me out man! Relationships is one. Its not that I cant be in a relationship, its just I'm always wondering "what's next?" Maybe thats why I'm single.. or is it because noone has actually gotten to know the real me. Over the years i've gone through so many phases of love. Amazing love to "i kill you bitch!" love. ha ha ha! Lesbihonest, girls are crazy! I have yet to find my kinda love, my addiction, my one, my penguin, my better half. Im not going to say that i've never thought about it 'cause i have, all the time. To be honest there was this one time where i thought "This is it".. I never felt so connected with someone like i did with this person. She was so much more than "a date". I loved her. I gave her all the power in "MY" world, she crushed me. She manipulated me to do things that i would never in a million years do for anyone. But for her... anything. I loved her since the first day we met. (i know, how cliche, but its truth) She was everything i ever wanted in a person, not in a girl, in a person! We wanted the same everything, same life, grew up the same way, loved the same music, wanted the same kind of success, everything! She was my puzzle piece and i lost her. In a battle between our future and her past.. i lost her. Her past won. Ripped my heart from my chest, pulled it every which way possible. Left me damaged. Of course this happen more than once because im an idiot and i thought that i needed her. I thought that there was no great person like her in the whole world that can make me feel the way she did. She was my everything and i was her muse, her back up plan. Although even today she will deny it, i know what i feel. It was a 3 summer love. That's it. I slowly but surely recovered from that monstrous black hole i was in. Im sure i'll never look at "love" the same. I feel now more than ever that its possible for me to love again but not right now. I have to find someone that's utterly imperfect, same as i. Although i get lonely sometimes, i'd rather be the loneliest person to walk the planet, then to put myself and another person through the agony of what couldn't be. Today, i can honestly sit here and type that I'm 24, i've been through so many complications that not even this blog can hold, but i've never once have given up on love. It takes me forever to actually love someone, but once i start i never stop. (once you pop the fun don't stop! you know you were thinking it!!!) I know that I'm capable of loving someone infinitely, through thick and thin, and making them beyond happy, giving them everything i have,till the end. (<--that's what i think love is) I mean lets be honest, isn't that what life and love is all about? <3

-AA

[elevated-a]

Intro-resting

Far from the title. Im completely awkward and make horrible jokes at my own expense. Writing is all i ever wanted to do but never had the time to do it. I never knew how much i loved it till i poured my heart out on paper in middle school; after that it was a love affair. You'll probably think im cliche or ridiculous or what might have you, and im not going to deny any of those things, because i probably am. Im real. I know that much. I dont seek to find myself because im under construction.. besides, isnt that what living is all about? Building yourself from scratch? I feel like on some part of this planet im correct. Which is perfectly fine with me 'cause i get me. Im not a psych nor do i ever plan to be one. These are actual thoughts coming from my brain. I suppose since this is an introduction for myself, or to my life, that i should actually introduce myself. hmm, but what better way to introduce myself then to show you exactly how i am day in and day out. AWKWARD. It should've been my middle name I SWEAR! Either that or Dreamer. That basically sums me up. Awkward&Dreamer. Awkward because i can turn the most normal situations into an awkward state in the matter of seconds and dreamer because... well i believe in things that most people dont. Im usually careless when it comes to most things. If it doesnt interest me then i wont stick around to long. Im too blunt for my own good. I feel like im borderline conceited but that could just be my awkward'ness talking. Im super opinionated but not to your face, i hate to see someone hurt. Oh yes back to why im starting this blog. Me and writing is just like paint on a canvas; they go hand in hand. I remember when i was younger all i ever wanted to do was be an english teacher.. I know totally cliche, right? This guy? A teacher? What was the world coming to? But its the truth. I loved every moment in every english/writing class i had. To me there is nothing better than writing. It just captures me and takes me to a place that's so much better than reality. Anyways, i suppose im getting really off topic since im supposed to be introducing myself. Well, Im Amanda, im 24, im amazingly awkward and a big ol sap! I love life and too optimistic for my own good. I live to make people laugh and smile. Im generous to my own kind, whatever that is. I feel like my friends and family would say that I have a great heart and that i care too much about things i shouldnt. Writing is my passion, if i havent mentioned that yet.. (ha ha ha) painting and art captures my heart. I love to live. In this blog you will read and be apart of my life. welcome welcome welcome. Im super freakin stoked that im finally starting this (most of my thanks goes to my mother and my really great friend "C") Noone has ever told me that i was an amazing writer besides you guys and i will forever love you and dedicate most of my writings on the wall to you guys. Im always open to write about whatever, talk about whatever (cause i will be doing a vlog on tues.) and just super open about anything and everything. My life is an open book and im so happy that you're here to share it! Let the hunger games begin!

-AA