eliana-system - Tumblr blog

[eliana-system]

so many ablebodied people never cared about capitalist eugenicists and social programs singling out paralyzed and quadriplegic and severely physically disabled people for euthanasia until the prospect of it potentially happening to an ablebodied person with adhd is introduced. then they think it’s the worst thing theyve ever heard about in their whole life. but as soon as the topic drifts away from those ablebodied ppl with adhd they don’t give a shit anymore. it’s totally selective compassion

[eliana-system]

This is something i've been meaning to talk about for a long time!

my mom functions this way: she constantly acts according to the emotions she thinks the other person has - which is often inaccurate and tends to be negative emotions (anger, resentfull, manipulative).

If she thinks i'm angry, she'll respond with anger and whatever behaviour i adopt, it will ALWAYS end badly. This has gotten to the point where whenever i have to ask for her help (im physically disabled) she takes it as a personnal attack.

i am autistic. You might think this diagnosis helped her understand the emotions she reads might not be my emotions? Wrong. Since we know i'm autistic, it has gotten so much worse.

For a year, she called me a monster, that i have no empathy, that i can't love people, etc. And since then, every time we have an argument because she thinks i'm angry, it's MY fault because i have autism, so obviously i'm angry without knowing it. Obviously i'm punishing her if i try to walk away.

So here is what acting only on your interpretation on people's emotions can lead to :

i can't safely communicate my needs to my mother, because she'll randomly start an argument - and then decides if i actually need it or im just attacking her

i have to be constantly on edge, and assume the good times will end - which means i can't enjoy the periods without agruments. i have to assume the worst

i am always blamed for her outbursts

she doesn't respect my boundaries (even ones that put me in danger: i'm deadly allergic to nuts and if i ask her to put her nuts in a closed box, i'm "attacking her" so obviously she doesn't do it, and i have to do it)

i doubt my own emotions and if i am actually a monster

she constantly ignores my boudnaries about making commentaries on food, which i then can't eat (i'm recovering from anorexia)

my disability is viewed as "too much" and apparently i use it to "control the house"

each time i talk about someone making an innapropriate comment about my disability, she'll justify the person's point of view. Same thing for sexual assault

crying in an argument means i'm being manipulative/guilting her

just off the top of my head my relationship with my mom is not only that of course, but her assuming my emotions is the main problem in our relationship. This is the source of most of our arguments.

so many people try to justify their own bad behavior with “I’m just empathetic” too like empathy does not inherently make you a good person nor does invoking it

[eliana-system]

[eliana-system]

the doordash "discourse" on X is so very telling about what able-bodied or even some disabled leftists think of those with less ability than them.

i think we should start killing y'all with hammers.

[eliana-system]

“POTS is when you get dizzy when you stand up” and scoliosis is just bad posture. and endometriosis is just bad periods. and -

[eliana-system]

do people understand how isolating being a wheelchair user is. can you imagine just for a second, just a second, how it feels to be told over and over and over again that, sorry, we just aren't looking for a candidate with your skillset right now when you know damn well that they hire able-bodied 16 year olds with no experience. How it feels to say "No no you guys go on without me" every time you come across stairs in public. Literally every time. Because the alternative is what, exactly? Make a scene, have a stranger record you and put it online and suddenly you have a stalker and zero privacy. Or make a scene and then have nothing change? do you get it yet? The sheer anxiety of existing in a public space while in a wheelchair? Knowing that if somebody decided to move you or kidnap you or damage your wheelchair you would be fucked. Knowing that, as much as you want to tell yourself nobody is looking at you, you can literally see them staring? I don't know how to explain the feeling of watching conversations happen, watching friendships develop and missing connections just because you can't physically get to them.

But it's not anybody's fault, right? It would be totally unreasonable of me to ask my friends or coworkers to please stay where I can hear them. It would be unreasonable for me to get angry at an employee for the inaccessibility of a store because it's not their fault. It's not anybody's fault. It's just how the world is, I guess. And I have no right to be upset about it because God forbid I ask to be treated like an equal human being

[eliana-system]

oh sure when actors playing a character with DID or otherwise acting as multiple people in one body switch between alters on screen they're "such a talented actor" and you "get chills" but when I, actual diagnosed DID system, switch in front of you, it's "scary and unnerving" and you "no longer know how to talk to me".

[eliana-system]

Stolen from Google 😂 ~Daisy

[eliana-system]

It is okay to mourn the child that you were, or the child that you could have been. It is okay to be sad or angry that no one protected you like you should have been protected. It is okay to grieve.

[eliana-system]

oh no! my symptoms aren't fitting your romanticized narrative again!

[eliana-system]

"real people with DID wish fakers would stop faking"

girl there are people in my head who don't like me and my memory resets every 2½ hours. I promise you I have better things to fucking worry about.

[eliana-system]

Systems are allowed to lie!

My personal opinion is actually one I will not budge on; Systems are allowed to lie. To anyone I don't want to know, I can lie about how many alters I have! I can lie about how many fictives there are, in fact, I can lie if I am a fictive! I can lie to who they are talking to! I can lie about anything that we as a system do not want to share, for any reason!

Anything about the system information is not just personal but is inherently medical privacy. You need to only be honest with your psychiatrist or therapist.

While there might be a boundary someone has with a specific alter, that is different. But besides that, just because someone knows you are a system, does not mean they get to know about anything inside of it. You owe no one information, the disorder comes from trauma. No one deserves or has the right to your trauma. The exact same goes for reactions, coping, and results of that trauma.

[eliana-system]

"my brain said"

Translation: an alter said something funny that I must share with you

[eliana-system]

guy who has the doesn't-feel-real disorder: idk why but i don't feel real :-(

guy who has the major-memory-loss disorder: idk it just feels like there's a gap where yesterday is supposed to be :-( weiird

guy who has the different-person-every-hour disorder: woa h guys idk why i said that yesterday that doesn't rly sound like me :-(

DID: the disorder you know you have but it still surprises you every time! only $9,99 (childhood not included)

[eliana-system]

we were talking to our clinician about our system, and he said “DID is usually self diagnosable” and i joked like you’re gonna get cancelled. the system community crumbles as a licensed therapist supports system self diagnosis.

[eliana-system]

sorry babe i can’t come over. i’m arguing with the voices in my head about whether or not they exist again

[eliana-system]

yall are pro mental illness until they hallucinate

yall are pro mental illness until they dissociate

yall are pro mental illness until they self-isolate

yall are pro mental illness until they're paranoid

yall are pro mental illness until they split

yall are pro mental illness until it's too Scary for your comparatively neurotypical brain to handle