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eliciar · 9 years

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#1: The Ex of All Ex’s - “Richard”

In my core group of girlfriends, I am the “Samantha” of us 4. Even when I was in a horrible relationship, I managed to channel my inner-Samantha. Remember how dating Richard turned her into an insecure, jealous, lunatic girlfriend? Bingo. My “Richard” wasn’t even rich and powerful, nor did he surprise me with expensive gifts or fabulous weekends away, yet I still found myself becoming a needy, insecure and jealous version of my former self. #lovely

My Richard was incredibly talented at gifting me with surprises, like totaling my brand new car just days before Christmas

awww Babe, you shouldn’t have

drinking so heavily I’d wake up in MY bed, in a puddle of HIS urine

it’s ok, this happens to everyone, right? RIGHT???

or causing drama with all of my friends in such a way that I slowly found myself alienated and alone, because no one wanted to be around me when I was with him

the gift that keeps on giving…

The straw that broke this camel’s back after 2+ years, was one too many physically/mentally/emotionally abusive nights. Ever had the cops called to your house? By a neighbor? Because they were concerned for your well-being? #humiliating

I know, I know… You’re thinking, “What the hell is wrong with this chick? Is she stupid? Why would she stay with someone who is so obviously such a bad match for her? Was she desperate and willing to put up with anything just to have a boyfriend??” The answer is YES, I became that desperate. How incredibly unattractive and entirely un-Samantha of me. She would not approve.

Before this tale gets too depressing and makes you want to carve long, vertical strokes in your arm with a pair of scissors, let me assure you, I am not the Hunchback of Notre Dame, nor am I Simple Jack in “Tropic Thunder” - not to toot my own horn, but I am a fairly intelligent

3.75 GPA/Honor Roll/Dean’s List

woman, who is somewhat attractive

36DD, green-eyed, curvy Italian with thick hair and a great smile thanks to years of braces

with a successful career and an incredible group of friends.

TOOT TOOT

For all intents and purposes, I was doing well in life, but found myself settling in love after a divorce at 25, followed by several years of being single in California. Ok fine, I’ll be honest, I had tried Match.com. And eHarmony. And I dated all my guy friends’ single friends. ALL OF THEM. #notcute

By the time I met Richard I was exhausted and had just about given up hope on finding a decent man who is taller than me in heels

I’m only 5'5" - that shouldn’t be too difficult to ask

during my lifetime. I was also dating

ok, dating is a strong word

a pilot who was the very last of my best guy friend’s single friends. “The Pilot” would have me spend several days/nights in a row with him every few weeks before openly jet-setting around the globe with other women. Ok, maybe I was on the “Simple Jack” intelligence spectrum after all… What did I possibly expect out of this in the long-term? #facepalm I did receive an invitation to go yachting in the Caribbean for a week with him and a bunch of other pilots and flight attendants. Lesson #263 as to why you should always have a valid passport ready and waiting in your lingerie drawer, Lovies!

Before I digress much further, this sordid little tale is an introduction to my Richard. He was incredibly handsome, tall, and oh-so-charming. I distinctly remember looking up one morning as he sauntered into my office, and I eagerly asked if there was something I could help him with. OF COURSE I said that with a flirtatious smile and sexual undertone; what kind of woman do you take me for?

Little did I know this sexy hunk of man meat was there on assignment from our corporate office to help out while we were short-staffed. I’m so professional… After turning down yet another sexual innuendo and my offer for a fresh, homemade cupcake

I’m sorry, who turns down Funfetti cupcakes? First red flag; Day 1

I determined he must have a girlfriend, because why else hadn’t he asked for my phone number, or at least taken a cupcake??

The next day, my Regional Manager stopped by the office, and I not-so-subtly brought up Richard and his relationship status. The next thing I know, she is on the phone to Richard’s office, and much to my embarrassment and delight, we discovered he had already inquired about me. Wedding bells already ringing in my head, I happily gave my cell phone number to my Regional, promised her an invitation to our wedding, and proceeded to spend the next few days being courted via text message by Richard.

After a few weeks of dating and intense make out sessions on my couch, I decided it was time to take Richard to hang out with me and some of my friends during a typical Sunday Funday of drinking beer and watching football. The afternoon was a disaster ending with Richard unsuccessfully trying to impress my friends and ultimately making a drunken fool of himself. This telenovela resulted in me promptly severing all ties and telling him we needed to go our separate ways. I did not need a ticket on the Hot Mess Express; thanks, but no thanks.

Richard then proceeded to win back my affection by driving 45 minutes each night after work to bring me carne asada taco salad for dinner. It was the BEST taco salad in town, ok??? And 45 minutes is a long drive, this was California RUSH HOUR traffic I’m talking about, y'all. Sometimes it even took up to an hour.

After a week of penance, I ignored the red flags, determining that his continued efforts to atone for his actions were sufficient proof for me to give him a second chance. I mean, I hadn’t even slept with him yet at this point; who drives 45 minutes to an hour every night for a week, to spend time with someone they aren’t even getting any play from? #princecharming

If only I hadn’t ignored those red flags… My self-proclaimed greatest character trait is that in spite of being a feisty, hot-tempered Italian, I am also quick to forgive and tend to give second chances when asked. This might also be my biggest flaw, as I’m not the greatest at determining who actually doesn’t deserve that second chance. #oops

There are many more stories for me to share about Richard, but this is supposed to be a blog, not the Next Great American Novel. Let’s fast-forward 2+ years and many tears later, and I find myself making the decision to leave Richard for reals yo, and once again embrace my inner Samantha to dive head-first back into the murky waters of douchebags, weirdos, and Stage 5 Clingers; otherwise known as the Dating Pool. Isn’t it fun to be single???

Yes, that was a rhetorical question

I’ve been in love, REAL love, just twice in my life. Third time’s the charm, right? This blog is my treacherous journey into singledom, both past and present so that I (and, hopefully, you) can avoid these mistakes in the future. May the odds be ever, or at least occasionally, in my favor. #IVolunteerAsTribute

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