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@theerealkarlaj

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They never are. Ig-@motelbunny

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Ig-motelbunny

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#FactsOnly.

HIGH SCHOOLERS ‼️‼️ COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS OKAY!!

Please don’t ever let anyone shame you for attending.

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Here we go again...

It's hard to open up in a world full of judgmental people. But the brave do it every fucking day and I admire them all. They are their most authentic self and I admire it. I've learned that too much worry can be a disease. A disease called anxiety, and well, I choose not to live there anymore.

I chose to share my story in the most authentic way I can. My hopes are to tell you my worst so you can be your best self. I hope to share the stories of those who inspired me, so that you too can be inspired.

I've always had a fear of failure. A few weeks ago I went to another CreativeMornings event and the speaker of the month was Rob Stewart. He said he learned that fear was FALSE. EVIDENCE. APPEARING. to be REAL.  And that if you don't address it the fear manifests and it comes out in unhealthy ways.

And for me it did. It caused me to smoke, a lot of weed (for me). I used weed as a way to 'treat' my anxiety, instead of it being something I did socially. I used to smoke because of the inspiration that I got from it, but slowly it became a way to mask my anxiety. I gained about 20 extra lbs going through that. And it was embarrassing.  But I just simply tried to forget and isolate myself, which was unhealthy. 

But I am slowly but surely taking steps to combat anxiety. One of the first steps I took was eating better, I decided to become a vegetarian. I don't know why I decided to become a vegetarian, I am probably the most anti-vegetarian you've ever met. I pick meat out of a salad and once all the meat is gone, I am done. Honestly, I really don't like vegetables at all. But shit I'm 30 years old, type 2 diabetes runs in my family, and I'm pretty fucking unhealthy right now. So I thought why not try to give up meat and see how I feel? I see all these vegans and vegetarians on my timeline saying how much it's changed them. How their body feels, how it can combat anxiety, and how it helps weightloss..I thought, why not?

By day three I was feeling the results. I was energized, and I felt good; I wasn't bloated- and you might think three days is pretty skeptical, but just let me tell you honey, I love meat. I love the fat off meat. I fucking love the asian pork rinds with the fat and grease on it. Me and meat are like yin and muthafuck-yang. So yes, after three days of not eating meat I felt SO good.

The next step I took to combat my anxiety was to surround myself by people. Volunteering has caused me to get out my shell and get around people. I've tried to go to more networking events and I've really enjoyed, CreativeMornings + The Blog Bloc. I've had the pleasure of coming across the same introverts who are attempting to get out of their shell too. It feels warm, welcoming and inspiring to be around people who are similar to me. I've come across people, who are my people. It made days where I wanted to isolate myself and ignore everyone- less isolating and bright. These events have gotten me to just trust my gut and speak up. Share my ideas. Share my thoughts. Because I have some really good ideas and to not let the anxiety keep me quiet.

However, don't get me wrong... a little isolation is never bad. But too much isolation is never good, because if you have nobody to share your fears and anxiety, how will you ever truly know that your fears are simply just false evidence?

Connections are important; in Rob's talk, he said, "when you share your fears with others, it helps YOU, but it also sets that person free; and they they realize they are not bat shit crazy." People need to be around people to combat anxiety. It helps. It works. Talk to people. Share your story. And listen.

I remember having so much anxiety when I began dating my husband. Just hearing my co-workers anxieties and thoughts about relationships would honestly put mind at ease. I know it's hard to share in this world because you don't know who is genuine and who actually is there to hear your faults and laugh behind your back, but there are genuine people in this world who care, and when you find those people, cherish them.

For about 2 years I've been working on putting together a book featuring my blog entries, all the way from 2004. Here's a little bit about me if you don't know my back story:

I've been a blogger since I was 13 years old. It started off with a site called boi-nk where I shared my personal thoughts and photos. I was on livejournal.com, 730 forums and kthxbi.com. Back before blogging went mainstream a lot of bloggers would design their own layouts. I used it as an opportunity to express how I was feeling, authentically. I was wild, crazy and unapologetic as fuck. Fast forward to a few years later, in 2009, I started up my own t-shirt line and blog Free Bxtch Island, and began my career in marketing at a Cannabis Club in Sacramento as their marketing manager. As I got towards my mid-twenties I found myself outgrowing that wild, crazy and unapologetic self and became more professional. It was also hard to have a brand that lugged the word "bitch" around. I felt like it had a bad connotation with women, and that it was outdated with the new me.

In 2011, I was on my professional hype, I was getting ready to graduate from college and I felt as if I needed to be a bit more professional, if I wanted to get my feet wet in the marketing industry. So I cleaned it up a bit and focused on my career for about 2 years. I moved my way up from marketing intern to creative lead and decided that while I work my way up on the ladder,  I needed a creative outlet. Although I was designing graphics and websites, doing what I always wanted to do; I realized that I still missed writing.

About two years ago I decided to go through all my journals from 2002 to 2013. I began to sort them out and categorize my thoughts, inspirations and lessons. After sorting through them all I decided to release my first book, Good Girl Gone Free.

My hope is to inspire young women to chase their passion, live life authentically and forget about the mistakes they made, and will continue to make. Along the journey of finding who I am (and I'm still doing that btw, it never stops) I was inspired by so many stories, speeches and books. I hope to create something that my daughter can pick-up when she's older and be inspired from. 

I am not perfect. I am still growing. But I've come a LONG, LONG, LONG... way from where I was. And I'm ready to share my story. I hope to release Good Girl Gone Free by 2019. But for now, I will be sharing book updates and sharing my life again, right here. It's time to not be had by my thoughts of being judged and to live authentically, again.

"...so don't let unaddressed fears and anxiety block your blessings. You can have thoughts and worry but don't let yourself be had by them."

- Rob Stewart

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There’s no need to talk about it, because the truth of what one says lies in what one does.

Bernhard Schlink, The Reader (via books-n-quotes)

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Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.

Sylvia Plath (via help-n-quotes)

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Whitney Otto, How to Make an American Quilt (via books-n-quotes)

Why are old lovers able to become friends? Two reasons. They never truly loved each other, or they love each other still.

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The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.

Bob Marley (via phuckindope)

Message..

(via kushandwizdom)

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I’m on a higher level.

I’m the girl who ain’t been discovered yet. 

One of a kind, good girl, killer style, with a genuine heart. 

Genuine, but undecided heart.

Fame known by everyone within the vicinity

and envied my most.

Praised by a small percentage, 

But that small percentage were the best type of people.

The weirdos, the ones with a genuine heart.

They thought differently, laughed honestly and bonded no matter the distance. 

Her love was crazy.

Her revenge was her redemption,

Her mentality was so real, that with each time they drew a flame of fire.

Her words were of someone who had already lived for 41 years, he told her.