elleaveryblog

[elleaveryblog]

Twisted Dendrites

An excerpt from a chapter in the book I am writing; this piece is written like a journal or record of first person thought.

I'm afraid to try and do and be.. I'm afraid of anyone knowing the real me.. I'm not even sure I know.. I'm fucking confused and frustrated daily, I feel as though I'm in the wrong universe.. which of these things does not belong? Me, I don't belong here.. I don't mean that in a suicidal expression of woe.. I mean that I sense something strong enough to create the questions and notions and perceptions, these attributes we have for a fucking reason and that alone should encourage us, yet.. this world is convinced of it's inabilities and has stunted it's own evolution by doing so... Do they wish to correct that detrimental mistake.. Mistake?! How dare you!? -they'd respond with such overblown ego and inescapable fear.. Yes, fear of the unknown.. All afraid to be something more than they are, because to do so means admitting they - all the billions are regarded universally speaking, as a cosmic level mistake. How dare they?.. Oh, but I hope and wait for the day it happens.. You know, sitting idly by and acting as though I have taken any action.. I am just a voice, unheard and unimportant.. I'm not needed. I am not special. Aren't I though? Just due to the absolute awareness of it all.. Am I not then, one of the others.. can I evolve and assist in creating something better.. Less voice and more action, trust me, I know that I talk too much.. I think, I think so so so much and in so many confusing fucking directions.. To be able to grip my thoughts here in text, is the only way for me to be present.. By writing the fiction that plays out in my mind.. I also ironically do this in order to avoid the complex intensity of my thoughts- I focus on others, I think of the others- when I should be doing and thinking of and for myself.. these intentions and purpose of ability are wasted on paranoia and obsession, it's insulting and I am ashamed.. There is so much capability and such a devastating wall of insecurities blocking and destroying what could be and is there.. Sadly aware of my own life and future, as having absolutely no purpose beyond this twisted half assed display that I have been acting out and upon.. I'm the ignorant one, the one who knows fucking nothing, I am the problem. I am the wall of insecurity and obsession.. Luckily, I have a tiny voice that won't stop reminding me, it could and can be different.. there is a future, as well as, a present where I have my fucking shit together and I'm happy and not alone.. I can make connections with other people.. I can remember, other people exist in my bubble whether I want them there or not and I need to work with, not against them.. I need intention and determination, I have to create it.. somewhere along the line, the path, this twisted dendrite, somewhere is what I need, but first I have to stop questioning myself, I have to leave the conversation long enough to let action through.. to let action replace inaction and happy replace sad.. to allow for change.. I have to stop talking so much, when everything I'm saying is an endless misdirection of wasted time, in the present.. I need a refuge of numbed physical awareness that allows me to simply be a mind, because where I prefer to be, is me.. analyzing everything and nothing all at once, a cosmic collision of thoughts that I don't ever get the time to understand or even take part in the conversation of, the others get these bits that I am missing.. I get left out and mocked at for my failure to make the connections.. these doors and bridges I've never found, not for lack of looking.. I know they are there and I can't make it work, I can't make the connection that I need to and was intended to.. So, I feel down and defeated, let down by myself because there truly is no one else left to blame. I will remain this way, a constant painful mess of walking DNA cluster. 

Elle Avery

Wicked Butterfly, Chapter - Flutter

[elleaveryblog]

Enjoy the memories and our two or three happy truths... I loved every fuckin fucker one of you.

me

[elleaveryblog]

SHE IS NO MORE

***A Lil' Somethin' Called...SHE IS NO MORE***

She's speechless.. but so full of thought and conviction.. she's passionate and exudes a dynamo of charisma.. though the lack of true direction hangs her dreams in the wake.. everything needs to be turned up a notch.. stress is in control and fear locks her away.. her wisdom screaming through the door.. ~WAKE UP SILLY GIRL! ..but it slams

She's kneeling at your doorstep.. she needs her voice heard.. won't you take a moment? are you so arrogant? she's lying there drowning in your regrets.. but you're not guilty anymore.. the past was erased when she fell under scorn.. tarnished by her vanity.. no one to help her.. no one to care.. she calls out just once more.. but nobody answered ~BANG! ..her lifeless body at your locked door

He's fumbling to explain it.. enraged by a tragedy.. he's boiling in the guilt.. forced to face his short-comings.. a heartless display of character.. drawn within his grief.. he didn't mean it.. there will be no apologies.. she can't hear him anymore.. burdened by this panic.. a reality too big for him to carry.. wishing he'd answered.. been what she'd dreamed of.. he can't change it or take it back.. he hugs her lifeless body.. he's letting her go.. her message is loud.. can you hear it? ...this girl is NO MORE

[elleaveryblog]

https://onlyfans.com/gingerwicked

[elleaveryblog]

***Lost That Lovin' Feelin' & And A Lil Somethin' About FUCK***

Whoa-oh-whoa-oahhh-whoa... You've lost that lovin' feeeeelin' whoa-oh that lovin' feeeelin'..you've lost that lovin' feelin'..now it's gone, gone, gone...whoa-oh-whoa- oahhh-whoa..buh-dum-buh-dum-buh-dummm...yada yada fuckin' yada!

I've been single long enough that this exerpted portion of a song, has become my theme song! It's pathetic and hilarious to me...but shameless none the less.. =P

I've chosen this because a month ago I was sad and going through the whole 'whoe is me' phase of being single, alone, yada yada.. ~After that was about a week of sexual hunger, fearing I'd never survive not being able to kiss, cuddle, and make love to another person...even just be close to someone...we've all been through it! Though it feels pretty lonely and as if 'everyone' else has someone, doesn't it?!?

Once I got past that..I felt stronger and more intune with myself...and no I don't mean I relished in masterbation! Hahaha! I mean, being alone, as in single...you are left to get to know yourself better...keep yourself company and expand your personality as it suits you...being there's not the other person to entertain you.. you are left to take over yourself and make life interesting! ..I've thrown myself into my creative hobbies and talents, obviously one being this online diary...which I love and I'm sooo grateful it's available to me, and free..as I'm broke! It can be a true trial of strength and especially during that vulnerable stage of sexual hunger, as I call it, old flames and the general hottie population become a part of your fantasies...I found myself considering what I'd never have thought a good idea in a more stable set of mind...I maintained, though I flirted wildly, my diginity...not that the guys and girls I had in mind were no good for me, just that I knew it'd be something I didn't really need to deal with at the time...yada yada yada...I need this time alone to sort my life out here...get everything settled and be stable in life again..

So, I've lost that lovin' feelin'...my mind is on accomplishments...not lusting after my next cuddle-buddy or erotic love-slave...hahaha.. There's always a loop hole for my much needed pleasure...this girl's got quite the hunger for the lovin' feelin'...

Speaking of fucking, here's a little grammar and history lesson on the word FUCK (looked up on www.dictionary.com)... enjoy the brain food and g’night.. 

FUCK

2 entries found for fuck. fuck ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fk) Vulgar Slang v. fucked, fuck·ing, fucks v. tr. To have sexual intercourse with. To take advantage of, betray, or cheat; victimize. Used in the imperative as a signal of angry dismissal.

v. intr. To engage in sexual intercourse. To act wastefully or foolishly. To interfere; meddle. Often used with 'with'.

n. An act of sexual intercourse. A partner in sexual intercourse. A despised person. Used as an intensive: What the fuck did you do that for?

interj. Used to express extreme displeasure.

Phrasal Verbs: fuck off Used in the imperative as a signal of angry dismissal. To spend time idly. To masturbate. fuck over To treat unfairly; take advantage of. fuck up To make a mistake; bungle something. To act carelessly, foolishly, or incorrectly. To cause to be intoxicated.

------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- [Middle English, attested in pseudo-Latin fuccant, (they) fuck, deciphered from gxddbov.] Word History: The obscenity fuck is a very old word and has been considered shocking from the first, though it is seen in print much more often now than in the past. Its first known occurrence, in code because of its unacceptability, is in a poem composed in a mixture of Latin and English sometime before 1500. The poem, which satirizes the Carmelite friars of Cambridge, England, takes its title, “Flen flyys,” from the first words of its opening line, “Flen, flyys, and freris,” that is, “fleas, flies, and friars.” The line that contains fuck reads “Non sunt in coeli, quia gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk.” The Latin words “Non sunt in coeli, quia,” mean “they [the friars] are not in heaven, since.” The code “gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk” is easily broken by simply substituting the preceding letter in the alphabet, keeping in mind differences in the alphabet and in spelling between then and now: i was then used for both i and j; v was used for both u and v; and vv was used for w. This yields “fvccant [a fake Latin form] vvivys of heli.” The whole thus reads in translation: “They are not in heaven because they fuck wives of Ely [a town near Cambridge].”

Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. [Buy it]

fuck

n : slang terms for sexual intercourse [syn: fucking, screw, screwing, ass, piece of ass, roll in the hay, shag] v : have sexual intercourse with; "This student sleeps with everyone in her dorm"; "Adam knew Eve" (know is archaic); "Were you ever intimate with this man?" [syn: love, make out, make love, sleep with, get laid, have sex, know, do it, be intimate, have intercourse, have it away, have it off, screw, jazz, eff, hump, lie with, bed, have a go at it, bang, get it on, bonk]

Source: WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University

[elleaveryblog]

"Pretty Handsome" By Pretty Pussy Written for and dedicated to.. Handsome Dick

Handsome Dick: ahhg! You Crap bastard tease! This better be worth the wait... errrrg..

Pretty Pussy: Ahhck! Yes... I should hope so... then again I am old and probably boring to immature boys... ..::SIGH::..

Handsome Dick: Hahahahaha... I guess you're past your prime for that aren't you?!?!

Pretty Pussy: Actually you're wrong... A woman's prime is in her mid to late 20's .... hahahahahahaha.. you're the one who's past your prime of 18...

Handsome Dick: Well, I just wouldn't want to break your hip..

Pretty Pussy: hahahaha... Anyway, this is why women date younger men... so that they are more sexually compatible... there's nothing else you boys are any good for..

Handsome Dick: oooooh, I'm gonna get slept with?!?!?!!!!!

Pretty Pussy: NO, just a hypothetical... cowboy blowhard.. I need no man to take care of my needs... only my whims..

Handsome Dick: heh heh.. show me... ???

Pretty Pussy: I like to look at my own pictures...really gets me off...

Handsome Dick: I bet you do... you dirty whore...

Pretty Pussy: hahahaha... not really... that's a little too weird really... now, watching yourself in a mirror that's different... that's erotic...

Handsome Dick: oh, yeah... you're a slut..

Pretty Pussy: only on Xmas...cheaper than presents... heh

Handsome Dick: you swing both ways don't you... ???

Pretty Pussy: isn't that obvious... why else would my own female body turn me on?!?! You gimpy fuck.. hahahaha

Handsome Dick: I wonder if that does work for anyone...?!?!

Pretty Pussy: Probably... but I do all that in the shower... like the suds and warm water all over my body as I'm climaxing..

Handsome Dick: really?

Pretty Pussy: yes, that I really do..

Handsome Dick: Is that where you prefer sex then?

Pretty Pussy: No ...I prefer sex outside... under the stars with thunder rolling in... mmmmm thunder...

Handsome Dick: hahahaha... thunder slut

Pretty Pussy: again...it's erotic

Handsome Dick: ooooh, playboy has a new feature....Women of Walmart... hahahaha

Pretty Pussy: Oh, my god... that is a scary thought...

Handsome Dick: No, no not cutomers... employees

Pretty Pussy: Have you seen the average employee of Walmart?!?!?????

Handsome Dick: Hahahaha...Walmart is mad too...

Pretty Pussy: So am I, damn it... ewwwww, what a waste of sticky pages!

Handsome Dick: Haha...customers would be old ladies with missing teeth... blehck!!!

Pretty Pussy: Now, a Hooters feature...that's a damn good idea... Walmart, fuck no... that's just nasty!

Handsome Dick: Heh...they should do an issue of carnies...

Pretty Pussy: Ahhhhg! You're a sick man!

Handsome Dick: Hahaha...I'd nominate your pictures!!

Pretty Pussy: You dumbass friggin' butt nazi....

Handsome Dick: Butt Nazi???

Pretty Pussy: Yes, you've been awarded this years Butt Nazi Demon Award...and a trip to your nearest prison's death row, in order to grant any and all final wishes of said inmates!

Handsome Dick: Yay...is that anything like the tooth fairy?!???

Pretty Pussy: You'll be clenching your teeth...a bit of grinding...

Handsome Dick: hahaha...so I'm whacking off now... can I cum on your face?

Pretty Pussy: uhhh... hello... perv!????

Handsome Dick: ..that was the biggest cum shot ever...

Pretty Pussy: Could it have taken you any longer?! Fucking snail...

Handsome Dick: If I were a snail, you'd be the shell, riding my fucking ass!!

Pretty Pussy: I don't ride ass...You're the dairy fairy.. I luuuuuuuuuv the ladies...

Handsome Dick: mmmmmm, chicken of the sea... not like I'm going to catch any with you out there stealing them from me! You fucking whore! I should have priority I'm a man god damn it!

Pretty Pussy: Haha... whatever.. what? because you have a handsome dick?!

Handsome Dick: Which do you like better???

Pretty Pussy: penis vs. vagina... hmmmmm that's a hard one... Gotta be the penis... the pussy is just for fun..

Handsome Dick: girlie sex, what's that? Just poking your hands in eachother and calling it a night?!?!?!

Pretty Pussy: crap bastard... you know nothing...

Handsome Dick: ok...make out session..NOW

Pretty Pussy: I'm busy...

Handsome Dick: I said now?

Pretty Pussy: ahhhg...get a good grip...you'll wake up tomorrow, the sun will come out and with it your wood...

Handsome Dick: huh?

Pretty Pussy: You mean it just goes waste?

Handsome Dick: I don't wanna have to touch myself...

Pretty Pussy: mmmmmm... I like it... though I'm not blessed with a morning jump start like you...

Handsome Dick: what?

Pretty Pussy: I want it all, everyday... start my own engine...pick up my mechanic... get tuned up properly..

Handsome Dick: awwwwww...you have a mechanic?!

Pretty Pussy: yup...he's a profeesional detailer too... heh heh

Handsome Dick: I don't have a mechanic... ..::deep sigh::..

Pretty Pussy: Hahaha...you're the mechanic silly... what you need is an apprentice...

Handsome Dick: an apprentice???

Pretty Pussy: yeah...someone to work under you... heh

Handsome Dick: Hahaha...you can come work for me... I need a hair cut..

Pretty Pussy: I'd give you a mohawk...No, no... pigtail spikes...

Handsome Dick: what are those...

Pretty Pussy: like horns... everything else shaved off

Handsome Dick: why not shaved?

Pretty Pussy: Heheheheee... I would shave it all off and give you a tattoo of a turtle to wax...

Handsome Dick: seriously... how could I make shaved work for me? (without the tattoo to wax) ahhhck!

Pretty Pussy: no...for you a tussled look my dear... just below the tips of your ears... mmmmmmm that'd be sexy...

Handsome Dick: tussled?

Pretty Pussy: yep.... you've got really nice eyes... that hair do would make them a focal point... Don't you watch Queer Eye For The Straight Guy????!????

Handsome Dick: uhhhh...no

Pretty Pussy: men are such morons... you could use the advice they give... hahaha... watch the show wimpy...

Handsome Dick: wimpy?

Pretty Pussy: I've stated my advice and opinion... take it or leave it...

Handsome Dick: I'll take you... make out session, NOW

Pretty Pussy: Me prende, I ne puet pas le tenir plus ..me prende maintenant..

Handsome Dick: huh? is that a yes....

Pretty Pussy: nevermind... such a boy..

Handsome Dick: come on...tell me..

Pretty Pussy: basicly it says, Mr. Mechanic better hit the gas before the engine stalls... heh heh

Handsome Dick: not a full time mechanic, just periodic oil changes...

Pretty Pussy: hmmm... YOU'RE FIRED... this rig needs constant fucking maintenance...

Handsome Dick: so...ANYWAY, why is it you wanted to wax my head again???

Pretty Pussy: sounded slippery dippery fun, eh!

Handsome Dick: did you just say that?!

Pretty Pussy: I did... My bad... SPANK ME!

Handsome Dick: and why was this waxing a stipulation?

Pretty Pussy: you'd want it shiny so that you'd have a widescreen view in the mirror of everyone laughing at you behind your back!!!!

Handsome Dick: you're so mean to me...

Pretty Pussy: awwwwww, but I wrote a song for you... !!!!

Handsome Dick: Reeeeally?!?

Pretty Pussy: Suckin donkey dick and drinkin mountain dew ridin and camel to come and claim you... wanna rip out your eyeballs and suck em clean... gonna cum on your face... gonna make you scream..

Handsome Dick: I hate you... you're a fucking asshole!

Pretty Pussy: mmmmmmm, chocolately goodness! gimme some good n plenty baby!

Handsome Dick: ..::exhausted sigh::..

THE END

[elleaveryblog]

Love is: Lies

I'm getting sick of that word, again... Maybe I always have been... It's not a word I trust. LOVE People don't seem to understand what it means to give a shit. stop telling people you care, unless you show it..no one knows it..words fall flat and footsteps echo for hours...in opposite directions..while mine stay unloved and planted...

[elleaveryblog]

Controversial View I agree with the ‘right to die’ for incurable diseases and disorders, that cause inescapable suffering, even with treatment.. These people deserve the right to choose whether to continue that life, suffering or to end it, peacefully, with closure.

I will miss you view.. I'll miss some friends.. some animals and sites and sounds too.. I'll miss where I'm going soon, too.. The willows and pine all syncing within my own energy this time.. The rhythmic roar of rubber on pavement.. the clank and squeal of the trains and the crash of metal meeting.. And the stinging lightning and thunder through the nerves of my face.. I listen harder to drown out the storm, but it's kids crying now and the smell of a taco truck next door; it's chaos and so now I am in the eye.. The storm within my face is so intensely painful it stunts my ability to think, I literally can't think through the worst of it, it freezes me and I'm stuck, stiff faced and waiting for it to pass.. I have been in the eye of this storm for twelve years.. That is a very long time. A very long time to be in pain, all the time.. It's Trigeminal Neuralgia and I have the bilateral type, meaning the nerves on both sides of my face are affected. I experience this pain every single day. I've written several times over the years about the right to die for people with incurable disease that don't wish to continue existing in a state of suffering.. I know others who feel this way too. If we could go peacefully and actually say good-bye in person to people; if we could create closure, that would be a very meaningful and powerful exchange.. And it should not be for profit.. No making money on ending a life, no outrageous payment.. I say this, because there is a vast difference if income amongst citizens here and if everyone isn't allowed the same peace and end to suffering, it's not okay.. That's not a moral dilemma, that's a human rights issue, neglect, discrimination, and for many- it is Torture. Insurance should cover the medication administered and the licensed practitioner would be the one giving the lethal dose to the patient awarded- the right to die. We still live in a religious cloud where suicide is a sin and against god's law... It's ludicrous. No, I don't advocate suicide, but I advocate the right to die.. Very, very different things.. Suicide can be a dangerous level of depression and mental illness.. It can be caused by medications, etc.. The right to die is something that would be dealt with to only include, patient, doctor, psych consult, legal rights advocate and patient's personal support advocate-family or friend or partner.. So it's a very private thing and it a very private choice.. It should be allowed and it should be a medical health and mental health issue and human rights law  that supports ending suffering and the right to end one's own genuine pain. Nobody should be forced to suffer vs attempting to end their lives in a number of ways that could just make it worse and not kill them.. or someone who assists goes to prison for conspiracy to commit murder and plea out to manslaughter in the 2nd degree.. I don't think that's fair. They did not murder anyone.. It should be a human right, basic decency and concern for the welfare and that's to include invisible pain and chronic disease and many many many other disorders and diseases that would fall under this law and right, a choice to end your own suffering and to do it with a *medication that would end your life peacefully* and *when you were ready*.. Why is this such a taboo thing??????????

How long can Trigeminal Neuralgia attacks last? The typical or "classic" form of the disorder (called "Type 1" or TN1) causes extreme, sporadic, sudden burning or shock-like facial pain that lasts anywhere from a few seconds to as long as two minutes per episode. These attacks can occur in quick succession, in volleys lasting as long as two hours. (Mar 17, 2020). https://www.ninds.nih.gov/Disorders/Patient-Caregiver-Education/Fact-Sheets/Trigeminal-Neuralgia-Fact-Sheet

[elleaveryblog]

“CensorNo”

Survival is always the plan of the day, color of the day is always black, and my-diary is the only place I can stop being silent. It's the only place that I can say everything I'd never say to a face, not his, nor hers, not mine, nor yours.. Not in the mirror, nor under breath.. This is the only safe oblivious space I have left. ;) Even in honesty I spill a rhyme of truth and swill... can you tell?

[elleaveryblog]

[elleaveryblog]

[elleaveryblog]

[elleaveryblog]

[elleaveryblog]

[elleaveryblog]

[elleaveryblog]

[elleaveryblog]

Dear Caterpillar,

I want to explain something and then I will leave you to this branch you've attached yourself to.. The branch that has helped you grow big and strong, but it hasn't told you the story of your life, it couldn't bare it, because it is a weak species of tree and it's limbs are brittle and far too heavy for the sparse few roots it grew and so near the forest floor..it could topple over from the weight of the true story and it dare not risk uprooting itself. So dear one, I will tell you the story this frail tree hasn't the strength, nor conviction to tell.. Can you promise to listen all the way to the end before you stop listening and learning? If you can promise to pay attention and never argue or claim my words untrue.. you couldn't possibly know what is true and what isn't unless you hear both sides and then, with all the knowledge before you, only then, can you decide for yourself which story you will choose to believe..maybe you'll hear the story a few times before making up your mind as a grown up butterfly.. Maybe you'll never read this letter.. I hope you do and I hope you know how wickedly fierce you've been loved and cared about, that I didn't fight because it was already too ugly and so many lies- it was already too painful.. So I let go and I watched you dangling from a thin silk in a breeze methodically designed to make you believe the lies the wind told and you stayed in the tree that held all of those lies because they were all you knew as home and safety and mama butterfly had chosen to ask auntie butterfly to help with you because stepdaddy butterfly was actually a nasty moth and had disguised himself to beguile mama, but he was mean and neglectful and hurt you both...so auntie took you away to save you the pain and so mama could leave your homicidal stepdaddy moth.. Never were you forgotten or unwanted.. Mama called, sent cards, sent gifts.. Nobody answered and no one returned the calls and every interaction was overseen by Aunt and Uncle Moth and Ning Moth, the worst of all the moths. You've been growing big and strong amongst moths pretending to be righteous butterflies and you've been stranded in a weak and diseased tree with the hopes you will become the moths own butterfly vigilante and take mama out yourself with your rude words and sour attitude.. Mama knows better, you've known the moths almost as long as you knew her and they've become ma and pa moth, but they will soon be just may flies.. caught in a web of their own deceit and lies.. When you hatch dear one.. come find me.. I'm in the biggest, strongest, loveliest tree in all the land and I will give you comfort and sanctuary from all storms and I will nourish your heart and mind with the truth and beauty you've never been shown, so that you can become the sweetest and happiest butterfly in all the land and moths will no longer haunt the seasons we know now, with only love.

Love Forever and Always, Wicked ‘Mama’ Butterfly