elly99

[elly99]

Higher Dimensions

Minji x Reader. Established relationship. Heartbreak.

A/N: Another short story based on a movie or two. Curious if you can tell which ones. Coming out of retirement for this one but likely going to be inactive again for a long time. Life stuff. I just wanted to get this story off my chest. Sorry that it's Minji again but usually it's her voice I hear in my head when these stories come to me.

Wonder if anyone will still read this. If you do, hi! I missed you. And if you're new, I hope you enjoy! <3

If you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change anything?

“Hey, baby?”

You're both on the couch. She's in your lap, her head gently pressed against your chest. You know she hears your breathing. And probably the way your heart beats a little too fast when she calls you.

“Mmm?”

She has her phone in her hand, gripping it on one side and allowing the other to rest against you. Your arms are around her. And as you mindlessly watch the TV over her shoulder, they make a subconscious effort to pull her closer, even though there's no space left between. No distance left to close.

“Are higher dimensions real?”

You smile slightly. It was the kind of thing she asked towards the end of the night. When the room grew dark and your minds wandered into their own worlds. When tiredness caught up to you and sleep began to draw its veil over your eyes.

“Why are you asking?”

Only your screens lit up the room, keeping you connected in the darkness. It allowed you to barely make out her smile in return.

“Have you been watching weird videos again?”

She laughs. But it's soft. Barely noticeable above even the sound of the quiet television. But you recognize it. The vibration as it moves from her chest into yours. And you swear you fall for her all over again.

“I just thought you'd be the right person to ask.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I don't know,” she pauses. You see a smirk creeping onto her face. “You just seem out of this world.”

Immediately, she buries her face in your chest, hiding the smile that would have definitely stopped your heart if it hadn't already.

“Minj…”

You resort to laughing as well. Pull her even closer.

“So,” she says into your chest before turning her sleepy eyes back up to you. “Are they real?”

Her words were nothing but a whisper now. So you answer just as quietly.

“I mean, they exist in math. And, who knows, they could exist in the real world but we're just not able to perceive them.”

“Is there a way someone could?”

“Theoretically, with a change of perspective, yes. Like, imagine we're beings that live on the edge of a circle. And we can only move along that edge. Kind of like walking along a straight line around the earth.”

You watch her eyes flutter as she loosely follows your fingers trace a circle in the air. Maybe she's trying to imagine it. Maybe she's falling asleep. But you continue anyway, explaining it more to yourself now than to her.

“From that one-dimensional perspective, we basically live on just a line and we have no reason to believe it's anything else but a straight line. But for someone who can see higher dimensions, they can see the curvature. And that there's a whole other dimension above the circle, too. But how we could make that change in perspective, I don't know.”

“Yeah…” she trails off. “But that's cool, though!”

You've heard that before.

“You didn't get any of that did you?”

“I do get it! I swear.”

You content yourself with her answer. After all, who cares if she didn't really understand? Who cares about higher dimensions and different perspectives? This is the only perspective you need. Looking at her when she's here in your embrace. Her touch as warm as the sun. If only you could bottle up this feeling – the way she makes you feel so alive, so loved, like nothing else matters in this world – so you could keep it forever.

But she speaks again.

“And only they can see that you just go in a loop.”

Not even you had considered that. You nod and continue her thought.

“Yeah, you're right! They'd be able to see your whole path at once, while you can only experience it from beginning to end.”

Silence envelopes the room. She lets her phone lock. The TV dims and asks if you're still there. It's too dark now to see her clearly. There was no indication of the passage of time. It felt like an eternity before she eventually makes a sound – a sniffle.

Then she asks, “If you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change anything?”

“I-I don't know. Maybe if something really bad happened, but I don't think so. Would you?”

You feel her shift up to kiss you. Her cheek brushes against yours and as it does you feel the unmistakable touch of moisture. It lingers. Even as she rests her head back on your shoulder. It lingers.

“If I could see my whole life, even if I knew all the good and bad things that would happen, I would always choose you.”

As you both drifted off to sleep, your last thought was that of a promise. That you would do the same.

But that was then.

And this is now.

Your whole life moving in a straight line, on a collision course with this singular, inevitable moment.

It's the same apartment, the same couch, but the lights are blinding now. Every emotion, every expression, every tear and quivering lip was as clear as day. Every word like a knife that you felt so viscerally.

She's crying. Apologizing. Pleading.

You're angry. Confused. Desperate.

“You're telling me you knew this would happen? You never really planned on staying with me, did you?”

“Baby, no! I-”

“Don't call me that.”

You see her heart break in her eyes as you cut her off. But you feel nothing. You can't feel. Not after your own heart was just shattered to pieces.

“So that's it? You're leaving?”

“I don't want to. But I can't… I can't stay.”

Your eyes fall to the floor.

“You always knew didn't you? That we'd have to break up once you debuted?”

Her silence was her response.

“Did I really mean anything to you, then?”

She answers with another question.

“You remember that night you asked me if I would change anything if I could see my whole life? Well, my answer's still the same. I would always choose you no matter how painfully it has to end. Because you made me happier than anyone else.”

She desperately clutches at your hands, hoping that the physical pressure of doing so would force you to understand.

“Then why do you have to… Why did you have to…”

But there's no use asking more questions. You already know all the answers. There's no going back now. This is the only way forward. Your life is a straight line. And so is hers. And they only intersect for a brief, bittersweet moment.

Perhaps it is simply human nature to be bound by this rudimentary linear logic. Who are you to think you can escape it? So you resign yourself to letting her go. Because you love her. You remember your promise. And you accept all the joy that she was, and all the pain that she will be. And you imagine a different world. A circle where there are no beginnings and ends, where time is frozen still. Where you could be with her. Always.

[elly99]

Just Another Night

The queue to check in was long at the hotel you were staying.

When you had been told about this city, this was not quite what they were saying.

But what was that Saying exactly, if not the misconceptions of the majority?

Who say it's the city of romance, love and, like, beauty?

They'd probably never been to Paris, really.

Because it was hard to picture all of that, taking an overpriced taxi.

Or the metro that you were certain doubled as a sewer.

And seeing the swarms of tourists along Champs-Élysées lining up to buy bags or whatever.

So what was it, really? What did everyone come here to find?

And what was it you were expecting an ideal night in Paris to be?

Well, if we're talking about Ideals, only one name comes to mind.

And of course it's her. It's Kim Minji.

So you imagine that Ideal. You imagine her just ahead of you in the queue.

And she happens to be here, right now, in the same city, at the same hotel, because she's here to see you.

Wait, no. This is your imagination, sure, but you'd still like to be realistic. Yes, that's what you'd like to do.

So you tell yourself she'd be here for work. And if you asked her what she thought, she'd probably think that was more realistic, too.

So, she's here for work and you're also here, just by complete chance.

And she finishes checking in and happens to shoot you a glance.

And she's here for work, but of course she's here alone, without her manager.

Because you like to be realistic, except when it comes to thinking about her.

Just like in high school when you thought you could ask her out.

But to her, you were just The One Sitting Two Rows Behind, no doubt.

That's beside the point, though, because she's here now and she's staring straight at you.

Checking to make sure that it's really Her Classmate From A Year Ago Or Two.

She walks over to you and you walk over to her, leaving your place in line as you do.

Because, with her right in front of you, there can be nowhere else to go to.

And she's smiling with those eyes, the ones that had you enchanted, enthralled, enraptured and all that.

And she's happy to see you, it seems, and she wants to have a chat.

The typical How are yous and I'm goods are exchanged.

A predetermined sequence of words that someone else arranged.

That should be awkwardly repeated whenever you meet Someone From Way Back When.

Or, in this case, when you happen to meet the girl who was your High School Crush then.

But we all know you never stopped liking her. You were in love and you always had been.

A Crush, evidently, does exactly what it says on the tin.

Because you feel again now that familiar pressure in your chest. That Feeling you feel whenever she's near.

And after not seeing her for so long (she's more stunning than you remember), you're falling all over again, you fear.

You're falling but this time she catches you. She has something important to say.

She says, "You can check in later. Wanna hang out in my room?" Stunned, you manage an Okay.

So you two are alone, heading to her room in an elevator.

You think to yourself, "What if someone finds out about this later?"

But she leaves you no time to think as her hand brushes yours.

And suddenly you want the building to have an infinite number of floors.

Because her hair is tucked behind her ear just so.

So you can see her neck and watch all her skin glow.

Stupidly but slowly, you lean in.

And she turns to you with this stupid grin.

An I've-got-you-now grin that's just so sly.

You have no other choice now but to comply.

And her eyes say something like, "I want you, too."

And the next thing you know, she's kissing you.

Her perfume. It's Chanel. Chance, Eau Vive.

And she smells so good, like you wouldn't believe.

Then you're in her room and she's in your embrace.

And you finally get it, why people love this place.

Because Paris is Paris. It's the City of Love.

And you found her here under the stars above.

But the morning comes and reality sinks in.

Your mind has been wandering somewhere it shouldn't have been.

She says, "See you around," but those weren't the three words you wanted to hear.

You know she'd never say them. You know you'd never hold her near.

So in response, you whisper, "I wish you were mine."

Because it was just another night in Paris and you were still stuck in the line.

[elly99]

let's talk asap <3

Now that us without me is fully published, I think that's it from me for now. This is gonna be my last update for the foreseeable future. I might come back next year if I have some more ideas, but I really don't know. Maybe after a very long break. But right now just feels like a good place to close this chapter of my life, so I just wanted to say a few things before I go.

I first found NewJeans in September 2022 and I was only passively listening to their music up until May this year, when I really started to watch more of their content and follow them more closely in general. I just fell in love with their personalities and the way they never hesitated to show love and kindness. But it was also in May that I began to have a really hard time. So I started this blog as a way to redirect my emotions in an abstract way that was out of the norm for me. I was able to express parts of myself that I usually would be too scared to show. And it helped. Or at least it was one of the things that helped. The fact that NewJeans are such sweethearts helped, too. And the fact that my stories received so much more love than I could have ever imagined always brightened up my day.

So whether you've been following me from the beginning or since just last week, whether you've left a note for me on one of my posts or just been silently reading along, or if somehow you happen to be reading this without any context, I want you to know I appreciate you. I enjoyed writing and reading all your reactions. Thank you for making my time here special. It was nice being elly99.

It's still tough sometimes but things are getting better now. And if there's anything I learned from this rough patch, it's that if you're having a hard time, reach out to someone. If you love someone, tell them. Remind them everyday in little ways. If you miss someone, let them know. Ask them at night to look up at the moon and if you can both see it in that same moment, then you can draw a line up to the moon and down to them wherever they are in the world, and suddenly you're connected. Cherish those connections you have with the people you love. Be kind to others and yourself. You're never really alone. We're all on this tiny rock floating through this immense universe together. And even if that makes you feel small, remember that it makes you all the more precious, too.

Until next time, Elly

<3

[elly99]

us without me VII: everything

A story series from the perspective of Mia (fem!Reader/OC) as she goes through her memories and recounts falling in love with her best friend in high school, Minji. She suffers in silence until she breaks and it all comes crashing down.

Part 7 of 7. Check here for more details. Reading previous parts for context is encouraged. CW for language.

Her debut was just over a month away. 

It was 7:22 in the morning and she had just arrived back from Spain. You see her from a distance saying goodbye to her members. They recognize you from the many times you picked Minji up from practice and wave enthusiastically. You wave shyly in return. Then she runs to you, as fast as she possibly could with her luggage in tow, straight into your arms.

“Hey!” is all you can manage as she suffocates you with a bear hug.

“I missed you so much. How are you?”

“I’m alright! Been missing you, too. How was your birthday?”

“It was sooo good! We were filming that day and it was really, really fun. I also got really nice gifts. I already told you all about it!”

“I know. I was just hoping you’d say you missed me.” You look ahead, avoiding her eyes.

She laughs and lightly punches your shoulder.

“I told you that many times, too,” she says softly. “But I’ll say it again anyway. I really did miss you on my birthday. It wasn’t the same without you.”

You finally smile, content with her response.

“I’m so happy you’re back, Min. It was weird being away from you for so long.”

“Me, too. It’s so good to see you.” You both start walking to the taxi stands. “Thanks for picking me up, by the way. I know it’s really early.”

“Well, your family’s away so somebody had to do it.”

“Wow, you really sound like you want to be here.” She chuckles. “I could’ve just gone home with the others, you know?”

“And you know there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, right?”

“Ugh, so greasy, bro!” she exclaims, hitting your shoulder again only to grab your hand right after. She hails a cab with the other.

“I still have a lot of stuff to do before July but this weekend I’m just gonna stay in bed and not move.”

“Sounds like a plan. Will we have any other time to hang out, though?”

“Yeah, don’t worry! I’ll find time. I promise.”

On the ride home she doesn’t let go of your hand. And though you had your ring on you didn’t allow yourself to hope. You didn’t allow yourself to pretend. But you did allow yourself to enjoy it. Just one last time. After all, her debut was just over a month away.

-

“I got you a new diary, by the way,” you say matter-of-factly as she unpacks. She turns to you with gleeful puppy eyes and your heart melts like all those times before. “And while you were away I removed all the stickers from my locker and stuck them in here instead. I also got you a bunch of new ones to put wherever…”

Before you know it you’re in her arms and she’s squealing in your ear.

“...except my locker!” you emphasize, laughing a little. “I know it’s not much but… happy birthday!”

“Bro, stop. I love it! Thank you so much! It’s so prettyyy!”

It felt good to see her happy. But you still longed for more. You knew you needed to stop but you never figured out how. And she’d never know that you left tears in her hair.

“I missed you, Mia.” She releases you from her hug and you exchange smiles. “I’m so glad I’m home cuz I’m kinda… no, I’m super tired. Think I’ll nap for a bit.”

“You should try and stay up for as long as you can! It’ll be better for your jet lag.”

“I literally can’t keep my eyes open, bro. Maybe just an hour or something.”

“Fine. I’ll wake you up for dinner,” you concede and get up to leave her room.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“What? I’m just letting you sleep.”

“Can’t you stay with me?”

What was it about those words? What was it about her eyes in that moment? Like she would cry if you walked out that door. But you quickly dismiss it, assuming it was just your brain projecting, your heart finding excuses.

“I mean, yeah, of course. Just thought you’d want some space.”

“Huh? After not seeing you for so long?”

You simply smile in response and lie down next to her. You stare at the ceiling while she closes her eyes and quickly falls asleep. You’d been here before. It was all too familiar. Her breathing slows while yours becomes shallow, like water was pressing against your chest. And you just lie like that, barely staying afloat on the surface of the ocean of your yearning.

-

Before you know it, evening had come. Your attempts to wake her were met with nothing but faint noises and limp movements.

“Min? Minji. You need to get up, bro. You slept for so long already.”

“Mmm.”

“Should I order something for dinner?”

“I’m not hungry,” she mumbles into her pillow before opening her eyes and staring at you. After a pause she asks, “Can I hug you?”

The question was sudden. Disturbing. The answer would have always been ‘yes’ but something about the intimacy of the situation you found yourself in stopped you from answering immediately.

“Why are you asking?”

“Nothing,” is all she says before wrapping her arms around you. Of course, that in itself was nothing new. But she’d never done this before. Not here. This was her bed. And she was practically cuddling you. It was everything you’d been dreaming about. What you’d been wanting for so long. But experiencing it now, in the flesh, felt like a waking nightmare. The memories flash one by one in your mind. Everything else she’d done. Everything she said. Everything that made you believe she loved you in the same way. None of it made sense. Because you knew she didn’t. And after so long you finally felt it. Cracking. Shattering. Bursting at the seams. The final straw. The moment you’d been dreading. You had reached your breaking point.

“Minji?”

Her eyes awaken with concern as the weight of your tone falls on her ears.

“Yeah?” she asks timidly.

“Why are you doing this? Why do you always do this?”

“Do what?” She sits up, clearly uneasy with the way your voice was hardening.

“Why do you pretend you love me?”

“What do you mean? I’m not pretending. What are you talking about?”

“You don’t get it, do you?”

“Mia… you’re scaring me…” she ekes out.

You stand up and turn away from her, taking breaths as deep as your lungs would allow.

“I love you, Minji… I’m in love with you.”

Years of heartache converge onto that singular moment. Your confession. And there's nothing but silence from her corner of the room. Through gritted teeth you continue.

“So when you practically act like my girlfriend sometimes and I have to go to sleep at night knowing you’re not… it really fucking hurts!”

You slam your fist against the door before falling to the ground. Your tears follow suit.

“Did you really not know?”

“I…”

You blow air past your nose. A pitiful attempt at laughter.

“I guess I did a good job hiding it, then.”

“Mia, I... I know. I knew. I mean, I wasn’t sure but…”

You turn back to meet her eyes and in them you watched the reality you thought you knew crumble. Denial sets in as quickly as anger does.

“You knew?” Your words dripping with feelings of betrayal.

She nods, bringing her hands up to cover her face as tears start to pool in her eyes as well.

“You knew and still…” You listen like an unwelcome eavesdropper as your voice starts to shout of its own accord. “Well, do you know how it made me feel? Do you know that, Minji? You’ve treated me like more than your best friend so many times I can’t even begin to count! Holding hands, all the times you would basically flirt with me and not to mention our fucking rings! You knew I loved you and you just played along? Like you really felt the same way? What the fuck?”

You found yourself unable to feel sorry as she started to sob.

“Minji, I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night because of you! And now you’re telling me you knew this whole time? You knew you were playing with my feelings? Why?”

“Mia, please…”

“Please what?”

She struggles through uncontrollable gasps for air.

“I love you...”

“Oh, wow, you’re just gonna keep going, huh? Stop pretending already!”

Then it was her turn to raise her voice.

“I’m not fucking pretending!”

You were taken aback. It wasn’t like her to swear.

“I love you, Mia! I wasn’t pretending. I never was.”

You refuse to accept that fact. You couldn’t accept that you’d been living a lie for this long.

“Bullshit. Why didn’t you say anything, then?”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

That was something you couldn’t answer. So she did for you.

“Cuz you were scared right? Well, so was I. I did all of those things because I wanted you just as much. I wanted you to be mine. I wanted to be your girlfriend. So I just pretended to be. But I never pretended that I didn’t love you in that way. I just never told you.”

“You don’t mean that. There’s no way…”

“I do mean it.”

Your eyes fall to the ground in disbelief. It was excruciating to keep looking at her.

“You could’ve just told me.” Your voice dies down.

“And you could have, too.”

“But the difference is you knew how I felt.”

Your eyes wander to the window.

“And you still played with my heart…” It comes out as a whisper. “If you really loved me you would’ve told me. If you really knew how I felt you would’ve just…”

“I wasn’t sure, Mia!”

“You’re lying.”

“And I was scared, ok? You know I’m about to debut. I can’t get into a relationship. But I love you and I just wanted to know how it felt…”

“So you used me?”

“Don’t say that! That’s not fair!”

You get up, take off the ring on your finger and throw it on the bed in front of her.

“Give this to your real girlfriend next time.”

“Mia, please don’t leave…” she says through more sobs, her voice weaker than ever. “I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry, too. I should’ve just kept it to myself.”

And just like that you were out the door, running home, pulling the weight of the hole in your heart along with you. You didn’t know what you were doing. Were you throwing everything away? Was leaving a mistake? All you were sure of was that, for the first time in your life, you needed to be anywhere but with her.

Still, as you crawl into bed and see her pictures on your walls, you knew that no matter how far you ran, no matter where you went or what you did, no matter how broken your heart was, as long as it was beating, it would beat for her.

There’s nothing you could do or say. I can’t escape the way I love you. I don’t want to, but I love you.

-

A knock on your door.

“Hey, sweetie. Still feeling down?”

It was your mom.

“Yeah,” you mutter quietly from your bed, clutching a pillow, the melody of Attention still stuck in your head.

“You wanna talk about it?”

What would you tell her? That your best friend was now just a memory? That you missed her so much you felt like dying? That even if she were here it would never be the same? That you lost everything? No. You couldn’t tell her any of it.

“Not right now.”

She moved towards your desk, an envelope in hand.

“How’s Minji been?” she asks, oblivious. “Haven’t seen you two hang out in a while. She always made you feel better. Maybe you should…”

“Not right now,” you quickly cut her off.

But she presses on.

“Heard from her mom that she finally got her driver’s license. You two could drive somewhere.”

Wherever that somewhere is, she’ll be driving us without me.

Reading your silence, she places the envelope on the desk and lets her eyes linger on it for a moment.

“Well, I think this is from her.”

You sit up immediately, a cocktail of surprise and pain brewing somewhere in your chest. She sees a hint of it in your eyes and walks back over to the bed to hug you.

“Whatever it is, Mia, it’ll pass. Just give yourself time.”

You nod, face sullen.

“Come down for dinner whenever you want, ok?”

You nod again.

As the door closes behind her, you rush to grab the letter, knowing full well that whatever was written inside would not be good for you. You needed to let go but all you’d ever known was how to hold on. So you hold on to the paper with that same desperate grip as you let Minji's voice break the silence.

[elly99]

us without me VI: nothing

A story series from the perspective of Mia (fem!Reader/OC) as she goes through her memories and recounts falling in love with her best friend in high school, Minji. She suffers in silence until she breaks and it all comes crashing down.

Part 6 of 7. Check here for more details. Reading previous parts for context is encouraged. CW for language.

She was asleep. Lying on her side, turned away from you as you sat by the window. The moonlight was streaming through, casting a shadow on the spot in bed next to her, where you wanted to be. But right now there was nothing but empty sheets. And you were all alone in the dark.

You wondered if she wanted that space next to her filled. Filled with the warmth of someone she loved. You wondered if that could ever be you. Then you wonder why you even cared. Why you had these stupid feelings in the first place. It was all getting too much. You knew you had to do something. You had to tell her while she was still around. So under the light of the moon you write a note to her on your phone. Each word, each letter, every stroke of your thumbs like the twist of a knife.

Min, if you loved someone, would you tell them? I know you tell your friends and family but you’re more reserved with it. You like to say it in other ways. But what if you were in love with someone? Desperately. Would you tell them? Maybe it’s hard for you to imagine being on the other end of all the confession letters you’ve received. How about if that person was your best friend? Would you tell her? I know this is sort of out of the blue but I guess I just need your help. It’s funny cuz you’re the only one I can talk to about this. But you’re also the one I’m in love with. So, as my best friend, could you please help me? How do I deal with these feelings? I know I shouldn’t have them and especially not burden you with them, but how could I not fall for you after all the time we’ve spent together? All the memories we’ve shared. All that chocolate and ice cream. And now this ring. How do I deal with you treating me the way you do? Treading the line between best friends and girlfriends. How do I deal with this, Minji?

I don’t know what will happen to us if I tell you. Trust me, I wish I didn’t have to be writing this, especially now that you’re debuting. But at this point I just need to get it off my chest. I need to at least try to find some closure because I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to keep looking at you, the person I love the most in this world, the person who makes me the happiest, and feel only sadness. It really fucking hurts. Please just tell me what to do.

Though sometimes I wonder if you’ve known all along and you just didn’t know what to say. Nobody knows me better, after all. And sometimes I let myself wonder if you love me too. If everything you’ve ever done was because you do. Or if all I’ll ever be is your friend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful and so lucky to be your best friend. The one you love the most. But while you sleep silently over there as I’m writing this in the middle of the night all I can do is wonder if you love me the way I love you. I mean, the rational part of me knows you don’t. I laugh at myself every time I start to believe. But my heart just can’t let go.

I know you won’t wake up any time soon. And maybe I won’t even give this to you when you do. But maybe in another life you’ll like waking up early in the morning to drink coffee as you watch the sunrise. Maybe you’ll have a lover and you’ll hold them close. Maybe in another life that lover could be me.

As your thumbs run dry and your eyes wet your cheeks you realize that you’re not brave enough. You can’t give this to her. That would mean stepping into the unknown. You couldn’t risk losing her. Not when she was already being slowly pulled away by her responsibilities. No. You liked it as it was. There was comfort in the familiarity of the pain. So you step back into bed with her. Back into the emotional prison you called home. And there sleep finally takes you. But as usual there was no peace to be found in it. You dream of her.

She’s giggling.

“You look like my girlfriend.”

“Really?”

“Actually, my future wife.”

“What’s she like?”

“Mmm, she’s just the sweetest, softest, cutest girl I’ve ever met.”

“Damn it,” you whisper, chuckling a little.

“Why? Are you jealous?”

You laugh again. “Yes. Yes I am.”

“Thought so. I think everyone’s jealous of her.”

“I bet she’s a little intimidated dating a huge star like you.”

This time she lets out a small chuckle. “She does get a little insecure sometimes. She thinks I’ll leave her because I’ll get too busy with my job. It’s cute. Because I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of us.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

You start tearing up. Sensing that, she keeps going.

“She’s scared of getting hurt. But how could I ever hurt such a beautiful soul? She deserves the world. And I’m gonna give her that.”

“Wow, you really seem to like her,” you say through bouts of sniffles.

“I love her with all my heart. She’s my entire world. I’d do anything for her.”

You wake up to find those tears in your eyes again. You realize that the voice you thought was Minji’s was just a reflection of your own. She was indeed the sweetest, softest, cutest, and most beautiful girl you’d ever met. You’d give her the whole world if you could. But indeed you were jealous, too. Of whoever would be able to call her theirs in the future. Because though in your dreams she looked like your girlfriend, you know, looking over at her in the dark and seeing her impossibly close to you, she wasn’t any closer to being yours.

There was nothing between you in more ways than one.

You try to find refuge in your phone. To do anything to put those thoughts to bed. Sensing your restlessness she wakes up. She looks at you and smiles. It was too dim for her to see you’d been crying, so she snuggles up to you before closing her eyes again. Within a few minutes she’s back asleep and you’re left alone under the light of your phone with only the voices in your head to keep you company. No amount of mindless scrolling could silence them. There was nowhere on the internet you could hide. No album in your gallery was safe. All you could hear was her name. All you could see was her face. You turn off your phone and put it away, realizing the futility.

There was nothing you could do.

And just like that you’re alone in the dark. Again. She was there beside you but she really wasn’t at the same time. Because you couldn’t love her the way you wanted. You couldn’t tell her all the things you wanted to tell her. You couldn’t give her that note. Every accidental touch when you shifted in bed felt like a sin. Every breath you took of her air felt like a crime. Every heartbeat pumped blood red hot with forbidden love. So you freeze. And your mind runs free. It was too tiring to try and stop it.

How bad would it be to just wrap my arms around you now? To hold you like I’ve always wanted to.

You know you shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts. But in the dark, with nothing for your eyes to see, your imagination takes over.

“I’m so grateful to have someone like you. To have you. I love you, Mia.”

Why did you have to say that? Now what do I do with myself? You’re fast asleep without a care in the world while I have to sit here and listen to those words over and over again.

You imagine holding her hands. Feeling her soft and delicate skin against yours. Tracing the lines on her palms, the creases of her fingers, feeling the gentle tickle of her fingertips. You’d held hands before but it would be different if she were yours. You would feel that warmth that only lovers could feel.

“I love you, Mia.”

Bullshit. You love me? In what universe?

You feel anger coursing through your veins. But was is it directed at her? Was she really to blame? Or was it directed at yourself? For falling in love with your best friend. That anger channels itself through your arms as you imagine wrapping them around her. Her body against yours. Feeling her chest expand for a breath only to hear that breath in your ear as she exhales. Hearts beating in tandem. You squeeze a little too hard out of love. And desperation. You’d hugged many times before but it would be different if she were yours. You would feel that warmth that only lovers could feel.

Well, I love you, too, Min. And I wish you knew how much this hurts.

As your anger and pain reach a climax you let go of all inhibitions. You close your eyes. Then imagine pulling her towards you. Looking at nothing but her lips. Inch by inch, drawing closer, until there’s nothing, no space, no air between you. As you kiss her you feel her hands touching your waist, burning you like hot coals. You hear her struggling to breathe through her nose, the soft whines that escape her like the song of a siren, calling you to throw yourself overboard.

And so you do. You imagine her taste. And she tastes sweet. Like the ice cream you had when she bought you your rings. Or the watermelon you shared at the beach. Or the chocolate she’d always get for you on the way home. Or like nothing at all. Because how would you know? It wasn’t for you to find out. It would never be.

Then you drown. Her lips on yours seals a fate that would never be destined for you. It was a kiss of death. And just like that you had nothing left as you allow your last sliver of hope to die.

[elly99]

us without me V: sleep

A story series from the perspective of Mia (fem!Reader/OC) as she goes through her memories and recounts falling in love with her best friend in high school, Minji. She suffers in silence until she breaks and it all comes crashing down.

Part 5 of 7. Check here for more details. Reading previous parts for context is encouraged.

The combination of street lamps and car headlights nearly blinds you as you step back outside. It was colder than you were expecting. Noticing your discomfort, she locks arms with you and pulls you close.

“I know it’s a little cold but do you wanna take the long way home and walk by the river?”

“Sure,” you muttered. “That sounds nice.”

“I’ll keep you warm! Don’t worry!” she reassures.

You knew she could tell you were still a little upset. Your heart melts knowing she was doing her best to lift your mood. But you remain silent. You didn’t quite know what to say. You didn’t even know if there were words to describe how you were feeling.

She continues to lead the way, guiding you through streets you couldn’t recognize, though their names were familiar. Everything just felt like a blur. And all the while she had her arm around yours. Even if it felt real, even if you wanted it to mean something more, you reminded yourself that you’d stopped pretending you were hers any longer.

After a few minutes she finally breaks the silence.

“You ok?” she asks, turning to you but avoiding eye contact. Her voice was as sweet as ever.

“Oh, yeah! It’s just… a lot to take in.” Your gaze falls to the ground as you take a deep breath.

Then she turns to you. “Mia, I’m really sorry. I…”

“Hey, no,” you cut her off. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be acting this way. I’m really happy for you, Min. I hope you know that.”

She nods with a smile.

“It’s just that…” You pause to find the right words. “It’s a combination of a lot of things. It’s just hard to believe that soon you’ll be an idol and I just know you’ll be sooo busy. You’re gonna be a celebrity. Like, that’s insane to me. One day we’re high school kids and the next you’re suddenly… a star. Everyone will know you.”

“You don’t know that. We might not even make it big.”

“I don’t buy that for a second. The world’s gonna love you, Minj.”

She smiles again but this time not at you. Still, you catch what seems like a subtle blush on her cheek as she looks away.

“But that’s just it. I feel like I’m losing my best friend to the world somehow. I have no clue what I’m even gonna be doing next year. Meanwhile, you’ve got it all planned out. I just feel… left behind, I guess. Especially since you’ll be gone on your birthday. It’ll be the first time we won’t celebrate it together. It just feels like a turning point and I just…”

Sensing that your emotions were boiling over, she quickly drops her bags and wraps her arms around you. Behind her you see the reflection of the full moon in the Han river come into view.

“…feel so alone.”

“But you’re not alone, Mimi.” She gently rubs your back to the rhythm of the waves on the water. “I’ll always be here for you, ok?”

Only silent tears in response. But she doesn’t see them.

“Yes, I’ll be busy and yes, I’ll be away a lot. But I’ll never leave, ok?”

“Ok,” is all you can muster.

“I love you.”

“I… love you.”

“I’m not gonna leave. You’ll always have me by your side. I promise you that.”

And I promise one day I’ll get over you. But not tonight.

-

The long walk home was filled with silence. Both of you wanting to reassure the other, but neither of you knowing what to say. So you both just shuffle along awkwardly, arms still locked but less tight than before, until your house heaves into view. You notice the lights still on as you approach.

“I guess they’re still up.” You gesture to the bags in your hand holding your new jeans. “I’ll quickly drop these off and pack my things.”

“Mmm. But you have clothes at my place, you know?”

“Toiletries?”

“I have everything, bro.”

“Cool. I’ll just go say good night, then.”

“Me, too. I’ll come with you.”

It was difficult having her around in front of your family. You always had to pray they didn’t catch the way you looked at her. The way you fell apart when she looked at you. To avoid that situation entirely you run upstairs and leave everything in your room while she makes conversation with them downstairs. It was 11:11 and you wish you could leave your feelings in your room, too. Hide them away forever where they couldn’t hurt you. But the framed pictures and polaroids of the both of you scattered all around the room reminded you that was impossible. So you keep your ring in your pocket, turn off the light and close the door.

You say good night in unison as you step back outside.

“You’re always so sweet with them, Min. They seem a lot happier when you’re around than with their own daughter.” You chuckle to yourself.

“Well, without them I wouldn’t have you.” She turns to you with a soft smile. “It’s always nice seeing them. They remind me of you.”

You don’t return her smile. You can’t. Instead you look straight ahead, walking the familiar path down the street to her place.

“And maybe if you weren’t frowning all the time, they’d enjoy your company more, bro,” she says teasingly, gently nudging you with her elbow.

You manage to laugh a little. “I guess you’re right.”

Brief silence as you walk side by side under the moonlight.

“Hey, Min?”

“Mmm?”

“Thanks again for tonight. For everything. And again I’m sorry for being this down.”

“Bro, it’s all good.”

“I’m really excited for you, I promise.”

“I know, don’t worry.”

“And… I love you.”

She smiles. Though it wasn’t quite happiness in her eyes.

“I know, don’t worry,” she repeats.

Did she really?

-

“Hey, can I go shower first?”

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll try and look for a movie in the mean time.”

You sit alone on her bed, nothing but the sound of water from the other room to keep you company. With everything that happened tonight, you really had no intentions of watching a movie. No energy or willpower. Nothing left to give. Nevertheless, you scroll through the selections robotically, barely registering any of the titles, but doing your best to distract yourself from the thoughts piling up in your head.

She comes out with one of your shirts on, her hair still wet and her face bare, and you have to stop yourself from screaming ‘I love you’. She was the only movie you wanted to watch. Even if you were just a supporting actress in it.

“Hey, isn’t that the only shirt I have here?”

“Yeah, just take one of mine,” she says as she moves over to the bed. “Did you choose something to watch?”

“Not yet. I’ll keep looking when I get back.”

“Alright.”

You stand up and walk to the bathroom, avoiding her eyes as you do so. Before you enter she calls out, “Mia?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, too, by the way. I don’t think I said it back earlier.”

She’s doing it again. That smile trying to cheer you up. But it only does the opposite. You walk out of view before replying, “I know, don’t worry.” And as the door closes behind you, you burst into not-so-silent tears, your face buried in your towel. Your quiet sobs force you to inhale sharply and take in her familiar scent, fresh from the shower she just had, standing right where you were now. It clings to you like the imminent summer heat. You didn’t want it. You hated it. You didn’t want to love her. But she left you no choice.

-

“Did you cry, Mia? Your eyes are red.”

“No, it’s just… You know when you’re trying to close your conditioner bottle but the cap, like, flings conditioner into your eyes? Or is that just a me thing?”

“Mmm, I think that’s just you.” You notice how eager she was to laugh. You knew she wanted nothing more than to lighten your mood. “I never have that problem. Just close it gently, bro. Or, like, look away or something.”

“It’s harder than it looks.”

“바보.”

“Ugh. Forget it.”

“So, do you have something you wanna watch?”

“Actually, I don’t think I have enough energy to watch a movie tonight. Can we just chill?”

“Yeah, that’s alright! It was just a suggestion anyway. Let’s just talk. Let me turn off the lights.”

She gets up and reaches for the switch by the doorway that you were still standing in.

“Min, I’m right here. You could’ve just asked me to…”

Then she hugs you. Your heart skips another beat. A sensation that felt so familiar.

“I know. I just wanted to give you a hug. Now that you’re clean,” she teases. Hearing no response from you, she adds, “I know you’re feeling down, bro. And I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

The way you look in my eyes, it kills me every time.

“Yeah, but enough about me. I wanna know how you’re feeling. This is a big thing for you, Min.”

She sits back down on the bed and considers your words.

“I’m feeling a lot of things, too. Like, anxious, nervous, excited… But, yeah, I think I feel sad as well. I know this is what I wanna do but I also don’t like the thought of spending less time with you.”

“You’re gonna be amazing, though. I’m really excited for you.”

She smiles, though it was laced with uncertainty.

“I hope the world likes me. If they like me even half as much as you like me, I’ll be happy.”

She really had no idea. She had no idea your world spun just for her.

“I know they’ll love you. But, yeah… never as much as me.”

You playfully wink, putting on an act once again, and pray that she’d stay as oblivious as always to what you really felt. Though deep down what you really wanted was for her to know. And for her to feel the same. Some day you would stop wanting. But not tonight.

“You won’t forget me, right, Min?”

“Mia, of course not! Why would you think that? 

“I don’t know. Maybe one day you’ll outgrow me.”

“Never. You’ll always be my best friend. And I’ll always be just Minji to you. Not an idol. Not NewJeans Kim Minji. Just Minji. Your best friend. Your Minji. You know that.”

Just Minji, your best friend. Just your best friend.

The way you look in my eyes, it feels me with a fire.

“I’m so grateful to have someone like you. To have you. I love you, Mia.”

But you knew it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same desperate ‘I love you’ you heard leave your mouth when you replied. It wasn’t the same ‘I love you’ you felt in your heart that was kicking, screaming, crying for help. Crying for mercy.

‘Cause even when the sky is falling, you are all I want and I can’t do anything.

If you could give her anything it would be the ability to see her through your eyes. Just so she’d understand how it felt. Maybe then, after more than a year of sleepless nights thinking about her, wishing you could lie in her arms, you’d finally be able to rest.

But not tonight. Tonight you were in her room. And in her room none of the pillows were yours. The ones you used to dry your tears. The ones into which you’d scream her name in agony.

[elly99]

us without me IV: new jeans

A story series from the perspective of Mia (fem!Reader/OC) as she goes through her memories and recounts falling in love with her best friend in high school, Minji. She suffers in silence until she breaks and it all comes crashing down.

Part 4 of 7. Check here for more details. Reading previous parts for context is encouraged. CW for language.

“Mia-ya,” she calls from behind her locker door.

“Mmm?”

“You wanna do something this weekend?”

“I dunno. Just relax, I guess.”

“You don’t wanna do something together?” She closes her locker, revealing her face pouting at you.

There were so many things you wanted to do together. But you bury those ideas under the books you stuff into your own locker.

“Did you have something in mind?”

“Nothing in particular. Just something with you.”

Fucking hell.

“Well, I think I need new jeans. Help me pick out some?”

You catch her smiling to herself.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She giggles. “I’ll tell you later.”

“Why are you laughing?”

“I’ll tell you later!”

“김민지 이상하다.”

Before closing your locker you notice a tiny bear sticker on the door.

“How did this get here? We’re only a month in and you’ve already started vandalizing my locker?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, bro.”

“Is this why you were laughing at me?”

“No, no! But I will admit it’s funny how you only noticed it now. And also how easy it was to guess your code.”

“Wait, yeah! How the fuck did you know?”

“Mia! No need to be so angry that your best friend knows you so well.”

It slowly dawns on you. “You remembered the date?”

“Of course! The day we got these,” she says, lifting her ring finger up to your face. “It was my idea after all.”

You look down at your own fingers. And you start to feel your sanity slowly slipping through them.

“To be fair, it did take me a couple of tries before I got it. But still… I know you’re sentimental like that, so it wasn’t hard.”

As she proudly struts away to the cafeteria you spot her applying lip balm - the same one you used.

You thought you’d buried it in your locker along with everything else but you find yourself powerless to stop the idea of kissing her making its way back into your mind as the lip balm touches her lips.

-

The smell of spring wafted in through the open bedroom window. You had your phone to text her in one hand and the chocolate bar she got you on the walk home in the other.

so we’re just going shopping tomorrow?

yeah unless u had something else u wanted to do

wanna watch a movie?

huh? i thought u didnt like movies

yeah but i just want to spend time with you and i know you like going to the cinema so

You admire the blue ring on your finger and laugh.

My girlfriend really likes me, doesn’t she?

As long as you had it on you could pretend. So you never took it off.

i just checked and there arent any movies showing rn that im interested in

wanna come sleep over at my place then? we can watch the movies we want

wow u really wanna spend time with me huh

you got a problem with that bro?

no its just ur being sweeter than usual idk

well i do have something really important to tell you and i just wanna spend the day together so we can talk about it

No, Mia. It can’t be what you think it is.

is this what u were being so secretive about earlier?

yeah

why so serious bro is everything ok?

yeah everything’s perfect! i just want to tell you in person

No. Fucking. Way.

why not now?

i’ll tell you tomorrow dw

you promise?

of course! i’ll pick you up at 10? or is that too early?

no im fine with it but i doubt youll wake up that early

you’re right 😖 i’ll just text you tomorrow

sure

okie good night mimi ily 💗

good night <3

Mia, there’s just no way. Calm down. You’re being silly. You’re being delusional. Stop it.

You start laughing again at the absurdity of the situation. At the fact you were even entertaining the thought. You laugh until tears start pooling in your eyes. Until you forget why you were laughing in the first place. Until the tears fall and you find yourself crying into the night.

-

i’m up

congrats on waking up before noon ig

hey i set an alarm just for you so you better be grateful

woah im so touched

we have a date today so i better be on time right? 😊

Damn it, Minji.

does that mean youll be here soon?

yeah in 30

cool

It was 11:10. You’d gotten ready to go two hours ago. But she didn’t need to know that. She didn’t need to know that you were dying to know what it was she wanted to tell you.

hey i miss you

What the fuck?

bro whats up ur never this clingy

sorry i’m just really happy

about what?

you’ll see

It was 11:11. You wish for what you’d always wished for. You knew there was no point but with her being like this and your ring still on your finger, the line between fantasy and reality had never been more blurred.

-

Waiting outside your front door, you see her approaching from down the street. Even at that distance you could see the radiant smile she was giving you.

Often you wondered what life would have been like had you not moved in just down the street from her. Had you not gone to the same school. What if the universe didn’t give you so many opportunities to get close to each other? Why did it have to give you so many reasons to fall for her? But you had no choice. This was your life now. The girl you called your best friend, the one standing in front of you, was the person you so desperately loved.

“굿모닝.”

“It’s not morning anymore. You’re late.”

“미안!” You’re reminded that every apology would sound like your name. “But I’m here now. Let’s go.”

“Don’t you have something to tell me first?”

“Later. Over dinner.” Her smile was cheeky. Teasing.

“We have dinner plans?”

“Yup. My treat.”

Your heart trips over its own beats.

“Bro, it should be my turn.”

“Mia, no. This one’s important to me.”

Then it starts to scream as it hits the ground.

“My god, Min, what’s this about?”

“Don’t worry about it! Let’s just go get your new jeans first.”

She starts laughing again and you still don’t know why.

-

“Minji! No way!” you exclaim, shopping bags filled with clothes in one hand, her hand in the other as she tugs you along to a familiar part of the mall.

She just smiles and sticks her tongue out.

“This place is expensive!”

“But it’s your favorite. So it’s where we’re going.”

“Minjiii,” you whine.

“Hey, if you really cared about me spending too much you wouldn’t have such expensive taste. You left me no choice, to be honest.”

“Bro!”

For the first time in a while you’re laughing together. For a reason you both knew.

“For real, though, Mia. It’s fine! It’s my treat, so don’t worry about it.”

“You’re so sweet, Min.”

As if that needed further confirmation, she pulls out a chair for you.

“Mia! Are you blushing?”

“What? No!” You quickly cover your face with your hands. Your ring smiles a devilish smile as you bring it close.

“Don’t fall in love, bro,” she says teasingly. But it was way too late for that.

“What do you mean? I’m just excited for the food.”

“Sure.”

With that one word her expression changes. You couldn’t quite parse it. But you convinced yourself that there was something about her face that told you that she knew. And there was nothing more terrifying.

-

As your meal comes to a close and the night slows down she finally says it.

“Mia.”

“Minji.”

“I have something to tell you.”

“I know.” Your voice falters as your heartbeats quicken. You clear your throat to hide it. “Just tell me already.”

She leans over the table, looking straight into your eyes with something like anxiousness in hers.

“I’m… I’m debuting in July.”

In that moment, as your pounding chest comes to a crashing halt, there was no greater dissonance than wanting to be happy for your best friend but being disappointed that she didn’t want to be more than that. Being excited for her future but being bitter that her future wasn’t you.

Then came rage. Fury. The dissonance between expecting, wanting, praying for her to confess and knowing that that was just a puerile, selfish fantasy you conjured for yourself. “You’re being silly again,” is what she would have said. You were so angry and there was no one else to blame but you.

“Bro, I’m so happy for you!” you strain. “All that hard work’s finally paying off!”

“Thanks, Mia,” she says softly.

“I don’t even know why you were worried you wouldn’t debut! You’re so talented. It was always gonna happen. I’m so proud of you, Min!”

“Thank you,” she repeats with her eyes.

“So, what’s the name of your group?”

She laughs once more and you finally understand why.

“NewJeans.”

“Oh my god, no wonder.”

“But don’t tell anyone, ok?”

“Of course, bro. Why would you even think I’d tell anyone?” you ask a little more aggressively than you’d like, still barely controlling your anger. Thankfully, she doesn’t notice.

“Just making sure.”

“How many songs do you have?”

“Four. And, yeah, we’ll be filming our music videos in Spain.”

“Oh, wow!” You wonder how much longer you could hide it. How much longer until she realizes you were faking it. “When are you leaving?”

“Next week. Which is why I wanted to spend time with you this weekend.”

“Wait, will you be gone for your birthday, then?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh.” You struggle to find words to say as your anger is replaced by sadness. “I’ll miss you…”

“I’m sorry! I’ll miss you, too! I promise we’ll spend lots of time together when I get back.”

“But I’m sure you’ll be really busy even then. Even more when you debut…”

“Let’s not worry about it yet, Mia! I’m still here. And I’m just happy to be with you now.”

“Me, too.” You smile weakly.

“I’ll just go pay, ok? I’ll be right back, then we can talk more about it at home. We have all night anyway!”

“Thanks, Min. For the food. For today. For everything.”

“Aww, bro, you sound so sad!” she says as she stands up. You look up at her from your chair. Seeing your hand on the table, she gently wraps hers around it and you hear the subtle clink of your rings as they touch. “I’m still here, ok? I always will be.”

You don’t take your eyes off her as she walks away. And they remain glued to her in forbidden admiration as she returns. Every time you looked at her there was always a part of you that wanted to just rush over to her and tell her everything. That she was your everything. Your first love. Now, knowing the world would soon fall in love with her, too - because you knew everyone would - that part of you wanted to keep her all to yourself.

Then there was the part of you just happy to see her. To have her in your life. Because she did make you happy. She always tried her best to put a smile on your face. She was an angel like that and today was further proof of it. And her smile - the same one you could see on her face now as she approached you - it made you feel safe. Like things were going to be alright. There was a strange, counterintuitive comfort you found in it, knowing that, even if she didn’t know your pain, she’d be there for you. She thought the world of you. She loved you like no one else could. Just not in that way. And you were happy with that. You’d have to be.

“가자.”

At the sound of her soft voice your sadness gives way to resignation. You remind yourself that it wasn’t her fault she couldn’t give you what your heart yearned for. And in doing so, you could finally, truly be happy for her.

With your hand hidden from her in your pocket, you slip your ring off with your thumb as she takes you home.

[elly99]

us without me III: ice cream

A story series from the perspective of Mia (fem!Reader/OC) as she goes through her memories and recounts falling in love with her best friend in high school, Minji. She suffers in silence until she breaks and it all comes crashing down.

Part 3 of 7. Check here for more details. Reading previous parts for context is encouraged. CW for language.

There she was again, waiting for you after class, holding her hand out for you to take. Something in the January air has you wrapping your arms around her instead.

And it felt so good. So why did it have to hurt so much?

“Did you miss me or something?” She smiles, slightly surprised.

“You just looked cold waiting for me out here.”

“You should’ve come out faster, then,” she says teasingly.

“Sorry. Just wait for me inside next time.”

“But this is always our meeting spot.” She looks ahead and starts walking. “And if I do get cold I can just ask you for a hug. You’re always really warm. I’ll be fine.”

She looks back at you, her hair waving in the gentle wind as she does so. The conflict you were feeling must have been apparent from your expression because she stops.

“What’s wrong, Mimi?” The sudden burst of concern in her tone and on her face was heartbreaking.

“Hmm? Nothing!” you lie.

“I’m not falling for that. I always know when something’s up. I’m your best friend, remember?”

Of course you remember. It was a fact too beautiful and painful to forget.

“Sorry,” you say as you catch up to her. “I don’t know. I’m just feeling sad for some reason.”

But the reason was staring you straight in the face. Or rather looking at you with soft eyes like you meant the world to her.

“I have days like that, too.” She takes your hand and gingerly pulls you along as she starts walking again. “It might be because the school year’s almost over. It always feels a little melancholic.”

“I guess.”

“You wanna go to the mall after we get home? Let’s get some ice cream. My treat! It might help you feel better,” she offers sweetly.

At the sound of her kind words you let your guard down for the first time in a while and shed a tear in front of her.

“Mia…” She immediately stops and pulls you into her embrace.

How ironic that the girl who was putting you through so much pain was also the only one that could make you feel better.

“Mia, I love you. I’m here. You’re ok,” she says in a whisper, her hands rubbing your back.

Oh, the irony.

“Let’s just sit here for a while,” she gestures to a nearby bench. When you’re both seated she wraps her arm around your shoulder then leans her head against yours. Even through layers of padding you could feel her warmth. Even with your face in your hands you could smell her hair. It was comforting in the most bittersweet way.

“How was Korean today?” she asks, trying to lighten the mood.

“Same as always. I’m getting better, I guess.”

“역시,” she says, lifting her head back up to give you an encouraging smile. “I keep telling you, bro. You’re amazing.”

“No, you’re amazing, Min. Thank you…”

“Want another hug?”

You nod with a smile, knowing that it would still hurt.

“Hey, you do know why I wait for you outside, right?” She leans back against you.

“Cuz you’re insane,” you say, finally laughing a little.

“Don’t you remember? That’s where you were standing on your first day, looking completely lost.”

She wipes the last tears from your cheeks and laughs in return.

“It’s where I first met you.”

-

The chill of the winter air evaporates as you walk through the mall doors. It was full. Families enjoying the nascent hours of the weekend. Lovers making up for lost time. Then there was you. Pining for your best friend.

“You know, there’s something I’ve been wanting to buy for a while. Now that we’re here, we might as well get it.”

“Ice cream?”

“I mean, yeah, but apart from that.”

“What is it, then?”

“Something for us. Since next year is our last year and we’re almost at the end of this one, I wanted to get something special.”

“Ugh, stop being so cryptic, Min.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means…” You start laughing. “Just tell me what you want to buy!”

“I wanna get rings for us.”

And just like that, you’re not laughing anymore.

“Like, couple rings?”

“Yeah! I think it’ll be cute.”

Not everything that’s cute is good for you.

“You don’t seem too excited.” The way she frowns feels like a ton of bricks weighing down your chest. “I don’t wanna get them if you don’t want them.”

“I do want them, Min!”

That was a lie. You knew it wouldn’t be good for you. It would only make your delusions worse. But you couldn’t stand to see her unhappy. So you lie again.

“I was just worried they’d be too expensive.”

Her smile slowly returns. “Oh, don’t worry! I’ve been saving up for them.”

And your fake smile slowly fades. “Really? Minji… I…”

“Don’t act so surprised, bro. You keep pretending like we’re not best friends.”

God, if she only knew.

“I already looked up the store in advance. Just follow me.”

There was no place you wouldn’t follow her. Even if she was taking you straight to hell.

-

“These are cute! I can take this one and you take that one. Exchange our favorite colors. 어때?”

“I love them, Min.”

I love you.

“Alright, I’ll go pay for them. I’ll be right back!”

I really fucking love you.

You watch her as she practically skips all the way to the cashier. And on her way back you swear she’d never smiled more brightly before.

“I hope you really like it, Mimi,” she says as she hands you the blue ring that matched her white one.

There was no point trying to suppress your feelings now. You let yourself savor the moment as you put it on. In your mind you let yourself call her yours, even if she would never be. The ring was all you needed to play pretend.

“I do. It’s beautiful. Thank you so much, Min,” you say, smiling.

But you couldn’t meet her eyes. Instead you stare into those of the puppy on her top. You saw something of her in them. A puppy too innocent to know what she was doing to the girl she cared about the most. And you saw something of yourself, too. In the way its eyes seemed to be on the verge of tears.

At the ice cream shop she gets her usual chocolate and buys vanilla for you. You didn’t ever have to ask. She always knew what you wanted. Almost always.

“Thanks for helping me feel better today, Min. This really means a lot,” you say, weakly raising your fist to show her the ring around your finger.

Casual as ever, she winks and silently mouths, “사랑해.”

And you really did feel better. Or at least that’s what you wanted to believe. In between bites you catch her slipping her jacket off her shoulder. She knew how much it killed you. How much it made you want her. Or at least that’s what you wanted to believe. You wanted to believe that every single one of her actions was deliberate rather than oblivious. It hurt less to think she was just cruel. It hurt more knowing that wasn’t true.

You look down at your new ring as she finishes her ice cream with a smile.

[elly99]

us without me II: watermelon

A story series from the perspective of Mia (fem!Reader/OC) as she goes through her memories and recounts falling in love with her best friend in high school, Minji. She suffers in silence until she breaks and it all comes crashing down.

Part 2 of 7. Check here for more details. Reading previous parts for context is encouraged.

Home after the last day of school before summer break. She wanted to stay with you for a while before heading home herself.

“Isn’t it crazy? We just have one year left after this one. Then that’s it,” she declares, chocolate bar in hand.

“Yeah. It’s kinda scary, actually. I still have no idea what I’m doing with my life. At least you have some sort of plan.”

“Well, I don’t know when I’m gonna debut. Or if I even will. The plan’s not up to me.” She tosses you a chocolate bar of your own.

“Oh, come on. Of course you will,” you say, catching the sweet. “How many of these did you buy, bro?”

“Mmm, you know. Enough. Enough for the both of us.”

“Well, it’s mostly for you. You’re a ravenous bear when it comes to these.”

She temporarily drops her snack just to form bear ears with her hands and puts them over her head.

“Minji, what are you doing?”

“Just practicing.”

“Practicing what?”

“Being cute. Sometimes idols are asked to do this kinda thing, right?”

“Ughhh.” You stand up and turn your back to her. “I’m gonna get some water.”

As soon as you leave the room and close the door you curse under your breath and swing your fists in the air. Clearly she didn’t need any practice. It takes a minute for you to calm down. Then you head to the kitchen to pour a glass for her and yourself before returning to your room.

“Mia.”

“Minji,” you respond, still struggling to keep a straight face.

“You wanna go to Busan with us?”

“Who’s 'us'?”

“Me and my family. It might be the last big vacation we have all together for a while. I’m probably moving out next year and oppa’s starting his military service soon.”

“Then you should spend time with them! I don’t wanna get in the way.”

“But it wouldn’t be complete without you. I’ll miss you.”

You felt your chest constricting. She said those words often but the context was different this time. Summer was an opportunity to forget about school and everything related to it. An escape from daily routines. And you were her daily routine. You and school went hand in hand. So the thought of her still missing you outside of that bubble, wanting you to be a part of her own world, with her family - it hit you hard. It fed your delusion.

“Aren’t you sick of me yet? We see each other everyday. I’ll just remind you of school.”

“Quite the opposite, Mia. I’m tired of school and I want to spend more time with you without having it on my mind. I wanna be more than just friends-”

Your heart stopped.

“-at school, you know?”

Oh. Right.

“Like, sure, we’ve spent time together outside of school but we haven’t really gone on a big trip like this one. I’d love it if you came along. Please.”

She pouts and you reply quickly before she has a chance to do those bear ears again.

“Yeah. I get that. But still, this is your family time. I don’t wanna be a burden. Plus I’ll be super awkward.”

“You’ll be fine! You’ve spent lots of time at my place with them around. You know they all love you, right?”

“I don’t know…”

“They do. Trust me.”

In that moment something possesses you to ask, “What about you, Min? Do you love me?”

“Um, no. I’m inviting you for no reason.”

She tosses another chocolate bar at you.

“I haven’t even finished the first one.”

With that perfect smile of hers she asks, “Why do you think I’m already giving you a second one, Mimi?”

-

The house was huge. Four rooms with balconies that overlooked the beach. And you were sharing one with her.

“This still feels so weird, man. Are they paying extra just for me to be here?”

“We would’ve gotten four rooms anyway. Stop worrying about it, Mia. Everyone wants you to be here. Not just me. Ok?”

“Ok.”

She wanted you here. You already knew that. But in your head you made it more significant than it ever should have been.

“You wanna go get some snacks at the supermarket? We can finish unpacking later.”

“Sounds good.”

She grabs your hand and pulls you off the bed. You knew she was trying to reassure you that you weren’t a burden. And it was sweet, her taking your hand. But she had no idea what it did to you.

At the front door, her hand still tugging yours along, she calls out to her mom. “엄마! 바닷가좀 다녀올게!”

“어!” you hear from upstairs before the door shuts.

“Wait, beach? I thought we were getting snacks.”

“But we have to walk along the beach to get there, silly,” she says, leading you down the stairs to the sand.

“Right.”

“You know, you’re really smart but sometimes… bro…”

“Hey!” You start laughing. “You could’ve just told her we were going to the supermarket!”

“She doesn’t have to know we’ll be bringing watermelons home.”

“Huh? Watermelons plural? Is that your definition of a snack?”

“Yeah and you better help me carry them.”

But you were already struggling with the weight of her hand.

- 

“Hey, we should take some pictures here! It’s really pretty.” She finally lets go of your hand to take out her phone.

“I’m really bad at taking pictures.”

“No, you’re not!

“The pictures I take are only pretty because they have you in it.”

“에이. What’s with the flirting, Mia?”

“Sorry.”

Sorry.

“But you didn’t deny it.”

“No!” She laughs. “You do take nice pictures! With or without me.”

“Liar. Just say you think you’re pretty already.”

As her laugh fades into a subtle smile, she puts her fingers on the corners of her mouth and waits for you to take a picture that would be burned into your mind forever.

The sea the color of the sky, her hair the color of her eyes, her shirt the color of watermelon.

-

“제가 설거지를 할게요,” you offer as soon as everyone finishes their meal.

“도와줄게,” Minji quickly adds.

Her family, though initially hesitant about making their guest do the washing up, agrees and thanks you. They head to their respective rooms and wind down for the night.

“I always get shy speaking Korean around you.”

As you work at the pile in the sink she helps by bringing the rest of the dirty dishes from the table to you.

“Why? You’re really good, bro. You kept up with the conversation over dinner really well!”

“But I fumble too much and I sound so awkward.”

“Mia, it’s your third language! Give yourself some credit. And give me that sponge. It’s my turn.”

She takes it from your still soapy hands and the brief contact conjures images of doing this with her everyday in a place of your own. You rinse those thoughts away, as you do your hands, before they can overwhelm you.

“I’ll try.”

“You know what else you can try? Slicing those watermelons.”

“No way we can finish both, Min. Especially not after just having dinner.”

“Fine. Just one. And be careful with the knife.”

“Yes, mom.”

“I’m serious, bro!”

Why were you surprised that she cared so much about you? Maybe because sometimes she made your heart feel like the watermelon you just cut straight through.

-

The ocean breeze blows through your hair. In the distance you hear the soft, steady rhythm of the waves breaking on the shore.

“Hey, thanks for offering to do the dishes, by the way. I can tell they appreciated it.”

“Of course! It was the least I could do. They’ve been so kind to me.”

“That’s cuz they love you, like I said. They know what you mean to me.”

“And what do I mean to you, bro?” you ask in a playful tone to mask the desperation behind that question.

“Flirting again, huh?” She laughs and takes a bite before continuing. “You know watermelon is my favorite fruit, right?”

You nod, confused.

“Well, you’re the only person I don’t mind sharing it with.”

“Who’s the one flirting now?” you retort, on the verge of tears.

She doesn’t reply. Instead she takes a small piece of watermelon and feeds it to you. As if her words weren’t painful enough on their own.

“It’s on a night like this that I’d wanna just drive.” She takes one last bite and leaves the rest for you. “I promise when I get my driver’s license you’ll be the first one I’ll drive,” she says, still chewing.

“You already drive me crazy,” is what you would have said had you had something to drink. But the only thing you had to get high off was watermelon sugar. And the fantasy of being with her. “You promise?”

“Yeah!” she says a little louder than before as she stands up and rests her arms on the balcony railing.

“Where would we go?”

“Anywhere. Nowhere. Just drive.”

Silence as you both stare out into the distance. You imagine the car. Her hands on the wheel. Her indifference. Your longing as you watch her while she watches the road.

“Why me?” you ask quietly, getting up from your chair to stand next to her.

“What do you mean, Mimi?”

You let out a weak laugh in response.

“You’re being silly again. Who else would I take?”

You don’t want that question answered. You don’t want to imagine anyone else. Instead, you hold on to her words like forbidden fruit. You hold on to the delusion that she chose you for her first drive for the same reason you would choose her. There was comfort in the ambiguity of it all. And also so much pain. So you just smile and look up at the clouds. She does the same.

In your mind you see that picture again. The sea the color of the sky. Her eyes the color of the coming night. Her lips the color of the sunset - the color of watermelon.

You stayed shoulder to shoulder as you watched the stars come out. This close she was brighter than every one of them combined. And more beautiful. Still you wanted her even closer. But you knew she would never be close enough.

[elly99]

us without me I: chocolate

A story series from the perspective of Mia (fem!Reader/OC) as she goes through her memories and recounts falling in love with her best friend in high school, Minji. She suffers in silence until she breaks and it all comes crashing down.

Part 1 of 7. Check here for more details.

It was the way she called your name.

“Miaaa!”

The sound of her voice cuts through the silence of the morning.

It was the way she smiled whenever you looked at her.

“Hey, Min! Morning!”

You get up from your seat and into her outstretched arms. Her embrace was an oasis of warmth in the cold December air. You smiled, too. Just about.

You both liked to arrive at school a little early just so you could hang out before the crowds came in. It also provided a good opportunity to catch the sunrise. She took a picture of it everyday. The windows of the library offered the perfect view of the sky, so that’s where you always waited for her. And also because she loved books and they reminded you of her.

“Have you finished the math homework yet?” she asks as she pulls away from the hug.

“Yeah, it was easy,” you reply nonchalantly.

“Easy for you,” she says as she sits down on the couch you just got up from. “But not for me. Can you help me later at lunch?” She grabs your arm and pulls you into her.

“Sure,” you respond, yielding to her gentle tug and taking your spot beside her. “But we could just do it now. It’s really easy.”

“Oh, stop it, smartass. Not everyone is as good at everything as you are. Plus I’m still too sleepy to use my brain right now.”

She takes her phone out and yawns.

It was the way her hair smelled when she leaned her head on your shoulder.

She smelled like your shampoo. Because you used the same one. Or rather your shampoo smelled like her. As if she had claimed its scent for herself. And as she gets lost in her scrolling, you just sit there, staring out the window, her weight against your side, trying not to drown in it.

The bell rings as the full disk of the sun peeks over the horizon.

-

It was the way she fixed your hair only to play with it a minute later.

“Sorry I messed up your hair earlier. Didn’t mean to fall asleep on you,” she says, mindlessly stroking your soft waves.

“It’s whatever, bro.” But it wasn’t whatever. Her touch was killing you. “Also, stop fidgeting with it. You’re making it worse.”

“Sorry!” She laughs. You’re surprised to find yourself laughing along.

It was the way her voice sounded when she whispered silly things in your ear.

“부시밍.”

“Nah, that’s you, bro. I’ve seen your hair in the mornings.”

“Well, it works for both our names. Kinda. 부시밍밍.”

The teacher takes attendance, calling out Mia and Minji one after the other. Even on paper you were inseparable.

-

It was the way the collection of stickers inside your locker grew out of control.

“Bro. You do know at the end of the year I have to clean this up, right? Some of these look like they’ll be a pain to remove.”

“But they’re cute!”

“Not everything that’s cute is good for you.” You knew that all too well. “Plus you have it easy. All you get is confession letters in yours. You can just take them out.”

“Fine. I’ll help you clean it up. But you can’t stop me from adding more.”

“I’m not telling you my code next year.”

With all her stuff in her own locker she links arms with you and drags you along to the cafeteria.

“I’ll figure it out anyway.”

“Ugh. I’m not that predictable.”

“To me you are. I know you too well.”

But not well enough to know how you felt about her.

-

It was the way she would always get an extra serving of kimchi just for you.

“Eat faster. You still need to help me with math.”

“Don’t tell me what to do. I don’t need to help you. And I didn’t ask for this extra kimchi.”

“Girl, as if you didn’t want it. Look. You’re practically inhaling it.”

“Well, who told me to eat faster?”

She smirks. Your heart flutters. “So you do want to help me with math.”

You just look down at your empty plate and laugh.

“We can start by counting how many letters you got today.”

“Bro. You act like I get them all the time. I’ve only ever gotten, like, five.”

“That’s five more than me. All I get is a flood of stickers from the same annoying girl.”

“They’re cute!!!”

“Yes. But annoying.”

“You’re just jealous.”

She was right. You were jealous. Of their courage. Of their willingness to lay everything bare. To be at their most vulnerable. Nothing left to lose. But you were afraid of losing. Because she was everything.

“Nah. I just don’t like how it inflates your ego.”

“Ego???”

“Don’t act like you don’t know you’re pretty. Everybody knows it.”

“Not everybody.”

“Sure, Min.”

“Whatever, Mimi.”

She pretends to be annoyed with you. You pretend that her calling you that doesn’t rip your heart out.

“Were they all boys?”

She smirks again. “I won’t tell you.”

“Oh my god. They weren’t all boys!”

“I didn’t confirm anything!”

“That smirk definitely did.”

She chuckles a little. “Fine. There were a few girls.”

“A few??”

“Yeah. And I may have gotten more than five letters, too.”

“I knew it. What proportion were girls, Min?”

“I’m not telling!”

“This is part of your math lesson! What proportion, Minji?!”

At this point you were both laughing and being the loudest table in the cafeteria. She realizes and lowers her voice.

“I’m not telling you. Don’t wanna just expose their identities. But I will tell you that some of them were jealous of you.”

“Huh? It’s not like I’m dating you.”

You feel a sudden urge to cry, saying those words out loud. But now there’s only silence. Painful silence that seems to last far too long.

“Yeah, but nobody’s closer to me than you.”

A hint of tenderness in her voice. Then silence once more.

“Did you ever respond to any of them?”

She picks up her tray and prepares to leave, her tone casual once again.

“I did. I didn’t wanna be mean and completely ignore them. So I just told all of them that I wasn’t looking for anything right now.”

You pick up your own tray and follow slowly behind her as she waltzes away, oblivious to the way your chest was imploding. To the way your eyes were barely holding back tears.

You resume laughing, not fully understanding why.

-

It was the way she waited for you after class, holding out her hand, so you could walk home together.

"How was Korean, Mimi?”

“Eh, it was alright. I’m still really bad.”

“What do you mean? You’re amazing!”

“If I were amazing, I’d be in the same class as you.”

“Well, that’s for native speakers. Doesn’t mean you’re not amazing. You’re good at everything, bro.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Ugh. I’m not gonna argue with you about this.”

“I’m not arguing. Just stating facts. My Korean isn’t the best.”

“Not the best doesn’t mean you’re not really good, especially since it’s your third language. I keep telling you this.”

It was the way she seemed to glow like an angel in the afternoon sun.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Are you that bad at taking compliments? You look stunned.”

“Sorry, I… Yeah. Sorry.”

It was the way she was just so beautiful.

“You’re so silly, Mia.”

Hearing no response from you, she grips your hand a little tighter and pulls you closer, your shoulders briefly making contact.

“Thanks for the help with math, by the way. I think I can manage the rest myself.”

“It’s nothing, bro.”

“It’s not nothing. You’re just saying that cuz it’s easy for you. Cuz you’re amazing, like I said.”

You look down at the pavement as your cheeks turn the same shade as the clouds up in the sky, bright pink in the early winter sunset.

- 

It was the way she always bought chocolate just so she could share it with you.

“You’re stopping for chocolate again?”

“Yeah. And maybe some coffee.”

“Nah, bro, don’t get coffee. You won’t be able to sleep.”

“I’ll need it to survive the math homework.”

“No, you won’t. Chocolate is enough.”

“Fine. I’m getting you some, too.”

“You never give me a choice anyway.”

“You need more sweetness in your life. You always just eat kimchi.”

You needed a different kind of sweetness. But it wasn’t one she could buy. And it wasn’t one she would give.

-

It was the way you felt when she put her arms around you.

For all the torment she caused you, she made you feel safe. There was nothing better than her embrace. There was no sweeter sorrow.

“See you tomorrow! Say hi to your parents for me.”

“I will. Take care, Min.”

“You always say that. But I live just over there,” she says, pointing down the street.

“I know! Sorry that I care about you.” You frown.

She smiled in return. But at the end of the day, when the stars were out, it was always different. It wasn’t that playful, teasing smirk when she would poke fun. It wasn’t that smile after a good laugh. It wasn’t that smile when she greeted you in the morning. It was a pure, genuine smile, knowing you were her best friend.

It was the way you couldn’t picture life without her.

“Love you, too, bro.”

It was the way she loved you that made you fall for her. 

But it wasn’t the same way you loved her.

After dinner the chocolate left a bitter taste in your mouth.

[elly99]

i'm back <3

I never really left but I've been very preoccupied with a lot of things. Despite that, I still have been writing whenever I can and I think I'm finally ready to start publishing the new Minji series. It's going to be very different to anything I've done before. I'm not sure if most people will like it but if you like pain then I guess this one's for you. There will be seven parts in total; five are already done and the last two are in the works. I'll publish the first part tomorrow and maybe release them weekly? Just to give myself enough time to finish the others. And after that, I don't really know what I'll do. This might be the last series I'll write. We'll see!

But, hey! If you've stuck around with me for this long, how are you? I want to let you know that I appreciate you! September's not quite over yet but I hope you had a good month! And take care of your health! With the changing of the seasons it's easy to get sick. If you live in Korea, happy Chuseok! And wherever you are in the world, I hope you're happy <3

[elly99]

it's me again <3

Wow. This month has been pretty busy for me so I haven't been able to write as much. But! I'm glad I finally got the last part of Situations out. I honestly put a lot of pressure on myself to top In The Moonlight, which was one of the reasons it took so long to finish. In the end I don't even know if I succeeded and I think I'm okay with that. If I let my perfectionism win every time, I would never get anything done. I'm happy with it right now and I hope you enjoy it! The ideas behind the series mean a lot to me, so if Situations means something to you, then I couldn't be happier.

Now for the upcoming stuff. I still have two playlist ideas that should be finished in the next couple of weeks. And then there's the new Minji series I mentioned last month. I have a rough outline for it and I've already begun to write bits and pieces here and there. The vibes are...

Yeah. Like that. It's gonna be very sad. I don't know why I do this to myself but I'm enjoying writing it so far. I plan to finish all seven parts completely before publishing them on a schedule. But we'll see when it actually gets done because I'll still be very busy in the coming months.

But not busy enough to thank you all again for reading my stuff. It really means a lot and I'm always grateful. I hope September treats you well and you stay healthy and happy!

<3

[elly99]

And Everywhere All At Once

Part 3 of 3. Check here for more details.

In the midst of the crowds In the shapes in the clouds I don't see nobody but you Constellations of stars Murals on city walls I don't see nobody but you

Spend the summer of a lifetime with me Let me take you to the place of your dreams Tell me, do you feel the love?

A night in Seoul. The night you'd been talking about for so long. You were finally meeting again. You had so much to tell her, so much you wanted to ask, but above all, you just wanted to see her in person again. To see the way she shines in the moonlight, under the stars, like she did in Milan.

And then there it was. Her voice. Cutting through the drone of the city. As sweet as it was the first time you heard it.

"Hey!"

You turn around to see her running to you, arms outstretched. You smile the widest you'd ever smiled and run towards her, taking her into your arms, nearly lifting her up with how much you missed her.

"It's so good to see you," you say softly, tearing up. "I missed you a lot."

"I missed you, too!" she says as she pulls away. You see a sparkle in her eyes telling you she was tearing up as well. "How have you been?"

"I've been great! Been looking forward to tonight. Ever since we met actually."

She takes your hand and smiles. "Me, too."

You return the smile and ask, just like the first time, "Hey, will you go on a walk with me?"

She laughs softly before hugging you again. "I would love nothing more."

It was at a small park near her place where you'd met up. Secluded, nothing fancy, perfect for a cozy evening stroll. But really it didn't matter where you met up. All that mattered was that you did.

After the first few moments of excitement subside, a little awkwardness starts to fill the air. You can feel it in the way she holds your hand. Feel her hand subtly shifting in yours, feel her eyes darting from you to the sky to the ground.

"Oh, how have you been? Sorry, I forgot to ask. Got a little too excited seeing you again," you say, a hint of nervousness in your voice. "You've been so busy the past half year!"

"Wow, I can't believe it's been that long since we last saw each other. Six months." Her eyebrows furrow a little. "But yeah, I've been great! I mean, we've been texting a lot, so you'd know all about it."

"Yeah, I've been following all your stuff! I'm a real Bunny now, I guess. Congrats on Lollapalooza again, by the way! And on your Billboard #1! You guys are incredible."

"Aww, thanks! That means a lot! Yeah, I've been really happy with everything lately. I just feel so lucky and grateful and honored and happy and..." She looks to you and smiles. "Sorry."

"Hey, what are you sorry for?"

"I'm just getting too excited."

"It's no problem! You deserve to be excited! And happy! I know you've been working so hard. You're amazing, Hanni."

And just like that the awkwardness disappeared. She held your hand now with a certainty that wasn't there before. She looks deep into your eyes and whispers, "Thank you." She pauses, looking for something in your gaze, before continuing. "You know, I'm just really excited right now because I get to see you again. Time's flown by so fast and we've been talking almost everyday so it didn't really feel like that long since we last saw each other. But when we scheduled tonight I realized that it really has been six months. And I guess that made me realize just how much I've been missing you."

"I've missed you a lot, too. I remember we had a similar conversation when I got back after Milan. About missing people."

"Yeah, I remember that! I was really emotional that night," she says with a nostalgic smile. Then she looks up at the sky. "And here we are now, under the same stars."

"Here we are now, being stardust together."

That city in Italy was half the world away and half a year had passed since you first met but it still felt like the same night. Like just a continuation of that magical dream you shared. You remember exchanging the same knowing smiles. Knowing that there was something between you that went beyond what words could express. Being with her now felt just like it did back then. It felt right.

"Wanna sit here for a while?" you ask, pointing at a nearby bench under an old tree.

"Sounds good! Hey, tell me more about how you've been! How's uni? Is physics as cool as you were hoping?"

"Oh, yeah! It's been great! It's a lot of work but at least it's something I enjoy. How about you? What do you think you'd want to be studying?"

"Mmm, I'm really into movies these days! So probably film! I do like science, too, so maybe that could be an option as well."

"Right! I saw you asked for a ton of movie recommendations. Have you watched the new Spider-Verse, by the way?"

"Oh. My. Gosh. Yes! And I loved it. It was sooo good!"

"I know right? I think I was bawling for half the movie."

"Aww, really? Same, to be honest. What about it made you cry exactly, though?"

"I think... Just the characters resonated with me a lot. And the idea that love can be so strong that it transcends universes."

"That's a really sweet thought, actually."

She pauses to think about it and smiles. Then she wraps her arms around you, causing you to smile in return.

"What was that for?"

"I don't know. I just felt like it," she says as she pulls away from the hug. "It's just a funny thing, thinking about the multiverse. Like, how many versions of us are out there sitting on this bench right now?"

Assuming it was rhetorical, you don't reply. But you knew that if other universes did exist, there would be an infinite number of versions of you with her, everywhere, all at once. You content yourself with that thought as she continues.

"You know, this feels a lot like when we sat in front of the cathedral."

"Yeah! Though tonight feels a little more real somehow. Do you feel that, too?"

"I do. It just feels different not meeting by chance away from home. Milan really felt like a time out of time, if you know what I mean. Some kind of magic that's hard to describe."

"Yeah, I get that! But I still remember everything so clearly."

"Me, too. I'll never forget it. Meeting you that night, and honestly just talking to you since then has made me reconsider so many things."

"Same!"

"Like sonder. That's been on my mind ever since. It just makes me want to be kinder to everyone I meet. Like see that guy over there? We'll probably never see him again. Tonight's the only time our lives intersect and we'll never get to know what he's really like. But he probably has his own worries and difficulties and... knowing that... doesn't that make you just want to be a little kinder to everyone you meet?"

"Yeah, you know, often when I'm sitting in a park like this, I look at people and try really hard to imagine them as more than just a random passerby. I try to imagine what makes them happy or what difficulties they've been through. How deeply they’ve fallen in love or how much heartbreak they’ve experienced. It's like a compassion exercise."

"I like that. It's always nice sharing in other people's experiences. Sharing your life with someone." She pauses to look at you. "Thank you for sharing your time with me. I know I've said it so many times but, yeah. It makes me really happy."

"I could say the exact same thing to you," you say with a smile. "But back to the guy over there. Did you notice that he was carrying his groceries with him? It didn't seem like he was carrying a lot so there's a good chance he lives alone. And he was walking through the park. If I was carrying my groceries around I'd want to head straight home. I'm guessing he wants to be outside for a while because he has a lot on his mind."

"You're very perceptive about people! And imaginative."

"Well..."

"It's a cool skill to have!"

You smirk a little. "Sure, I'll admit it's cool. Because it got me to talk to you that night. I was sure there was something special about you. And I was right."

"I've thought about that often actually. What this year would have been like if you had never knocked on my door. I'm so glad that you did."

You pause to ponder the possibilities. What could have happened had you stayed silent. What would not have happened between you. You smile realizing how happy you were to be in a universe where you two had this connection.

"You know I was feeling really down that night. There was a lot on my mind."

She nods reassuringly. "I remember."

"One of those thoughts was... Well, I worried that I had felt everything I was ever gonna feel and experienced everything I was ever gonna experience, and from then on out I wasn't going to feel or experience anything new - just lesser repetitions of what I’d already felt. Because of how my life was at the time - moving around all the time. It just felt like a cycle."

"Yeah, I remember you said you felt like your life was just a series of snapshots. Slightly different each time but mostly repetitive. I totally understand that!"

"Exactly. But you happened. You broke that cycle. That night when I saw you I knew it was my chance to change things. To not be afraid of making new connections. To not be afraid of potential loss and just go for it. And you, Hanni..." You take her hand and pull it close to you. "You went above and beyond anything I could have ever expected. You've become my best friend since and the most important person in my life."

You see tears reappear in her eyes. "Aww, man, you're too sweet!"

"I caught myself thinking about it over and over and then I realized that I was just convincing myself that I was unlucky. That it was just the universe's fault for taking people away from me. That it was somehow my destiny. I never really thought about what I could do differently. Isn’t that interesting? Sometimes the past is just a story we tell ourselves and convince ourselves is true. But we can make the present different. And the future, too."

"Yeah, the past is a weird thing. Everyone remembers it slightly differently. And even the same person can remember it differently as time goes on. It's funny that a concrete event can evolve and change in our memories as time goes on."

"Right! Like if I think about our first night in Milan now... I don't know... I remember a lot of what we talked about but now it just feels like a warm afterglow. Like a soft light in my mind."

"That's a great way of putting it! I see that, too. Like the light of a small house in the distance."

A few minutes of silence sitting under the gentle shelter of the tree. You both get lost in your thoughts and enjoy the warmth of that afterglow. Then it hits you. Like an apple falling from a tree right onto Newton's head. You had one very important thing to ask her. But you knew you had to ease into it and asked a simpler question for the moment.

"What's your opinion on trees, Hanni?"

"Mmm, they're really pretty! And in the summer they give us shade. And apples! I love apples. So, yeah, I think they're pretty cool."

You realize that you love how excited she is about life. For the longest time you didn't feel the same, but here with her, just like in Milan, it was like you'd been born again. Like you were discovering the world for the first time.

"How about regrets? Do you have any?"

"That's a sudden change." You see her smile fade slightly and you instantly feel the urge to explain yourself.

"Sorry! I know that's a little heavy but I promise it's all connected. Ok, let me go first." You pause to find the right words. "I do have regrets. Remember how I told you that I've lost contact with so many old friends? How moving around all the time made me sad and anxious?"

"Of course I do."

"Yeah. Well, after Milan, after you," you smile and continue, "after we promised to make the most of that night, I never really stopped making the most of every day after that. You made me happy again in ways that I can't even describe. And so since then I've regretted not trying hard enough. Because relationships are not a one-way street. As much as people drifted away from me, I drifted away from them. Maybe if I tried harder to keep my connections, I wouldn't have lost so many. Maybe if I didn't give up so easily..."

She holds your hand.

"I also regret being unhappy with my life. And I know that being unhappy is normal. It's ok not to be ok. It's just I have so much, I've received so much love, I've experienced so much of the world and, though life may be difficult, I regret not appreciating everything that I have. You helped change that for me. Ever since I met you, I've appreciated every single moment of existence. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true..."

She holds on more tightly. Then responds.

"I have a regrets, too. Not big ones. But sometimes I wish I could do more for others. For our fans especially! They're all so sweet and I wish I could return all their love. So yeah, sometimes I think I could do better at many aspects of my job..."

"You? Being kinder to people? Impossible. You're already the kindest and sweetest person I know. And you being a better idol than you already are? Impossible as well."

"Thank you," she smiles gently. "You're the sweetest person I know! But yeah, sometimes I can't help but feel those things."

You pause for a moment.

"Thanks for sharing, Hanni. So the reason I'm asking all of this is because, sitting under this beautiful tree, I remembered some things I learned about trees a long time ago." You turn to look her in the eyes. "Hanni, we should be more like trees."

She smiles, almost as if she were about to laugh, before asking, "Why is that?"

"So imagine you're a tree. Imagine your regrets, your mistakes, your failures as scars on your skin, like tree carvings on the bark of a tree. Over time tree carvings don't fade or get any smaller as the tree grows, but they don't get any bigger either. So even if your scars don't fade, you as a person can grow and evolve and flourish and, in the end, make your scars a smaller part of yourself."

"I love that."

"And remember how I said I didn't want to give up so easily anymore? Well, you know what happens when trees don't give up so easily?"

"What?"

"Autumn."

"I love autumn! But what do you mean?"

"Red leaves in autumn are the trees giving their all before they succumb to the winter. The harder they fight, the more brilliant their colors become. So as trees we are the most colorful and bright when we don't give up."

Her smile grows to the point that her eyes light up. Or maybe it's the twinkle of the stars in her eyes as tears begin to form. She hugs you to hide her face.

"You're amazing, you know that?"

"So will you be a tree with me, Hanni?"

She releases you from her embrace and meets your eyes once again. "I'd love to."

With that conversation over, you knew you couldn't delay any longer.

"Speaking of trees, I'm thinking of a song right now. And I think it expresses pretty well the way I feel with you. Can I play it for you?"

"Of course!"

Look at me I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree And I feel like I'm clinging to a cloud I can't understand I get misty just holding your hand

Walk my way And a thousand violins begin to play Or it might be the sound of your hello that music I hear I get misty the moment you're near

Can't you see that you're leading me on? And it's just what I want you to do Don't you notice how hopelessly I'm lost That's why I'm following you

On my own When I wander through this wonderland alone Never knowing my right foot from my left, my hat from my glove I'm too misty and too much in love

Too misty and too much in love

And there it was. The right moment to ask her that question.

"Hanni, I gotta ask. How do you feel about... us? Cuz..." You steel yourself and take a deep breath. "I know I'm in love with you. I have been for a while now."

You look to her and see a stunned expression on her face. For obvious reasons. You feel doubt creep into your mind as to whether you made the right decision.

"Sorry, does that make me a freak? Am I crazy? I know we've only been texting and calling and this is only our second time meeting in person but I know I've never felt like this for anyone else before. And I know we have something special."

She quickly grabs your hand again and smiles at you reassuringly.

"No, no. I get it. You know I think love is... I think anybody that falls in love is a freak. It’s such a crazy, stupid, insane, but wonderful thing to do. It’s like socially acceptable insanity, isn't it?. Everybody knows it can go so wrong. You can get rejected, couples can break up. But people still confess. People still love."

"So... do you..."

She stops you before you can finish.

"But meeting you that night made me realize that we're all here only briefly. The time we have with the people we love is short, life can fly by so quickly. So in my time here, I want to allow myself joy and happiness. Even if it is crazy."

She pauses. Looks into your eyes again.

"So yeah, it's crazy, but I'm pretty sure I fell in love with you the night we met. And I've been happier than ever since."

"I..."

Seeing that you were at a loss for words, she hugs you. But with both of your confessions out on the table, her embrace felt that much warmer.

When she lets go, however, her expression betrays a hint of concern.

"But... I'm not sure if I can commit to a relationship just yet. You know how my job is..."

"Hanni, I understand completely! Don't worry," you say, giving her a reassuring smile.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course!"

"I'm just afraid we'll change as time goes on and you won't like me anymore or we'll have different responsibilities that keep us apart. Before we even have a chance to be together."

"I get scared of change, too. You know that about me more than most at this point. But that's just it. Everyone's changing. All the time. And it's exciting to see people grow and change and share in that. You're the one who taught me that."

You take her hand again.

"And yes it's always hard to truly know someone if we're always changing. It's hard for people to even know themselves. But like you said before, it's about the attempt. And I'm not afraid of trying anymore. Because I feel safe with you."

"There's no safer place than home," she says softly.

Your heart flutters. Indeed you were home with her.

"So you'll wait for me?"

"Always. I love you, Hanni."

"I love you, too."

And there it was. Those three words exchanged between the two of you for the first time.

In a whisper she asks, "Can I kiss you?"

You can only nod shyly in response. As she slowly leans in you close your eyes. First you feel her hand gently pulling you closer. Then it's her lips on yours. Through closed eyes you see all the stars in the night sky. And every sky across the multiverse.

No matter the form of existence, you would love her. In every universe and every timeline you would have fallen for her. No matter how long it would take, you would wait for her. Because her name was in your heart. And it was Hanni.

[elly99]

Hanni's Playlist

Same challenge as before: including lyrics from each of the songs in Hanni's playlist in a story.

You wake up from a nap to your phone ringing. It was pampam 🐰💕.

"Heeeyyy! I'm on the way home from the airport. How are you?"

"Hey, honey! I'm good! Been missing you a lot, though. How was your flight? And how was Spain?"

"Ugh, I missed you so much, too! Like a lot a lot. Spain was amazing and I had so much fun! But I'm glad to be home now. Can't wait to see you."

She hears you yawning.

"Oh, were you sleeping, baby? Did I wake you up?"

"Possibly..."

"I'm sorryyy! I should've texted you first or something."

You can't help but smile. She was being a sweetheart as always.

"It's no problem, babe. What is a problem, though, here I am waking up, but you're not here. Still can't sleep on your side."

"I know!" You can practically hear her pouting through the phone. "But I'm coming! I'll be there soon." Then with her voice lowered she says, "And I'm gonna need a cuddle buddy to get over this jet lag tonight."

Your smile widens just thinking about it. And it breaks into laughter when you hear the other four crying, "Ewww," through the phone in unison. You can hear her just laughing, too.

"Hey, Hanni?"

"Yeah?"

"I just want to let you know I'm proud and I admire what you do. You guys are amazing! I see posts about you everywhere, I hear your voice in the streets and the TV stations. It's crazy! I see you working hard and you're always such an inspiration to me!"

"Aww, man, you're too sweet! Thank you, baby! That means a lot to hear."

"I'll see you tonight, then? Tell me all about your trip?"

"It's a date."

"I love you, pampam."

"I love you, too! Actually, wait. Amor eres tú."

"What's that mean?"

"It means, 'you are love.' Cuz you're my love! Just some Spanish I learned for you while I was over there. Anyway, see you later!"

She puts down the phone before you can catch the others making a fuss again about her cheesiness. In the silence that follows you're left with her lasting warmth, but a hint of regret. In truth you'd been napping to escape your thoughts. There'd been something on your mind the entire week she was gone and you wish you'd brought it up. But then again, maybe it was better to leave it for when you could talk to her in person.

-

The doorbell rings once. Twice. Three times. You rush to open the door and before you can even register that she's in front of you she practically tackles you to give you the best hug you could remember.

"Oh my god, I missed you so much!" she growls into your chest. "My baby! Ugh, I love you! How have you been?"

You pull away and look into her eyes. "I've missed you, too. Been feeling kinda down without you. I love you so much, it hurts."

"Aww, but I'm here now, babe! Your pampam's home," she says with the smile that's melted the hearts of millions. But right now it was all just for you. What chance did your singular heart stand against that?

You talk on the sofa for hours, chatting about her trip and the filming of her music videos, getting lost in her eyes and the honey that was her voice. You almost forgot there was something you had to get off your chest.

"Baby?"

"Mmm?"

"You know how I said I've been feeling kinda down?"

Immediately worry flashes across her face. "Yeah?"

"Well, it's cuz while you were away, apart from missing you, I kept thinking about us. About you and how I... Ugh, I don't know how to say this right."

She takes your hand in hers, making sure you knew she was listening. The front of reassurance in her eyes barely masking her concern. "Take your time, angel."

"When we started dating..." In your mind the flood gates open, bursting with the thoughts you'd been keeping to yourself for so long. The dam breaks and tears start to form in your eyes.

She comes even closer, wipes the tears from your cheeks, and whispers, "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

You nod weakly and try to form coherent thoughts.

"When we started dating I knew it would be hard. Like, I know you were way too bright for me. You're a star. So obviously I knew our relationship would have to be..."

"Secret?"

"Yeah, like, there's always that fear of people finding out. We kinda have to live a lie and that really hurts. And it's also terrifying."

"I know..."

"But there's something about your love, Hanni. You really are an angel and you're the sweetest person I know and you make everything better. But sometimes it feels like you're an angel with a gun in your hand. Cuz whenever you leave it hurts. It hurts missing you all the time. And it hurts pretending. Lying to everyone about us. I feel like... I die every night with you, just knowing that the next day you'll leave and it'll be like we don't exist. So sometimes I'd like to make myself believe that Planet Earth turns slowly just so I have more time with you. That sounds super dramatic but..."

"Hey, I get it," she says before kissing you softly. "Whenever I leave or whenever we're apart I try not too think too much about it but I can't." She sighs deeply and looks at the ground. "Cuz I love you so much. And love is when you try to place it out your mind but you can't think of anyone else. So I always end up thinking of you... and, like you said, how it hurts to have to hide. And it scares me, too."

She takes another breath as if deep in thought, then she looks back at you with a distinct look of determination in her eyes.

"So let's just stop. Let's stop running from love. Let's stop running from us. I'll die every night with you, too. At least we'll be together."

"Hanni, no, we can't do that..."

"Baby, you know I'll be on your side. No matter what. We in this for love. We in this for life. So it doesn't matter what they say if they find out."

Though tempting, you had to remain rational. You knew she was just being impulsive to try and cheer you up.

"Babe, we shouldn't. Maybe in a few years. We can keep it secret until then."

She sighs again. "Ugh, you're right. But you know I'm always here for you, right? You'll always have my shoulder to cry on. You'll always have my arms to fall into."

But before you can even fall into them, she wraps them around you. And before you can even cry, she whispers "No matter what the future holds, it's you my heart beats for."

[elly99]

Minji's Playlist

Just a fun little challenge: include lyrics from each of the songs in Minji's playlist at least once in a story. Sorry if there's too much Korean. She chose a lot of Korean songs ><

"Your flight is tomorrow?!"

"Yeah, baby! I always send you my schedule in advance, silly."

"I know. It's just I... Time flies by so quickly. Thought I had more time with you. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too, sweetie." She kisses your cheek, comforting you in the way she knows you love. "I know I always come and go but it's out of my control. Most of the time. But you know I always make time to see you when I can, right?"

Yes, you did know. Because here she was, at your place, spending time with you the night before leaving for Japan.

"I do. And I really appreciate that. I know it's hard for you."

"But it's even harder being away from you," she says, taking your hand with a loving smile. "I know you don't wanna be alone, baby, and I wish I could be there for you. All the time. I hate not being together, too. So I'll always try my hardest to be with you when I can."

"You're too sweet, Min. What did I do to deserve you?"

"What do you mean, babe? I could ask you the same thing."

"No way. You're the goddess here. I'm just... me."

"Well, you," she says as she boops your nose, "you light up my world like nobody else. You don't know you're beautiful and it's so cute."

"Ugh, Minjiii!" you scream into your hands as they instinctively come up to cover your face.

She giggles at how her words leave you in shambles. "I don't why you're being shy."

"Cuz I'm really not like you, babe. You're just... out there. Inhumanly beautiful."

"Oh, stop it!"

"No, really! Like whenever I see you my heart just... 내 마음 말랑해, you know? I go crazy just looking at you cuz, like, your face, bro. 네 모습 아주 그냥 아찔해. For real."

"에이 무슨 소리야?" She quickly stands up. "Come here. Come and dance with me. I want my arms about you. I need to tell you something."

Doing as you're told, you get up and walk timidly into her arms. She wraps them around your neck.

"Ok. Do you know what I'm about to tell you?"

"No..."

"Well, actually, it's more like a reminder. I'm gonna remind you of how I confessed to you."

Immediately you blush at the memory. You try to look down but she catches your forehead with hers.

"I'm right here, baby. Look at me."

Eye contact with Kim Minji this close for this long was impossible. You shut your eyes, blushing like mad.

"Do you remember what I said when I confessed to you?"

"How could I forget?"

"I'll never forget it either. Because I'd been planning it for weeks. I had all the words I wanted to say laid out in my head but when I stood in front of you to tell you, I was a huge mess. I still remember it all now."

She pulls you back and forth. There was no music other than the soft shuffling of your feet and the steady rhythm of your breaths.

"In my head I was like, 'Ok. Today's the day. 얼마나 기다렸던 날. I'm finally doing this.' Then when I called your name and you looked at me with that smile, I was just speechless. I asked myself, '나 원래 말도 잘하고 그런데 왜 이런지?' Then I realized it was because that smile, your smile... I fell in love with it. With you. With how beautiful you are and how you always make me happy. So I finally told you, 'Hey. I know this is sudden but I just wanted to say... You give me butterflies, you know? 널 보면 하트가 튀어나와. And at night 잠에 들려고 잠에 들려 해도, 네 생각에 또 새벽 세 시. So, basically, you're on my mind all the time and I think I...'"

"I love you."

She smiles. "Yeah, that's what I said."

"And that's what I'm saying to you now, babe."

She pulls you in for a hug. "I love you so much." When she pulls away she looks back at you and says, "I need to go now but I'll only be gone for a few days, ok? I know I can't always be here but when you miss me remember that you have my heart. 너만 알 수 있는 내 마음을."

Then she kisses you, gentle and delicate, just like the first time she said those three words. "And whenever it gets hard, remember that I love you. Our love is never gonna let us down."

[elly99]

[elly99]

pho-ever

Hanni was in Chicago for Lollapalooza. Just over five years ago she sat next to you everyday at school. Hanni was a Gucci ambassador. But in one of her pictures you see her wearing the socks you got for her way back when.

You were surprised to say the very least. It had been quite a while since you'd stopped communicating regularly. Maybe the occasional birthday greeting or 'how are you' only for things to fizzle out after a few days. Though you missed how it used to be, when not a day went by where you weren't talking, you understood that your lives were very different now. But still you wonder why she would do this now after all this time.

Would it be worth asking her? You did miss her after all. Why not ask an old friend how she was doing? You had nothing better to do at 3 in the morning.

"hey hanni! just wanted to ask you how you've been doing. i know you're probably quite busy right now so no worries if you can't reply right away. chookas for tomorrow!!"

You were going to leave it there and try to get some sleep, but to your astonishment she replies almost immediately.

"heeeyyy!! thank you!! i'm doing great! just a little nervous for tomorrow but i know it'll be fun. it's so nice hearing from you again!! how have you been? i was thinking about you recently"

"oh really? cuz i saw you posted a picture with those socks"

"yeah man! i'm never gonna lose these!! they mean a lot to me"

That hit somewhere deep in your heart.

"really?"

"what do you mean really? don't act surprised!!"

"well i am! i mean we don't talk as much as we used to. and you haven't been back in melbourne for so long"

"doesn't mean i'd forget about one of my best friends!"

"you still consider me that?"

"of course! don't you?"

"pho-ever hahaha"

"pho-ever ❤️"

You take a minute to think about what to say next.

"hey hanni honestly the real reason i texted was because i've been missing you a lot recently. i went through high school and i'm in uni now but after you left i just never had another friend like you. nobody ever got me like you did. and i know we've changed and grown up a lot since then but i feel like you'd still get me. you've always been special to me. so yeah i've just been feeling a little lonely lately"

Instantly you regret sending something so heavy. And your worry only builds as the minutes go by without a reply. But she surprises you for the third time that night. Because she's calling.

"Hey, brooo! It's been so long! It's good to see you again!"

You'd seen so many photos and videos of her since she debuted but there was something so strange about seeing her like this on your screen. She was the perfect juxtaposition of dazzling stardom and warm, nostalgic familiarity. She was still the Hanni you loved from all those years ago but it felt like you were meeting her for the first time again.

"Sup, bro," you chuckle. "It's good seeing you, too! I wasn't expecting you to call. Sorry I look like a mess. It's 3 AM."

"Oh, yeah! It's really late for you! Well, I just wanted to call quickly to say that I miss you a lot, too. You know being here in Chicago has had me thinking a lot. Like, it's hard to believe that I've come so far and I'm really so grateful and honored."

"But you deserve it, Hanni! You've worked so hard to get where you are now. I'm so proud of you, by the way."

"Aw, thanks, man! But, yeah. Sometimes I find myself missing the simpler days. Everything's moving so fast now and sometimes I just wanna go back to the old days of just messing around at school. With you and all our old friends. That's why I wore those socks. Just to remind myself of where I came from. Of all the people that are so important to me."

You catch yourself tearing up at her words.

"Hey, Hanni, we didn't ever say 'I love you' to each other, did we? I don't think that's something we ever said to each other. I mean, kids don't really have a good grasp of that, right? But as I grew older and realized just how important you were to me, I was like, 'Yeah, I love this girl.' So, yeah. Just thought I should say that," you laugh nervously at your sudden confession.

"And I love you, too! I guess my way of saying that back then was sitting next to you everyday," she laughs with you, her radiant smile easing your nerves. "I know I haven't been able to visit in years and I'm really sorry about that! But I promise as soon as I'm able I'll come see you. I'm also sorry I haven't kept in touch as much recently but I hope you know I think about you a lot. I'm sure when we meet up again it'll be like nothing changed. We can go back to singing What Makes You Beautiful like there's no tomorrow."

"God, I miss that."

You make eye contact and you recognize her look just as she recognizes yours.

"BABY YOU LIGHT UP MY WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE!!!"

This time you laugh together and it really was as if nothing had changed.

"Speaking of what makes you beautiful, you should go get your beauty sleep. It's so late!"

"You're right. I should at least try to be a functioning human, right? But thanks so much for calling, Hanni. I really appreciate it. You're the best."

"Hey, no problem, man! I really missed hearing your voice. Reminds me of home."

You have no answer for her sweetness.

"And whenever you feel lonely, remember I'm always here, ok? Just text me any time! I'm always here for you. I'll do my best to send you my own updates from time to time as well."

"Alright, will do, bro. Have fun tomorrow! I know you're gonna devour it."

"I'll do my best!"

"You always do. See ya, Hanni!"

"Good night! Get lots of sleep, have sweet dreams and eat well tomorrow! Love yaaa!"

She was too good for the world.

After the call you smile to yourself in the dark. Deep down you knew that, no matter how much time passed or how much distance there was between the two of you, you both still had a piece of each other in your hearts. Since she left years ago she had gotten herself new jeans but she'd keep those old socks pho-ever.