elorabael

[elorabael]

🔮 🔥 💯 🤔 🥰 🤣 🔮

- the good wizard

[elorabael]

Everyone fucking ignores me and I'm so physically tired of it

[elorabael]

I want to tell people things and is have no one to FUCKING talk to.

No one who knows me enough is ever there, and everybody judges anyway. FUCK my one friend right now. But she judges me anyway so is that even real.

How do people find legit friends in this world.

I'm so anxious and fuck everybody

[elorabael]

My semi-peaceful view as I anxiously pass the time

[elorabael]

9/24/19 Tuesday

Mentioned: my girl, my ex, and X

So like. I have a topic I want to talk about today in therapy and I've been thinking about it a little bit and I'm not sure whether I'm fine now or if I need to still work on it for the next time it happens. Someone told me she needed space today (for herself, not related to us) and I took it weirdly at first. Outwardly I was fine about it, I was just like okay I hope it does you well. Which, looking back now, I'd like to have said something else, but that's just my life. But anyway, on the inside I guess I was triggered by the feeling I'd get with an ex, when she wanted to stop talking for three days, and it broke me a little bit that time back then because of what was going on; I had like major attachment issues and she was abusive so that sucked. And now, with this new person, we don't have abuse and major attachment going on (maybe minor attachment, just a bit,) but I still reacted a bit angrily inside. I put my angry screamy music on immediately after telling her that it's okay, and I coped that way. And then I put calm autumn music on and started to read my book (Misery by James Patterson) and I felt very calm.

But like another reason I reacted that way (more hurt than anger, on second thought) was because my best friend (X) is being distant and it's like she's not responding to anything I'm saying to her. And I have all this stuff I wanna share with her and she ignores me and sends a meme instead, disregarding my message. So I refrain from sharing with her. And I feel like I want to ignore her back, but I know she is going through a depression right now and she's probably trying her best. But she doesn't share her feelings with me about us so I wouldn't know, and I don't want to prod her and annoy her right now. My girl said I should give her space so I'm going to listen to that because I trust her and think she is smart. But yeah I felt these negative feelings because I want X to talk to me and all that.

I only talked consistently to two people and now they're being distant, which I do understand, I'm just trying to manage my own emotions so I don't whine to them or feel negatively towards them. Maybe it's a little selfish to want them all the time?? Or I just genuinely like talking to them. Not so much with X anymore because she's ignoring things I say. When she does that I don't understand what she's feeling and so I'm like, is it because of me??? Or her own shit and so I never truly know because she doesn't tell me and I feel bad asking. I guess I will give her space. And I'm totally giving my girl space because we are new to each other and I want to prove I can do it, and I want to respect her.

But yeah moral of the story, I need to manage myself because I know it will happen periodically and I need to be peaceful about it now and in the future. I was a whirlwind about this stuff in the past and now I just want to feel peace.

[elorabael]

Wednesday, August 28th, 2019

I feel like I've been maturing a whole lot lately and that feels amazing

[elorabael]

6/26/19 Wednesday

Everything is making me so anxiooouuusssss like the first bus didn't come and I had to wait for a while, making me possibly way later than I would like to be. I wanted to be early for my last group meeting :( I wanted to have my hair nice too and it's a bit frizzy. But anyway the bus didn't come on time, and now like my job SH is not contacting me on when and where the bus is going to be coming for me in the morning TOMORROW, and I might have to get a ride from M who I am angry with and not on good terms with. Everything is up in the air and making me anxious. My fucking therapist (he is new) is on vacation for two weeks and he left me waiting for a call with another doctor to take his place one week and she hasn't gotten in contact with me, and no one's times match up with mine so I want to change therapists because I can't take off of work every single WEEK or they dock my PAY and also it doesn't look good, and he isn't HERE so I can't FUCKING tell him and now I have to tell Matt or SOMEONE because I do not have a therapist yet again!!!!! And I won't be in group!!! They are just leaving me to fucking rot. Fuck the fucking health system sometimes. I can't just be left without help, I'm still newly out of inpatient so FUCK. YOU. I guess they just don't care if I killed myself because I was denied the help I need. Fuck all this I want out.

And I just had to run because the fucking first bus was late and the second was coming just as I was crossing the street and so now I am so thirsty and my throat is dry and my head hurts worse and I'm still out of breath and my legs burn and my feet hurt but whatever I guess I am on the bus so I likely won't be late.

[elorabael]

6/20/19 Thursday

THERE IS FUCKING NOTHING TO DO EVER. AND NOTHING TO DO ANYTHING WITH. EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO DO FUCKING SUCKS. EVERYONE SUCKS. I WANT TO ASPHYXIATE

[elorabael]

6/19/19 Wednesday

Mentioned: Matt, Nate, X

Today is dnd day. So I'm going to go play.

I feel like I cant function in regular society. I can't function at home either, but I'm talking about the general public place rn. I can't handle things like not getting what I want/need and people laughing at me and catcalls and people being rude. My instinct is to get upset and hyperventilate and curse under my breath and go into crisis mode, and I learned with Matt from group that if my emotion doesn't match the situation, as in, if it is something that's not objectively horrible and terrible and instead should have a more subdued, inconvenienced reaction, then I should use opposite action to counter that. Forinstance, if I am really upset and in crisis mode, and I am walking fast and cursing and yelling in my head and I have repetitive actions and thoughts, I should use the STOP skill and take a breath and try to proceed calmly, and then participate in group and not sulk and ruminate about it. Using opposite action when walking fast and cursing and freaking out is difficult, and I didn't do it. But I did opposite action when I got to group and decided to participate.

I also learned that when using the STOP skill, I can picture it as a clipboard in my face, as Nate exemplified with me (and I participated.) When in crisis, the clipboard is up in my face and blocking my vision of what is around me. If I stop, take a breath, and push the clipboard back and away from me, then I can see more of what is in front of me and I can see the person before me and I can have more context of my surroundings and maybe act accordingly.

I calmed myself down from the blind rage eventually when I went into the bathroom at group and tried activating the dive reflex by using TIPP, but I couldn't get the paper towel cold enough, but the water and towel on my face helped a bit. It was soothing. I used my accidental self-soothe kit by putting on chapstick and chewing minty gum and smelling and putting on some merlot lotion with my hands and trying to breathe slower. I took my G1 PRN with a few sips of water and put some water from the sink on my face and chest and refreshed my underarms with deodorant and stuff and squished my squishy bear/tiger thing I have in my bag. Coincidentally, I had put everything in place today, and that really helped to have a self-soothe kit for when I was freaking out.

I feel like I'm still in a crying mood and I'm hungry and burnt out already; I'm on the bus and going to go on three trains and the stress of filling my metro card is high. I am having trouble functioning in a normal life and a normal way. Everything upsetting is spinning me out.

I turned off notifications of X and it reminded me or when I did that to an ex and it made me cry a little. I hate my past and feel like I don't have a handle on myself--like I can't control myself. I wanted to fight and yell and scream and kick today. I stomped a little when I was walking really fast. I muttered curses under my breath the whole way after the second bus today. I hate the general public; people are so rude but in the moment I freeze up and don't do anything, then I am stuck just muttering to myself about it afterwards. I want to stand up for myself more. I wanna be like I am at home--on the defense and ready to act. I freeze up when bad things happen to me and then freak out after. I hate that.

I'm gonna try and be social and friendly at d&d, and maybe it will make me happy. I'm also getting chipotle, probably, which will be so great. That will soothe. I'm gonna try and have a good time. I just hope nobody laughs at me and ridicules me, or upsets me or catcalls me or sets me off. I just feel like I can't handle that :(

[elorabael]

6/18/19 Tuesday

Mentioned: Dr. E, Gm, M, K, N

I was ruminating and wanted to write another entry but I forgot what the immediate thought was. Sometimes I feel that is a dissociation kinda thing, like Dr. E was telling me, (he really thought I had some sort of dissociative disorder and I didn't believe him, but lately it makes a lot of sense) and idk either that or I am very forgetful.

I've also been ruminating about my grandma, who I will abbreviate to Gm. She is a horrible person, and I was ranting to M about it for a long car ride yesterday on my way to the eye doctor, and I'm really just done with her selfishness and meanness. She has done so much to upset me over the years, as well as insulting people in front of and behind their backs. She talks about my sister, my great grandma, my grandpa, myself, and others. She should be treating me like a grandchild, not someone to bitch to about everyone. It is highly innapropriate and disgusting. Through her bitching, she has managed to lead me to like my grandpa a whole lot less. And me being borderline, I unconsciously labeled him as "bad" and started talking to him way less, which upset him. She would say mean shit about my sister, about her nose and her anxiety and how she doesn't trust her to do things and just nasty things like that. I really hate when people in my family talk bad about others to me, because my brain just wants to label people as "good" and "bad" with no in between. So it makes me look down on my sister a bit, because she does happen to be childish (and also sometimes horrible, but this is another story), and the way my grandmother speaks about her doesn't help anything. It also makes me hate my grandmother more and more when she bitches like that.

I am aware that I do bitch about people from time to time, but mostly to my mother because she feels the same way. I am aware that my mother does not have this black and white mentality that i do, so it doesn't affect her exponentially the way it would affect me. I also sometimes ask her if it is okay to be speaking like this, and I do the same when I talk to other people about such matters, and she says yes, and that I need to get it out of my system. And Gm does not ask permission, so it is completely unsolicited as well as damaging to my mental health. She is aware that I have been in psychiatric hospitalization twice so far, and is aware I have been attending partial hospitalization as well as other services, so I do not understand why I am used as a confessional every time I converse with her. I am not a therapist, or a priest, or your friend. I am a grandchild, and she should be happy to see/talk to me rather than ruining my mood (black and white thinking--the conversation and my whole mood/aura is then labelled completely "bad") and ruining the moment with her negativity. She completely ruined my last in-person moments with my great grandma by complaining and bitching about her the second we left the door to go to the car. those could be my last moments with her in person, and now they are ruined by the disgusting person that is Gm.

The most insulting thing that made me completely stop talking to her and stop loving her, was what she said to me on the phone over a month ago. I was walking from group therapy to meet D at work, and I figured I'd call her because N was probably busy. I told her what I was up to, and how I had been in group for an hour, and had an almost three hour commute total, and details of that sort. I was a bit distracted, maybe a bit sad or dissociative, not quite as talkative as usual, and so she asked me what was wrong, or how I was. I said I was tired. That was a white lie, because I remember feeling another type of emotion as aforementioned, but I figured that "tired" would fare better than "sad." And then she hit my last nerve, after all these years of light abuse, of her calling me a bitch for having unregulated emotions, after her looking down on my sister and great grandmother, after her depressing remarks and pushing her "religion" on everybody (mostly me and K), after being selfish and greedy and hardly feeding us when we were at her house, after devastating every moment with her, it was the last straw.

"Oh, boo hoo, you only have to go to therapy for an hour. Poor you, that's all you have to do in the day."

Therapy is extremely necessary, as I fly off the handle far too often and feel incapable of functioning as a normal adult. Getting to therapy is actually hard work--taking multiple busses in the heat and being an anxious wreck over directions. It costs money to take the bus so many times a week back and forth. Socializing in therapy as well as learning skills and talking about my suicidal tendencies and ideations is kind of harrowing at times. I am constantly reminded of and talking about the reasons I want my life cut short and working through this and trying really hard to better myself while all my grandmother does is sit home and smoke pot. "Oh boo hoo, all you have to do is go to therapy for an hour, why are you tired."

All you do is sit at home being sad and smoking pot, complaining about your family members and friends to the vulnerable people who have to just sit, smile, and listen.

I am not calling her until I hear a sincere apology and see a change in her behavior, and even then the chances of me ever calling again are slim. I have stopped calling her completely, while I call her mother every other day. I am waiting to see if she is ever going to pick up the phone and reach out to her grandchild who she "loves so much" and "needs" and "hopes they don't turn out like their father." Guess what bitch, I'm about the same as him, drinking problem and all (which I have actually reconciled and slowed down to a snail's pace before I ended up in the hospital for that.

Not calling that witch of a woman.

I have to see her in two, maybe three months in person because I will be visiting with my great grandmother. I need Gm in order to be picked up from the airport and to be driven around, because N and P do not let me drive their car. I will not be happy to see Gm. I hope she grows up and stops being childish and realizes that she has done something to make me stop calling and caring, and calls me soon to reconcile. But I doubt that will happen. So I will have my dad call her to figure out plane tickets and plans, and I do not want to communicate with her unless necessary. Fuck her, fuck that, I am out. I no longer consider her a grandma; I consider her a weird great aunt that no one wants to be around.

I'm not even like done with this but I wanna be done typing so peace, peace, I am out for now.

[elorabael]

6/17/19 Monday

x

I tried tinder again because X has been talking about dates and fucking and relationships and stuff lately and it just makes me miss being in one. I also really wanna have a relationship that is actually good and not abusive. One that doesn't end with them cheating. It makes me sad because I crave that intimacy and affection:c I miss being in love with someone. But I'm also smart enough now to be aware of my tendency to become very anxious about people and my slightly obsessive actions. I can learn from past mistakes, and I will. I am just so ready :c I miss having a girlfriend to hold and love and kiss and smush. I miss being held too. I wanna be proud to be with someone. I just miss it so much.

[elorabael]

6/15/19 Saturday

Idk why I have the compulsion to tell certain people literally everything about my life. Like every single thing. I put some thought to it and it turns out that maybe it's because I'm more likely to remember it if I had typed it out to someone. It could also be a way of tracking progress, good and bad. Also it feels good to let it out. Hence why I am trying to write here rather than to my friend X, so that I can chill out on texting her and focus that venting energy here.

My head hurts so much, I almost get why people call it a "splitting" headache. Missed my morning med for I think the first time today, and i got bad brain zaps from it starting at around 9. I took my night meds around 9:20 or so, and within the half hour, they subsided pretty much. I still had a few later on but they are mostly gone. I had one thought the process of laying down in my bed, and that felt odd. In a way I thought they felt interesting physically, so I didn't mind so much as long as I got into bed and was able to lay down with it, because standing up with them is a little scary. But yeah I didn't mind this stuff until the fucking brutal headache came along. idk how I am gonna sleep now, I am so mentally and physically uncomfortable. I wanna go to sleep now so I can wake up early and take the morning med and then go back to sleep, hopefully without a headache. And I don't often get headaches so I feel unable to sleep rn. It is around midnight and I fucking wanna sleep.

Today was work orientation at HIB so that was good, I mean they didn't let me eat anything besides iceberg lettuce which sucked. I'm going to be calling R about that on Monday, hopefully they let me eat. It was a full day of not eating from 8:30am to 9pm, with physical and mental work in between... And iceberg lettuce and italian ice, because that's all they had for me. I had some sorbet after too, because that was all that was around for me after walking to M's job.

My head like really hurts and idk what to do about it. I don't like taking pain medication for a few reasons actually, but maybe I will cave tonight. It hurts, and i am tired, and I feel like I can't sleep.

Goodnight :c

Whoops, zaps happen full-blown again when I am standing up, fun.

[elorabael]

6/14/19

I'm so like, pissed off and grumpy and I have to share this here rather than bother my best friend about stuff like this constantly because I'm always venting to her.

Some fucking asshole bitch guy catcalled me from a car while I was walking the backroads to the bus stop from group therapy. I'm noticable, bright blue hair and crop top and all but that is no fucking excuse to HONK at me multiple times with your head out the window like a fucking dog while going "hey hey" like an idiot. Don't fucking catcall people. I flipped him off but I don't think he saw. My mood instantly dropped, and my whole demeanor changed.

Then some lady came up to me, loud and rude, encroaching on my personal space bubble (completely invading my tolerance for people close to me when I am in such a mood) asking incoherently, "What street is this?" I really couldn't understand her so I just asked her to clarify multiple times, stopping my podcast that I was paying attention to, and eventually looked up the map and told her what street it was. Then she like got even closer and was like "no no okay but I need the address, what is the address" and I fucking point to a sign that said it in huge letters and numbers after telling her a few times that I didn't know because we were at an intersection, not a building. And I don't have a huge concept of directions anyway so I hate when people ask me. AND she had a FUCKING phone likely capable of FUCKING google maps. Get a GRIP on the times and fucking google map it you fucking bitch. I don't even look that approachable, with a slayer shirt and multiple piercings and brightly colored hair like, get awaaay from me! And she didn't even thank me. That's the part that got me. My mood dropped even lower as I shouted in my mind "You're welcome, bitch!!!" Over and over. Fuck. Then, my podcast restarted, and wouldn't let me play it or go back to the spot I was at. So my mood dropped again.

Additionally, I had weird dreams this morning that I didn't enjoy; they made me so groggy and they were strange and embarassing. Mood-killer.

My metro card didn't have enough money so I had to add coins, and I didn't understand a fucking word of what the bus driver was telling me and I HATE miscommunication like that.

Fuck man, I just wanted to go home and enjoy an Italian ice :( The day began better than the last few suicidal days so I just wanted to be happy today.