elvagopit - Tumblr blog

[elvagopit]

– Audrey Hepburn

[elvagopit]

Luché demasiado para llegar a este lugar. Pasé noches cínicas, frías y bastardas. Una tras otra, recostado en mi cama mientras escuchaba lentamente el mundo apagarse, progresivamente sintiendo la mirada de la luna, acechando. Quieta, tímida, indiferente pero inequívocamente manifestando una considerable dosis de maldad. Maldad mala, maldad humana.

A veces hubiera preferido que la misma luna bajara conmigo. Tal vez así me hubiera sentido menos solo. La soledad era horrible. Insípida, gris, tenue. Una copia de la copia de un archivo dañado cuyo material oculto es perverso.

Me sentaba en mi cama. Drogado. Escuchando la calma de la noche convertiste en voces y murmullos de criaturas olvidadas por la humanidad. Seres creados por mi dañada mente psicótica.

Lo recuerdo todo, pero cada día estoy más seguro de que pronto no recordaré absolutamente nada. Y honestamente es un maldito alivio.

Luché mucho para llegar aquí. No es perfecto, ni es lo que esperaba. Honestamente tampoco es lo que quisiera. Me cuesta admitir que si pudiera cambiar mi vida por otra más emocionante, sin dudar lo haría.

Aún así, estoy en un lugar completamente diferente. Ya no más conversaciones con las voces que llegaban a mi cerebro dañado a través de la energía que mandaba la luna. No más noches eternas, no más psicosis.

Estar sobrio es terriblemente estúpido y aburrido...hasta que no lo es. Drogarse era la experiencia más trascendental que un humano puede experimentar...hasta que no lo es.

Luché demasiado para llegar aquí, y no creo que lo sepan. Así que me siento, en sobriedad. Escucho los sonidos y analizo la vida. Observo la vida y me fascina la idea de que todo es resultado de un proceso extremadamente complejo y lento de prueba y error. Entiendo que mi existencia está condenada por el comportamiento de los seres que dieron forma a mi actual caldo genético. Sólo otro animal que nació y morirá sin pena ni gloria.

Nadie me recordará, el mundo sienten la mayor indiferencia ante el sin sentido de mi experiencia. Tampoco acepto el cuento de cualquier inteligencia creadora, o dios, o lo que sea.

Mi vida es la experiencia más banal. La patética banalidad de estar vivo. Nada de esto tiene mayor importancia que la de la cucaracha que acabo de matar. No importo. No hay dios a quien rezar, ni demonio a quien temer.

Soy libre de hacer absolutamente lo que quiera. No existe biblia que condene y cualquier código moral podría ser roto. Las leyes existen por pura costumbre, pero podría romperlas si quisiera. Podría robar, matar, saquear. La cuestión es que, nada de eso me nace. Tampoco pretendo ser una persona buena, honestamente sólo quiero ser, y ya.

Actuó con bondad porque así decido hacerlo, y ya no pido nada a cambio. Soy libre, tanto para vivir como para morir. Mi vida es un evento sin sentido, nada de lo que hago importa y bien podría morir hoy y sería lo mismo a morir en 50 años.

Es irrelevante, pero es mío. Me pertenece, es todo lo que tengo. Soy todo lo que tengo y tengo todo lo que soy. Ni siquiera mi cuerpo me pertenece realmente. Es conjunto de explosiones bioquímicas en mi cerebro que generan una conciencia son algo sin importancia. No hay "yo", no hay nadie.

Aún así, es mío. Decido poseerlo, con cuidado. Aún así, aunque cambiaría mi vida por otra más emocionante sin dudarlo, mi vida es mía y de nadie más. Es todo lo que tengo, y está llena de pequeñas cosas. Es lo que me mantiene con vida. Hay gente que le teme a la muerte. Yo la llevo en mi bolsillo, me mantiene con vida.

Es mía, mi vida es solo mía. Mientras más me despojo de todo lo demás y me aferro únicamente a mi cuerpo y mi existencia, más amor siento por todo. Finalmente debería despojarme de mi mismo, pero eso puede ser otro día. Ahora prefiero existir. Igual, no queda de otra. ¿Que hay después de la muerte? No sé, pero espero que sea como apagar un interruptor. No sé si podría soportarlo otra vez.

[elvagopit]

[elvagopit]

“The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you’ve been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.”

— Unknown

[elvagopit]

Diarios - Alejandra Pizarnik

[elvagopit]

addiction is a chronic illness! addicts are disabled! anti-addict stigma is a form of ableism and sanism! the separation of addicts from disability is a lie sold to you to justify anti-addict ableism and separate us from our community and society! please remember addicts - and people with substance use disorders in general - when talking about disability, neurodivergence, and mental health!

[elvagopit]

The brain is an organ. Mental illnesses are illnesses of that organ. Brain scans show that there is a physical difference between a healthy brain and a sick brain. Telling someone “You’re not really sick. It’s all in your head.” is like telling someone with asthma “It’s not real, it’s all in your lungs.” The brain is an organ that can malfunction as much as any other organ.

[elvagopit]

Ahora estoy sentado aquí, bebiendo veneno para matar el dolor porque estoy psicótico.

Puedo ver la luna burlarse, respiro profundo. Hiperventilando. Ataques de pánico.

Veneno en mi cerebro, lo siento en ambos lados.

En 2 horas llevaré despierto 48 horas. La muerte me mira de reojo.

Le pregunto a ella, ¿Cuál es el sentido de existir?

No sé, pero veo la belleza en la vida a veces. Sí, no dejo de ver la belleza en la vida a veces.

[elvagopit]

Words but no emotion are what you left me with. Nothing will ever be the same since you came into my life. You turned my world upside down leaving me barely recognizable to my family. You've made me crazy, feel sole and impotent but behind all of that you made me feel more powerful because, in the end, I won, and you lost. I'm thankful for everything that you have taught me and put me through. You opened my eyes and that's when reality hit me and made me realize that the world is cruel and people are selfish. You took me down a dark and lonely road. I finally hit rock bottom that's what you wanted all along, wasn't it? Perhaps there was a time when I thought I could never live without you, you were always by my side comforting me while I cried and wanted to die. I begged you to just take my life but that day never came. You always made me feel okay at least for those first ten minutes of having you in me. Trying to catch my breath as you went slowly through my veins. You were always there when I had nobody but you were mainly the reason why I had nobody, to begin with. Deep down you knew this relationship we had was fucking unhealthy but we both knew you didn't care because you liked taking advantage of me, you wanted to destroy everything. You wanted to destroy every thought of me wanting you to go away and never come back. But I didn't let my demons win this time. Then I realized that you could only destroy something if I allowed you to so I'm sorry that I turned my back on you but this is my life, not yours. I've already missed out on so much and fucked up a lot. I am done allowing you to have control over my life. You will always be apart of me, in my head telling me I need you, always hovering over my head forever. I will always be reminded of you. But I won't be controlled or defined by you. My addiction.

[elvagopit]

Sobriety

Smoke, remedy, my only release

Time, loneliness, eating away my reprieve

the forest, withholding its peace

Will I ever be, capable?

To be clean and free,

And feel anything,

As I trudge through the leaves,

Will I ever walk amongst the trees?

free of suffering,

Or is this, what is meant to be

[elvagopit]

Addiction is like a ghost, the way it haunts you.

Even now, long after getting clean, I still get urges in moments of weakness. A soft whisper at the back of my mind that I can take it all away any time I want.

Being an ex-addict is knowing I'm always one bad day away from going down that slippery slope again.

[elvagopit]

I'd stand by someone struggling with addiction a million times even when they've only been sober for a month, or a day, or an hour, and when the cycle continues for years. You don't give up on people struggling. You don't judge people living a life you don't live. You have compassion. You sit with them through their pain and you don't say anything except they have worth, they have value and you listen to them.

[elvagopit]

Shirley Jackson, We Have Always Lived in the Castle Vincent van Gogh, Garden at Arles (1888)

[elvagopit]

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”

— Juliette Lewis

[elvagopit]

The older you get, the more you choose calm over chaos and distance over disrespect. Drama becomes intolerable to you, and your peace becomes your highest priority. You start surrounding yourself with people who are good for your mental health, heart, and soul.

[elvagopit]

Dear addiction,

You came into my life very quickly, and I liked it. You were fun to be with on the weekends, until the weekends weren’t enough anymore. So, eventually we danced, laughed, cried and intertwined with other lovers and different drugs during weekdays. You introduced me to a dizzy world, and a numb state. I loved not feeling anything but you, inhaling you, consuming you, embodying you- until eventually I gave you so much power that you embodied me.

You became dreadful, angry, mean, and malicious very quickly not long after that. You had me wrapped around your dirty finger, teaching me how to lie, cheat, and steal in a matter of moments. I missed the fun we had on the weekends, where it was dreamy, it was an experience, it was seemingly beautiful. But I just wasn’t doing enough for you anymore, so I left the comfort of my own bedroom and resorted to dirty mattresses on floors with lovers much too old for me, they served me pills on a silver platter. I was headed for dingy houses full of “friends” with blown out veins and rotting teeth. I was headed for my father’s dresser drawer to steal whatever money I could find, and for medicine cabinets that contained bottles that did not have my name on it. I was headed for a downward spiral. On weekends, you would take my hand and gently spin me around, but the spinning became faster, more aggressive and nauseating as the years went on. I still thought it was love, after all, you took me away from the pain that was in my soul. I couldn’t feel a thing after I crashed on the ground of rock bottom.

You came in and out of my life for years, and every single time I let you back in with open arms. You promised it would be different this time, that it wouldn’t hurt that bad ever again, but the devil will tell you nine truths so that you’ll believe one lie. You are pure evil, and you made me believe I was too, perhaps that’s why I always crawled back to you.

[elvagopit]

“Everything has changed and yet, I am more than I’ve ever been.”

— Iain Thomas; I Wrote This For You