elyyyyyyyy

[elyyyyyyyy]

as 2020 brought my rock bottom, being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. truly experiencing it first hand made a clear contrast of just learning about it on my psych classes. it was a long and hard year of struggling and coping, although many people may have seen me smiling and laughing, even winning in life as I had outstanding grades; 2020 was a real tough TOUGH year.

so i could never be more grateful for year 2021. it may not be the best but it has been a year of healing and recuperating. ive gain back control of my emotions and well being. ive met and caught up with my smol circles that ive been missing a lot, and even made new amazing friends. struggled but still doing fine in academics. 

although i lost a fav person by my side this year, i believe it was what’s best for us that time. there may have been several what if’s and what could have been’s, but i was more on the questions: what could be and what will be, in God’s right time. always weighing love and gratitude over regret and pain.

after being freed from the cruel symptoms of a faint mental health, may 2022 be a year of new doors. may i, along with everyone else, be confident to take on every opportunity and chance for growth and happiness. may it be a peaceful year of kindness and understanding; as others are still trying to heal and are yet to find again their excitement in life.

[elyyyyyyyy]

[elyyyyyyyy]

[elyyyyyyyy]

dreamt of you again. once again it felt so real, your smiles, your touch, your smell— you. we were very happy, tryna catch up but i still had to wake up with us not getting back together. i dont know, it's really sad, that even my dreams ends with us not back together. maybe thats why they felt so real, cause thats our reality. maybe i do still hope for you to come back, not just the little hope like what i always say but a big big hope. after all, i do still love you, not just from bits of before but tons of love; or even, all of it. you were part of my everyday, my decisions, happiness, grumpyness, hardships and love, until now, you are always a part of it.

"all the love in my stupid little heart is for you"

indeed.

[elyyyyyyyy]

[elyyyyyyyy]

all the love in my stupid little heart is for you

sadvibes_ig

[elyyyyyyyy]

love takes a lot of forms. one is the wonderful, fun, blissful, and warm image of love that we have all been longing for, but this labyrinthine love could also take the form of pain, sacrifice, selflessness, and even selfishness. it could also be in a form of giving space and distance— letting go. it may be hard to admit and i didn't wanted it to turn out this way but my love for you just had to take the form of letting you be and letting you go. it may be very difficult to love you from a distant, especially that i already  have known what it is like to be by your side, to be able to check up on you anytime, to share with you my pains and of course to celebrate our little wins together; but at least i could still love you in a distant right? now, i could love you in a way that won't tire you and me as well. i am loving you with no expectations and demands at all, finally freeing you from the box i enclosed you to. i may not be fully aware and i never intended to do so, but as i moved away from you, this distance cured the blindness i had. you may never admit that you got tired of me, maybe that's your love language, but i saw it all. how i'm always doing so much, doing everything, putting all the efforts while you got chained with the thought that you were doing so little, that you were not doing enough, and that you have to change for me to deserve you. and for all these i sincerely apologize. although i have long accepted that maybe we weren't really for each other, but i have and will always have this little bit of hope that this distance will heal our obscure hint of toxicity that we actually had. for us to get better, be better, be happier, and be healthier. by that time, maybe we could do it all over again, but way better the second time around as we have already better ourselves as well.

[elyyyyyyyy]

christmas blue

merry christmas my love, a line i'd never get sick of, the breeze of this season, could it be an enough reason?

to borrow your cold hand, and beside you i'd stand, to go get some coffee, like the first date with thee,

but i may be asking for too much then, i'm being too much again, so i'd settle with the distance, and just go with the circumstance.

i'd just utter it on the brightest star, so it'd be there wherever you are, hoping it could reach you, my love and warmest regards too.

[elyyyyyyyy]

5:05 am

again, another visit, again, felt real, a normal student day, a room filled, you were with the usual, i'm with mine, little glances, shy smiles, on my phone, a gif from you, dark with sun, and a " :(( " felt happy, really, first time, you reached out, first, but i woke up.

[elyyyyyyyy]

i dont know,

it's what id often here from you before,

your uncertainty from the pettiest thing of where to eat,

to the most serious matters of whether we should end us,

this that always gets into me,

honestly did upset and somehow disappointed me,

till i get used and learned to accept that maybe thats just you,

but,

on your parting message,

i could never forget how you said,

"i had dreams of us too for us,

and i was excited as well to be with you in your plans,

im sorry it would not happen."

first because i never knew you had dreams for us,

cause you always be the silent one,

enjoyed listening to me,

though i also wanted to listen too,

an insecurity that have always brought the questions,

do you still love me, really?

do you even see me later in your life?

so it really pierced knowing at our parting moment,

but more than that,

why,

why did you sound so certain that time?

the only moment i hoped for a littlest of your uncertainty,

just like before,

how sure are you that those dreams will not happen anymore?

cant you give it a slightest doubt?

i badly wanted to make it all happen,

still,

though,

it seems like youre really done.

[elyyyyyyyy]

to have what she had,

[elyyyyyyyy]

Paradoxical Love

[elyyyyyyyy]

me to you i wish there is a cup of me, that could give you warmth whenever it's cold and rainy, just like how you'd always have coffee, i hope you'd also want to have me. i wish im your fur friend, that could tickle and play with you not just on a weekend, just like how you'd pat miming in her head, and spare some time and attention you'd lend. i wish im one of your boys, that rather than being a noise, maybe you'd also enjoy my company, just like how they can make you visibly happy. i wish im your family, one who'd know you even if you dont spill any, one who'd witness how you grow continuously, and one who makes you feel home peacefully. but im just your girlfriend, who oversensitively picks fights that would extend, one who oftenly makes you sad and upset, one whom you'd probably regret. but also one who wants to keep trying. one who'd snap moments with you and miming. one who could hug you warmly while you sip your coffee. and one who would support you like your friends and family. though i cant be 'just' a girlfriend, but a lucky one instead, for having you who listen and understand, who stayed with me even when im offhand. so dear you, i thank you, i love you, my solace id always go to.

[elyyyyyyyy]

me in you

theres so many things i want to do, not just by myself but with you, from cooking and baking our cravings, to running errands and other hassle things. from the simple cleaning and fixing of some stuff, to facing hardships that would surely be rough. it may be agonizing or terrible, but i feel doing it with you would make it all bearable. i see you laughing with my family, while i see yours eating with me. i can hear my lola saying "darahon mo na ni saindo." and maybe your mama asking "nagkarakana kamo?" sometimes i imagine you telling your friends about us, and also us with my friends while they laugh and make a fuss. i visualize doing groceries and shopping with you, visiting and eating on places that we've wanted to go to. i can also picture us snuggle on a cold rainy morning, and even me hugging you when bad dreams keep me from sleeping, i can also imagine taking care of a sick or drunk §ol, or even us just taking a night stroll. i still dont know about you, but i hope you thought of these too. i keep on saying "okee sa future", but i hope i also exist on your future picture, often times i wonder if you think the same, although if not it would be a shame, cause youve always been part of what i do, so i hope theres also a part of me in you.

[elyyyyyyyy]

Our Weird Subjective Love

Love is a general thing known by everyone but really can’t be defined generally because it comes subjective to each one. Love is experienced differently by different individuals thus, perceived in various ways. For some, love is merely an emotion normally experienced by everyone. While some think it is something you gain, something you sweat to have. Others think it is a choice, while for some it is something out of your grasp. Love can be seen as all sunny and bright while it is drought and gloomy for some. I’ve known tons of meanings but what is it really for me? Could it be the way he pats my hair? The way he makes me laugh? Or could it be him? For me, he is love, my own weird subjective love.

[elyyyyyyyy]

INA

A crowd of hungry souls risking, ready to trample each one to finally touch her in this Penafrancia procession 2017. Despite all the distractions and noise, each gave there eyes to the queen. The miraculous lady, the mother of all, our Ina.

. photo from: www.photoawards.ph

[elyyyyyyyy]

God’s Time

The engine started in the midst of darkness. At first, I enjoyed the silence of the night and the cool breeze of wind coming from the open window that brushes against my face. Two hours and I fell asleep. I woke up when we had our first stop over and sleep never visited me again. So I just occupied myself of watching the sun rise, the big trucks and buses, and the parallel lines seen on the roads, electric lines, and trees alongside the road. .

I saw how my uncle on the driver’s seat flexes his arms and legs which reminded me that we’re travelling for almost 8 hours already.

“We are near.” I told myself. .

I find myself dazed on the open window, I know it is not anymore because of the scenery but because I’m thinking about her. I am going to see her in a short while.  I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to react. I want to have more time to think but we stopped. .

“Ah finally! Nakaabot naman.” My uncle said. .

Then I felt a warm dripping in my face. I am not yet ready, but I should be. I came all the way here to pick her up. We are going home and everything’s going back to normal. I quickly wiped my face, inhaled, exhaled, smiled, and got out the car.

. It felt so cold. This huge hospital is fully air-conditioned. The moment I stepped inside, I shivered. I wonder if it’s all because of the temperature or because of the thought of her.

. ROOM 2055. I am standing in front of a door that would be the last obstacle to see her. I opened. Machines, tubes, my aunt, my mom, my cousins and brothers, fruits, curtains, and many other things revealed before me but my eyes fixed on her. Thinner, paler, and weaker but she managed a welcome smile for me.

. “O ma uyan na baga ang paborito mong makuapo, tig paparahanap mo.” My mother said.

. I went to bless but she hugged me. I stopped whatever it is that’s forming in my eyes and brushed the serious mood with “Ay la sosyal ka gayon gayon na kang parasundo mo.” Everyone laughed including me. Everyone is teary-eyed including me.

. Stories of the different things that happened were shared. From the sosyalin doctors, the very caring and kind nurses, how lola managed to go through a 10-hour operation, how lola kept on calling for me, how they bumped on to many politicians to ask for help, how they are still struggling to complete the 2.5 million bill that was released, and how the doctor told them just a while ago that lola still can’t go home until we’re fully paid. I felt drained, I don’t know if it is because of the long drive or the fact that I am once again going home without her. I slept.

. “Ne uli na kita, gusto ko na mag-uli. Habo ko na igdi ne.” I woke up hearing the sobs and cries from everyone.  It is final that lola still can’t go home. I need to return immediately that morning because I still have classes the next day. The travel going back felt so heavy and draining.

. A week passed, I woke up finding my lola beside me. They just got home. But what really surprised me was that she was drove home by my father, who she despised so much. I found out that since my father is originally from manila, he was the one who had a lot of connections there which he used to make all the process and papers for lola’s admission and discharge easier. For almost 10 years, seeing my father was very difficult because I know it would hurt my lola if she knew. But now I’m seeing my father eating with me, my mom, my brothers, my lolo, and my lola. I almost cried. What I was seeing right in front of me is already a given up dream. Since the conflict has went for so long, I have accepted the situation already. This dream was already picked out of my daily prayers. That explains how overwhelmed my heart is that time.

. “Ricky, mapahatod na daa si Yvette ta late na.” My lola told my father. Now, my father lives with us. Every day, he is trying to fill up all those lost years, making up for his mistakes. My lola is now flexing about my father to her friends. 

. Going back, I think if lola was discharged and went home with me that time my father would not have to drive her home. Our present could have been totally different. Indeed, everything happens for a reason. I realized the importance of trusting the process and trusting God’s perfect time.