emailsicannotsend

[emailsicannotsend]

Task from ChatGPT #12

I'm writing to my older self. It's not gonna be much because my head is empty right now. That's actually not true. It's so full of things that are moving at their best speed while I succeed at catching 0 of them, precisely.

I want to thank my older self for being more brave than me during adversities that would've made me crumble right now. Thank you for not letting it completely change you. It sucks you were already ruined farther than that, but I let the slightest of things consume my head for years. I hate it. I wish I could stop it. You did it better, thank you for that, I would've been much worse today otherwise.

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Every Single Time

Drunken at 5am

Sneakily in his room with other people in the house probably doing the same thing

Back from the mall in an English blue dress and having been hit on by a stranger and called gorgeous

3am in a hotel room that shames me to think of

10:00am rush before his work in front of the mirror

Yesterday at noon, probably my favourite

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Regret #623

Wish I could’ve been more patient when you were struggling to understand how to find out the LCM of numbers. Wish I explained to you with the same niceness each time you asked. I was only 14, but you were only 10 too. Wish I didn’t lash out every time after the first and made myself available and inviting for you to come and ask me more questions.

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The irrevocable sexual tension between me and the idea of being unfathomably destroyed to outer worlds by a love affair with a guy who doesn’t like me but tells me he loves me >>>>>

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Dear Diary,

I fucked my cousin two minutes ago.

Bye.

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To-do list for today:

- Call the shots

- Call a taxi

- Call someone out

- Call it a day

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As fond as I am of the fictional masterpieces in my head, I’d like to sleep now, thank you.

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Girlfriend #1: What’s that on your neck? OH MY GOD THEY ARE HICKEYS

Girlfriend #2: Show me show me show me YES they are hickeys! What did you do last night?

Me: NO STOP. I was drunk and passed out soon after, I wasn’t with anyone. Not that I remember, anyway. I don’t think they’re hickeys.

I remember.

Girlfriend #1: It looks passionate and quick, so many teeth indentations and bite marks. They’re definitely hickeys.

Me, coyly: Who could it be?

Girlfriend #1: Him, who else?

Me: Whyyyy would you think it was him? *pretending in front of our company like I had no idea we’d been in an almost threesome with him*

Girlfriend #1: Because *shrugs*

—later that day—

Girlfriend #1: You dog.

Girlfriend #2: YOU DOG. I’ve been meaning to say that all day!! You DOG!

Me: *buries my face in my hands* You were supposed to take care of me and not let me drunk-jump anyone’s bones!

Girlfriend #1: I did! I brought you home and you disappeared after everyone slept. I did my part.

Me: But I still did my part.

*laughter erupts*

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The Visuals Are Vicious

Never wished for a 20/20 vision as much as I did tonight staring at the mirror while you fucked me raw. I’m sure my vivid imagination makes up for missing out on 70% of the picture quality, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to imagine because 75% is too much to lose, those times. My hair in your fist, holding my head up right so I could look, pulling me back by it so I could see how syncopated our bodies were, “Your pussy feels amazing”, pounding me to a feeling I cannot explain because of how new it is to me, I do not have the memory recollection ability or the words to jot down the details of my delicious reminiscence.

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Things I did this week:

Monday:

Up until 4:00am playing charades for my roommate’s birthday

Tuesday:

Drive to a temple after a half hour sleep, and living room couch afternoon activities in mind numbing silence and a G-String

Got a new year’s kiss an hour after midnight from somebody’s man

Wednesday:

Half a fuck at 8:30 in the morning with someone else in the bed. PS5 and card games until 2am

Thursday:

Beer and a quarter fuck against the kitchen counter

Beer and a solo party until 5am

Friday:

Screamed and smoked with a side of 5 beers and a band

Saturday:

Waited outside the door around 5am

Fully fucked for the first time in my life by 6am

Already made me feel cheap by midnight after giving me an after pill

Sunday:

Pizza but my brain’s fried from retrospection and figuring out how I feel, and if I should postpone the self-respect hit for after a possible second time.

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Him: It’s sad.

Me: I think it’s okay, I just couldn’t.

Him: Why didn’t you?

Me: I’ve always been insecure about my body.

Him: Where? That one place?

Me: Everywhere.

Him: You look hot, You’ve been distracting me, won’t let me fuck you, and you’re telling me you’re insecure about your body?

Me: Yes.

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Him: Where did you learn how to kiss? You seem to be enjoying it.

Me: Are you calling me a good kisser?

Him: Maybe.

Me: *kicking and screaming inside*

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How I feel right now is probably how teenagers and young people in general do for the majority of their time, but it’s so foreign to me. I don’t feel like sitting down here writing about it and making it poetic in my head, I’m waiting to go do it. If I’m not doing it, my time isn’t spent well. Is this for better or for worse? Either way, I hope it isn’t permanent.

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My thoughts around 08:30AM yesterday:

Something feels good somewhere but I can’t figure out where.

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I’m wearing only #his shirt right now that my ex-boyfriend gave me to wear an hour ago, then got into bed next to me and inched around my thighs secretly with his fingers under the sheets. There’s something poetic about all of this, right?