emberlynnrayne

[emberlynnrayne]

6-3-25

I'm engaged. 🥰

I know people will have opinions, but I am at peace with whatever folks might think. I know he's so good to me. I try to be so good to him, too. He's so different.

I didn't come here to announce my engagement but to reflect on something he did tonight. Something that just so starkly shows the difference between now and Before.

My ex husband used to threaten to call the cops on me if I wanted to go anywhere in the car when we were arguing. Cornerstore gas station, a friend or family member's, or just away. The vehicles were always in his name and he used that to trap and control me.

When C and I started talking about selling my car, I was incredibly apprehensive. It was only by having a car in my name that I was able to get out when I did. The only way I was able to stay afloat when I did get out. So they put my name on their car as an owner. They gave me equal rights to their car, (a car I very much love and enjoy driving. Definitely better than my civic. 😅) without hesitation. They made a second key and put it on my key ring.

It was important to them that I had the freedom to leave if I ever wanted to.

Now I have my MDX, C has the Mini, and we both have the Avalon.

I was struggling with what I recognized as unreasonable anxiety, and was sharing some of the brain battle with C. I said I was feeling claustrophobic because my car, (my daily driver,) was blocked in the driveway. C considered it for a moment before pointing to the Avalon.

"Your other car isn't. The Avalon is on the street. You can take it if you need to. You can still escape. You can drive the Mini, too. I know you're not confident in it yet, but you can if you need to."

With all the genuine understanding and love, he supported me in that moment so perfectly.

So yeah. I don't think I'd have said yes to anyone else in the world. But C has been so consistent, so kind, and so good to and for me.

We drove into a cloud on the side of a mountain, and they knelt on one knee in front of the twin waterfall that became one. We're not traditionalists, so I had a ring for them, too. Alexandrite and moonstone. Couldn't be more perfect. 🖤

[emberlynnrayne]

5-23-25

I did not appreciate my dreams last night.

Somehow I was in a position that Alex and I were moving back in together. I was still with Chris and he was still with Jessa, but we were moving back in together. I think there was an expectation on us that we'd try working through things, but I didnt want that. Then I was in the hospital after an accident and find out that Jessa is, also, and having their baby. Then I find out that it's meant to be coming with us?

I remember turning and crying about how much I didn't want any of this. There was so much more but the longer I'm awake the less I can remember.

I'm more alive today than I was yesterday, and that's not necessarily better. I'm restless and angry and I want to fight fights that I can't. I'm fucking stuck in every single one of these places, battles I can't actually fight. More goddamn pills to swallow. The selfish people are killing me.

[emberlynnrayne]

Am I walking myself right back into another emotional abandonment? I don't know what reasonable expectations should be in this scenario. I understand they're going through their own things. They're still trying, I think.

It's fine. I can't take that on right now.

Silence is compliance. Not picking sides is picking a side. Even Switzerland takes a stand on things.

I've seen what happens when I ask people I love to love me more than the person that hurt me.

They don't.

I don't matter and ultimately I will end up alone.

How am I not the problem if this keeps happening?

[emberlynnrayne]

5-22-25

The disconnect between my body and mind exists for a reason.

There are times that I could walk myself into traffic if my body obeyed my mind.

The body takes the brain and puts it into action. Makes it public. Makes it seen. Makes it real and gives it power.

My mind is a broken minefield. To take my body through that minefield would be ending.

And then. When my mind is sufficiently suffering, suffocating, buried in mud and blood and begging for mercy

My body can take over. She carries me through the motions. Keeps me alive until my mind can recover. Until I can find the strength to pick myself up, dust myself off, and take the next step.

When I am not okay, the disconnect keeps me safe.

They cannot be on the same page because sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes my mind wants to die.

[emberlynnrayne]

5-22-25

4:30am

I think

If it weren't for my daughter

I could just

Go for a walk in the woods

Lie down

And never walk back out.

I am so tired.

It feels so hopeless.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to be this anymore.

The rage that has fueled me is letting me down.

I am too tired. I have fought too long.

"Of course we want him here, too."

I see the nails on the table, hammers in hand, and I am looking at that coffin.

Pattern recognition and logic tell me what they're for and what will happen.

I feel like I've already lost.

What's the point

I have my daughter, and she needs me. I would never abandon her.

But if I didn't...

I don't think I'd come back out of the woods.

[emberlynnrayne]

5-20-25

I feel like there are battles waging all around me. Storms to weather in every corner. I see the silver linings in the clouds, but there are so. Many. Clouds. I am feeling battle worn and weary.

I know that it's a matter of perspective. I'm working on that. It doesn't all have to be a battle. Maybe just a storm to weather, or a pill to swallow.

I Believed in justice. I believed in my relationships. I believed in my place in the world. I believed that I could make it a good life if I did all the right things. I believed so hard and so deeply in Love and that the work I was doing Mattered. That it would turn out alright.

It is a hard crash to realize that there is no system. There is no karma. I haven't believed in any god for most of my life, but I always held this faith in a greater power looking out for the people trying to be Good.

Any faith I had in a power of greater good has been completely shattered.

I know that's probably hard to hear for a lot of folks, for a lot of reasons.

But I've chosen to relearn Faith. This one, however, is a very tactile relationship. I am starting at the basest of blocks. Watching. Waiting. I am practicing building fences instead of walls. And for the right people, I can choose to build gates. I am letting people show me who they are. I am believing actions, patterns, choices. For the people I have let close to me through those gates, I give faith.

I have only crumbs. I have so little. I cannot help but assume every relationship is temporary. I'm trying to separate that from the phrasing of "doomed." I assume people don't even think about me, much less genuinely care about me. I was recently proven very wrong in a way that honestly shook me foundationally. I was so surprised by what felt to me like an incredible act of kindness and compassion, care and acceptance. It was like a break in the clouds, and the sun felt so good. Something I didn't know my soul needed so deeply. It was a bright reminder of why I'm doing the work. Why I'm so deep in the mud. Why I keep walking.

There are Good people. I think I am a good person and I know I am not unique. I am not special. I am a normal, broken human like anyone else. And if I can be Good, so can they.

If I can Love, so can they. Not everyone will love me, and that's okay because I don't love everyone. Not every love is healthy, anyway. I worry about creating an echo chamber, but I know I will listen when I am spoken to. I will do the work if I have work to do. I will have to trust that I am choosing people that will be willing to have the hard conversations that growth requires.

I am not alone in my battles, because there are people worth having faith in, and I refuse to become another greedy, hollow shell in the world. I will do the work to be a person worth having a place in the life of other Good People. I will do the work to heal and be whole in myself, so that whatever else happens, I will at least have a good relationship with myself while I build the life and community that I crave in my core.

It's so strange, feeling so cynical while actively building some incredible relationships that I value so deeply. I am choosing to think with longevity. I am choosing to believe, and choosing to let them in.

I cannot express how much I value and appreciate the relationships I have. Fear runs deep in my bones, but these people bring air to my lungs. Strength to my body. They give me so much hope.

I try not to ask for much because I am so grateful for the bounty they already bring to my life.

This is what I'm working for. It's so slow. It's so painful. I am neurotic and paranoid. I am jumpy and always on the lookout for shadows. I keep expecting pain, and I don't know how to receive love.

I've seen enough of what I don't want. I might trust my gut too quickly. I am quick to cut and run. I will absolutely, entirely, and completely cut people out. I will protect myself better this time.

I am a mosaic. I have been shattered time and again, and time and again I have chosen to rebuild. I am sharp, full of wounding edges, shaped by trauma and held together by the concrete of my will.

Maybe time will soften me like waves. I could be a treasure of sea glass one day. I just have to keep holding myself together and doing the work in the meanwhile.

-----------

Im working on my cynicism by choosing to have faith in the people that show me they are safe to have faith in.

I'm a damn good judge of character, but I know I am struggling with cynicism. I'm still working on having faith in myself, so I watch. I let people show me who they are. Patterns become apparent. Just watch. Pay attention to the way they make you feel. Pay attention to their choices. To their actions. To their patterns. Believe those over any words.

Every tiny ounce of faith I have is based strictly in tactile evidence. I don't believe everyone is Good, or good for you. But I believe the good is out there.

It's so strange, feeling so cynical while actively building some incredible relationships that I value so deeply. I am choosing to think with longevity. I am choosing to believe, and choosing to let them in.

[emberlynnrayne]

5-13-25

Another flashback.

It was so early on. He stopped to get some bottled water. He was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I was trying to be a good copilot. When he asked for the water, I went ahead and opened it before holding it out to him. He didn't realize, and when he gripped it too tight, water spilled.

It was one of the first times he shouted at me.

I remember being so hurt in the beginning. I would cry when he would get so upset with me. I thought it was my fault or that it was justified for one reason or another. I don't remember ever considering it abuse. It took so many years before I realized that the way he treated me was just not okay. And the more I stood up for myself...

Fuck.

I'm never doing that again. How can I not be hyper aware??

[emberlynnrayne]

4-1-25

Oh yeah. It's April Fools day.

Maybe I'm the fool.

I don't know what to do.

I am so goddamn useless.

Are these the differences that break us? Is their continuation the beginning of our end?

Do I like what I see happening here?

Do you?

Is there somewhere I am falling short?

(see? I didn't say 'failing'. I'm making progress. Grey areas.)

Infantilising is right, I think. Maybe because you don't understand. I don't know.

Parts of me scream. cut and run. Cut and run.

That impulse isn't more powerful than the desire to work it out and see it through.

I have faith.

But this is evidence. Time will show us every ugly thing. Time is important. Live and breathe and love wholeheartedly, but time will bring everything to light eventually. They can say how good and beautiful I am all they want, but look at this. This isn't beautiful. This is my damage. This is my fear and rage and fighting instinct. This is the animal in the corner. None of the reasons why and none of the things she is when she's not backed into the corner change what she is when she is there. Violent, loud, panicked.

We disagree so deeply here. Or we're feeling very differently about it. It's causing problems. I'm so afraid.

[emberlynnrayne]

1-28/29-25

Healing is messy.

One of my biggest personal struggles has been with this profound fear of new relationships. It's this wild fear that every new person is going to hurt me somehow- even if it's not their fault. That I'm going to make some mistake and irreparably fuck things up. That everything good is going to come crashing down around me.

It's this intense paranoia that comes in waves. I still believe in good people, but I am suspicious and slow to trust. I am reserved and careful. I am utterly miserly with my vulnerability. I have panic attacks and these moments where I'm stuck in my seat, spiraling in my head, hating myself because ohmygodwhatthefuckiswrongwithme.

I love people, I am terrified of people, and I am terrified of loving people. I enjoy being social and I truly treasure the people I have been lucky enough to get to call my friend- but every step forward with every new person is wrought with behind the scenes moments of suffocating anxiety that makes me feel so crazy.

I am in therapy. So when I reach into my toolbox, I can see through the panic and work the cogs of logic to get my brain in order. Or, at least in part. See, I can see that there is no reason for panic. Doesn't stop it, though. So I'm there, panicking, knowing it's unreasonable, illogical, and the result of a trauma-trained limbic system. So I can see through it, but the threat still *feels* real.

I don't have the tools to know what to do next, yet. So right now when this happens, I might talk about it with a trusted person, but most of the time I have to just work the tools I have to get through each wave without turning into a hermit.

So I'm sitting here, unresolved and hating myself because these people are good people and they don't deserve my fear. They don't deserve my fear, and I deserve a life of healthy and fulfilling relationships.

I have felt the pain of so much loss, it haunts me. Nothing is new and I've lived this all before and I know how the story ends... Or how it could end. How it so often has.

But I am not the same person, and I have new tools now. I have better quality tools to build these new foundations with. I am better equipped to sort through what comes into my life, and I am more practiced in healthy boundaries and communication.

So ultimately, I keep stepping forward. I keep building on my friendships and making new ones. I am in therapy and I am working on Me.

------------

I feel like I'm giving life everything I've got right now, and it feels like it's not enough. It's never enough- to get caught up, to get comfortable, to create stability. Nothing is enough to feel peace. I am so desperate to feel some peace.

Sometimes I get so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of functioning. Tired of the work. Tired of myself. Feeling like I'm fighting the same fight over and over again.

Some days I wake up without spoons. Only knives. I wake up and I can feel my soul is tired. I am battle worn and weary. My heart and mind are tender; bruised and swollen. I am prickly and defensive and I want to push it all away. To hide away.

Ugh. I am so sick of myself. Maybe I'd like myself more if it were easier to live in my head. I wish I could just be. I want so badly to let go of this fear. I feel like I'm saying the same things time and again. Everything I say feels so cliche.

I feel like every moment of joy today is borrowing on a debt due tomorrow. I used to believe that joy was certain for my future. Now I understand the certainty of pain. Joy feels like the promise of pain.

I know that I can recover. I know that a life well lived is full of connections and growth. I know that I can get there. But right now, healing is messy and it fucking hurts sometimes. I'm doing my best.

I keep telling myself that I need to end this on a high note. Honestly, my high note right now is the understanding and acceptance that it won't always feel like this. I think maybe that's good enough.

[emberlynnrayne]

1-20-25

I mean. Ive never been the first choice. I've never been the favorite. I've never been the priority, the Always, the No Matter What. And those that promised I was that to them showed me how little that meant to them.

I am not the one that gets chosen.

Building regular friendships and relationships would be hard enough, but some of the ones I'm trying to build? Where I can trust my partner to share with them and still come back and choose me? I have to trust them as friends. I have to trust my partner as a partner. I have to trust that they'll both respect me and continue to choose me. A year ago I saw it go wrong and I was, once again, not chosen.

I don't want to do it again.

I tried to talk about this with partner, but I wasn't very clear. I didn't do a very good job explaining what I was trying to say. This led to partner telling me that sometimes they would chose other people to do things with. That's so valid and healthy and I fully support that and it's not what I mean.

When it matters, will you choose me? If I ask you to choose me, will you? Will I be your favorite, your priority, your number one? Will I have to ask? Will I have to beg? Will I have to watch you choose someone else when I really need you to choose me? Is the choice obvious to you? Do you have to consider if you'll choose me?

Do I trust my partner to choose me?

If I watch them choose someone else when I need them to choose me, will I be strong enough?

[emberlynnrayne]

1-20-15

Progress.

I keep telling myself about the progress I've made.

And it's true- I've come a long way.

But I'm still a caged animal. Both a dog and a bird.

How long will it take before I can be human again?

I am so suspicious and angry and defensive. I could pretend it's just with strangers and new people, but I know better. I'm still afraid of *every* relationship. I'm still watching and waiting and testing. How comfortable can I get? How real can I be? How much can I screw up, and still be met with a safe and healthy response? When will I become too much? How long until they're sick of me? How will they respond if/when each new thing happens?

It's not just them I'm testing and watching. It's myself. How will I respond to x, if x, when x. Why am I responding to x this way? Is it reasonable? Based in reality or cognitive distortion? Will I communicate the issue effectively? Will I be the best and healthiest person I can be in situation x?

Partner has been patient. I'm afraid I'm reaching the limits of their patience. They're such a naturally good people person and I'm... A caged animal. Seeing everything as a threat or risk. Singing as long as they don't get too close to the bars.

My morning family has pets. One is a German shepherd called Drake. He's aggressive, and will bite. He barks and lunges at me. They've had him to several trainers and the consensus is? He's afraid. His aggression is based in his fear. He is a good and gentle boy to his family, but everything else terrifies him.

I'm no better than this dog.

He doesn't know I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't know I'd let him bite me if it meant I got to give him scritches and love. He doesn't know that I'd never hurt him or his family. He can only see the threat I could pose.

I am no better than this dog.

I'm still putting myself in situations I'm not comfortable with because everything is uncomfortable. Nothing is safe. I'm skating on ice so thin, the spider silk latticework, diaphanous layer between me and another hole. Another loss. Another hurt.

It's been about a year since Jill and Justin happened. My best friend chosing the guy that wouldn't respect my boundaries, and then serving me with an ultimatum to allow him in not just my, but my daughters life? I loved her and trusted her and she just kept hurting me, and I just kept loving her. This is my pattern. Loving too much. Staying too long.

I don't trust others because I don't trust myself. I don't trust others because I don't trust that people can love me. I don't trust others because people can be selfish and hurtful. And the very worst ones are the ones you love and trust.

I know this isn't healthy. I'm working on it.

I say that a lot about a lot of me. I'm working on it. And it's true. But...

I'm still

Just

A caged animal.

[emberlynnrayne]

1-12-25

I know where my people phobia comes from.

I am terrified of other people's expectations of me, and of failing to meet them.

I am only just getting comfortable saying "no" and believing that it's okay.

Younger Kat didn't hold boundaries well and would make poor decisions. I don't trust today Kat to be better than younger Kat.

And I'm terrified

I won't be chosen

[emberlynnrayne]

12-20-24

I haven't had a relationship with my mom for two and a half years. I was struck with a memory of her last night. After she left my dad, she was lamenting the loss of identity, of her interests and her Wolves.

Wolves were my mom's whole thing growing up. Everything wolf. She had so much art of wolves. When she left my dad, her connection to wolves was gone and she didn't understand it.

I came across one of my Anne Stokes pictures in storage and felt a disconnect from it, triggering the memory. It's one of many things that don't feel like me anymore.

After ending a relationship over a decade long, I am not the same person. I am more limited than I used to be. I am cynical and reserved. I have had whole hearted this-is-forever love, and I have suffered the decay of that sugar in my blood.

( Ha. The irony of the metaphor doesn't escape me. I'm keeping it. )

I loved him with everything I had. I put my entire self into my marriage. I poured everything into that man and the love I felt for him. I truly gave it my all. Only one person currently active in my life can understand that part. The decay and hurt of Deep Love a decade plus gone, and the way it changes a person. "Failure" isn't a fair word for what happened, but that's what it feels like. Not only *my* failure, but both of us, our upbringings, the world around us, and almost even the fabric of reality. I was so certain for so long, and I was so wrong. A million reasons, a million excuses, a million choices.

It changed the way I feel things, and I'm still recovering and recalibrating. In some ways, I'm healthier than ever. In others, I am still small and hiding. I am slower, more cynical. Disillusioned.

This disillusionment leads to a level of (Nihilism, I think?) The lack of control feels like a natural segue into "Nothing actually matters and there is no grand purpose or power." Which is like. Cool. That means I can let go of a lot of stress and guilt and fear. Right? Yay. But also, that means my life really is up to me.

I am reaching what feels like a radical level of self acceptance because I understand that *All I will ever always have, no matter what, is myself.* No one else can even help me unless *I* choose to let myself be helped. It feels empowering and diminishing. I am only me. It is thrilling and terrifying. My life is my own. Breathless and exhilarating.

But something about the tsunami that was Leaving and Left, left me scooped out, buried, or just washed away. I can't Feel like I used to. I can't Express the way I used to. I can't have Faith like I used to. I take everything for what it is today, because tomorrow? All I can feel for tomorrows is "We'll see." There's a damper on everything I Feel. Hesitancy in fear. Feelings have consequences and my Deep Feelings had big consequences.

The only way I can protect myself and make my life as whole and happy as possible, is to get healthy. Learn to give myself Balance. Grace. Boundaries. I cannot isolate and suffocate myself and still be Happy. I want to be Happy. I deserve Happiness. The fire in me will drag me into tomorrow every single time I am on my knees begging life to stop. So if I must live, I will live happily.

Happy.

Partner makes me happy.

Ooooooh how itchy I get inside, expressing my love in writing and words. I see everything I wrote in love with my ex husband and I am disgusted with myself. I was so good at focusing on the good. It got me through so much of the bad. I was so goddamn stupid and useless. I would've judged the shit out of anyone else in my position, honestly. If anyone knew. How much did they know? How openly and earnestly I loved this person, the very same one isolating, threatening, and hurting me? How much of each side people might've seen... My stupidity on full display. I loved him wholeheartedly. I have written my heart out for each love- and each love has upped the ante of devastation in it's end.

I Love C. So much. I still get scared by how much I love them. Every surge of Feeling- so welcome, so raw, so Much. Love scares me now. I lost myself before. I walked through hell for Love. I am weak to love. Like an addict, willing to do anything to keep their high. I don't want to be like that again.

C loves me, too. And I really believe it's a Healthy Love. I don't think C would let me lose myself for them. C is so adamant that I continue to find and be Myself.

I want to write about the way I love C. Then my brain throws up memories about the vows I wrote to my ex husband. The vows I read in one of those times that I thought my love could mind the gap. The vows I read before finding out that he never wrote his. And he forgot the ring. That he hated the whole thing.

I do want to marry C. C is probably the only thing I have steady Faith in. When I think about the ways we could End, it's always my fault or my shortcomings.

I keep waiting for C to fall into the same patterns I've always known, but they don't!!! They just never do. C never yells at me, C never guilts me, C is never aggressive towards me, C never threatens me, never tries to control me, never tells me to shut up or that I'm too much. I enjoy being with C. I adore the way their mind works. Their humor, their laugh, their quips and facts and innuendos. The way they move. The way they smile. The way they think of me, talk with me, and listen to me. I love the way they Get Things Done. I love their practicality, their logic, and their emotional depth. They are considerate, supportive, engaging, kind, respectful, forgiving, understanding, thought-provoking, as mature as they can be ridiculous! Being near C makes me feel Safe and Secure. I trust C.

I will marry C. I will be (already am!) happy, in love, and loved. Actually... I think the future I share with C is the only thing I really enjoy thinking about, regarding Tomorrows.

One day, I'll be able to write about love in a beautiful way again, and I will write for Them. They Inspire me so much, and my voice will not always be lost. One day, my words will sing for my partner.

[emberlynnrayne]

12-18-24

I said everything I could.

I did everything I could.

I was doomed to fail, because there was nothing I could do alone to succeed.

Still.

What do I say now, that I haven't already said? What can I say that hasn't been said a thousand times? I am not unique. I have nothing special to offer. I am one ant in a park.

I loved before, with everything I had. I have survived every devastating pain. I have lived every extreme. I have watched people die and I have brought life into the world.

I am so bored of my own voice. All the thoughts swarming in this skull. It is so cliche. A dime a dozen. Blasé, or whatever.

[emberlynnrayne]

12-4-24

Everything is sooo gooooood. So why am I fighting a depressive spike?

I'm supposed to be taking a mental work break, but you know how much mental work has to happen to fight a depressive spike??!

I am so goddamn pathetic. I know healthy is talking about it, but fuck me it's too much. I'm too much.

I assume I'm too much. Too much work. Too much enthusiasm. Too much talking. Too much volume. Too much space. Too messy. Too much everything, just too much.

And WHY DO I KEEP GETTING PEOPLE-PHOBIA. Is it because I *want* to be a social butterfly? Because I'm codependent and terrified of other's perspectives of me? It makes me question everything.

I'm so sick and tired of freaking out.

I'm so goddamn sick of this internal war.

I stood on such a beautiful, fragile bubble of a sunny moment in my GED and divorce. I couldn't process everything I was feeling and I knew I was going to crumble. How could I not when these moments were so bright they burnt? Each success bringing to light all the cracks in the dead earth that led there? Shining on the pink skin of every scar. A war I've won, sure, but no war is without casualties- and a win doesn't wash away the blood in the dirt.

I hate it. I hate me for this. I want to be okay. I deserve to be okay. And realistically? I'm fucking GREAT. WHY IS MY HEAD SO DUMB AND LOUD.

I'm so sorry. You would say something loving and comforting right now. You have no idea what a cooling salve your voice is in my head. Such stark contrast to the voices before yours. There are a few cooling voices bringing light and comfort in the darkness these days, but yours is clearest and brightest.

They don't tell you how much the light hurts, too. It'll be a good hurt, in the long run. I'll be steady one day and I'll look back to today. I'll remember being so hurt, and I'll probably have a lot more empathy for today me than today me has for me right now. I'll be tanned and happy. Comfortable in the sun, with scars faded and soft.

I'm not stupid. I know this will pass and I will be okay. I know this is probably a textbook example of some diagnosis of my life.

Everything i say is cliche. I think that's why I can't write anymore. I have nothing new or special to say.

Anyway.

I'm okay, I'm done crying, and I'm getting back to it.

Thanks.

[emberlynnrayne]

11-20-24

1:09am

"Lit Myself on Fire" by Dina Rebecca

Friday is my divorce hearing.

Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Friday marks the last step.

I keep my mourning to myself.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand.

I don't want him back.

I don't regret leaving.

I just have so much pain. This was so much pain. This person and my relationship with this person was so much pain. It was pain and love and fear and hurt. It was as much love as it was anything else, for me.

Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I had to be utterly and completely broken to get that far.

I have so much hurt left in me.

Someone I loved so deeply

Changed so much

And hurt me so much.

So I'm crying in my bed at 1am while my partner sleeps beside me, because my divorce hearing is Friday and I'm afraid.

Afraid of him. Of his ability to sabotage this. Of myself. Will I be strong? Will I stand tall and speak with clarity and conviction? Will every shaking part of me hide away until it is over? I don't want to be vulnerable with him again. What will this bring forward in me? How will I react? How will I feel? I don't even know what to expect in the courtroom.

My friends want to love and support me.

Would any of them understand, if I shared this?

[emberlynnrayne]

11-16-24

No, we weren't all bad.

We started as young people very much in love.

But life is hard and we change as we grow.

We became something bad.

We were young, and we had no idea what we were doing.

We weren't healthy, and I know I had my part in that.

Still, I left because his behavior crossed my final boundaries.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks

I know I had to leave.

I accept my choices.

Not so much the absolute insanity of the following few months. I know what was happening to me, and I think I will find forgiveness for myself in time, but not yet.