emdotn - Tumblr blog

[emdotn]

When it comes to emotional health, i often put others before mine. I do this not only because of love but because I think I have been put through worse and I can get myself out of anything if I try hard enough. Sometimes, I have no hope for myself and I just break down because I am tired of being the strong one. 

Reasons I’m crying

I ran into my first love the other night. He was the only boy I have ever loved so deeply and genuinely even when I knew in my heart, I wanted to be with girls. He was the only exception. We didn’t exchange any words because I was too busy avoiding him, too busy trying not to be noticed by someone who I shared most of my teenage years with. Even after we ended things, we remained great friends. We always caught up to make sure the other was doing okay and that we were happy. Up until two years ago. We stopped being friends. The random texts stopped. The “happy birthday” wishes stopped. We simply stopped caring about each other. Each and every day since that night, I regret how childish I acted because I know he didn’t choose to stop talking to me purposely. It was my fault too. I stopped replying. I loved him but I was never in love with him the way I ever wanted to but he is someone who will always hold a special place in my heart. Every day since that day, I wanted to reach out to him but every time, I tell myself to be strong and that the best thing is for us to not be in each other lives anymore. 

She’s leaving me again. As much as I would hate to be away from her, I love that she is traveling the world and being able to do these things without her usual friends and family. What am I scared of the most? History repeating itself. Her coming back and deciding it’s me that she doesn’t want to be with... that it was someone else all along....again. 

[emdotn]

Note to self.

Remember how shitty and heart broken she left you. Never allow another female to treat you that way.

[emdotn]

I may not remember everything you say; I won’t always remember which movies you love, what brand you prefer over another, what you had for dinner last week, or what you said to me yesterday but I will always remember the way you curl up and fall asleep in my arms. I will always remember the way you nuzzle your nose into the inside of my arm as your way of kissing me. I will always remember the first time you grabbed my hand when we were driving in the car; the feeling of calmness that rushed over me. I will never forget the way you smell, how you always left a scent on my pillows or clothes. I will always remember the way you make my heart race, from the way you run your hands through my hair to the randomness of days when we unexpectedly run into each other in public when we are “trying to do our own thing with our friends.” After all this time, you still give me the butterflies. 

I still replay the moments in my head, over and over. When you told me that you chose me, that you wanted me to the moment that you said it was all a big mistake, that we weren’t supposed to get this far. You were confused and lost in your feelings and I wasn’t supposed to be here. So, I walked away. But you didn’t let me. You asked me to stay until you work it out with yourself but the truth is, we both know you never will. 

You are my heart, you are my home. i feel safe with you. I will not post about our love to social media or for the world to know. The amount of attention that could result from it would never amount to the love I possess for you. I do not want any other fish in the sea. You are not any ordinary fish. You are my whale. 

[emdotn]

Saddest part was realizing we could have made it work.. If you were truly in love with me, you would have fought for me.. But you didn’t.. And that just means, I loved you more than you loved me.

Joanna Adarna (via joxxx358)

[emdotn]

She is the reason my heart hurts everyday. She is the reason why I'll never learn to trust another human being. She is the reason I'm reluctant to give or my heart to anyone that deserve it. She's the reason I'm up at night contemplating if I made the right decision or not.

[emdotn]

Things are not the same but I'm holding on to every last trickle. Losing you as someone who was suppose to be "more than a friend" was the worst but losing you at all is my worst fear.

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Loving can hurt sometimes but it's the only thing that I know.

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Stay here and lay here right in my arms It's only a moment before you're gone And I’m keeping you warm Just act like you love me so I can go on Just one more night laying in bed Whether it's wrong or right Just gotta make sense of it And you'll be gone in the morning And you'll be over this Just one more night so I can forget

[emdotn]

I’m sure my heart will open up again someday but for now I’ll just sit here, silently missing you.

chasingsettingsuns (via wnq-writers)

[emdotn]

I can't sleep at night sometimes because I can still feel all the nights we slept together. How you'd roll over and kiss me when you thought I was asleep, or how you'd find a way to pry your legs between mine, or how you'd pull me in closer. I miss the way you breathe on my neck, how you breathe a little too loud but it was calm and soothing to me at the same time. I'd give anything to have those moments back.

[emdotn]

It’s funny how bad I want to be in a relationship but as soon as someone new expresses interest, I cut them off, and go back into my corner. Maybe all I ever really wanted was to be with you. You were the girl that made me feel comfortable enough to come out to my friends although you weren’t ever sure of your feelings or came out. I couldn’t deal with her good morning texts or her checking up on me because it wasn’t you. She wasn’t you. She didn’t make my heart flutter, she didn’t give me butterflies, she didn’t make my stomach ache when she took too long to reply, she didn’t make me rush to answer my phone. She was the one who reminded me that there are others out there, she was the one who tried relentlessly but couldn’t spark my interest. Instead, she scared me away because I wasn’t ready for the commitment for anyone else. You see, love, you have ruined me. Any hopes I had in the faith of relationships have vanished. Trust and honestly are foreign words and foreign feelings to me. My heart is incapable of trusting another human right now. It was my fault to believe you when you said you would take care of my heart but all you ever really need was beat it to the worst shape it has ever been. Though it hurts, I cannot put the full blame on you. I chose to love you, I chose to give you every piece of me by tearing down my walls, believing you were worth it. And in the end, you were worth every little bit but now I am hurt and solidarity is all I want. 

[emdotn]

There is something quite inviting about a vile poison you wonder will kill you or not. There is something enticing about danger and taking chances and playing with fire, hoping you don’t get burned. But we burn each other so deeply, it’s something that doesn’t even hurt anymore.

I want you to know a few things. I wanted us to work. I wanted us to come out on top, with hopes of telling everyone they were wrong about you. I wanted us to come out together of that vortex we each created sucking one another in and spitting each of us out. I wanted us to make it.

There is no denying love might be there, hidden beneath the ashes of the chaos we created. But I can’t keep waiting with false hope that we will make it out of this. I’m not one to ever give up on people. I know you know that is true about me. But I can’t keep letting you in and out of my life leaving me with questions of where we stand. We get along one second and are screaming at each other the next.

Regardless of all of this, I want you to know how much I do love you. I want you to know, had there been reason to believe we could make it, I would have stuck it out. But it’s an unhealthy cycle that needs to be stopped. I know I’ll get my fairytale, and it’s a tough pill to swallow it probably won’t be with you.

You can only hurt people so much before they are left with no other choice but to walk away.

So I’m walking away with a heavy heart, full of tears and saying goodbye to you. I need you to let me go this time. I need you to let me learn, how to grow without you. I need you to not chase me. Because I know I am not strong enough to not turn back around. So let me go.

[emdotn]

I went to message you today, because I fucking miss you. But then I remembered, that you are not mine to miss anymore. And I’m not sure how to deal with that.

Will you ever come back?- (via poemsforthebad)

[emdotn]

Like this picture, maybe my time with you is just suppose to be a blur, and that my life should be revolving and focusing on other things. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let you go. I feel the highest of highs and lowest of lows with you and I know that isn't right. I deserve better but the hopeful side of me still thinks everything will be worth it....but I know I'm wrong 😔 I'm sorry that I can't let you go but I'm trying. I'm just scared what will happen to me when you stop loving me.

[emdotn]

[emdotn]

"The best nights are the simplest. Red wine, nude lips, and a simple kiss."

[emdotn]

Letting you go was beautiful, yet tragic. My heart broke, but my mind settled knowing I wasn’t going to hurt forever because of you.

(via confessingsecr-ts)