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https://www.emergentrelationshipcenter.com/communication-mistakes/

Top 3 Communication Mistakes Couples Make and How to Connect Like a Runner.

Runners were responsible for carrying messages between fronts during the war. Since you and your partner are on the same team, I thought this was a good analogy. What you are really running between is two different ideas or two different ways of seeing things.

You don’t like to fight with your partner. Ultimately, you desire to work together and solve the conflict. In my work as a couple’s therapist and couples relationship coach, I see why many of my clients avoid talking to their significant other. They avoid communicating.

Many partners have found that their conversations quickly deteriorate and this makes them feel as if they are in combat with each other.

Each time you try to bring up something or start a discussion, it’s the same thing. You think you have found the best way to frame it and you are hoping to duck a bullet. You have high hopes. But by the third sentence, you can see by the look on your spouse’s face — that it’s gone south again. And you’re wondering what happened.

Here are the three common mistakes that can ruin effective communicating:

Mistake #1: You realize you have something to convey, but you don’t bring it up. You can’t communicate anything if you don’t open your mouth and say it. Some partners are afraid that their message will start a fight and that may have some truth to it. Partners who don’t know how to effectively negotiate often turn hostile or shut down. The same can be said for partners who are feeling afraid of speaking their mind in case it starts an argument with their significant other. Tension is a guarantee in every relationship. Healthy marriages are able to find ways to navigate the encounter. The only way to keep communication alive in a relationship is to keep trying and be truthful with your partner. Nothing good ever comes of hiding the way you feel.

Mistake #2: You express your point with judgement, criticism, or blame. No one wants to hear how they did something wrong or why it is their fault. Communication that is peppered with judgments and criticism tends to put people on the defensive. Even if you want to talk about something that you are critical of, your message is more likely to be received if it’s about you, the speaker, and not the other. For example, instead of saying, “You are always out running and never home” you might express the thoughts and feelings about the matter instead. You might say, “I feel really lonely and I don’t like being home alone so much.” The second message is more likely to turn into a healthy conversation- Albeit possibly a tough one. Instead of criticizing your partner, tell them how their actions make you feel.

Mistake #3: Bringing up your conversation at the wrong time. You wait until you are in a conflict to bring up an issue or you bring it up without checking for your partner’s readiness. Successful communication involves both a sender and a receiver. First, you need to check that you are expressing your thoughts in a manner that it can be well-received. If you are angry, it might be easier for you to say it, but the chances of it being heard are minimal. Instead, you will have better luck waiting for a moment when you are both calm and ask your partner if it’s a good time to talk about the issue.

The bottom line: I know you want to be able to communicate with your partner, but don’t let your desire to start the discussion lead to the above mistakes. Wanting to communicate is a great start!

Do you want to learn how to improve your relationship now? Learn more about marriage and couples relationship coaching.

Schedule today to book your coaching consultation call.

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Fighting All the Time? Here’s Why Your Arguments Aren’t Resolving Anything

How a Couples Therapy Intensive Can Stop the Cycle for Good

Are You Caught in the Same Fights Over and Over Again?

Do you and your partner argue about the same issues with no real resolution?

Does every disagreement escalate quickly or end with one of you shutting down?

Do you feel like you’re just spinning your wheels instead of actually solving the problem?

Why Traditional Couples Therapy Isn’t Fixing the Problem

Many couples come to us frustrated with past therapy experiences. When I ask them, “What were your goals?” they often pause — because they never really had one.

This is a major problem.

In traditional weekly marriage counseling or couples therapy, two things tend to happen:

Couples spend most of their sessions rehashing fights from the past week instead of making forward progress.

Therapists allow the couple to steer the session without a clear, structured goal, which means real change never happens.

Why Your Arguments Keep Repeating

Most fights aren’t really about the surface-level issue — they’re about deeper, unresolved emotions. You might be arguing about:

Who does more around the house, but underneath, it’s really about feeling unappreciated.

One of you wanting more affection, but it’s actually about feeling disconnected and unseen.

Disagreements over how to spend money, but the real issue is a lack of shared goals and trust.

How a Couples Therapy Intensive Actually Solves the Problem

Unlike weekly therapy, a Marriage Intensive or Couples Retreat doesn’t waste time rehashing last week’s fight. Instead, we focus on:

✅ Setting Clear, Autonomous Goals

Every couple needs a clear outcome for their relationship, or they’ll keep wandering in circles. We help you and your partner define what success looks like so you have something to work toward.

✅ Breaking the Cycle of Repetitive Conflict

We uncover what’s really causing disconnection and misunderstandings, so you stop having the same fight in different forms.

✅ Teaching You How to Communicate Effectively (Without Triggering Shutdowns)

Many couples don’t know how to ask for what they need. We teach you how to speak in a way that gets your partner to listen without defensiveness.

✅ Resolving, Not Just Managing, Conflict

Traditional therapy puts out fires. Our Intensives dig deep and create permanent change, so you leave with actionable tools to stop the cycle of hurt.

Why a Marriage Intensive Works Faster Than Weekly Therapy

A full-day or multi-day Marriage Counseling Intensive allows for deep, uninterrupted focus — something traditional couples therapy can’t provide. In just one day, you can:

✔ Identify and break toxic patterns that have been running your relationship for years.

✔ Have real conversations that lead to breakthroughs instead of more fights.

✔ Learn and practice communication strategies in real-time, so they actually stick.

✔ Leave with a clear, step-by-step plan for moving forward.

Instead of waiting months for change, you can start seeing shifts immediately.

Are You Ready to Stop the Cycle?

If you’re tired of having the same fights, feeling unheard, or watching resentment build, it’s time for a different approach.

Take the first step today: 📞 Call or Text to schedule your Intensive. 📅 Limited spots available — don’t wait.

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 Are you struggling with relationships, personal growth, or professional challenges? The Emergent Relationship Center provides expert coaching services to help you navigate life’s complexities with confidence and clarity.🌟 Why Choose Coaching?✔ Gain deeper self-awareness✔ Improve relationships and communication✔ Overcome personal and professional obstacles✔ Build emotional resilience and well-being🔹 How Our Coaching WorksOur experienced coaches offer personalized guidance to help you break limiting beliefs and develop practical strategies for success. Whether you're facing relationship struggles, career transitions, or personal development challenges, we provide tailored solutions that empower you.🔗 Start Your Journey Today!Visit Emergent Relationship Center Coaching to book a session and unlock your true potential.#LifeCoaching #RelationshipCoaching #PersonalGrowth #SelfImprovement #MindsetShift #CoachingServices #TransformYourLife

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Have you ever felt like your partner makes an effort to change — maybe they promise to communicate better, help out more, or be more present — but after a few days or weeks, they slip right back into old habits?

If you’ve ever thought, Why does my partner keep backsliding? Why do we keep having the same arguments? — you’re not alone.

This cycle happens for a reason, and if you don’t understand why it happens, you’ll keep repeating the same frustrations, feeling unheard, and wondering if things will ever really change.

The truth? Lasting change isn’t just about making a different choice — it’s about shifting the entire way you and your partner interact.

Why Some Changes Stick and Others Don’t

Most of us assume that if someone wants to change, they just will — as if love, awareness, or motivation should be enough to make them follow through.

But not all change is the same.

Behavioral Change vs. Developmental Change

Some changes are simple. If your partner never thought about something before, but now they’re aware, they might adjust quickly.

This is called behavioral change — a quick fix that’s as easy as deciding to make a different choice.

Examples of Behavioral Change:

✔️ Starting to wear your seatbelt. ✔️ Saying “thank you” more often after realizing you appreciate it. ✔️ Closing the kitchen cabinets instead of leaving them open.

These don’t require deep emotional work — once they understand it matters, they can implement it right away.

But what about the changes that never seem to last — like: ❌ Opening up instead of shutting down. ❌ Taking responsibility for household tasks without constant reminders. ❌ Following through on commitments instead of saying, “I’ll do it later.”

These seem like behavioral changes, but they actually require developmental change — a deeper shift in how someone relates to responsibility, emotional connection, or stress.

Why Developmental Change Is So Hard

If your partner struggles with follow-through, it’s likely because:

➡️ They haven’t built the habit of taking responsibility consistently. ➡️ When they’re stressed or distracted, their default mode kicks in — which means they forget, avoid, or shut down. ➡️ They don’t fully see it as their responsibility the way you do.

And let’s be real — how many times have you decided to do something differently, but when life got stressful, you went right back to old habits?

This happens because developmental change isn’t just about knowing what to do — it’s about being able to do it under stress, over time, until it becomes second nature.

How to Actually Get Lasting Change (Without Nagging or Resentment)

If your partner keeps slipping back into old habits, here’s what you can do:

Step 1: Change How You Respond (Set a Boundary Instead of Overfunctioning)

Most people try to fix this by reminding, nagging, or getting frustrated — then, when nothing changes, they just do it themselves.

But every time you step in and fix it, you send the message: You don’t actually have to change, because I’ll handle it.

Instead, you need to set a boundary that is about you — not about controlling them.

🔹 “I want to be in a relationship where household responsibilities feel balanced, and I don’t want to take on more than my fair share.”

🔹 “I’ve realized that when I keep stepping in, I feel resentful, and I don’t want that in our relationship. So I’m choosing to let go of managing this.”

This isn’t a demand — it’s a clear statement of what you need for yourself.

By framing it this way, you’re not saying “You have to change” — you’re saying “This is what I want in order to feel good in this relationship.”

Step 2: Expect Resistance (But Don’t Let It Throw You Off)

The first time you hold a boundary, your partner will push back.

They might:

Ignore the dishes (hoping you’ll give in).

Complain or make excuses (“I forgot, I was busy, why do you care so much?”).

Do them, but with an attitude (cue dramatic sighing and aggressive plate stacking).

This doesn’t mean the boundary isn’t working — it means the system is shifting, and they’re testing it.

Your job? Hold steady.

✅ “I hear you, but I’m still not doing them.” ✅ “I trust you’ll handle it.”

If you start arguing, blaming, or emotionally reacting, the focus shifts from the boundary to the fight.

Step 3: Self-Soothe Instead of Taking Over

Here’s the hard part: If you’re used to managing everything, letting go will feel uncomfortable.

Your brain will scream, I can’t stand looking at the mess! You’ll want to remind them, nudge them, or just do it yourself.

But every time you take over, you reinforce the old dynamic.

So what do you do instead?

🔹 Walk away — literally remove yourself from the situation. 🔹 Remind yourself, This discomfort is part of the process. 🔹 Redirect your energy — go for a walk, read, or call a friend.

The goal isn’t clean dishes — the goal is a lasting shift in responsibility.

Step 4: What If They Never Step Up?

Here’s something important: This process works best when your partner values the relationship enough to adjust — even if they never explicitly agree to change at first.

If your partner cares about fairness and connection, they’ll feel the shift and eventually step up. But if they: ❌ Have zero interest in changing, ❌ Don’t care about how their inaction affects you, ❌ Or fundamentally believe it’s not their job to contribute…

Then this boundary will reveal that.

At that point, you have a different decision to make. Because you can’t force someone to care — but you can decide what you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship.

And sometimes, that’s the real work — not changing them, but getting clear on your own limits.

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Many couples wonder whether seeking therapy is a sign of failure or weakness in their relationship. In reality, it’s quite the opposite—couples therapy is one of the healthiest steps partners can take when they encounter challenges. Therapy provides a supportive environment to explore issues, improve communication, and strengthen the bond between partners. In this blog, we’ll highlight why going to therapy is a positive and proactive choice for any relationship.

If you’re curious about the most common challenges that couples bring to therapy, check out our previous blog on What is the Most Common Problem Couples Bring to Therapy? to gain deeper insight into why many couples seek help.

Why Going to Couples Therapy Is a Healthy Choice

Couples therapy isn’t just for relationships in crisis—it’s a valuable tool for any couple who wants to grow closer, improve communication, or resolve long-standing conflicts. Here are a few reasons why going to therapy is healthy and beneficial:

Improved Communication Skills Many couples struggle to express their feelings openly, leading to misunderstandings and frustration. Therapy teaches effective communication techniques, such as active listening and expressing needs without blame. These skills can be applied not only in the relationship but in all areas of life, enhancing overall well-being.

Strengthened Emotional Connection Over time, partners may feel emotionally distant due to life’s demands, personal stress, or unresolved issues. Therapy helps couples reconnect by addressing the root causes of emotional disconnection, fostering a deeper understanding of each other’s feelings, and rebuilding intimacy.

Conflict Resolution in a Safe Space Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but it’s how couples handle conflict that determines their long-term success. Therapy provides a neutral environment where both partners can express their concerns without judgment, and the therapist facilitates constructive dialogue, helping to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

Prevents Small Problems from Becoming Big Issues Many couples wait until their problems become overwhelming before seeking help. Therapy encourages partners to address minor issues early on, preventing them from escalating into major conflicts. By seeking therapy proactively, couples can avoid deeper relational rifts and build a stronger foundation for the future.

Therapy as a Tool for Growth, Not Just Healing

It’s important to note that therapy is not just about fixing problems. It’s also a powerful tool for personal and relational growth. Couples who attend therapy often report feeling more connected, more aligned with their goals, and better equipped to handle future challenges. Just like physical health, maintaining relational health requires regular care and attention.

Call to Action: Start Your Journey to a Healthier Relationship

Investing in your relationship is one of the best decisions you can make. At [Your Practice Name], we specialize in Couples Therapy, helping partners create healthier, more fulfilling relationships through professional support and guidance.

If you and your partner want to strengthen your relationship, we encourage you to schedule a free consultation with one of our licensed therapists today. Whether you’re facing communication issues, emotional disconnect, or simply want to improve your relationship dynamics, we are here to help.

Explore more about our additional services:

Couples Coaching

Couples Retreat

Individual Therapy

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What Are the Advantages Of Couples Coaching Over Therapy?

When it comes to improving relationships, couples have a range of options, with couples therapy and couples coaching being two of the most effective. While both approaches aim to enhance connection and resolve conflicts, they differ in significant ways. In this blog, we’ll explore the unique advantages of couples coaching and how it might be the right choice for couples looking to grow, evolve, and create a stronger relationship.

What Is Couples Coaching?

Couples coaching is a forward-focused, solution-oriented approach designed to help couples achieve specific goals within their relationship. It’s less about diving into past traumas or deep emotional struggles (as is often a requirement in therapy) and more about creating actionable steps for improving the relationship moving forward.

Coaching is ideal for couples who are not needed mental health diagnosis or treatment, but want to work on communication skills, shared goals, and creating a stronger partnership. It focuses on practical tools and guidance to help you move toward a more fulfilling relationship.

Advantages of Couples Coaching Over Therapy

Goal-Oriented and Actionable One of the main advantages of couples coaching is its emphasis on clear, actionable goals. Coaching sessions are designed to help couples identify their relationship aspirations and create a roadmap to achieve them. Rather than delving into deep unnecessary past experiences, coaching offers practical strategies that can be applied immediately, making it a great option for couples looking to make quick progress.

Focus on the Future, Not the Past Unlike therapy, which often explores formative years and possible connections to previous trauma, couples coaching is present and future-focused. Coaching helps couples clarify where they want their relationship to go and offers guidance on how to get there. This makes it ideal for couples who feel stuck but aren’t necessarily dealing with deeper emotional issues that require therapeutic intervention. This can be true for most issues couples are facing including infidelity, trust, or broken connection.

Short-Term Commitment Coaching typically requires fewer sessions than therapy and can generate more immediate improvements. Many couples find that coaching can provide significant benefits in just a few sessions, making it a time-efficient option for those looking to quickly enhance their relationship.

Empowerment Through Action Coaching is about empowerment. It equips couples with the tools and techniques they need to succeed in their relationship without relying on a therapist long-term. With the right guidance, couples are empowered to continue growing and solving their own challenges independently.

Is Couples Coaching Right for You?

If you and your partner are not suffering from mental health concerns and want to work on specific areas — like improving communication, aligning future goals, or enhancing intimacy — then couples coaching could be the perfect fit.

Call to Action: Schedule Your Free Couples Coaching Session

At Emergent Relationship Center, we offer personalized Couples Coaching to help you and your partner achieve your relationship goals. Whether you want to improve communication, work through conflicts, or align your future vision, our certified coaches are here to guide you every step of the way.

Schedule a free session today to learn how couples coaching can transform your relationship and help you create the partnership you’ve always wanted.

Explore more of our services:

Couples Therapy

Couples Retreat

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Is Your Relationship in Trouble?

Is Your Relationship in Trouble? ​Let us show you how to improve your relationship today. We help couples create 5-Star Relationships.

Couples therapy starts before your first appointment. Once you choose to begin, We will send you the document “Getting The Most Out Of Couples Therapy.” It gives an overview of what to expect from therapy and how you can start making changes immediately.

No doubt, you want to feel accepted, secure, and confident in your relationship. And you deserve that. In a 5-Star relationship, partners support one another’s different interests and each feels free to express their own desires.

​But does that feel a million miles away?

Given life’s challenges and your past experiences, it makes sense why it’s so difficult to maintain an awesome relationship. You might wonder if you can regain the love you had or wonder if it’s even possible to have a 5-star relationship.

We understand your pain and can help. The method that we use at ERC gives you a road map to create the relationship you deserve.

40–50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. Subsequent marriages the rate is higher.

The deeper the trenches the harder to get out.

Don’t wait any longer if you:

Feel defeated and unhappy in your relationship

Can’t talk about difficult situations without ending up re-burying unresolved pain

Feel like you are living with a roommate

Want to fight for the relationship, but feel hopeless and desperate to find a way forward

Fear your partner is cheating

Are shocked or paralyzed after discovering a physical or emotional affair

Want to move your relationship to the next level and learn how to create an effective team to solve challenges together

SCHEDULE HERE

Our expertise includes thousands of hours:

The developmental model created by Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., is a powerful way to transform relationships. This approach addresses the response cycle by using principles of neuroscience, takes into account your family history with the ideas of attachment theory, and gives couples a road map to get unstuck in their sequential journey.

We continue to learn by working with Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., Founder of The Couples Institute, Creator of The Developmental Model of Couples therapy in her master mentor program.

We learned how to deal with the most difficult cases and some of our Colleagues send couples they want to help, but feel stuck with. If you should decide to work with us, you will be in good hands.

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Immediate Relationship Repair

Communication Problems?

Do you feel like there is a rift in your relationship?

Do you feel like all decisions and conversations are a battle to be won or lost without ever reaching any resolution?

Maybe you feel distant from your partner, or that your needs aren’t being met?

If it seems like you and your partner aren’t even in the same book anymore with decisions, let alone on the same page, or you want a change, we can help — if you don’t wait too long.

Get help now with a breakthrough coaching session.

Progress is guaranteed.

Coaching is different than therapy

Coaching is the path forward if you’re looking for a transformational experience that helps you move quickly through current issues. It focuses on action and goal setting to promote positive change rather than exploring in-depth past experiences or addressing mental illness or trauma, which can be time-consuming. With a breakthrough session and coaching, you get access to resources to feel empowered and confident as soon as possible.

How it works:

Schedule a rapid relationship repair session.

If you and your partner are struggling to return to a healthy, happy relationship, don’t wait. Schedule yourself for one of my rapid repair sessions! These are a game changer! (and only offered on a limited basis -I only take on a few couples a month based on the availability of my schedule)

Together, we’ll work out what’s going wrong right now so that you can develop an effective plan for where you’d like the relationship to be. You may even discover some insightful truths about yourselves along the way — after all, communication is at the heart of most couples’ issues!

Get ready for positive change with 3–6 months of customized coaching designed for both of you.

At Emergent Relationship Center, we have the keys to unlocking authentic conversations and improved communication between partners. I empower couples to break through barriers that are blocking the connection. I strive for results-oriented solutions so the clients can move forward in their relationships with greater understanding and harmony.

With an experienced coach’s guidance, you gain perspective on unhealthy patterns of behavior holding you back as a couple or individually — offering strategies tailored to exceed your expectations and create lasting change!

Schedule your Discounted Breakthrough session now!

If you decide to move forward with coaching, your session fee will go towards your coaching package. If you decide you are not ready or you want to try it on your own will have discovered the key thing you need to work on.

Steps to get started

Unlock the secrets to a successful relationship with a discounted breakthrough session! Experience change — guaranteed.

Establish a new definition of success for your relationship.

At the end of our session, understand what steps you need to take and create a plan of action to reach your desired outcome-all for just a deposit of $150!

If you are ready for big shifts in your relationship, I only take eight couples at a time because I want to provide maximum support for those I work with, including access to weekly appointments and laser-focused support calls in between.

Now we can be more honest and open, understanding that we can feel differently at the same time and that’s okay–both can be right. I feel like we are both present in dealing with issues instead of me feeling alone.

~ GP

Coaching gave us a forum to focus exclusively on the “nuts and bolts” of being with each other. It taught me to lead more with appreciation and helped each of us to better communicate real feelings with each other

~ AS

I can tell her when I don’t want to talk about something. I am so glad that can be an answer! I didn’t want to say that before because I didn’t feel comfortable

~ JM

Coaching is different than therapy

A coach will show you the techniques to climb a mountain.

A therapist will get you well enough to make the climb.

We all start with the first step.

If you are already motivated and need help to make the changes, coaching is just right.

Here, we will talk about what’s going on in your relationship right now and start to create a plan on what you would like it to look like. Additionally, you will find some things that are keeping you from getting there so you can walk away equipped with some self-knowledge.

If you are a good candidate for coaching, we will agree on a plan (usually 3 or 6 months) to get your relationship back on track or heading towards a happy future. Sessions length and frequency are based on what is most effective for each couple.

For most couples, the root of all of their problems — from financial issues to parenting decisions to meeting needs — is communication.

At Emergent Relationship Center, addressing communication issues is at the heart of our relationship coaching approach. We provide immediate and actionable solutions to communication issues, enabling couples to break through barriers and communicate effectively.

When an athlete wants to improve in their training, they go to a coach. Similarly, when a relationship needs improvement, a relationship coach can help to raise awareness of ineffective patterns, suggest new strategies, and empower couples to create vital change.

Through relationship coaching, we offer individual, relevant and timely actions to immediately start creating a better future for partners — both as individuals and together.

Start Your Coaching with an Intensive or Relationship Boot Camp Session and Turn Your Relationship Around even quicker.

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How To Avoid Arguments

Argument

an exchange of diverging or opposite views

to give reasons for or against something

Merriam-Webster

Avoid most arguments by changing the way you talk.

Arguments are fueled by defenses and reactions. If you could change the way you talk when you are upset, angry, jealous, hurt, or fill in any negative feeling, then you could avoid most arguments. Arguments go something like this: “you said…”, “I am mad because you…”, or “you need to…” In all these statements, the initiator either finger-points, blames, or asks/demands change. When people hear these words, they go on the defensive; they feel like they are being told they are wrong. And aren’t they? Because what is an argument other than giving reasons against something? Usually after an argument is initiated, the conversation gets hostile and one or both partners shut down because they are trying to win a debate or to avoid fighting. What if we changed the way we initiated the conversation and transformed the relationship?

Try experimenting without using blame, finger-pointing, or asking for change. What’s left is expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. You probably won’t argue with someone when they tell you their favorite food is anchovies. You might if they try to tell you that is your favorite food. Keeping the conversation on defining your own thoughts and feelings will take out the triggers that lead to fighting. Your partner won’t need to defend them self if they don’t feel attacked. This will work even in highly difficult or sensitive topics.

[emergentrelationshipcenter]

I want to get this blog rolling by introducing myself and my views on therapy. I am really excited to be opening this practice. Being a therapist has been my goal since I was an adolescent. Maybe it is true when they say (at least for me) therapists get into this field to figure themselves out and to help themselves feel better. The good news is that I have done a good bit of that and now it is exciting to watch other people achieve those goals!

I think therapy (or alternatively “changing”) is about people learning what they do, discovering and trying out options, and then evaluating their choices to decide if they helped. So how do therapists do that? Well, there are a lot of different methods and theories that therapists can follow. I follow the principles of Gestalt therapy. One of the things this means is I believe in the value of others’ thoughts and values. I am a therapist who listens to understand the way my clients think and feel. I don’t want to talk at someone, tell them what they need to do, or give them ways to be different. I work on helping people identify their stuck points so that we can come up with alternatives. I love trying experiments! I am with my clients, helping them learn about who they are, what they think, and how they want to be. I think my work is exciting!

I specialize in couples therapy and relationship dynamics. I’m so excited to work with couples. I believe that your life and your relationship, can become even more refined thanks to its scars. Schedule your session today.

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Helping Couples With Therapy

How to talk to your partner about couples therapy and what to do if they don’t want to go.

It’s hard enough to admit that you might need couples therapy, let alone getting up the courage to call. According to research, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. So you are ready now, but you have to have a conversation with your partner. Chances are conversations don’t go well, so you are probably right that this one won’t be different.

One thing to keep in mind is that your partner has their own desires, comfort levels, and motivation to contend with. Your partner is a separate being with separate thoughts and feelings. One thing that good sales people know is that you have to contend with objections. How do you do this? You have to find them out. Below are three tips to talk with your partner about going to couples therapy.

Tip #1: Don’t cling to your idea so much that it gets in the way of understanding your mate.

Ask your partner what they think about going to couples therapy. If they say they don’t want to go, be curious. Ask them why. You will have a much more complete conversation if you know what they think and then you can exchange ideas

Tip #2: When you get an answer, don’t immediately give a contrary opinion about it.

For example, if your partner says they don’t want to go and you ask why, they might say,“I don’t think we need it.” Your head might immediately scream and start disagreeing. That makes sense! You feel like you are in the pit, in the middle of a tornado and your partner says, “I don’t see anything wrong here.” Instead of saying, “the house just flew by!” ask them if they think there are any problems or ask when there was last a problem. Try encouraging them to think about things and at the same time, you are learning their reasons. After you have a better understanding of why they don’t want to go, you can ask them if you can give your view point.

Tip #3:When you talk about your opinion, keep it focused on yourself.

Many people struggle with this. They think if they are making “I” statements that they are not being hurtful or crossing boundaries. If someone says “I think that you are wrong. We do fight and I think that you should want to go because if you don’t want to, then I don’t think it means as much,” they are focusing on the other person too much. They are trying to change the partner.

If a person is really just expressing themselves, it sounds a lot more about them. A better example of self-expression that is focused on self is “I really want to go to therapy. I am not happy in this relationship and I want to find a way to better get along. The disagreement we had last week felt really big to me and I am having a hard time getting over it.”

Finally, ask for what you want. Don’t expect your partner to know. If you are interested in attending couples therapy, ask your partner directly if they would go. It’s hard enough to get the courage to go to therapy. I suggest following these 3 tips and if they still don’t want to go, I encourage you to find a therapist who will see you to work on your side of things. One person can really turn the relationship around when they commit to their own personal growth.

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If You Are Doing Fine, Why Does Your Relationship Seem To Be A Pressure Cooker?

“I don’t want to bother you.” “I am sure that you are tired of hearing it.” “My story is too long and it’s too much to explain.”

These are all thoughts that people have when they are asked how they are doing and say they are “fine.” In my last blog post titled, “Not Everyone Is Fine During The Quarantine”, I wrote about the research that was conducted regarding Covid-19.

Since that last article, the nation has been facing political unrest and division. Not everyone is fine. So again, I am asking, why is everyone saying they are fine? I am concerned about so many things right now. One of my concerns is how folks in relationships are handling things.

I have been thinking about the impending consequences of the disaster we are experiencing. Whether we like to think about it or not, the aftermath of the pandemic is going to be momentous.

I saw the statistics in places that were hit before Covid-19 appeared locally, and their divorce rates are at a record high. People who were avoiding dealing with their relationship issues got pushed too far.

It’s like going on a vacation with someone you don’t really like. By the time you get back, you cannot stand the person and you can’t wait to get home, and then you don’t talk again or wait a few weeks or months. Except this is the person you live with, have children together, or at least have a lot of ties together.

So why do couples wait to seek couple counseling? And what is going to happen to their relationship?

Couples wait an average of 6 years to seek help for their relationship issue. That’s a long wait, but what if they don’t make it 6 years? My guess is that the quarantine is like a pressure cooker. Think about this for a minute: the average couple waits 6 years to get counseling help and many don’t even last 6 years. What will happen if we increase the pain?

We use a pressure cooker to make our food faster. Thanks to pressure, it cooks food in an estimated third of the usual cooking time. A struggling relationship, under normal circumstances, might be able to withstand the heat of waiting, but add in this current disaster and the consequences are sure to add much more. It’s a giant pressure cooker!

Couples often wait because they hope their relationship will get better on its own. They hope that their partner will arise from their hurtful behavior and see the error of their ways. The problem is that neither you nor your partner can see how this whole painful process started.

While you are waiting, more resentments are being collected, requiring more time spent healing from past hurts.

I can imagine that many people don’t think that someone else could help. Lord knows they have tried really hard on their own. I get that.

One thing I would remind you of is that therapy is something different, something you may not have tried yet. The couples therapy experience I offer is truly different from other relationship counseling experiences because it’s a relationship intensive that helps you get results quickly.

There is a famous saying: “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” — Henry Ford

I have been through hell and back in my own relationship and I really get the problem that most couples are facing. I can help you and your partner paint a picture of what you really want to create and then start taking steps to get there right way. If you want to make a powerful change in your relationship or marriage, do something that is really difficult. Look an angry partner or spouse in the eye and tell them you want to make a change.

Why don’t you reach out and get a guide, someone who can help you find out where you got lost and give you a road map? Don’t wait a moment longer. Get the therapy help you deserve. Click here to schedule with me. I even offer telehealth couples therapy or counseling online. Let’s create the relationship that offers the mutual support and understanding you are looking for.

[emergentrelationshipcenter]

Part Two: From the “Me” to the “We”

In my last blog post, I wrote about the first reason relationships are hard. Wanting to stay in the honeymoon period — the bonding, the easy agreements, those intense feelings, that excitement — is one of the reasons that long-term relationships feel hard.

For those of you who were interested in the reason that communicating seems so difficult, this article might surprise you. “Communication” is not actually the problem. The issue is more subtle.

Yes, we think communication is one of the main reasons relationships are hard but think about it: you probably communicate with your partner every day. In fact, you do not have a problem communicating. That’s right- you can communicate!

Talking to your partner is not a problem!

Let me explain why communication is not a struggle in your relationship and what the actual issue is. If I ask you what your partner’s biggest complaints about you are, you can probably give them with some accuracy. I know this because it’s one of the first questions I ask couples when they come for a counseling session in my office here in Harrisburg, PA.

Most couples can answer this fairly accurately. I tell them that this suggests communication isn’t the problem. Certainly, there might be some problems with listening and being able to bring up things, but this isn’t really a communication problem.

So what is the problem and why do we think it is communication? What most partners struggle with is related to the first reason relationships are so hard — wanting sameness. We want our partner to think like us, to talk like us (either sharing a lot or sharing less), and to want the same things we like. We struggle with difference! In the beginning, these differences were minimized during bonding, but now, these differences loom large.

For many relationships, the real issue is how to negotiate, and while yes, that means communicating, there is a greater emphasis on difference.

Most couples that attend couples counseling therapy are going because their partner wants something different.

Think about your top complaints of your partner. Maybe it is that they don’t want to talk about issues and you do. Maybe the reason for your unhappiness in life is that your partner doesn’t show affection enough (for you), doesn’t like to go out with friends (and you do), or won’t save money (they would rather enjoy their fruits now and you want to be secure later).

Examples of Couples’ Complaints:

“My partner husband doesn’t like to go out with friends. He wants to stay at home.”“My wife doesn’t show enough affection.”“My boyfriend doesn’t want to talk about issues”.

All of these examples are really about difference. The problem is not that we cannot talk about things, but that we cannot negotiate differences and decide how to handle them. Sometimes we are too focused on sharing our point of view or we are not really understanding what the other wants.

Communication, according to Merriam-Webster, is a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior. Most people don’t have a problem communicating. They find they have a problem bringing up something because of fear of the outcome. A spouse may have a problem with how their communication is received, but the real problem is more about negotiation of differences.

To have more effective communication around these differences, it is important to first, understand that you and your partner are different people with different wants and desires.

If you want to improve your communication experience around differences, ask your partner why they want the situation or the thing to be the way they do. In asking questions, you can understand what exactly they want and get a better understanding of why it is important. This would be a start.

If it is something really important to them, say a 9 out of 10 for them and a 5 out of 10 for you, ask yourself if you might want to make the sacrifice. If the opposite is true and you are really passionate about your desire, then please understand what sacrifice they are making for you. Giving up something at a 5 out of 10 is something!

If you are not sure how to go about negotiating difference or there is a real conflict of important values, consider getting personalized marriage counseling help with a Harrisburg professional counselor to help you deal with this issue. Schedule your initial therapy session now or inquire about the new relationship boot camp services available here in Harrisburg PA (completing one of these is like a fast-tracked 3 months of weekly therapy).

[emergentrelationshipcenter]

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Part One: From the “Me” to the “We”

A lot of couples say relationships are hard. We know it, but many people don’t really know why or what to do about it. Couples may be shy about seeking counseling or therapy. We don’t like difficult things. Many couples want to change things, but when things are hard, couples don’t want to go much deeper, go through couples counseling, or get more help about what’s required to make the difficult change. We have too many demands and not enough time!

If you really want to know why couples relationships are hard and what to do about it, then this article will help clarify some of those issues.

Many life experiences are hard. Take weight loss, for example. People have a general sense that in their life to eat better and exercise to maintain their health. Aside from that, most people don’t get into the details unless they are really determined.

Not many people want to know how many calories equal a pound (it is 3,500) or what a macro is (grams of proteins, carbs, and fats) and how to balance them. If you really wanted to experience weight loss, you might learn about the right things to eat to maintain health or get a coach who knows about it.

If you want to learn about your relationship, it’s the same. You want to know what makes a relationship or marriage so hard and you want some therapy help. In this 2-part blog series, I am going to give you two of the biggest reasons relationships are difficult.

When you begin to understand these two concepts, you can start to work towards challenging yourself to accept how things are and find the right way to apply these concepts in your relationship and life. Similar to a diet, when you know the principles of the equation, you can change things up.

The first reason that couples relationships are hard is that we desire what we had in the beginning and want to find that agin. This sounds very straight forward, but, from experience, it’s definitely not. I am not just talking about the heightened emotions, the butterflies, and the long talks at night — although many do miss these new-relationship experiences! What I am talking about is more than that — it’s the idea that we could talk so easy. We didn’t feel like strangers in life.

When we first meet someone, we form a new creation. The two people — the two separate “me’s” — meet in life. They become a “we” very quickly over time. They talk about themselves like this: we experience, we find, we went, we are going, we love, we have, we don’t have, etc. You and your mate are officially a “we” in life. Biology supports this intense integration of two people being enmeshed over time.

When we are bonding with our mate in the “we” phase, we are also on our best behavior and our anxiety is biologically decreased. Things that usually bother us are duller sensations.

Don’t like loud chewing, hummers, or cheering at sports events? That’s ok — you are amped up on oxytocin, adrenaline, and norepinephrine. These are chemicals that fuel the falling-in-love feeling so you’re not as likely to notice the annoyances.

According to Dr. Patricia Mumby, Doctor in Clinical Psychology from Loyola University, “The phrase ‘love is blind’ is a valid notion because we tend to idealize our partner and see only things that we want to see in the early stages of the relationship.”

After this attraction phase, we enter into a new and challenging yet also rewarding phase of the relationship. Remember the weight loss example? The first few pounds are easy to lose. Now begins some work. So, too, in relationships and marriage, does the work begin to stay healthy.

What we now have is the differentiating phase of work. We are trying to balance what we want and what our partner wants.

The extra challenge here is that the differentiation phase is sometimes different than initially thought. Have you ever told someone you liked the same thing they did, only to realize that you said that because you wanted to spend time with the person?

It might be that you said you like watching football or you don’t mind going to antique shows. When you said it, you probably didn’t mind these experiences because you were with your person. And your person did the same. Now, you realize that while you love your person, you don’t really love watching football and would rather be doing something else.

Relationships are so hard in this respect because the “we” that we formed needs to change.

In healthy relationships, the “we” isn’t that “we love the same things,” it’s “we each have different likes and dislikes.”

The problem is that you really liked it when you both liked those things, and now, not liking the same things is a very hard pill to swallow. There is some sense of loss. I was taught to ask about the first “disillusionment.” This is usually when the “we” started to become two “me’s” again.

Somewhere inside of us, we might want our partner to do what will make them happy and you do what you want? Right? Well…sort of…like somewhere deep inside. I want to have a healthy BMI (that’s body mass index, or measure of body fat based on height and weight). That doesn’t mean that I like it or want to give up eating chocolate cake.

It really is normal to have some grief after the initial bonding period starts to mature! It’s also a really tough pill to swallow that after you get older — you have to watch what you eat for your health. It doesn’t seem fair.

But wait! If we work on the health of our bodies, they reward us with increased strength! Similarly, we work on accepting our partner’s desires (while balancing our own), our relationship or marriage gets stronger.

In the next post, I will address the second reason I think couples have difficult relationships: communication! How do we talk about these differences or seek help or counseling for these differences — these things we want our partner to understand, like, or accept about us? Stay tuned.

In the meantime, if you want a counselor who personalizes in therapy help or if you seek a counselor for couples counseling to deal with your issues, schedule your initial therapy session appointment now or inquire about the couples counseling relationship boot camps available in Harrisburg, PA (completing one of these is like a fast-tracked 3 months of weekly therapy).

[emergentrelationshipcenter]

The Best Couples Therapy That You Have Never Heard Of: Couple Intensives

Relationship Boot Camps or “Couple Intensives” are quickly becoming my favorite approach to treating relationship issues for couples.

These day-long sessions are ground breaking for those seeking to implement changes right away. They also serve as an effective alternative for the many couples who struggle to keep up with the long-term schedule required to attend traditional couple’s therapy.

While traditional couple’s therapy or marriage counseling doesn’t work for everyone, a relationship boot camp is a way to get the benefits of effective couple’s therapy in a hurry and avoid the pitfalls of traditional therapy! This new innovative approach that I, along with a handful of colleagues, are really honing!

For some time, churches and laypeople have offered couples 3 day retreats or a weekend. While these experiences may provide some benefits to couples, they are no match for sessions facilitated by masters of The Couples Institute.

For the last 35 years, the founders, Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, have trained therapists in over 50 countries. They’re trusted experts on The Today Show, The New York Times, Oprah Magazine, and more. And they’re sought after guests for the world’s preeminent couples therapy conferences. They are considered pioneers of couples therapy, and they have developed a new intensive apprenticeship program to pass their knowledge off to a few carefully chosen therapists.

Each year, Ellyn and Pete interview and select only 5–10 therapists for their advanced Master Mentoring program. Over the course of a year, we study closely under Drs. Bader and Pearson, learning what they do, why they do it, and how to do it.

There is no other couples therapy training program like it on the planet, and the therapists who graduate are exceptional at identifying couples’ real issues and treating the underlying issues. Many couples who work with therapists from the Master Mentoring program experience massive and lasting relationship transformation and healing, especially after a Couples Intensive experience.

Traditional therapy is time intensive (think weekly meetings for months), involves interruptions (having to get current with therapist about the latest fight and only getting half way through an issue only to wait until the next session to bring it up again), and requires a skilled counseling therapist.

It’s no wonder the average couple doesn’t pursue outside help for healing of their relationship issues.

Couple Intensives provides a welcome alternative.

The term “Couples Intensive” is gaining attention, but the term isn’t widely known among the general population. In my practice, I am still experimenting with the search term and am partial to the term “relationship boot camp” because of my background and time spent in exercise and triathlons.

I am releasing a series of articles where I am going to be providing details on these advantageous sessions. Basically, we set aside a day to work on the relationship.

One couple, one day, with one exceptionally trained therapist!

The couple does some preparation work and then comes in ready to get to work. We establish a laser focus on the agreed upon issue and incorporate interventions that are grounded in many experiences of the Developmental Model approach.

Just last week, I completed one of these marathon sessions with a couple. The couple was able to make a weeks’ worth of progress in one day on an issue they struggled over for the last few years.

In this example, the wife was able to identify and articulate the real reason for her strong desire to save money. She was able to unpack her fear and talk about how scary it was for her to think of not being prepared for the future.

The husband was dealing with his own existential crisis; he didn’t want to have worked so hard only to be told he should be sacrificing more.

Through the session, he was able to express his fear of “dying without living” and his need to be able to experience certain things. The couple was able to understand the other’s desires and they were finally able to negotiate in a way that worked for each of them.

It would have taken at least a month’s worth of traditional therapy to get this far with this issue — that is, if they didn’t have anything else come up in-between counseling sessions.

The above scenario is just one example of a relationship issue that can be quickly and effectively dealt with during a Couple’s Intensive. There is no limit to the potential benefit and healing to couples who participate in these relationship boot camp intensives, provided they are willing to put in the work!

If you are not sure how to go about negotiating difference or there is a real conflict of important values, consider getting personalized Marriage Counseling in Harrisburg with a professional counselor to help you deal with this issue. Schedule your initial therapy session now or inquire about the new Couple Intensives Service available here in Harrisburg PA (completing one of these is like a fast-tracked 3 months of weekly therapy).

[emergentrelationshipcenter]

Why You Might Not Get Help At Couples Counseling

I write in my bio that I have been through hell and back when it comes to my own relationship, so I think this gives me some authority on the problems in relationships and how to overcome them. I can also say that I understand the difficulties of getting help with a troubled relationship. It was really hard for me to find a good therapist.

When my spouse and I decided that we needed marriage counseling, I reached out to my mentor and asked for a referral to licensed clinical therapists. There wasn’t anyone within 2 hours of us that she would recommend. What we ended up doing was virtual sessions. This was years ago and way before the pandemic which has since made Telehealth popular. Since we were doing virtual sessions, it opened up the possibility to work with one of the best couples counseling therapist I now know.

My spouse and I had the opportunity to see my mentor’s best student and technology allowed us to meet online across the pond.

Since then, I have learned a few more things about how to find the best counselor and how to get the best from couples counseling. I often learn that my clients have already tried another therapist, and, in some instances, more than two before coming to me. It’s unimaginable that you cannot just pick up the phone and call a therapist with assurance you will get the therapy help you deserve.

In an article called “Bad Couples Therapy”, Bill Doherty wrote “a dirty little secret in the therapy field is that couples therapy is the hardest form of therapy, and most therapists aren’t good at it.” He goes on to write that 80 percent of couples therapists in private practice never took any course work, internships, or training in relationships, therapy, marriage counseling, or any subject within couples counseling. This is astonishing! Doherty says it’s like having your broken leg set by a doctor who skipped orthopedics in medical school. Who would be willing agree to that one? In this article, I want to share some things to consider if you want quality counseling help for your life.

Here’s what not to do if you want quality therapy help:Don’t just find someone who is accepting clients and works with your insurance.

A lot of people aren’t aware that not all therapy is the same. There are some awesome individual therapists that aren’t specialized in offering couples counseling or marriage counseling and there are some great couples therapists or family therapists that don’t do a great job working with specific individual issues. One suggestion I would like to make is that you ask the therapist what percentage of their practice is couples counseling therapy. My own therapy practice is more than 75%. I specialize in couples counseling.

The other thing that is important to consider is what it means to use your insurance for services. What some therapists have found is that when they work with insurance it limits the help they can give. Insurance companies want a treatment plan that addresses a certain issue. Since they don’t specifically cover couples therapy for clients, a therapist has to use a diagnosis that is covered. If they use a label of depression, than the treatment plan has to have interventions targeted to treat this. But what if the “depression” is really disillusionment about the state of the relationship or sadness because the marriage is on the brink of ending?

Don’t coerce another to go to counseling when they said they were 100% done.

Another reason therapy might not work is if one partner has already made a decision that they are not willing to try anymore. It can be devastating when you think your relationship is over. If your partner says they are done, the worst thing would be to drag them to couples therapy by threats or coercion. Instead, a partner might try to work on themselves and see if they can demonstrate the change that their partner has been looking for. If the leaning-out partner isn’t sure if they are in love or isn’t sure that they want to try working on it, discernment therapy is another great option!

The goal of discernment therapy is to simply make a decision about the nature of your relationship. Will you stay status quo, separate, or commit to therapy? You can read more about it here. If you want to go to therapy and your partner is not willing find a couples therapist who helps partners work on the relationship solo, this option may be for you.

Another option, than dragging someone into therapy, is to find a therapist who can help you reevaluate the relationship, grieve the relationship, or get some clarity about the situation. Although it isn’t one person’s role to fix the relationship, if one partner goes to therapy it can help the relationship. If the relationship does end, you might look at growth areas for the next relationship or grieve the ending of a long relationship.

Don’t show up expecting your partner to do all the changing.

When a partner comes in and takes no responsibility for their contributions it sends a message to the other partner that they are not doing any work. It is kind of like showing up to a football game believing that the game’s outcome is solely up to the quarterback. Even if the quarterback is the most skilled player, he is going to need some help from the rest of the team. Couples therapy works best when partners show up looking to increase their knowledge about themselves and their partner. Therapy becomes a powerful tool to help you break ineffective patterns in life, and then, provides a way for couples to begin to develop a partnership and create a shared vision of the kind of life they want to build together.

Now that we have gone over some ways couples therapy won’t work, let’s shift gears and look at what you can do when looking for a skilled couple’s therapist.Here are some key actions you can take:

· Make sure you ask questions about the therapist’s experience, training, and practice.

· Do your research. There are different types of therapy and counseling options. If you are going for a specific issue, like sex or trust issues, find someone who has training and experience on that particular issue.

· Don’t bargain shop. If you talk to a counseling therapist you connect with and they are more expensive, remember that this is one area you will definitely get what you pay for.

Finding a skilled, quality counselor is an important part of successful couples counseling. Yet, remember, it is only part of the equation. To see and feel the changes in your relationship, aim to increase your knowledge about yourself, your partner, and look to correct the patterns of interaction between the two of you. Remember, creating change will take time and tough work.

Make sure you have a trained and skilled guide to navigate the rough waters in your relationship.

I offer marriage counseling, discernment counseling, and couples boot camp intensives that can provide relationships with an overhaul and give people the relief they need in a concentrated burst. Learn more about my counseling therapy services here. I offer virtual appointments and in-person sessions for my clients at my Harrisburg location.

[emergentrelationshipcenter]

Runners were responsible for carrying messages between fronts during the war. Since you and your partner are on the same team, I thought this was a good analogy. What you are really running between is two different ideas or two different ways of seeing things.

You don’t like to fight with your partner. Ultimately, you desire to work together and solve the conflict. In my work as a couple’s therapist and couples relationship coach, I see why many of my clients avoid talking to their significant other. They avoid communicating.

Many partners have found that their conversations quickly deteriorate and this makes them feel as if they are in combat with each other.

Each time you try to bring up something or start a discussion, it’s the same thing. You think you have found the best way to frame it and you are hoping to duck a bullet. You have high hopes. But by the third sentence, you can see by the look on your spouse’s face — that it’s gone south again. And you’re wondering what happened.

Here are the three common mistakes that can ruin effective communicating:

Mistake #1: You realize you have something to convey, but you don’t bring it up. You can’t communicate anything if you don’t open your mouth and say it. Some partners are afraid that their message will start a fight and that may have some truth to it. Partners who don’t know how to effectively negotiate often turn hostile or shut down. The same can be said for partners who are feeling afraid of speaking their mind in case it starts an argument with their significant other. Tension is a guarantee in every relationship. Healthy marriages are able to find ways to navigate the encounter. The only way to keep communication alive in a relationship is to keep trying and be truthful with your partner. Nothing good ever comes of hiding the way you feel.

Mistake #2: You express your point with judgement, criticism, or blame. No one wants to hear how they did something wrong or why it is their fault. Communication that is peppered with judgments and criticism tends to put people on the defensive. Even if you want to talk about something that you are critical of, your message is more likely to be received if it’s about you, the speaker, and not the other. For example, instead of saying, “You are always out running and never home” you might express the thoughts and feelings about the matter instead. You might say, “I feel really lonely and I don’t like being home alone so much.” The second message is more likely to turn into a healthy conversation- Albeit possibly a tough one. Instead of criticizing your partner, tell them how their actions make you feel.

Mistake #3: Bringing up your conversation at the wrong time. You wait until you are in a conflict to bring up an issue or you bring it up without checking for your partner’s readiness. Successful communication involves both a sender and a receiver. First, you need to check that you are expressing your thoughts in a manner that it can be well-received. If you are angry, it might be easier for you to say it, but the chances of it being heard are minimal. Instead, you will have better luck waiting for a moment when you are both calm and ask your partner if it’s a good time to talk about the issue.

The bottom line: I know you want to be able to communicate with your partner, but don’t let your desire to start the discussion lead to the above mistakes. Wanting to communicate is a great start!

Do you want to learn how to improve your relationship now? Learn more about marriage and couples relationship coaching.