emilyscheel

[emilyscheel]

Everything I say I feel like he disagrees with. I can’t talk anymore.

[emilyscheel]

He said maybe I should find someone else for those activities. I don’t even think he’s been listening to me. I think he thinks it’s about how often it’s happening or the fact that he hasn’t finished a few times. It’s not. It’s about how I have a need and want that he isn’t meeting in that area and I’ve told him how to. He says he doesn’t remember to. That is what really makes me feel like he doesn’t care about it or me. I remember to do a lot of things that don’t directly benefit me, a lot for him. And I’ve finally felt comfortable to express these things but they’re not important enough to remember… I don’t feel important enough to remember.

He always says there is a lot of things I’m particular on that he will never be able to guess what I’d want/like in a situation. This is a time I’ve directly come out and said it and it defeats the purpose of I have to remind him every time.

That was a rambling mess but I don’t really know how to say anything anymore.

[emilyscheel]

I’ve always had this issue. It’s just that even I didn’t realize it because the thoughts, wants, and needs were stuffed so far down not even I could reach them.

[emilyscheel]

Communicate and it goes… well.

Continue to communicate and it goes… bad.

I guess I’ll go back to being the silent partner.

[emilyscheel]

I don’t know. It just feels like I’m a person in his life. Not his wife. Not someone who he is supposed to love and cherish. Sometimes it feels like he likes me such as when he flashes me a smile when we catch each other’s eyes. But most of the time I feel like a burden to him. Whether I’m not making enough money, if I’m breaking/messing things up, or if I genuinely do the right thing I still feel that I’m letting him down and not living up to everyone’s expectations. I can’t really talk to him about it. I don’t know what to say about it all. I just feel like a failure. I want to make him happy but I feel as though I’m just a drain on him.

[emilyscheel]

I’m terrible at talking to people, I know that. But I try not to make promises that I’ll break to people who I plan on having a friendship with. It seems like everyone who offers to be my friend just ghosts me after I meet them for the first time.

[emilyscheel]

I feel like I finally got a part of me fixed, for now at least. But just when I can match his level it feels too little too late. I’m worried he doesn’t find me attractive anymore or if I’m just mundane to him. I want to be fun and exciting again like we once were. Imo our sex life has always been great for my level of want/need but I know for a while it has been lacking for him. I’ve always thought the only solution would be polygamy eventually, but this breakthrough made me think I wouldn’t need to share him to please him. Now I’m worried it’s too late and he’s lost the spark 😥

[emilyscheel]

Job has no central heating. It will be between 33-23 degrees for my shift. Drive a hybrid car that won’t reliably start or run in the freezing temps. My boss thinks I should still come in since it will also be freezing later this week. I don’t really understand the logic. Most people will not be out doing non necessary retail shopping on the freezing days. And I’m not in an area where I could get anywhere close to home safely if my car fails to start. It’s a +30 min drive to work. I’m anxious they’re gonna give me an ultimatum or cut my hours. I’m also anxious that I’ll get stuck and be freezing without food for hours (which has happened before). I’ve been stranded and this time it would be in the mountains. I need the money but my health and safety I need more for the one night.

[emilyscheel]

My ex best friend unblocked me. Don’t know how to feel about that. Part of my brain wants to run to her and say how much I’ve missed you. And all of the rest of it knows that will never happen and we will never be friends again.

[emilyscheel]

I don’t really know what we are going to do. I don’t really know how to make either of us stop feeling like this. I feel like an abject failure.

[emilyscheel]

I need a therapist.

[emilyscheel]

I’ve ruined it. Feel like I am always the problem. I don’t know how to fix it. Want to die. Only because of myself. Just gotta fight the feeling.

[emilyscheel]

Tired. Just so tired.

[emilyscheel]

I don’t think he finds me attractive anymore..

[emilyscheel]

Are you still with me just because of what we’ve built…

[emilyscheel]

Well. I sent out my texts for the day and felt fine for once then I get a random one and feel all a whirl again. Feel like I fucked up as always.

[emilyscheel]

Panicking about the new job feeling like I don’t want to do it. But terrified of not doing it anymore.