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me: the weather is changing and it's like yeah, i know it does this every year, but i wish it just stayed colder. all this heat and humidity is really messing with me.

friend who wants to put me in a machine that crushes me into a pancake for sexual reasons and is trying to play the long game but is rapidly losing patience: hahah so true

ant hiding in my wallet who is sentient and trying to kill me: do you think he's onto us

another ant who is friends with the first ant and also wants to sexually crush him in a big machine: hgow must tensile strength can your carapace withstand

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are we even trying to make posts anymore

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Valve developer voice: Well in this part, we were going to have them explain how to cure cancer. And it really took a lot of time and money, I mean, a just a ton of research. It took us two years to find the cure to cancer, and we were initially really excited to reveal it to the world. But when playtesters played it it, they found it really confusing and complex, so we threw it away. I'm sure somewhere out there we still have the cure to cancer on a drive, but I don't think anyone knows where it is.

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123movies & putlocker provide more for the people of this country than the army has ever

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Not to be a commie but “don’t live outside your means” is kind of horrifying advice when you think about it

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customer service is cooking my brain, man

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🤗 i dont like this emoji. this is not a hug to me. this is someone doing condescending jazz hands in my general direction when i am in need of affection. not comforting.

🫂 i love this emoji. this is a hug. we are hugging and its nice. and as a special bonus they appear to be my old friends from the msn messenger logo? very comforting.

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Being the only bi cis guy amongst almost exclusively trans friends and peers is wild because in theory its like im living in a horny manga where all of a dudes friends turn into hot babes, but in reality they are hunting me like the last bison on the prairie. 5 years ago I mentioned bionicle and one of them asked when I was starting estrogen.

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Real asf This is literally the realest shit anyones ever said

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“Permanently Changed,” Alex Krokus

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Listen to me if that robot you've been chatting up reveals that they used to be a human, they do NOT want to hear you start talking about "from the moment I know the weakness of the flesh" or whatever, that's a personal and important thing to reveal about their past

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the concept of "getting the ick" is so innately seinfeldian that it's crazy that it was coined in the 2020s and not on a season 6 episode of seinfeld where elaine gets the ick from a guy she's dating who makes too big a deal out of celebrating his birthday

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Best twitter interaction I've seen in a long time

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your kin once identified as farlanders

in other words...... thinking about how a suggested name for endermen was "farlanders"