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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Love Should Make You Smile

Nobody can tell me how I feel for me. Sure they can feel how they want about me and I’m open to hear what people have to say, but I know myself best. Pshhh cocky much? No, I’m just confident, there’s a difference. If you feel the need to make everyone around you accept your opinion, or if you feel like you need validation from everybody, you should take a moment to reflect. Are you worried about how people view you? No I’m not. You could be my mother, girlfriend, friend, or stranger….it’s not that your opinion doesn’t matter to me….it’s just a matter of being an independent and creative thinker. In order to live a genuine life, I must control it by the decisions I make. I can not let other people make decisions for me anymore. I am an adult and I am fully responsible for myself. If I lived a life that was made to make my parents happy, I wouldn’t be happy. I already tried that. Out of guilt and shame, seeing my parents suffer made me try to make them happy. In the end I was the one suffering, constantly fighting and sacrificing myself for them. Right before I turned 18 I decided to leave my parents house and beliefs. I was ready to follow my own path. My parents didn’t understand and still struggle to but, I can’t be responsible for how other people feel, it’s far out of my control. I can only let them know how I genuinely feel…the rest is up to them. I’ve never been happier since. I freed myself from mental chains. I had been waiting long for the day I could legally become my own entity and have full control of my life. I couldn’t even wait. I was 17 just a few months from 18 and my parents didn’t stop me. They realized they tried their whole life for me to live the life they wanted, but I still wasn’t having it, they knew they couldn’t stop me anymore. I’ve never seen my dad cry more than the moment I left the house and the religion I was raised in. He told me if I didn’t follow his beliefs and follow his rules that I wasn’t allowed to live there. That wasn’t going to stop me. As much as I knew my parents were going through one of the toughest experiences, myself included, I had to stay true to myself because deep down, I knew what I wanted and what I NEEDED. Life is all about sacrifice. How much are you willing to sacrifice for the people and things you love? Love yourself above all else. If you don’t love yourself, you will find it extremely hard to love the people around you and for them to love you back. It’s challenging to sacrifice things or people we love to ensure we stay true to our own feelings. Rest assured this is not selfish. You live alone and die alone. When the reaper comes for you, how will you feel in your last moments on earth? Will you be smiling because you lived your best life? Or will you be sad knowing you didn’t live your life to the fullest? I think about this everyday. I want every decision I make to bring me closer to my highest self. I want to go out of this world with a smile on my face.

You pull out the biggest smile out of me. You know how to because you KNOW me. Being on your stage and in your spotlight makes me smile and cry at the same time. I’m the happiest when I’m with you and I’m the saddest when I have to walk away. But you’re always with me, ALWAYS. When life calls and we temporarily have to go our separate ways, I stay open like 7/11. I’m waiting to see your face again as soon as you leave my sight. I still see and feel you. Your texts make my heart beat fast and slow at the same time, butterfly’s in my stomach as I anxiously wait for your energy to reach me. But your energy is always at my finger tips. I can feel your soft skin, my hands running across your beautiful elegant curves. I can smell your hair as my hands run through the silky strands. I can feel your warmth from your body as you cuddle up to me naked and vulnerable. I hear your voice as soon as I wake up and right before I go to sleep. I can hear your laugh bounce around in my head like a bouncy ball. Visions of your perfect smile haunt me as I viciously wonder how your anatomy naturally is so perfect to me, bringing tears to my eyes because you are the prettiest creation I’ve ever seen. When I look at the stars, I think of you. When I’m in complete darkness I still see you. When you’re out of sight, you somehow become visible, like invisible ink, you write over my heart in secret code in a way so complex…your love spells can’t be broken. Your love keeps me safe. Your love feels magical. I was brainwashed to think magic wasn’t real, but you are living proof magic IS REAL. I would be foolish to deny that your love naturally has supernatural power over me. Oh you are much stronger than you think. You make the strongest, most confident man weak to my knees, you wash away my ego when I need it most. You hold me down when I’m being a beast and not a beauty. Please princess, be my sleeping beauty, I promise to love and protect you before, and after death. You feel my spirit, control my mind, and you’ve captured my heart. Baby just push me to start, I haven’t been my wisest, no I haven’t been smart…but when you push me around you always bring me back to the start…forcing me to remember why you belong in my heart. My love for you is so strong a fracture or a break couldn’t relate. You’re love is so stable it keeps me standing through earthquakes, shifting the plates of my mind until I am safe. Memories made with you in the coldest winters keep me cool in the hottest summers, and your body keeps me hot like a campfire on a cold winter night. You introduced me to a universe I’ve never seen before. You’ve guided me through love like the stars in the sky. You are my the map to myself that is always there when I look up, and baby, I’m driving straight to you. The mutual attraction between us is accelerating us at high speeds through the galaxies, guiding us until we meet again. You aren’t just a piece of matter to me…you are the only thing that matters to me. My life depends on your love and I want it….I NEED IT….like a bowl in the morning, you are the first thing I need and I can’t function well without you. I can function, but at a much lower frequency. I want to breath in your love with my deepest breath, and give you something back, something back you will never forget. MY LOVE 🤍 ♾ 🖤

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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A Bundle of Flowers

Whenever I’m lost or distracted, I always come back to what feels like home 💜 🐈

I could be obsessive, but what I know more is that I LOVE YOU

Not to be selfish, you can have the time you need, but please don’t forget me, you left me on my knees 🙏

You’re so hot you make me sweat, you work me out to be my best 😈🥵

Hi, what’s your name?

I’m Broken

Why is your name Broken?

Because you are my fix ;)

You make me forget about all the bad things….I don’t think that’s a bad thing

If we lose control, I’ll put two hands on the wheel like when I put two hands on your waist. I’ll take the lead I just need you to follow my pace. When your ready we can come together and integrate. Two minds behind the wheel, one love moving us into space.

When I’m on my own, I’m constantly reminded why you are the one for me.

Your voice paints such a pretty picture in my head….I’m just the record player, you are the work of art.

You are the sound track to my life, you play in my head all of the the time.

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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All the flowers are pretty to me, but you are different than you look. You are gorgeous

I can miss you,

but I can’t live without you.

You have to show me you’re sorry.

Lies are like smoke. It will eventually disappear.

I feel like a ghost, you don’t even see me anymore

Im dead to you, I don’t want to be me anymore

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Numb

I feel numb today which is probably the best thing that could happen for me. The less I feel right now, the easier for me to continue with my life. It not that I don’t care anymore, it’s that now I have the truth and I’m ready to move forward. Being sad is only going to hinder me at this point. Im a fucking king. If people can’t treat me how I deserve to be treated then that’s on them and vice versa. I’m exactly where I deserve to be. Life is great, I’m alive and healthy moving on a path of growth again. You can’t hurt me anymore, im too focused on accomplishing my dreams regardless who is by my side. It’s me, myself, from start to finish.

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Your Best Needs To Be Better

Fuckkk. Today is very painful for me….I’m losing a grip and I’m being tossed where I deserve to be. It’s the landing that hurts as my body slams the ground. I know I’m critically hurt but I’m not sure how bad this will effect me in the long run. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Yes I’ll be okay and I’ll get over it, but right now it’s not what I want or wanted. I’m letting the reality soak in my bones as I accept defeat of trying to change it. I just want to do me. I need control and stability in my life. I seem to find that when I’m alone….I know I have much to work on but, now more than ever, I feel very overwhelmed and unworthy. I’m not sure how I got this way but I did, and I need serious help to recover. I need time to heal and sit with my feelings of pain and heartbreak to proceed and push through them. I have to distract myself and look away from what distracts me so I can correctly run my course. I’m not sure I want to love again anytime soon. I’d rather be in love with myself and live happily ever after. A free spirit. I’ve only become stronger from all the hardships I’ve experienced. This will be no different. I will come out so much stronger when this is all over. My confidence isn’t hurt, my heart is hurt. The pain I can’t run away from, so I just need a moment to let it flow through me to flush it out of my system. Im so tired of holding back my true feelings because I don’t want other people to get hurt. I don’t hate people, I hate lies.

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Elevate

I elevate myself with grace. I could never be one to stay low on my face. We all trip and get scared or scraped. Right now I’m down but I’m not making complaints. That’s the difference between you and I. I make an effort to be my best, you make an effort to cry on my chest. I can feel your pain, but do you feel my love? It’s hard to see when when your not looking from above. You can’t keep up, but you can feel the air as I pass painting like a brush. Don’t run away from the feeling, the feeling of love….If you run, I’ll be running 1st place…. just to show you love is really worth the chase.

My head hurts man. Like idk if it’s a migraine but it feels like one. It’s hard to stay focused when my mind has lingering physical pain. I want to make some music, but I honestly don’t feel inspired with this headache. It’s also pretty hot today, so maybe my body is still adjusting to the climate change. I’m going to try to write some music once the weather cools off tonight. I’m getting the vibe I should take it easy and do things that are stress relieving. I have been pretty stressed lately.

You love to fuck me. but do you love to love me? Last time I was between your thighs it felt like you were avoiding seeing me. Does the darkness make it easier for you to forget me? Are you scared of my reflection revealing the real you? You keep coming back for my dick and my energy, but then you run away from me…. What are you scared of? I already know what you really are. At the end of the day I just want you to be proud of who you are. Stop looking for validation from others and validate yourself. I can at least be proud of the things I do and of the things I’ve done. I know who I was and I know who I am. Don’t forget, actions speak louder than words.

So I ended up going to the gym today. The first time in months. I’ve been in the gym less than I count on my fingers in the last year. I’m so happy I forced myself to walk through the door and stick to my work out plan. It’s funny because every time I walk out that door, I feel so good about myself as a whole. It’s crazy how much of an impact our body has on our mind. I took a nap earlier when my headache was at its peak. I woke up with it, but at some point tonight it went away. I took myself out for a date and saw Top Gun Maverick. I remember watching the original with my dad when I was a kid. I enjoyed the new one. I’m looking forward to when I can watch movies I love with my future kids for the first time 🖤

Some days I write more than others. At the end of the day, I just want to be consistent with my writing even if it’s just a sentence. So far I’m very proud of myself for sticking to my goals and crushing them. Never stop challenging yourself!

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Star Struck

When I’m around you, it feels like time isn’t real. Time can pass us by, but when we reunite, it feels like no time has passed at all. It’s hard on my heart whenever we depart, and even worse when you decide to do it first. But I get it. We don’t have to fall apart just because we are at different parts, of our lives chasing our own fortunes and stars. I love you and want you in my life, so why would I think twice about loving you for life? I miss you more than I could miss myself, that’s why I stay in your orbit, adapting to your shape and self. You can distance me as far as you can imagine, I will still be around you tightly like a hug from a ghost. I just hope you don’t forget me, because I’m up in your face like the Washington Post. I just really fucking care about you. If you cut me off, I will still remember you and keep my door unlocked. For whenever you need a true friend, your contact could never be blocked.

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Distant

Growing up, I learned to hate working with my dad. It wasn’t that I didn’t like or appreciate work. I was lucky enough to have my dad take me to Mexico from a very early age, which helped me realize the importance of hard work and finding happiness in the simple things of life. My dad fought relentlessly to make sure my mom and I had a roof over our heads, clothes, and food to eat. I couldn’t ask for more really. My dad was very forceful with his ideas which he did directly push onto me. Even though it was tough growing up with him, I grew to appreciate the good things he instilled in me. One of them being a hard worker. I don’t have much patience for people who sit around and complain about their situation. Don’t get me wrong at times people really be going through some fucked up shit, but if you are genuinely being lazy and not getting off your ass to make your situation better, please just shut the fuck up. It’s ok to have a shitty job, we all have to go through being in places we don’t want to in order to reach our ultimate goal. It’s quite humbling to work somewhere we wouldn’t choose to. It will force you to become a stronger more versatile person, and who knows, you might pick up some new skills and make lasting connections you will carry over into your own profession. I myself had to work many places I didn’t want to before getting a job I actually kinda wanted. Now I’m lucky enough to focus on my own business and manage running that, and I still have to work side jobs to supplement my income. I learned to find the good in every work experience, but sometimes we have to walk away from situations that are problematic for our own sanity. I can’t stress enough how important it is to me to have a positive work environment. Most of us have to work 9-5 5 days a week or even more. Being in a positive space during all that time has a great influence on who we are in our day to day lives. At times we don’t have any choice but to roll through the mud and block bad energy as best we can when surrounded by it. Remember why it is your working so hard and putting yourself through this….you are working towards something much bigger and better for you. Stay focused.

Have you ever had a gut feeling somebody was lying straight to your face? Im sure we all have at some point, and it fucking sucks. Being told something one day and then seeing a whole other reaction to what was previously said, is a huge slap in the face. I feel like a major reason why people lie to to others is because they are lying to themselves subconsciously. It’s a coping mechanism. “Oh, you feel guilty for doing that? Pshhh don’t feel guilty you didn’t really do it. “ “Oh, you’re hurting someone? You’re not really hurting them! You are not responsible for anyone but your self, don’t care about them, care about you”. Before we know it, we are tricked by our own mind, we build an illusion to fit around our needs without considering other peoples feelings and needs. All this lying just makes us feel less responsible for our actions. At the end of the day, I want to be held 100% accountable for my actions wether it’s good or bad. If I did something that was good, of course I want to be proud of that and I want people to know I did that. If I did something that was bad, I want to be held just as accountable. I don’t find shame in being someone who fucks up sometimes. We ALL fuck up, it’s in our nature. So why does it have to be so hard for us to accept when we did something wrong? We become so proud when we do good things, it’s like we want people to think we are perfect and that we never make mistakes. If you are around someone who claims to be flawless and denies to take personal responsibility, don’t be surprised when they lie to you. Don’t treat yourself any different. When we realize we have done something bad, be a greater version of yourself and step up to the plate with confidence. Accept that you did something wrong and use your energy to adapt to your new self awareness. Don’t fight yourself with lies…they will always come crumbling down on you.

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Left 4 Dead

Fuck everybody. I’m not usually one to be so pessimistic, but fuck, I feel like dying today. My stomach feels like the chaos in the world around me. It’s sickening. I feel weak because I am weak. I know suicide isn’t the right answer, it’s the easy way out. So I sit in my misery frantically finding ways to get myself out of this black hole. I know I can and will, but right now, I don’t even have the energy to do much for myself…it’s almost easier to let the chaos spin me around and let it spit me out naturally so I don’t burn what’s left of my energy trying to fight it. In the meantime, I’ll reserve my energy and focus on myself until the natural forces of the universe lead me on a path of growth again. Once I find it, I will unleash all of my energy and fly far far down that path chasing the happiness that’s rightfully mine. Some battles aren’t meant to be won….some we have to walk away from.

Anything can happen. Seriously….ANYTHING. So I don’t even know why I’m still in shock, but I am. I didn’t think the people I “knew” would have it in them, but it seems their ego is in control, the devil himself, steering their poor souls into a path of pure darkness.

In previous parts of my life, I’ve become forceful with my thoughts. Other times, I’ve been too neutral when people in need really needed my help. Understanding there is a time and place for everything, I eventually realized that I had to keep balance. There IS a time to fight, but we MUST pick our battles wisely. It’s a tricky game, sometimes we feel like we are confidently flipping the right card, but BE CAREFUL, because at anytime, our overconfidence could kick us in the teeth. Don’t ever be a version of yourself that will watch and not take appropriate action when something bad you’re aware of is happening right in front of you. We aren’t here to watch what will happen and hope for the best….we are here to take action. Why do you think we have a physical body? To help facilitate our action in this universe filled with objects that will need constant rearranging. Yes, nature will aways run it’s course, moving matter where it needs to be and winning us over, but why should we fight with nature instead of learning to harmonize with it? I’ve always been a fighter, but before I lacked the wisdom and confidence of knowing when it’s the right time to fight. I will always fight to the death for the people I love ☠️

Watching you get hurt in anyway is like touching my pupil with a needle. I take it very personal. Pain, sadness, anger, vengeance, grief, and guilt are a few emotions that rise high to the surface for me. At anytime I would take a bullet to protect the people close to me. But sometimes I physically can’t be in your presence to do so. Sometimes the grim reaper gets what he wants before we ever have a say or a chance to defend ourselves. I’m a strong believer of eternal life force, your spirit you could say. Our life on this earth starts and ends with a body, but what about our spirit? Just like the physical body, it’s will be broken down with time eventually being a part of something new. In any form, I don’t believe our spirit will be wasted. We might not remember anything from before, just like we didn’t remember anything before our birth on this earth, but our energy will continue to hold value in some way or form. But hey, who really knows? No one is really here to tell us the story of life after death. I’m naturally attracted to the Egyptian belief, that all our choices and actions in this realm will directly affect where our spirit goes after death. They were strong believers of the afterlife and spirits, performing very long and sacred rituals in this lifetime to prepare them for the next one. This theory is very interesting to say the least, but I find it quite fascinating.

At the end of the day, we all have beliefs regardless if we do or do not believe in God. Having some form of belief is essential to our mental sanity, but what about faith? How much faith do you have in what you believe is to be real? Faith doesn’t come naturally. It’s something we genuinely have to look for and fight to find. I grew up in a very religious house hold since birth. I was taught and told exactly what my parents did and didn’t believe in, but I never had faith in it myself. Sure, there were bits and pieces that genuinely made sense, but as a whole, I did not have any genuine faith in their belief system. My dad forced me to follow his beliefs until I could legally think for myself. I couldn’t even wait, I was 17 just months away from turning 18, and my dad gave up trying to force me to believe. I flipped my whole life around after that point. I finally had full control of MY life. It’s been 9 years now, and I couldn’t have felt any better or have any more confidence about the choice of leaving my family behind to chase who I was truly destined to be. Everything I thought I knew to be real came crashing down on top of me leaving me with just ruble, hardly breathing. But I survived, slowly building my own belief system from the ground up. Sometimes I would place blocks of faith, I realized later, that I no longer believed in anymore. So I took those blocks back out and found new blocks that fit into that space perfectly, further strengthening my faith as a whole. I honestly would rather have 1 strong block in my foundation, rather than a tower of broken or breaking blocks. How strong could that tower really be when weight is applied to it? I’ve realized I always need to remain open minded in order to not stunt my spiritual growth. I don’t take pride in “my” beliefs, I take pride in knowing and spreading truth. The absolute truth can never be proven wrong. We might have an illusion, or perspective, of absolute truth. But anything not from the genuine core of absolute truth will be flawed. Naturally there are moments in life where we notice our beliefs could be flawed. All that means is that we have to adjust our beliefs to mold around the truth we currently know. There is no shame in not knowing, but there is shame in knowing and choosing to ignore. Don’t ignore your feelings! You’re feelings will give you much truth when they are felt and expressed.

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Confusion Hill

Sometimes I’m confused, like really confused. Have you ever felt that way? It’s in moments of confusion where our integrity to who we truly are is tested. In the past, due to fear, I’ve run away in moments I’m tested to my limits. The universe is patient but it’s only a matter of time before it will catch up to you. The truth is already waiting for us. We can’t beat it to the finish, we can only run away from it. If we hang onto feelings too long we won’t have room for others to flow through us. I feel like humans get stuck so to speak because they can eventually hold so many feelings that they don’t feel anything else. Think about water flowing through a faucet. With time, It could clog on either end and that would lead to a stop in the flow of water or an overflow of emotions. I feel my best when I am able to express my self consistently to maintain a healthy flow of emotions. I feel my worst when I bottle my emotions to the point where I feel like I’m going to explode 🤯 At the end of the day, what helps me feel less confused, is expressing my honest feelings about the situation and then letting them go. If I want to move forward I have to accept my feelings for what they truly are and then leave them in the past to make room for more to come. I promise you, greater things will come. I know your scared, but it’s time to let go….you have a beautiful journey ahead of you 👣

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Fuck Church

How much time before it’s too much time to be thinking about you? I can’t help but think about you even when I don’t try to throughout my 24 hours. Is that a bad thing? Is it bad to have a smile on my face?

It’s interesting how certain “random” occurrences happen when we least expect it, but when it does, it feels like it couldn’t have happened at a better time. I find myself experiencing experiences like this more often. It’s interesting to think about the parts of my timelines that experiences like these did not happen often. In contrast to now, I felt very enslaved and suffocated, on very rare occasions getting a glimpse of my serenity. I am now in a much farther place then I was during those times and im pushing to go farther with more integrity and overall energy. I want to feel like I am in sync with the world around me.

So I saw my dad today. I don’t think he has seen me in over a year face to face. I know I reeked of some good herb and he definitely noticed lol. My parents are super religious and I pulled up wearing a hat with a blue butterfly that says “Fuck Off” 😂 My dads face when he first opened the door was as if he saw the devil himself. I couldn’t help but smile, almost smirk, because I’ve never seen my dad look at me like that before. The old me would feel embarrassed and ashamed from my dads reaction but nowadays I couldn’t give a fuck what ANYBODY thinks about me. I walked away with 4 of his computers so I could fix them. People won’t fuck with you but will still need you lmao so funny

Sometimes, when I’m driving, I don’t want to listen to any music. I just want to sit In silence and admire the world around me. I’ve lived in the same area for the last 26 years of my life….I still find new things I hadn’t seen before. It reminds me of when I listen to your voice, I could listen to you for infinity and beyond.

If it was an emergency, would you go over the speed limit? I’ll admit, I’ve done it when it wasn’t an emergency. That’s how I got my first ticket. It was Sunday and I was driving with my Grandma who was visiting from Mexico. I was already late, so I was in a hurry to get to there. Within 5 minutes after coming down a steep hill I see cop lights behind me. He caught me going 86 but thankfully ticketed me for 81. I was so embarrassed I got pulled over taking my grandma to church. My dad was pissed the fuck off when I came to church after telling him why I was extra late after getting a ticket. He asked me, “How could you get pulled over with your grandma in the car with you?”. I told him “You told me not to be late to church”. He didn’t talk to me for a few hours after that. I was 16 and still learning how to drive, but at the time, I didn’t value the loved ones around me enough to consider their safety. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how fast we are going, when someone else is with us in the car, it becomes your responsibility for anything bad that may occur even if it was an accident. That’s why I’m fighting for you. I would take a bullet for you if it meant keeping you out of harms way. I know my abuela got a good laugh out of all of it. After the cop gave me my ticket and the cop started walking away she asked me in Spanish, “Did he give you a ticket, son?”. I couldn’t help but laugh, she was so innocent and cute about it. I said “Yes abuela, I did”. We both smiled and chuckled. I love you abuela.

You can bet, when the future mother of my kids is about to give birth, I’ll be driving well over the speed limit to the hospital. It could be the one and only time I get to drive over the speed limit with my family.

After a long day I just want to relax. The way we all unwind is so different from person to person, but with you, the need is urgent.

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emmanueltheapostate · 2 years

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Butterfly Thots

What do you fight for? What are you willing to sacrifice? Who would you put your life on the line for?

Love comes in many different colors and flavors. But it’s not just what you see or taste…when you touch love, you can feel the different textures and physical forms it comes in too. So tell me, is love all the same?

Does it feel the same when he is next to you? When you see his face, does it remind you of me or does he make you feel something new and different?

Maybe the taste of something new on your tongue is exciting, giving you new ideas of what the future can hold, breaking down what you thought previously was unbreakable. But how easy am I to break down?

I am extremely sensitive on the inside. Every time I get hurt, I cry. Wether it’s tears falling down my face, or if it’s spending time having fun to forget about you….the pain is all the same, it’s just expressed in different forms at different times. So, is Love all the same?

I remember sitting in my parents garden, just an innocent boy, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my face as my skin becomes itchy from laying in the blades of green grass as the wind blows. I loved all the beautiful colors that spring and summer brought to our little oasis. Seeing all the beauty in nature around me gave me such a feeling of hope and inspiration. Gorgeous flowers in all different colors and shapes, trees with leaves I’ve never seen before, some giving us food and others simply rooted for our entertainment. I used to love climbing trees, well I guess I still do, I just haven’t done it since I became and “adult”.

Nothing ever stays the same…. It used to be depressing watching my parents hard earned paradise wash away. My dad would wake me up at 7:30 AM and force me to pick up the dead leaves in the garden when fall came around. I fucking hated getting up in the morning, especially when my dad was home. He felt like my worst enemy. That one bully that never leaves you alone and knows exactly how to make you mad. I remember when I was maybe 4 years old, I had the ritual of waking up alone in my room and yelling to my mom, “Mommmmm?” I would wait a few seconds anxiously waiting for her reply. “Yes Emmanuel?” She would reply from her room, there was only a bathroom in between my room and my parents. “Is dad working today?” My heart starts thumping as I wait for my moms reply. “No, today he’s home, it’s the weekend.” Whatever that meant, the weekend was hell for me. All I knew was that my dad was home all day. “Yayyyy! I’m so happy dad is home” my heart would sink every time I said that. I didn’t want to hurt my dads feelings, so at a very young age I chose to lie through my teeth about it.

Lies made me sick….a salty ocean in my stomach…why did I have to lie?? I was only 4 and I didn’t know a lot. I just knew I didn’t like feeling. I guess I couldn’t see what I couldn’t relate to. Like a dead zombie, I would slowly crawl out of bed, not saying a word, just knowing what I had to do. Get dressed, eat breakfast, and wait for my dad to tell me what work I had to do for the day. Work, I fucking hated work. My dad was a man that was very to himself, so was my mom, but there was such a big feeling of contrast between the two of them. They felt like two different worlds when I was alone with either of them, and it felt like a whole different world all together when the 3 of us shared our presence. I clearly knew I loved the world my mom and I shared the most. We didn’t even have to say a word to each other, I felt at peace when I was with her. I think it’s safe to assume I’m a mommas boy, and I’m proud of it. The more time I spent with my dad, the more sour I became. I guess my mom loved me for who I was and my dad only loved the version of me he saw, not what I was. For some reason the memory of my dad beating my mother comes to surface right now. I had to be only 3 years old, at the time, my father worked at the mill in Scotia. I don’t remember much, but my dad was really really drunk. When I would open the fridge, there were always several beers stocked on the side door. That night my mother was laying on the couch wrapped up in a blanket. All I really remember in this memory was my dad yelling and beating on my mom. I was sitting in the couch across from her not really understanding why these things were happening, but I was scared. My mom was defenseless, bringing the blanket over her face for protection as my dad continues to beat her with his hand, the other holding a can of beer…I’m not sure how many he already had, I knew it was a lot though.

Right now in this very moment as I’m writing this, I feel very sad….hurt….and disappointed in myself. I feel like I’ve failed love itself. I feel stupid like a dysfunctional computer with a bunch of errors that can’t update itself. I’m stuck left to figure it out myself, wether I drown or fail, no one is here for me, it’s my problem to fix. Nobody can fix me. But that’s the beauty of it all. We were all designed to break. That’s why I hated working in the garden when everything was dying. All the vivid lively colors and smells of spring were now gone and I’m left picking up it’s dead remains.

You’re so beautiful to me I have to look away to not naturally get distracted from your even more beautiful words. You’re beauty never dies, so unfortunately, I can’t look at you forever. I have my own path to follow.

No matter where you are I just wanna know that you’re smiling. The whole world brightens up when your spirit shines through it….

It took me many life lessons to understand the beauty of death and imperfection. Understanding it was only a matter of time when my death comes for me, I struggled with the idea of being imperfect from start to finish. I didn’t want to be imperfect, I wanted to be the best. Life will drill experiences into you until you understand no one is perfect and I don’t think we should be. If we were all perfect, we would have no struggles right? Without struggle there is no growth. I’m not interested in not growing…I get very anxious and sad when I feel like I’m not putting myself to use for the better. There’s been many times in my life where I felt stagnant, I’d say that’s when I became the most toxic. If I didn’t leave my parents religion I was brought up in, I don’t think I would have felt any better. Everything changed once I took control of MY life. Everything I thought I knew, came crumbling down onto me and leaving me buried, will I be able to escape the debris just to start all over again? Do I even want to?

That’s the power of love, it always finds you when you need it the most. It’s not a matter of “where is the love?”, it’s all around us. It’s a matter of opening up, putting our walls down, seeing it, and inviting love to come to us. Who wants to go to a home uninvited?

Love can be scary, but once we find it, it becomes harmful to not let it in. We’ve waited and worked so hard to find it, why give up now? Unlike anger, love doesn’t get mad at us when we deny it. Sometimes we aren’t ready to take it, but it understands and keeps trying anyways. Love overpowers ALL things.

My dad is a different man now. I believe his religion and his god saved him from his darkest demons. I guess that’s one reason I don’t remember that memory of my dad abusing my mom so much because he made dramatic changes. The changed man he became was the dad I remember growing up with. How mad can I be for how my dad treated my mom? Don’t get me wrong it pisses me off. I don’t like anybody hurting anyone. But how could I hold resentment and anger towards him after he proved he has changed and is capable of making changes? I used to hate my dad for many many reasons but, nowadays I’ve learned to accept and forgive him. This has brought much peace to my heart I never lose hope that he will one day want to have a relationship with his only son one day. Who wouldn’t want to see a dead loved one? Just as much as much my door stays open for them to walk into my life, I have the same door wide open if they don’t want to be here. It’s been like that for me from the beginning. I don’t want to force anything on anybody. It feels much better when we do things because we love to. I love myself too much for people to hurt me anymore. Do as you please. I promise you won’t hurt me 🖤

#journal #random #inspiration

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