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Well he finally told me he loves me. After 2 years of dating. And I had to say something. So naturally I feel like I forced him to. I wanted it to happen genuine but I wanted him to say it first ya know? So our anniversary was approaching midnight and I wanted it to be said before we had sex. I thought I would say it but instead I went with āyou know itās been 2 years and you havenāt told me how you feel about me yet.ā To which he said āyouāre a pain in my butt, get naked.ā So I internally panic and proceed to have sex with him. Then afterwards I cry lol. We are cuddling and he makes me be the little spoon. AND THEN he says it. Obviously I said it back. And since that day he hasnāt said it. I said it to him once but nothing after that. So that of course doesnāt make me feel great. He did tell me he had it planned for weeks that he was going to say it that night before we went to sleep. His plan was for it to be all romantic but then I said what I said. Which thatās cute but also just makes me think and over think. Like why wait? He mentioned he was ready, so was he not before? Maybe just scared? Idk.
So now Iām sitting here at almost 5am and he isnāt in bed. He got up maybe an hour ago? Iām unsure. I heard him go into the spare room but then come out. My mind is racing. One night he wasnāt able to sleep and he went and slept on the couch. He says his mind races and canāt get comfortable. So naturally itās happening again and I think itās because of me or something. So here I am writing on this because I woke up, canāt sleep, and my mind is thinking about all the worst case scenarios. Do I go out there and ask if heās okay? If I go out there and heās asleep now what? I wonāt even say my worst thought.
Good news though, he was poking my belly button which I think feels weird and he does it to mess with me. He said I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. So I freaking hope that means heās going to marry me. Anyway. I guess let me try to go back to sleep.
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Okay but also, I found out he took this girl Kat to Bob and Shanaās wedding. Kat is this model person whoever that he knows. I know he had peaches next to her name in his phone. I assumed probably they might have had something in the past. They donāt often like each otherās Instagram posts. I bet that ālittle manā thing on his calendar is about her kid and what days she has him. She liked my picture once and then unliked it. Pretty sure his tattoo used her eyes/face for inspiration. He knows I know of her because he has photos of her on his photography page. Heās even mentioned her to me before. But just now I was trying to clean and I found a freaking quiz he gave her before she got to enter his house. Lol. I donāt feel the best about it. But also this shit happened well before me. He did say he hadnāt had sex in a year so like maybe it didnāt end well? But also he aināt give me no quiz. It just seems like something you do when youāre really into someone. But again, he is with me right now. Iām moving in with him. Ay yei yei. It seems he only uses his photography page to like her stuff. He even gave her a cutting board last year while we were dating or whatever. So Iām just curious what the fuck their relationship was. But it doesnāt matter. As long as he aināt entertaining that shit.
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My person!
We are moving in together soon! Oh and he definitely loves me. He played Disney music while we were cleaning out his kitchen lol
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I didnāt want to say it out loud because I donāt want it to be true or anything. But Iām worried. He likes a lot of young girls pictures. He is also texting a āJordan Cowboysā and itās pissing me off.
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Not going to lie I am so scared. He is just so wonderful. I think heās so attractive and he could get anyone he wants. He likes girls pictures a lot. And I just feel like he could go be with them if he wants. But again, he is spending his time with me. But Iām also worried he doesnāt want to share me. Like the posts I tag him in or post his own pictures. He did share me on his photography page. He didnāt delete the tag I put of him though. Iām just nervous. I like him so so much. Like I think he actually sees a future with me. I really hope so. I mean we did start out with him saying he wanted to date other people but then he chose me. I honestly love him. Heās amazing. He actually asked me about if I were to move in with a guy if I have to be married first. So thatās so incredibly exciting. Like I would move in with him Iām pretty sure. Idk. Iām just nervous and excited and happy.
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How the hell do I stop thinking about this SaĆŗl situation? Like why canāt I stop thinking about him or talking about him? All I did today was talk about him. Like yes all this stuff happened yesterday so I guess itās fresh in my mind. Idk I guess I feel hurt? Twice this girl dates the men I was interested in and wanted something with. Like what are the odds. Idk just feels bad. And the fact that she really likes him and he sucks. But he tells her he doesnāt want to date other people and tells her she canāt date other people. And itās been 19 days. Get the fuck out of here. Idk why it pisses me off. Like I feel selfish for sure. Like I want him to not date and be miserable? But like no not really. It makes me feel good knowing heās so distraught about me I guess. But like Iām so happy with DK though. Like so so happy. Why do I like talking about negative stuff? Like why canāt I stop? Everything just really sucked. The way he talked to me. How he couldnāt accept that I care about him and want the best for him or Iām being genuine. The fact he called me shallow and inconsiderate and selfish and immature. When he is the immature one. I apologized to him. And yet it is still consuming me. I want it to stop. Please stop. Like Iāve blocked him on everything. Even his phone number. I canāt still see his tweets. And if I didnāt look at Venmo I would have never known he was at the bar tonight. Like did he see me? Did he know I was there? Does he see on Venmo too? Itās just wild how we were both there and didnāt see each other. Like what are those odds? I am glad I didnāt see him. I was scared of that happening because I didnāt know how it would go. A little nervous but I had a good time. I still feel weird. Idk why. I guess I just hate that it isnāt peaceful. And I hate blocking people. Like I kinda want him to watch my stuff. But idk why that would make me feel better? He clearly has been paying attention. He knows DK is number 5 and the bread man. I mean he doesnāt know his name but he knows Iām dating him. I think this feeling will go away. I hope it does. I donāt want to think about it when Iām with DK. And I was yesterday and this morning. The apology helped. But being at the bar kinda sparked something. And telling Sami. Itās amazing how smart Shelby is. She also can see that he is just projecting. And I need to remind myself that. Like he is clearly upset that he didnāt do it right with me. He said he loved me. And I just canāt believe that. How can you love someone and not tell them? How can you love someone and treat them the way he treated me? I love DK and I kinda think he loves me and he treats me way better than any man Iāve ever been with has. Usually when I watch church it feels better. Man idk. God please help me not think about this anymore. I just want to move on and be happy with DK and thatās it. God help me.
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We did a photoshoot for my birthday! 29 today! Heās meeting my parents at dinner tonight and heās a little nervous lol. Iām excited! And I think heās my boyfriend but still not sure haha. I think Iāll ask him tomorrow maybe. He did call me his chick on Sunday so it might be official and I just donāt know it lol.
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He invited me to Christmas! I got to see his family again, and help make their traditional ravioli! It was so fun. He even took pictures of me. It was just really special to be apart of it. I got to open presents with the family. He got me 2 gifts. Orlando City car decals and unreleased leggings. His mom got me a gift too. I felt so special. I even met his dad. Which I realize where he gets his dirty mind from lol. His mom called me his girl so that was good. And we are spending New Years together! We are going to Bob and Shanaās and Iām so excited. He said another couple was going to be there. Which does he mean another couple other than me and him or Bob and Shana? Lol. Anyway, Iām just excited to have my New Years kiss with him this year. And I hope for many years to come.
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Iām so happy. Iāve never felt this way about anyone. He took me to meet his family in Georgia a few weeks ago. It was amazing. Like I couldnāt believe it when he invited me. I ended up cancelling plans just to go with him. And it was just so great. The drive up. The way he looked at me. Sleeping next to him and not even in the same bed. Just the fact that like we just had to be touching. Playing euchre with his family and for the first time ever without him there helping me lol. They were impressed. His uncle said he liked me just because I was playing. I got his mom a bottle of Four Roses for her birthday and that went over so well. I feel like I bonded with people lol. Like we kind of knew each other or something. Just kind of gave each other a look if that even makes sense. I have the same birthday as 2 other people in the family. Like just such a great time. He said to me that Iām always smiling. And what? I have resting bitch face no way Iām always smiling. But I realized he thinks that because when I am with him I am always smiling. I love this man. I mean I think I do. Itās so different than Iāve ever felt. Like I guess I loved Blake but this feels way more than that. I donāt know if I really ever loved Mike. I think that entire relationship was just forced on his end and on my end. This 100% feels better than that. Lol. And Iām trying to pinpoint the moment where I knew? Like was it the day he invited me to wash cars? Or maybe the day he told me about his past? Or was it the moment he put his hand on my neck/ear to kiss me? Was it in Georgia? Like I know Iāve been saying I love him for the longest time. Like oh I can see such a wonderful life with him. I just wish I could tell you the exact moment. Like I am always smiling when I text him. When we text dirty or just regular. Maybe I knew the moment he said he liked me. Like so many amazing moments stand out to me. Like if this isnāt love, and thereās more to come wow I canāt even wait and I canāt even imagine whatās yet to come. Lol I want to cry just thinking about how happy I am. And like this isnāt even official yet. Or at least I donāt think so? Lol. Last I said I didnāt have a bf was Nov 24. But since then he told me he liked me, asked if we were getting to the point of meeting families, I met his family, I went to his baseball game, got called his gf at the gym. So like? I mean if he really doesnāt make anything official official soon, I will be asking him after my birthday. It will be after the 6 month mark. And I told myself I wouldnāt go 7 months without knowing where I stand with a man. Granted, I donāt feel as confused as I did with SaĆŗl ever. So thatās good at least. We shall see.
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