emmvee93

[emmvee93]

10/20 he said that he’s going to marry this girl 🥰

[emmvee93]

Well he finally told me he loves me. After 2 years of dating. And I had to say something. So naturally I feel like I forced him to. I wanted it to happen genuine but I wanted him to say it first ya know? So our anniversary was approaching midnight and I wanted it to be said before we had sex. I thought I would say it but instead I went with “you know it’s been 2 years and you haven’t told me how you feel about me yet.” To which he said “you’re a pain in my butt, get naked.” So I internally panic and proceed to have sex with him. Then afterwards I cry lol. We are cuddling and he makes me be the little spoon. AND THEN he says it. Obviously I said it back. And since that day he hasn’t said it. I said it to him once but nothing after that. So that of course doesn’t make me feel great. He did tell me he had it planned for weeks that he was going to say it that night before we went to sleep. His plan was for it to be all romantic but then I said what I said. Which that’s cute but also just makes me think and over think. Like why wait? He mentioned he was ready, so was he not before? Maybe just scared? Idk.

So now I’m sitting here at almost 5am and he isn’t in bed. He got up maybe an hour ago? I’m unsure. I heard him go into the spare room but then come out. My mind is racing. One night he wasn’t able to sleep and he went and slept on the couch. He says his mind races and can’t get comfortable. So naturally it’s happening again and I think it’s because of me or something. So here I am writing on this because I woke up, can’t sleep, and my mind is thinking about all the worst case scenarios. Do I go out there and ask if he’s okay? If I go out there and he’s asleep now what? I won’t even say my worst thought.

Good news though, he was poking my belly button which I think feels weird and he does it to mess with me. He said I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. So I freaking hope that means he’s going to marry me. Anyway. I guess let me try to go back to sleep.

[emmvee93]

He cleaned the inside of my car for my bday 😭

[emmvee93]

Okay but also, I found out he took this girl Kat to Bob and Shana’s wedding. Kat is this model person whoever that he knows. I know he had peaches next to her name in his phone. I assumed probably they might have had something in the past. They don’t often like each other’s Instagram posts. I bet that “little man” thing on his calendar is about her kid and what days she has him. She liked my picture once and then unliked it. Pretty sure his tattoo used her eyes/face for inspiration. He knows I know of her because he has photos of her on his photography page. He’s even mentioned her to me before. But just now I was trying to clean and I found a freaking quiz he gave her before she got to enter his house. Lol. I don’t feel the best about it. But also this shit happened well before me. He did say he hadn’t had sex in a year so like maybe it didn’t end well? But also he ain’t give me no quiz. It just seems like something you do when you’re really into someone. But again, he is with me right now. I’m moving in with him. Ay yei yei. It seems he only uses his photography page to like her stuff. He even gave her a cutting board last year while we were dating or whatever. So I’m just curious what the fuck their relationship was. But it doesn’t matter. As long as he ain’t entertaining that shit.

[emmvee93]

Happy New Year!

[emmvee93]

My man drunkenly said I’d be a good mama. Ugh I love him.

[emmvee93]

My person!

We are moving in together soon! Oh and he definitely loves me. He played Disney music while we were cleaning out his kitchen lol

[emmvee93]

Maybe he’s the love of my life. I’m so happy.

[emmvee93]

I didn’t want to say it out loud because I don’t want it to be true or anything. But I’m worried. He likes a lot of young girls pictures. He is also texting a “Jordan Cowboys” and it’s pissing me off.

[emmvee93]

Not going to lie I am so scared. He is just so wonderful. I think he’s so attractive and he could get anyone he wants. He likes girls pictures a lot. And I just feel like he could go be with them if he wants. But again, he is spending his time with me. But I’m also worried he doesn’t want to share me. Like the posts I tag him in or post his own pictures. He did share me on his photography page. He didn’t delete the tag I put of him though. I’m just nervous. I like him so so much. Like I think he actually sees a future with me. I really hope so. I mean we did start out with him saying he wanted to date other people but then he chose me. I honestly love him. He’s amazing. He actually asked me about if I were to move in with a guy if I have to be married first. So that’s so incredibly exciting. Like I would move in with him I’m pretty sure. Idk. I’m just nervous and excited and happy.

[emmvee93]

I am so happy!!!

[emmvee93]

[emmvee93]

I AM SO HAPPY! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

[emmvee93]

How the hell do I stop thinking about this Saúl situation? Like why can’t I stop thinking about him or talking about him? All I did today was talk about him. Like yes all this stuff happened yesterday so I guess it’s fresh in my mind. Idk I guess I feel hurt? Twice this girl dates the men I was interested in and wanted something with. Like what are the odds. Idk just feels bad. And the fact that she really likes him and he sucks. But he tells her he doesn’t want to date other people and tells her she can’t date other people. And it’s been 19 days. Get the fuck out of here. Idk why it pisses me off. Like I feel selfish for sure. Like I want him to not date and be miserable? But like no not really. It makes me feel good knowing he’s so distraught about me I guess. But like I’m so happy with DK though. Like so so happy. Why do I like talking about negative stuff? Like why can’t I stop? Everything just really sucked. The way he talked to me. How he couldn’t accept that I care about him and want the best for him or I’m being genuine. The fact he called me shallow and inconsiderate and selfish and immature. When he is the immature one. I apologized to him. And yet it is still consuming me. I want it to stop. Please stop. Like I’ve blocked him on everything. Even his phone number. I can’t still see his tweets. And if I didn’t look at Venmo I would have never known he was at the bar tonight. Like did he see me? Did he know I was there? Does he see on Venmo too? It’s just wild how we were both there and didn’t see each other. Like what are those odds? I am glad I didn’t see him. I was scared of that happening because I didn’t know how it would go. A little nervous but I had a good time. I still feel weird. Idk why. I guess I just hate that it isn’t peaceful. And I hate blocking people. Like I kinda want him to watch my stuff. But idk why that would make me feel better? He clearly has been paying attention. He knows DK is number 5 and the bread man. I mean he doesn’t know his name but he knows I’m dating him. I think this feeling will go away. I hope it does. I don’t want to think about it when I’m with DK. And I was yesterday and this morning. The apology helped. But being at the bar kinda sparked something. And telling Sami. It’s amazing how smart Shelby is. She also can see that he is just projecting. And I need to remind myself that. Like he is clearly upset that he didn’t do it right with me. He said he loved me. And I just can’t believe that. How can you love someone and not tell them? How can you love someone and treat them the way he treated me? I love DK and I kinda think he loves me and he treats me way better than any man I’ve ever been with has. Usually when I watch church it feels better. Man idk. God please help me not think about this anymore. I just want to move on and be happy with DK and that’s it. God help me.

[emmvee93]

We did a photoshoot for my birthday! 29 today! He’s meeting my parents at dinner tonight and he’s a little nervous lol. I’m excited! And I think he’s my boyfriend but still not sure haha. I think I’ll ask him tomorrow maybe. He did call me his chick on Sunday so it might be official and I just don’t know it lol.

[emmvee93]

He invited me to Christmas! I got to see his family again, and help make their traditional ravioli! It was so fun. He even took pictures of me. It was just really special to be apart of it. I got to open presents with the family. He got me 2 gifts. Orlando City car decals and unreleased leggings. His mom got me a gift too. I felt so special. I even met his dad. Which I realize where he gets his dirty mind from lol. His mom called me his girl so that was good. And we are spending New Years together! We are going to Bob and Shana’s and I’m so excited. He said another couple was going to be there. Which does he mean another couple other than me and him or Bob and Shana? Lol. Anyway, I’m just excited to have my New Years kiss with him this year. And I hope for many years to come.

[emmvee93]

I’m so happy. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. He took me to meet his family in Georgia a few weeks ago. It was amazing. Like I couldn’t believe it when he invited me. I ended up cancelling plans just to go with him. And it was just so great. The drive up. The way he looked at me. Sleeping next to him and not even in the same bed. Just the fact that like we just had to be touching. Playing euchre with his family and for the first time ever without him there helping me lol. They were impressed. His uncle said he liked me just because I was playing. I got his mom a bottle of Four Roses for her birthday and that went over so well. I feel like I bonded with people lol. Like we kind of knew each other or something. Just kind of gave each other a look if that even makes sense. I have the same birthday as 2 other people in the family. Like just such a great time. He said to me that I’m always smiling. And what? I have resting bitch face no way I’m always smiling. But I realized he thinks that because when I am with him I am always smiling. I love this man. I mean I think I do. It’s so different than I’ve ever felt. Like I guess I loved Blake but this feels way more than that. I don’t know if I really ever loved Mike. I think that entire relationship was just forced on his end and on my end. This 100% feels better than that. Lol. And I’m trying to pinpoint the moment where I knew? Like was it the day he invited me to wash cars? Or maybe the day he told me about his past? Or was it the moment he put his hand on my neck/ear to kiss me? Was it in Georgia? Like I know I’ve been saying I love him for the longest time. Like oh I can see such a wonderful life with him. I just wish I could tell you the exact moment. Like I am always smiling when I text him. When we text dirty or just regular. Maybe I knew the moment he said he liked me. Like so many amazing moments stand out to me. Like if this isn’t love, and there’s more to come wow I can’t even wait and I can’t even imagine what’s yet to come. Lol I want to cry just thinking about how happy I am. And like this isn’t even official yet. Or at least I don’t think so? Lol. Last I said I didn’t have a bf was Nov 24. But since then he told me he liked me, asked if we were getting to the point of meeting families, I met his family, I went to his baseball game, got called his gf at the gym. So like? I mean if he really doesn’t make anything official official soon, I will be asking him after my birthday. It will be after the 6 month mark. And I told myself I wouldn’t go 7 months without knowing where I stand with a man. Granted, I don’t feel as confused as I did with Saúl ever. So that’s good at least. We shall see.