emobanana22 - Tumblr blog

[emobanana22]

I haven’t vented here in awhile

But I’m so low right now and so shaken

I’ve been dealing with so much lately, and some health issues have come up and I’m so terrified

There’s no way this is all the life that I get, it’s not enough

— I don’t know how serious the health issue is, and I don’t want to be vague for attention, I just want to vent because I’m scared, and ironically I’m afraid I’m gonna die, when I’ve been begging for it for what feels like my whole life. I have barely seen anything outside of my hometown, I don’t know what being loved feels like, I’ve never seen a hockey game, I have not lived a life yet, I don’t want this to be all there is

[emobanana22]

Taking a trip alone is something so out of my comfort zone, but I’m planning a trip to PA, hopefully before the end of the year, and I’m so excited by the thought alone. If I have any mutuals in PA who’d maybe like to start talking more and meet up on my trip, I’d love that so much.

Anastasia takes over NEPA 2024

Tell the Squonk he’s my new best friend and I’m gonna get him

[emobanana22]

[emobanana22]

I want AFI merch so bad

If you wanna spend money on me for literally no reason just lmk baby

[emobanana22]

Me to my ka-Ching oinky oinks: you disgusting, pathetic, waste of a man

Me irl: *rehearsing for a conversation before talking to anyone* *sweating and shaking from anxiety* *tummy troubles because of anxiety* *stuttering while explaining myself* *crying when someone raises their voice to me* *asking others to call or order for me*

[emobanana22]

Does anyone wanna be muts (and maybe eventually penpals or something?) who can speak Finnish so I can practice? I speak English, but I’m trying to learn Finnish and I don’t imagine duolingo is enough to teach me lol

(Also I’m working on learning Italian, French, Norwegian, and German, so if anyone sees this and you speak one of those languages then please reach out if you’re interested!)

[emobanana22]

I know tumblr is pretty dead these days as far as bands using it to reach and grow an audience, but if any bands are still on here and see this, reach out so I can listen to you and maybe add you to my playlist

[emobanana22]

If you want to get something nice for mommy, here’s some ideas. Be good for mama, and get her the vanity or the phone because she deserves it.

[emobanana22]

It’s a joke, unless you don’t want it to be a joke 👀😌

[emobanana22]

I don’t think it’s in the cards for me to ever be loved.

Nobody is ever going to write poetry about the way my eyes sparkle, or how I feel like home.

Nobody is going to choose me, they’re never going to stick around, or hold me to their chest when I feel like I’m falling apart.

I don’t know what’s so wrong with me, that make’s nobody afraid to lose me.

I fall for people so easily, and they never catch me.

Bloody, broken, I still pick myself up, and I try again, and again, and again.

I think this time I’m just going to lay here.

I’ll let the vultures eat me alive, it’ll feel comforting, compared to the agony from the ever growing hole in my chest.

[emobanana22]

I know I’m in deep already cause I’m sitting here thinking about how nice it’d be to be cuddled up under a blanket and having a horror marathon, playing with his hair and giving him some mf besitos 😭🥺

[emobanana22]

[emobanana22]

[emobanana22]

If I were ever going to date again, I hope I never have to teach them how to love me.

I hope their love is always louder than my anxiety, that is telling me they don’t, that they’ll leave, etc.

Eating poison won’t save you from starvation, nor will accepting crumbs satiate your hunger.

I can never let myself beg, accept crumbs, or lick another knife, just to taste the imitation of love.

I either want the raw, real thing, or to starve.

[emobanana22]

I deserve better than to only be a thought that crosses your mind when you’re bored and lonely. I deserve better than the little crumbs of affection.

[emobanana22]

If you’re not obsessed with me, then I just assume you’re uninterested in me.

I’m aware that’s an unhealthy mindset, but the idea of someone casually loving me just doesn’t satisfy me.

As someone who’s been abandoned and neglected my entire life by anyone who was supposed to show me unconditional warmth and love, I want absolutely mad, passionate, souls intertwined, wearing each other’s blood in a vial necklace, find each other in every life, poetry inspiring, we belong to each other, Katherine and Heathcliff (minus the stubbornness and toxicity) type of love, or literally leave me alone forever.

If going an entire day without telling me as little as goodnight or asking about my day doesn’t drive you insane and make you sick to your stomach and ache because you miss me, then what even is the point.

Everyone makes it seem like me feeling everything on extreme levels is a problem, some symptom that makes me flawed, but I don’t. I do wish I didn’t feel pain and anger as strong as I do, but I guess that goes hand in hand with love, and I love that I love hard.

I just want to feel it returned to me, I just want to feel loved as hard as I love, just once.

Letters, poems, endless affection. I just want to feel for once, that my love isn’t annoying, isn’t something I need to keep to myself. I’m too old and tired to pretend like I don’t love deeply, it’s no longer embarrassing to me that I’m a lover girl, it is however embarrassing if you’re not a lover at all.

[emobanana22]

If you know me irl then scroll faster and you never saw this