emochick-love - Tumblr blog

[emochick-love]

I bet you don’t know how much self control I have to use around you.

To not touch you

To not kiss you

To not connect too hard with you

I’m exhausted of hiding these emotions. They were there when we met and I thought I could ignore them but they have just amplified. And I’m lost for which action I should partake. see I can’t lose you, but I can’t lose myself. But see losing you would be losing myself too. So imma just stay quiet. And suffer in silence.

[emochick-love]

Been drowning in my sorrows lately. I am the reason for my own emotional pain. I put myself through it as if I want to be hurt. I just wanna be heard tho. And to be seen for my worth. I want to not have to say what I want for once for it to happen.

Why do I have to be the one to fall for you.

Why did you have to go and fall for someone else.

Why you out there searching when I’m right in front of you.

Why can’t I be enough for anyone, or is it I’m too much.

Too nice, too friendly, too kind, Too pretty, too confident, too bitchy, too kinky, too loving, too loyal

I’m sorry I’d be perfect for you and I know it. But why can’t you see that. I feel crazy crazy rn. Like what. Whattttt.

[emochick-love]

You never question love.

There is no explanation

It’s either you have felt it or you haven’t.

No in between.

And maybe you have felt it, just not for the one you thought.

Truth behind the lie, lays within you.

To define love isn’t to seek it, it’s to believe and feel it

[emochick-love]

If you Give me a chance you’ll never regret it.

If you Give me your hand I won’t ever let go.

If you Give me your love I will give mine back.

If you Give me your trust, I won’t ever break it.

 I won’t ever make you feel less of the extraordinary person I know you to be.

Instead

I will fight with every last dying breath

To make sure you see yourself how I see you.

To make sure you never feel worthless or alone again.

To hold you and comfort you ‘til the nights end.

I want you never to be lost, never to be wondering.

I want you to know who you are, and to never question him.

I want you to be comfortable when you see you,

I want you to see the man I see

The man you long to be.

The man that is destined to lead.

I won’t give up, I won’t give in.

For as I see a future for me and him.

[emochick-love]

Sometimes,

holding on,

does more damage,

than letting go.

But sometimes,

You hold on too hard,

Welcoming their thorns to be apart of what was once your harmful plant,

Never able to pluck every thorn away

Never able to shake off the blood they cause

Once you welcome the thorns, they will grow inside you and never thaw.

[emochick-love]

Public Service Announcement:

Ngl I’ve been throwing my life away this year, and I am not okay with that. I’m tired of hiding what’s happened to me because of how it might make others feel. My childhood wasn’t the best, and my teens were even worse. I am suffering from bad Add/adhd, dyslexia, ocd, ptsd, depression, personality disorder, anxiety that has me on some stupid shit, bi polar disorder, sleeping problems, get about 8 full hours a week, night terrors every night, Atleast 4 times weekly I wake my family up by screaming and crying and fighting in my sleep, but ever night there’s something because I always wake up in fear and drenched in sweat. I never go a full night without waking up at least twice. Even through everything I’m suffering from, everything my brain goes through, I still have a 4.3 GPA planning to graduate with a 5.0. I still participate in stretching and physical activities, I still take care of all 5 of my animals, I still play which each one daily and I still train my puppy new tricks weekly, I haven’t given up just because everyone has given up on me and neither should you. Keep pushing, yes we will always be suffering in some way but you can’t think like that, you gotta take the positives from the negatives. Throw out the devils thoughts and God WILL start speaking to you, you just can’t hear him when you are too focused on what the Devil is saying. Don’t throw your whole life away just because the devil is tryna drag you down to hell with him, we are all angels just waiting to fly up to heaven, you just have to accept that you are good no matter your sins, you are forgiven no matter how big that sin is. God does not judge you, if you open up your heart to him he will never leave. He will never hurt you to a point of no coming back, the Devil will. God can be whoever we need him to be, as long as you believe with your heart and soul you will never EVER be alone.

[emochick-love]

I’m having a hard time seeing myself in the mirror. I used to love to look at myself now I avoid my own reflection. When I look at myself all I see is him, my father, my abuser. Growing up everyone said I looked like him and my sister looked like my mum. Wasn’t a problem until now, the devil has fully taken over him, he will have no redemption. I love my last name but I despise the man who gave me it. I will be giving my kids my last name not because it was his but because I will be making it MINE. He has lost the right to the Champagne name. Glad his father and mother weren’t around to see the violator he became. I am heartbroken. But broken I am not, parts of me yes but me as a whole, no. I will keep pushing, but I’ll never forget. I will move on but I will never get over it. I will forgive but I will never ever accept you in my life again. Our last goodbyes were our LAST goodbyes. I will see you in court but not as the father you once were to me, but as the abuser to whom I am saving this world from. It only took me three-four months to speak up. But I will never be afraid to ask for help again. I will never let you hurt me again. I will never let you touch me again. I will never give you the satisfaction of me hurting. I will never give you the chance to see my eyes again. I will never give you the daughters love I once had for you. I will never give you a second thought. I will never try to emphasize with you. I am loved by those who don’t wanna see me hurt, and all u did from the point I was born was made me question every little thing about myself. Made me hold myself back because I was afraid of being left. But this time, I left you. And I will never regret it. I have one regret and that’s on me for thinking highly of you. The man who has only brought me pain, has only brought pain to those around him, and they are just too blind to see, too weak to leave. You might think you need him, I sure did, but the reality is he doesn’t need you, he only needs himself, he only loves himself, he is killer, a narcissist, a molester, and a leaver. he belongs in a cell. He belongs in the ground. He belongs in hell. Hear beyond the words, look beyond his eyes, you will see nothing you will hear nothing, because that man, is nothing. Open ur eyes and you will see what I mean.

[emochick-love]

[emochick-love]

WARNING SENSITIVE CONTENT

Something I just need to say about myself; (thoughts are all jumbled)

My entire life since childhood I was never shy I’m still not, but I was always stand-offish where it would come off as I was shy. The reasoning for that is you have to have my trust before you get to truly meet me and know how I act. And once that trust is broken I will be a different person. My father left my mom and I when I was 2 for his assistant. Didn’t come back into my life until I was already 5 saw him once (maybe twice) a year until I was about 8, never fully had a real memory with my dad, but my most vivid first memory is when I was 8 and he took my mom and I out to dinner to tell me he was involved in a hit and run and was going to prison for 6-9 years. My dad always told me not to show weakness not to cry that everything would be okay. So I didn’t, I waited for him to leave then I bawled my eyes out in my moms car and didn’t cry in front of anyone for nearly 7 years. The absence of not having a father made me feel everyone in my life would leave if I did something “nonperfect” which if u don’t know that is my biggest fear, people leaving. Later my dad got out when I was 15 I always told him on our phone calls I would go live with him when he got out to get to know him. Little did I know the man I was getting to know was the man who does nothing but break people. I should’ve known he’s done nothing but ruin my childhood, yet there was a big part of me who loved him and wanted a dad more than anything. So I went I moved and ofc my mom wasn’t gunna stop me, she wanted me to get to know him for myself she never talked badly about him, because she didn’t want me not having a dad just because of her dislikes about him after all he is my father. But later that year that man that used to be my father treated me as if I was a women and not his 15 y/o daughter. Is there really nothing more to me than what’s between my legs? MY OWN FATHER man. Why’d he have to get me high off meth, I had no clue. My own father roofied me and molested me. How am I suppose to trust after that? How am I suppose to be me when my father took everything that was me. My trust my love my heart my body my stomach. All broken in pieces. All in the form of a volcano molted together by the devils burning pieces just waiting to erupt again and again and again until dormant/death.

[emochick-love]

I’ve been hurt, I’ve been beat

I’ve gotten so down I couldn’t stand on my feet.

Everyday that goes by just feels like another roller coaster of hell.

Everyday is just a reminder I’m not doing so well.

I try, I cry, I fight

But every time I always end up doubting my life.

Should I die or should I live

People say I’m not suppose to make that decision,

But everyday that goes by the pain is intolerable.

No living person should have to go through this pain.

No ones known what I’ve been through or my emotions on anything.

I’ve never opened up to not one soul,

Because it’s easy to fake a smile but not when youre alone.

No one really asks me how I am,

I guess I fake a smile so good it even fools them.

Sometimes I feel happy but my days never end that way,

it’s hard to be alone or feel alone,

lost in this world with nowhere to go.

[emochick-love]

I view the world through broken eyes,

But somehow I still can see the sun

The darkness has overcome me, but not fully you see.

I’m hurting and aching this world is slowly killing me.

For I won’t give up for I won’t give in.

For I love too hard and care too easily.

I don’t speak I grieve.

Lately it feels as if the life I’m grieving for is my own.

As if there is no life no soul just a body empty and alone.

If no one sees my worth is there any worth there?

My whole entire life is a questionnaire,

With not even one true answer.

This place is cancer

These people are nightmares

Just watching me shed my tears

Stares while my soul drifts away

Why does everything have to be ripped away?

I’m over it though imma just sit here and pray.

[emochick-love]

If I ever become an option, don’t choose me.