emoooooo - Tumblr blog

[emoooooo]

Ehl-e-Dil!

I do not know what to say to you in moments like these, i feel as if my soul has two parts. One, craving you and another fighting with the first one, crying and demanding peace. Sometimes i feel as if i have lost myself somewhere in the feeling of wanting to be consumed by the love, and you know my dear it isn’t your fault too. The most probable explanation of this ache is that there might be a problem with how i perceive the feeling of being loved, or perhaps don’t perceive it at all. A long long, desiring, stimulating, exhausting and tiring life with all its crises and all I ever whine of is love, you might think I am a bit crazy. I assumably am, more than just a bit. I believe to survive we do need to have at least a partially insane soul inside of us, right?

I am sorry, this was gonna be about you and not me. I am not a narcissist i swear to you. Kher.

I long for you, this day and all the days that led to this day, and for all the days that will follow. When you aren’t there something primary seems missing, like a cardinal piece of something whole being taken away.

I don’t know how well we could do in each other’s company however, i know how unwell i might be if i knew you wont be around me during a huge chunk of years of my life. I believe however well or poorly we might be complementing one another, i want us to keep being in each other’s embrace regardless of all this.

Things feel dull and then they feel bright again but during this transition, it is better to have you around, walk through the cave holding ur hand knowing im not all alone in this terribly dark night. That would be better than to walk through it with someone who has a different pace, and rhythm. Whose steps don’t sync with mine and whose heartbeats won’t align with mine.

Hope you keep holding onto my hand no matter how dark it gets. We can stop midway to catch breath, we can not talk, we can fight, we can stop holding hands a while if our palms get sweaty. But let’s walk together?

As they say :

ہو چاندنی جب تک رات دیتا ہے ہر کوئی ساتھ

تم مگر اندھیروں میں نہ چھوڑنا میرا ہاتھ

It has always been a delight knowing you overall, and i don’t think i can ever regret throwing my heart into an ocean blue one, even if it sinks, even if it is lost.

Because some treasures look good only at the bottom if the sea, right?

happy birthday my mavi, i wish you a thousand soft sunsets on the horizon of your ocean.

Yours forever,

emo.

24.04.2024

[emoooooo]

دل شکن دوست!

I don't know what else to say, to call you, to remember you for.. All I am aware of is that your presence would probably not fix me, but your absence doesn’t help either. You were not a part of my life or a chapter of a book that i could just close and put on the top shelf of a dusty library of my heart, among other painful items. Even if i do that, i believe the earthquakes my soul encounters every now and then would make the books hidden on the top shelves fall most vigorously than anything else. And I am not in a place to pick up the glass shard-like memories by my own hands. I don’t feel alive, my love. And you used to say that I can rest in your arms whenever that happened.

Sometimes it is not that you are not near. That we never are, and I have made a little bit of peace with the fact that it is going to be that way for quite a while. But sometimes, just on some days. Or maybe on all of them little by little, I feel half alive. And the other part of me just doesn't feel alive and it also doesn't feel dead. It feels like it is in a coma. And what else would there be, to worry me of. I don't carry the problems and pains of the whole world in me. Perhaps of I could I don't think it would be the cause of so much pain. Only the pain of this love that is contained by my heart is too much for me to be in. How could I ever hold something more in my heart.

Dearest, you consume me. The grief of not being the absolute motivation that could keep you going, pains me to my core. And I don’t know what is the reason of that, i don’t know if your heart has found room to love other people or it is just a temporary setback in our connection. I don’t know if I should wait for you or all the love in my heart is to throw away somewhere. You brewed a very fresh cup of my love, like morning coffee and went. And I don’t know who could drink it other than you. I keep warming it up. But you don’t return. Every moment of everyday, I try to believe you might be on your way home, bringing snacks to have with the coffee. But you have lost your way to me. And I am hurting like hell.

Can you please come back before this pain infects every part of my heart and I become physically unable to generate love for you.

Today is our anniversary. The day I came to know you existed. The day i was intrigued. And when did that intrigue turn into love, im unsure. Perhaps it is love all this while. Hiding behind a curtain like a child who has broken his mother’s favorite vase. Waiting to be forgiven and found.

The thing I cannot forgive myself for however is for loving you to an extreme where the way back seems like walking on hot coals. I am so tired. Why have I loved you to the point of not returning. To the point where if i stop it becomes a suicide and when I continue it becomes a murder.

تم نے کیوں درد دیئے اے دوست

تم سے تو زمانے کا غم بانٹا تھا

تم بھی مُکر گئے ساتھ چلنے کو

تمہی کو تو اِس جہاں میں سب سے اپنا جانا تھا

My dearest, please do not break me. And do not lie to me. For I do have the energy to walk away from you for other reasons but not because you deceived the ocean of love I had for you. Sometimes I pray you find that love everywhere you go, even if it means not having to turn back to me. But sometimes.. I am assured, that no one in this universe could love you the way I did. And I don't want you to be miserable at all but I want you to miss that. I hope you miss the love I had for you.

You shatter my heart while I love you with all the shards

You let it bleed and I love you with every drop that leaks out of it

You move away and yet I miss you with every word, every morning, every night, every moon, every breath I draw

Yours and Hurting,

Emaan.

6 February, 2024.

[emoooooo]

Dear Adulting!

Why are you so hard on each soul? Why do you teach us the lessons in a very hard way, everything seems weird when we go through adulting. Leaving my comfort zone was apparently the toughest thing for me to handle until last year. But this year, everything is tenfold difficult. Everything seems harder than it used to seem. Maybe because I have lost the things that once were the driving force between me and my life.

This year I’ve learned one of the harder lessons perhaps. This year I’ve learned that no matter how things go, no matter what goes down, you keep living. And you have to make sure that you don’t kill the inner child yet. Instead make that child grow, nurture them. Even if someone forgot to do that for you. Do that for your self.

This year ive learned that when we teach our children about financial independence and things like that we also have to give them a slight idea about the emotional independence as well. In the long run, if they’re financially so independent and doing well in terms of it, but they’re super dependent emotionally then well. They haven’t really achieved a thing in their lives. It is so difficult to train your mind and heart to be independent of people, especially in the emotional aspect, but we have to gradually learn that. Sometimes it gets a lot. When you’re out of your comfort zone, you still try to find people around you who are worthy of all that emotional energy. The similar one that you used to invest in your family or in the people closest to your heart. But as we move out of all that, we realise life isn’t what we thought it to be. It doesn’t consist of random people joining you through the way and becoming a part of your life. It consists of people who would come and join your life but won’t really care.

Life teaches you many things about many different people and makes you live without all of them. And with them even when you don’t feel like being with them at that moment. And so away from them even if you don’t have the energy to do that. And all of that gets simply too much sometimes.

A part of adulting is just making the heart live without the life support that it had before. Adulting is pretty hard sometimes. Most of the times. We ignore things and believe that they're not there as a part of fixing our problems, however these things keep collecting in the back of our head as ghosts, only to come back again, stronger than ever before and ready to haunt us when we’re at our weakest, when we have nothing to hope for or when we're terribly low.

I wonder if we can ever notice what exactly is there that makes us experience life the way we do. Is it something different, or just a bunch of things that stick along with us through our childhood, through our rough teenage years, only to turn us into a bunch of sad adults who are trying very hard but they still suck at the auditing part of life. Who know everything but how to play by the rules.

I am tired of the people around me, and sometimes I get so tired of bearing the weight of other people’s mistakes. Of doing the adulting for them as well when they’ve accidentally forgotten how to mature by themselves. I am tired of going an extra mile for people, when they wouldn’t do the same for me. Tired of figuring things out for others, when they wouldn’t do it for me. Why do i have to. Why can’t i sometimes be the baby and let people deal with it. Why?

I have no one to be immature in front of. No one who would take the blame or the bullet for me. And the hardest part is watching someone, my age, have all that while i have to be the adult for myself without anything or any support or any cushion to lay on to. Why does no one see it? Why does everyone leave me on my own. And i have this natural instinct to do the right thing because I know no one would save me or take one for me if i don’t. Why wasn’t i ever the rebellious child? Why did i grow up this way?

Dear adulthood, and the process, you’re so hard and yet I don’t understand a thing. I don’t know if I should be doing things like that or not. I don’t know anything about life. And i don’t even know that even after everything i do right, why do i always feel like nonsense? Why haven’t i been able to figure out a single thing in my life? Why am i not even being a baby and i don’t have everything sorted out for me as-well? I thought we only had one chance at things. I thought we only had one of the two ways of choosing things.

But life and each part is so so complicated and weird. I don’t understand even a bit of it.

I hope i understand all of it and get myself out of the messes I’m in. Before it is too late!

Sincerely,

Emaan.

18th December, 2022.

[emoooooo]

Dear Date!

I don’t know where to start writing a letter to you. Probably from the moment i saw you. Probably it is better defined by the goodbye, or the in between. The exchange if smiles at some point, maybe when i handed you over the ice cream. Maybe when you poured water in a glass for me. Maybe when you said “if you say, i can stay here a few days and we can meet tomorrow, ill call my office and tell them I’m not coming”.

Well I think all i can say about us is that i loved every moment of my first date. I am glad it was with you. And i hope i remain this glad all my life about it. I liked it when you said to the waiter “a table for two please”. It made me realize how special everything was. How all that i dreamt for in the past two years, was finally becoming true. I think it was my greatest wish. To meet you. To be there. And God somehow took me there and made me sit right in front of you. And I didn’t have the time to marvel at how did it happen. What took me there. Right there on that table alongside the yellow panels of light. In that restaurant, eating alfredo pasta and sipping that mint mojito, with you.

It was magic. Everything about us was magic for that moment. Like i met you now but i knew you since the world was created. I already knew how you smiled, how you said things. I already knew how to walk with you. My feet felt relaxed walking with you. My heart however, wasn’t that relaxed :)

You came four hours to meet me for one and a half. And went back four hours to go to your job the next day. I always admired people who travelled so much for their loved ones just to see them for a little bit. And someone did that. For me. To see me. To spend their time with me. Your first ever question was that how much time we’ve got, and I thought how collected he is. Everything felt good that day. The rain. The sunset. The wind. The golgappas that i ate later at night, in my friend’s car, even they remembered you. Even they knew i was relaxed. At peace for probably one of the very few times. When my head didn’t feel heavy and my heart didn’t feel so anxious when i tried to sleep. After a long time my cheeks turned red without the heat or the anger.

After a long time i felt like i was happy or that I was cherished and cared for. When you held that bag for me all the time. You took it back even when I said goodbye and went but couldn’t find the exit. You said you can take it when you’re about to leave. I wondered how can i matter so much to someone. You looked genuinely sad when i was about to go. I however, didn’t show so much emotion i know. Its just that already the whole vulnerability was too much for me to take in. However, i was a mess when i left the ice cream in a security scanning machine. Ugh! I don’t know why was i so messy and confused about everything. I couldn’t believe it’s me and I’m on a date and I’ve been able to not embarrass myself yet. So I made sure to do that XD

I miss you though. I wanna go on a coloring date with you. And a picnic on grass where you lay your head in my lap and i read a book to you date. And a fancy restaurant dinner with you wearing a black suit and a yellow silk tie and me wearing a silk yellow dress date. And an ice skating dance date. And a grab a coffee and walk in the rain date. And a drive-in movie date. And a snacks and sunset in a pickup on a hill date. And a donuts on a hot air balloon date. And a Netflix with large pizzas and ice cream tubs date. A nuggets and fries and chai date on a lazy Sunday evening. A breakfast date where we eat so many waffles that we get a sugar rush. A diy project making date.

I have a long list of things i want to do with you. So many things.

I hope we spend a lifetime together, because all of this list will get checked in a lifetime.

So take a lifetime for me. And come meet me beyond the clouds.

Love,

Your emo.

29th September, 2022.

[emoooooo]

Dear Feeling Things Deeply!

I have always loved the concept of someone taking you away from yourself. To me, it means that someone who you love and adore can literally take you away from yourself. From the pain of being me. I feel like when i love someone, i become so lost in them that i forget who i am. And it is because probably its a product of some kind of insecurities that i feel when i think more of it. But i think i like forgetting my self. I do not enjoy spending time with me. Sometimes i think other people like us because they see the shell. They cannot ever bear the pain of being us. The cruelty, the mess, the darkness, the demons. It would probably be alot for someone to take in. Won’t it?

I think i might seem interesting or fun to people who adore me, its because im cheerful around everyone. No one’s used to seeing me messed up and shit. And when they do, probably they cant handle it. Of course no one can. Even i cant.

When i love someone, i consume myself into them. I act the way they like, the things they want become my favorite. I enjoy being like them. For a while it probably liberates me from the pain of being myself. It makes me feel free of myself for a little while. And that’s probably a happy thing because i don’t have to spend time with that scared, haunted, insecure child who clings onto any support she finds.

I am a mess. Probably spending a life with such a mess won’t be that easy for someone. Because the demons would come find them someday, when I’m not focusing. When I’m tired of being the cheerful happy person. When I’m tired of painting all the walls of their hearts with the color yellow. Living with me isn’t gonna be so easy i think. I couldn’t do it for twenty years, how can someone do it if they aren’t even used to seeing such a circus.

And what if i stop loving them altogether. What if the demons get too tired and just take me to the darkest place and leave me there. What if they choose to not live with me anymore and i had to live with myself all of a sudden after spending half a life with them. Or technically all there was worth spending.

What do i do then, how do i live alone when they never taught me to? How?

How do i explain it to the, that they were all i had. All i ever treasured. That i never focused on making a place for my own self in my heart. That i issued all the property to their name? That I cannot hold their hand and tell them to not go because I don’t believe in stopping people if they choose to take a different path but i will most certainly be out of my breath if that happens.

How do i tell them that i cannot stop them and I cannot live if they leave. That my love is a complicated poisonous tree with a few flowers at some ends but that is all there ever was to it. How do i tell them that if they were to leave, they would take all the flowers, thought there aren’t many, and I’d be left with myself and all the poison of being myself.

How do i tell them that if you are to leave, take me away with you. So that i won’t have to live all alone with myself.

Deeply,

Emaan.

25th September, 2022.

[emoooooo]

Dear Omø!

I don't know how to start this, where to go with this letter. I just know that I am writing to you, today on a Tuesday, 11th of August. This will be a letter divided in parts because there are things that my heart cannot ever describe.

I don't know where this wish came from, but it ended up residing here. Now that's the only dream I see. I don't know why am I so quick to attach feelings to people to places. I just really want to live there. On your land. With the person who seems like the deepest of oceans. The person who loves lighthouses a little too much. The person who loves yellow, who thinks when his heart is yellow, everything is fine. With the person who tells me I am something. Makes me know, I exist, each day in a different way. Strange I haven't met him but if I were to. I hope we find the same amount of magics in each other as we do now. I hope, dear God I hope.

As the time grows, memories fade away. But mine, get stronger and stronger. My heart misses you. My heart misses the Omø. I want to be in your arms, in the rains of omø.

Today it's probably been an year since I wrote this tiny letter that sat in my drafts, waiting to be completed.

All my heart has ever wanted is to go hug llamas with you on a special day of our lives. Bake cakes with you. Love you. With all that I've got. Lit scented candles in our home at nights and have dinners with you. All my heart has wanted is you. You and me and Omø. You, me a few lit cigarettes and coffees, evening chais made by you. Yellow lighthouse and us. Us most of all. I don’t know about you, but wherever you are, my yellow lighthouse resides there. Music players with big vinyls and dances with you under the stars. Stargazing with you, fingers intertwined with your fingers.

They say when you’re in love, their fingers feel like your fingers, you’re unable to differentiate them. They feel like a part of you. That day, When my hand brushed yours a few times, it felt like.. Like me. I don’t know how it feels like that but it did feel like that..

All i want is to listen you. Without speaking. Narrate a book to me. Or say something long. Keep talking, let me hear you and sleep to the sound of your beautiful voice. You’re like receiving bouquets of sunflowers and roses on a Sunday morning. You’re like the perfect proportion of a coffee. You’re like a warm blanket on a coldest winter night. You’re like living on Omø.

You’re like waking up in a beautiful field on a slightly cloudy slightly sunny day. You’re joy. You’re all my smiles. You’re like dancing in the rain, chai and samosas in rain. You’re like eating croissants in Paris. You’re like locking the dearest wishes on a bridge and throwing keys into a river. You’re a connection between me and the moon. You’re the moon mailman of my life. You’re like eating white pasta with garlic bread. You’re a pearl, brought up from the depths of the sea, to fit into my heart.

You’re a yellow neon sign that says “home”. You’re my home. My vacation. My escape from all the issues of reality. You’re a white butterfly. You’re a beautiful firefly.

I love you. Love could never define, explain or fit into the feeling i have for you. I feel for you as the sea feels about sunsets. As the clouds feel about rain.

I love you as fire loves ashes, as pickle loves rice. As fried chicken loves fries, as pizza loves its toppings, as the moon loves Venus. As a crybaby loves whining. As Omø loves its residents. As a bee loves sitting on sweet flowers.

Lovingly,

Emaan.

September 24th (and a year ago), 2022.

[emoooooo]

Dear Enchantment!

I do not know what are the words for loving too much. That when you get up in the morning, you feel conscious about how would you look to that particular person, if they woke up with you someday. I don’t know how to control your hands from pouring all the love when making a simple breakfast, imagining to make that breakfast for the love of your life. I don’t know how i feel about you love. I don’t know if it’s called being enamored, being obsessed, being in love or being crazy stupid about someone.

I just know that when i laugh, i laugh because i’m at peace that you exist, and when i cry.. i cry because you overflow from my heart, you make it so heavy, your love makes my heart weigh down. It makes my heart sink. And that os what makes me cry, I love you so much that I’d let my heart sink just to feel it. One more time, with all my being.

My momma always knew, i had sad eyes, perhaps she always advised me not to love someone because she knew. She could see what I couldn’t. She knew I can’t take so much love into my being. It could end me.

Maybe that is what its doing to my heart currently. Maybe I should just try to stop trying to contain my heart within my chest.

Maybe its meant to travel all the way to you, every single day. Maybe it belongs to you now. Maybe that is why when I have any form of communication with you my heart feels at ease and when i don’t i feel like i will suffocate myself to death. I don’t know why i had to be such a stupid, drowning in love kind of a lover. Some people would even call me obsessed, suffocating, lifeless. Maybe i am all that. But i don’t know.. isn’t that the point of loving people? To love them. With all you’ve got. With sweat and blood and heartbeats and all your breaths and everything. Isn’t it?

Maybe I’ve learned it all wrong. Maybe love actually doesn’t consume people like it does to me. Or maybe it isn’t love that is consuming me. Maybe its just that i need something to be passionate about again. But why not a subject, a hobby, something else. Why a person?

But if its not love, why do i think about him the second i wake up? Why do i wait for him to wake up every day, like crazy? Why do i feel like i need to tell him all the good things that happened. If i saw a cute baby, a pretty flower, if i ate out, if i bought myself my favorite chocolate?

Why do i feel the urge to listen to his voice every time I’m on a verge of a breakdown. Why does he calm me? Why do i want to sleep listening to the sound of his voice. Why does his morning voice sounds like my favorite song? Why does anything he says means poetry to me? All the extraordinary plans he makes believable for me? For me, who never used to let herself believe on logic-less love crap!

Why do I want to spend all my moments with him?

If it is love, dear love could you please go gentle on me?

Crazily,

Emaan.

24th Sep, 2022.

[emoooooo]

Dear Attachment!

I am trying to find reasons to explain myself how to not get attached. Teach myself to detach from people and feel like me again. But I guess that is impossible for now. Or maybe some people are so different that detaching your heart from theirs is so hard. As if they are the only magic your heart has required and now when you have it you're scared that it is slipping, atom by atom, from your palms.

I am trying to not love so much that when love stops talking to me or when its destiny takes it elsewhere, I would still have a little bit of me left with me. It doesn't look like we are meant to be or something. It seems like we're galaxies apart. With nothing holding us together, except the little spark in my heart, and his too hopefully. I am too lifeless to hold a love in my heart that finishes me when it leaves.

Or maybe it is supposed to be a fulfilling kind. Maybe it never leaves. Maybe everything, every dot of our lives connects us together at the end. Or maybe the ship of my life drowns and his lighthouse never guides me ashore. Or maybe it does. Maybe maybe maybe.

I hope for a great many things to happen. I hope love finds my heart when everything else seems to leave my heart in pieces.

The only problem that i think I have is that I don't know how to live without the people who i teach myself to love once. Each time, i am not aware of the damage they could bring with themselves although I've experienced heartbreaks at least a thousand times for me to understand what it is all about. But all I ever do is clinging to people who were never meant for me and holding onto them so tight that I bury my nails in their skin, clutching them close to my heart and trying my best not to let them slip away.

But what if that is all there is of me? What if all that there is left is the misery of attaching and detaching to people for a thousand times. What if all I am ever going to experience is the heartbreak that I was so dearly protecting my heart against.

Please let me love people who are meant to be nearer for at least half the life that I have. And not always the people who have a booked flight for the next day to somewhere where they won't want to come back from.

I do not possess the energy to say goodbyes without learning the reason why someone has decided to leave the warmth of my home. I want a love that stays, a love that never gives up. A love that asks me to get up and make breakfasts together each time I feel like dying.

Things have changed, now my heart believes that maybe me and love are meant to be. Maybe this is what meant to be feels like. Maybe love is only like a firefly in the palms of our hands and at first my palms weren't able to catch it. But as I review the draft of this letter I feel like I have to add the newly grown beliefs to the list.

Love has grown closer to me rather than always remaining galaxies apart. I believe that maybe just maybe we could end up together. Although I hope it more than anything I have hoped for. But life, is weird and complicated and we can't say anything about it until the very end.

So let's wait till the very end and see, how love treats us.

May love be gentle to our hearts.

Sincerely,

Emaan.

18th September, 2022.

[emoooooo]

Dear Firsts!

You know how girls are always so keen on sharing their firsts with the one. But somewhere along the way we drop off a few firsts with the people we have crushes on or the people we admire in general. As we gradually live. Sometimes if we're silly enough, we do all the best firsts that we had with people who probably don't deserve being on any number in our lives. But what can we say, we're emotional creatures and our emotions lead us to the weirdest of places and to be honest. It's not that bad to be lead by your emotions somewhere.

I know sometimes it's stupid. Sometimes emotions lead us to hell. Sometimes all we gain in the end are tears for ourselves and bad memories for the rest of our lives. But when we were in this memory.. it didn't feel so terrible, did it?

In fact it felt probably like heaven. All those memories are heaven for people at first and then we decide to put fire in our heart for everything to turn to ashes. Just because it didn't turn out right. I mean. Love is something that isn't supposed to turn out right, right?

I don't know well I guess. I am being too stupid when it comes to logic these days.

I did something like that too. I gave my heart, my first ever something to someone who I like.

I went on the first date. Something I never planned. I didn't have it on my bucket list until a few years ago to be honest. Never thought it could happen. Never believed I could have something of that sort in my life.

But yea I did it.. How it felt? it's gonna take all the rest of my letters to explain that. Moment by moment. Piece by piece. Heartbeat by heartbeat.

I hope all the girls trust the people they love. And never regretting the trust they put in. They love they offered.

Sincerely,

Emaan.

17th September, 2022

[emoooooo]

My companion!

I do not know who are you, and at what point of life will I fall in love. I have no ideas regarding love. Because love, has always been a fantasy. A tale of good days that might come if everything goes right, throughout.

And yet, the woman in me has always wanted to experience love in all its glory.

The woman in me has wanted to love till her the very core of her heart was burned to ashes. Because love is a legacy us women carry in our 300 bones from the day we're born and until we grow up and the bones fuse to be 206. The amount lessens but the love enriches each bone like calcium. And love is what nourishes a woman more than vitamins. Give her love and see her live so beautifully.

I know I won't be getting married to some prince, it isn't possible and I have always known my worth. But it has always been about the little belief that there might be someone, with whom you can make morning breakfasts, pancakes and waffles topped with chocolate syrups and fresh strawberries. I have always believed that the day i would stop running after love, it'll run back to me, naturally.

Although a part of me has always believed that love is something that does not come to you easy. And it's not necessary to always have it in your life, because in the end love won't feed your dying heart but only respect could probably be strong enough to save your life.

You know as they say:

رابطے حد سے گزر جائیں تو غم ملتے ہیں

ہم اِسی واسطے لوگوں سے کم ملتے ہیں

Life is all about not letting yourself get vulnerable in front of people. But there are people who you let your walls down in front of, which might not be in your best interest but when we're emotional we don't think about benefits and drawbacks. All we know is that our hearts are slipping right out of our hands and we can't do anything to catch them back and put them inside our chests. We become zombies, when we love.

All this, scares me when I think of loving someone. Loving has its own disadvantages. And alot of them, to be precise. Yet, we love. And we love as if there's no better thing left for us to do. I don't know how love holds so much power over us. I don't know how and what kinds of spells it casts on us.

Why is life so miserable sometimes? Why does it leave us to mercy of others? And then we don't have anything left in the end, and no one even tries to be merciful to this wretched, miserable heart of ours.

But what do we do, when all we want is a slight embrace. A feeble touch of someone's hand on ours. A glimpse of hope that there could ever be something more than just the simple misery that we're used to looking at everyday when we see ourselves in the mirror.

What could we do when all that we just want is to put our head on someone's shoulder and take a deep breath, shed a few tears and forgive ourselves for all the years where we've tired ourselves for the wrong people. And somehow, no other relation in our lives could be asked for this tiny favor of letting us put our head on their shoulder and let the fatigue go away because it is just awkward.

I'm in the phase of my life where only a lover can make my tired heart feel better, make my fatigue go away and make my breaths restore to normal.

مسئلہ عمر کا نہیں وہ تو کہیں بھی کاٹ لیں

مسئلہ اِس دردِ دِل کا ہے، اِس کو کہاں بسر کریں

I want a love what is not too warm that it makes my blood boil but not too cold that it whitens all the blues in my veins. I want a love that is just at the room temperature. Enough to take away all the weariness of my life.

I want you my love, to bring calm in my life and not hurricanes. Not to increase my heart rate but just make it steady enough for me to live.

Sincerely Yours,

Emaan.

16th May, 2022.

[emoooooo]

Dear evolution of me!

It's been ages since I last saw the Emaan I left behind. She had life twinkling in her eyes, like I was meant to be loved and I was meant to live, to my fullest extent.

But now, I have transformed I guess, from a waterfall like excruciating to a sea like calm. I do have waves, going up and down like my moods. But other than that I have visibly seen the difference. I have changed a lot over the last seven months.

I don't know if this change was for better or for worse, surely it did teach me alot. Taught me patience. a lot of patience.

Life is like a chessboard, and as soon as you think you have gotten the hang of it, you blink and there's an entirely different chessboard with different moves and you wonder if you ever saw the previous chessboard at all. And you keep blinking and the cycle continues. Until there's no more energy left for you to solve or decode the moves of the chessboard you're struggling at. And you decide to take a break and sleep.

I have been trying to get acquainted with myself since ages, trying to be able to recognize the pair of eyes I see every morning in the mirror and be okay with how they look. Of how much depth they contain and how they are perceived. I wish I could be okay with all those things. And now that life has put me in situations I had never experienced before, I believe that I should have tried to love myself sooner. When everything was alright and it was easier to do so. When I was not so aware of how wrong I've been and when I did not see my ugly self with all of its darks and lights. When I hadn't learned the names of my demons. It was easier to do so back then.

I have evolved to paint my soul a shade darker than black and thicker than blood. All I am now is ashes of who I lit on fire when I was younger and sadder.

Now I have stopped being sad, I feel as though I have stopped feeling the emotions altogether. Everything in me has died out, even though it was supposed to be so young and so beautiful. I was supposed to be at the prime of my youth. But I look as a cemetery of hopes that were buried alive and I feel a thousand tiny little heartbreaks filling my soul. I feel broken promises etched on my soul as someone brings flowers everyday to the cemetery that I am, only to realize that they're poisonous. What else did I expect from the world to bring me? Perhaps if they bought me roses, I'd complain about the thorns. If they had bought lotuses I'd complain about mud.

For I am lonely and I try to find sad metaphors for everything in my life.

And perhaps sorrow is my legacy.

So I shall wear it like a crown.

With hope,

Emaan.

30th March, 2022.

[emoooooo]

dear firefly!

I have no light in me. Not at all. Not one tiny glint or shimmer of anything that could guide me to anything else. I am just empty, and too empty I have no place to call home, no home to go back to, at the end of a long and tiring day. I feel like I am all alone in the world.

Dear dead light beam, I am too alone. I do not feel like I have feelings anymore. Feelings that could be expressed and told and heard and shared over lunches and dinners. I simply do not have anything in me that could require sharing. An empty vessel or perhaps an untold story that was trembling and aching to be told. Until six months ago. But now the whole personality of mine has changed. It seems as if the core of my true self. The person that I used to be, the pair of eyes that always looked at me in the reflection of a mirror are all gone. And there is nothing that could be done to bring them back. It seems to me as if I have begun ignoring myself. I don't focus my attention on me as much as I should have been, afterall everything will go away and everyone will move their homes and all I would be left with at the end of the day is me. At least I should be well acquainted with my own soul, so it stops feeling like a misfit to me.

Some days ago I used to be so cheerful and so full of life. I used to laugh my heart out and cry my eyes out. I used to be this explosive happy confetti like energy bomb. That would crash on anyone who wants a little dose of happiness. And look at me now, these dead eyes, the eyebags that look at me from the mirror. I feel as if my courtesy smiles mourn the loss of the truthful and sincere smiles that used to spread on my lips whenever I looked at the mirrors.

I don't have mirrors in my room, because I don't want to see my reflection I guess. And whenever I do, I usually gross out at how terribly depressed I look. Some days I ask my eyes, what went wrong Emaan? And what the hell happened that taught you to be so lifeless all the time. And the answer is always that I don't know.

Who knew moving to a different country will make me lose myself even more than before and the slightest Emaan that I had left in me is totally gone now. Leaving behind someone nameless and heartless too probably. And someone who doesn't say many things, someone who is just there and who always goes unnoticed.

the emaan who had dreams in her eyes is lost and the fire that used to be seen so clearly in her orbs has died out. leaving ashes of her tiny heart behind. ashes that explain the story of how painfully she has evolved from being a child to an old woman in just the span of two years!

life after all, is what happens when you're busy making other plans.. right?

Sincerely,

Emaan.

9th March, 2022.

[emoooooo]

Pathology of Heart!

Heart is a very diseased thing. And all of its diseases begin from the softness that it contains within. The softness that starts to rot because many things take it for granted. Many creatures start feeding upon it, living inside the warm muscle, taking up more space than needed. Starting colonies, making houses, in something that isn't even theirs. Handling it like they hold all the stakes and plan on making, breaking, selling the pieces as they wish.

I wish sometimes that I wasn't very acquainted with these emotions that people so dearly choose to call as "having feelings" or "falling in love". I mean it's not like it is some kind of curse or something. It's just that it is too bloody, too messy. It feels like someone has your heart in their palms and they squeeze it every few seconds and you feel an immeasurable overwhelmed pain. A pain that you don't want to let go of but you cannot also hold onto. A pain that starts to subside but as soon as it decreases a little bit it is followed by another wave of pain, this time even stronger and the cycle keeps going on until you feel like your heart has become all blood. And you don't have more pieces of yourself left to cut and sacrifice to this emotion. And all you are left with is the mess and the pool of blood gathered at your feet. And each moment of each hour, you fear the love that might be lost in time. You feel the helplessness with the core of your whole existence as you go through a thousand dilemmas all at once.

In the stories of what ifs and had beens. You're not the usual person that you used to be. Sometimes you stand in front of mirrors and just wish to either applause yourself or laugh at yourself sarcastically for how you've been trying to manage everything. But also, at least you've been trying. To carry an old and ashen love in your bones along with all the diseases that you usually carry.

Diseases that you have medicines for. Although medicines don't work that well, but at least you have a hope encases in a pill lying in the palms of your hands that maybe, maybe it all could be alright. What of love? Whose medicine you can never look for. Seeking whose medicine can drive you completely crazy as well. And seeking whose medicine always asks you to jump in a big deep well, in hopes of being saved by the elixir of love. The elixir which logic clashes with but love blindly believes in.

What if you have an auto-immune disease such as love, starting to living in your bones. The kind which argues with logic, the main ingredient of your intellect. But all your heart wants is to pet this disease and carry it all over you. In your eyes, in your speech and all the time in your mind.

What do you do when you fall in love?

When love is the only thing you've stayed away from and yet... here we are!

7th March, 2022.

[emoooooo]

Dearest!

You make me so sad, so incredibly sad I feel as if I can cry a thousand rivers for the miracle that you are. I feel as if I am never going to be able to grasp the beauty of who you are and that is just too scary of a thought to think of. You have bewitched my heart in a way that it does not sing any other rhyme than chanting the spells of love in your name. Singing your name on a loop. I do not know if this is what it seems like or maybe it is a tiny little tender feeling I have about you. As tiny as a pigeon's heart. I say pigeons because pigeons are the birds of love according to my heart. Pigeons are the most warming of birds. Their presence just fills you up with tingling peace. Even when you are asleep and you wake up groaning because of the sounds they were making sitting by your window, it wouldn't madden you! It would make your heart feel love all over again. That is how you have become to me.

To be honest as I write that my heart chants "not true, not true! you're just saying all this for the beauty of fiction. In order to create something beautiful out of a feeling that has just touched you and passed by your side like a fine cold breeze on a moonlit night. It has not found its home in your heart yet!" and "yet" is all I can focus on.

Yet is all I know! Yet is all I believe.

I try to tell myself each day that I can easily get out of this labyrinth that you have caught me inside of. That the thought of you can escape my soul as easily as it had entered. But I guess these are just words because the day I feel you drifting away from me, even a centimeter is the day I cry for hours. Those are the days where my heart starts to mourn over something so unbelievably that it even makes me shook at the presence of emotions which never presented themselves to me before.

I have to say though, you make me sad. You make me so incredibly sad and so weak that I do not have any place to go to. There's nothing but you. You know how they say in the love songs that you are the pain and you only are its cure. That is how you are to me.

Tum dard ho, tum hi araam ho!

You can bring me to pieces even if you do nothing, you say nothing at all but I just sometimes feel the void between me and you getting stronger and that is enough for me to be sad.

You hurt me, without saying a word, without doing anything. Sometimes it's because I feel I am not enough for you and you deserve so much more but also sometimes because I just want us to be two people in love with each other, like in the movies.

But you know what? One thing that I have realized and I have came across is that no matter how much we try, we are just two people who greatly understand each other. Perhaps we can never fall in love with each other. And perhaps falling in love is not the point, it is not as necessary as we deem it. I respect your heart and you, mine. Isn't that enough to be our 'forever'?

With respect,

Emaan.

12th August, 2021.

(Written over a very long period of time)

[emoooooo]

Dear Attention!

My heart keeps on going even when no love is supplied to it and I realize maybe, just maybe it could have functioned well without love but I was just silly enough to get addicted on such an addictive drug. Human attention. That's all we crave for, isn't it? All we want and all we desire. And all we keep running after, each day. That is why we wake up in the morning and try to look presentable to the world. Because at the end we want to be presumed as awesome, we want to be heard and loved and cared for and payed attention to. All the things we do comes down to mental peace, to love. To so many gentle emotions and not the statistic, logical ones that we keep pretending to have throughout the day. At the end of the day all we want is someone who would run their fingers through our hair as we lay our head in their lap and tell them how did our day go and what emotional roller coasters we were on. I am so tired. And I know I keep chanting it like a mantra, although it doesn't deserve to be anyone's mantra it is too demotivational to be that, but that is how I feel. All the time. I feel like I am forcefully opening my eyes to see a world that does not want to see me, at all. And it doesn't matter I guess, because the world is as tired of me as I am of it. And there's no way we could adjust with each other.

We are at war, me and the world. And still it let's me reside here, among everyone else. Facing hurdles like a mess. I don't know how to live I guess. And no matter how hard I try I to manage things they always slip out of my hand, just like sand. Maybe I wasn't meant to hold onto a lot of things that I start being dependent on.

Life after all doesn't give you all things altogether, it gives you something and then it makes you beg for the other and then you chase another thing and so on. But you also never get satisfied with the things you have, you also want more and then more and then so much more. I guess we're both equally ugly, life and us.

But sometimes all we want is some particular person, the one our heart chooses amongst all the 8 billion people, all we desire and all we crave for is their attention. Their love. Them noticing how we never wore maroon color and today, surprisingly we wore maroon. Or how we don't eat certain vegetables and then someday it is being cooked and we eat it without saying a word. We all just want someone to notice what we do and on what days we stop doing all that. All us humans want is someone who can read between the lines of who we are.

Who we won't have to translate our souls to. Who could read everything just by looking in into our eyes for a split second. I think, now we should just lose all hope because such a love is never gonna alive.

And all we got is one second worth of love, one second of joy, and only one glimpse of eye contact with the person we've always wanted to look at. Everything comes in seconds and nothing every stays. Long enough for you to wake up in the morning and look at that favorite person sleeping beside you. And wonder, how did you get so lucky? I guess life doesn't wants to make you wonder about any miracles so, you never really see those.

Go to sleep, kids!

Sincerely,

Emaan.

11th August, 2021.

[emoooooo]

Dear Violence!

Why the people all around bukhara have chosen you as their main weapon. Why is everything so so rough over here. Everywhere I go, I see men hungry just to satisfy their ego as if it is a drug that needs to be taken on a daily basis, an ego boost. I am so tired of seeing women selling their dreams and their contentment just to feed the egos of men who don't care about anything other than themselves. I am so tired of seeing women helpless in front of love. Why is all love bound to reside in a woman's heart? Where is a man's love? And if there is anything such as love, then why do they hurt the people they love. How could it be love then? Are men so scarred that they end up cutting into all flesh that gets close to them. But even if they are scarred, wouldn't they be extra gentle with the ones they love, so that they don't end up hurting them.

Instead men have made a pact of hurting women to take revenge on their life situations and people who tried and turned them to such stones.

How can you mentally, physically and emotionally torture the people who you 'pretend' to love?

Men tend to hurt everyone as they pass by, all that comes in their way gets destroyed with the buildozer of their ego and anger.

I, who never gets scared of things I get scared of the whole concept of loving someone. What if the one you love starts to hurt you. What do you do if you need them like a drug but they also hurt you like it is some sort of drug. How do you remove yourself from such a toxic person. It is a whole battle in its own. I pray everyone meets kinder and gentler men.

I am so tired of seeing egoistic men having it their way. I hope these women who are being wronged, they find their voices that have been stuck somewhere in the depth of their vocal cords.

They pain my heart, and I don't know whether to find them miserable or whether to be furious at how they are quiet despite all the emotional and physical abuse.

when will men stop thinking that our lives have started depending on them and when will they learn that we can easily live well without their intervention in our lives as well.

Sincerely,

Emaan.

4th August, 2021.

[emoooooo]

Dear Desire of being Loved!

I am so so so terribly aching. I don't know why this desire never goes away. The desire to be listening to someone's theories about life, love and relationships at 2 AM while eating pizza on our tiny little couch. Then we laugh, sitting together and just living.. The togetherness of it all and the sweet tenderness of being with someone.

Of having a home with someone, not just any someone, the one who makes time stop for you. The one who you're always excited to meet. The one who makes your house a home. Who is there when no one is, to hear your worst fears and comfort you. To be in the dark with you.

Whose arm you grip tightly on, when light goes out randomly in the mid of the night. And you just have a home together. You share your oranges, half you and half him. One of you leaves the pizza crusts and the other one eats them without saying a thing. One of you lays their head in the other one's lap reading books and the other one listens to soft music, scrolling through their phone and their one hand running fingers in your hair.

All of this is so precious, so deep, so heartwarming that you might cry at simply being close to them, this feeling of having a home together is just so beautiful.

Why does love come at such an expensive cost. Nothing hurts us as much as love does and yet nothing makes us happier than love does. And we are such a misery, that all we do is always for love. There's no other reason to things, the world revolves and runs on love. Love is the basis of it all. All that we feel and all that we ache, is just due to love.

Yet I feel that my heart is too smol to handle love, and I would probably never experience that. All my days will run out, in search of love and I won't ever find it. Or even if I do, I'd have to watch it go away with sad eyes because I just can't find a place inside of me to stuff it in. Maybe if I take hatred out of my system then there will be a little room for love.

I say I've never hated humans, but I won't say I haven't strongly disliked and despised them. I have. And only two people in the world take away all the despising that my heart has to offer. They probably don't care but I don't know why can I not stop feeling like that towards them. Only two people who affect me the most. I don't know why, all of my heart just starts aching when I think of them, it just used to be one person. Now they're two, and for very similar reasons. Kher, we won't go into the details of the reasons. Leave that for another letter. We would just pray that may our heart learns to love.

and may we find the person to watch, cringey cheesey movies, cook exotic food, taste weird food combinations and go on vacations with.

May I find the person who I'll build a bakery with, the person who would visit my orphanage daily to meet my babies and become their best friend!

May I find the person who I tolerate long enough to grow old and grey with! And sooner, because I'm done with the world.

Sincerely,

Emaan.

28th July, 2021.