emotional-toilet - Tumblr blog

[emotional-toilet]

How do I be there?

I don’t know how to be there for someone. I thought the idea was that regardless it’s better to just be there, but now I don’t know. To throw away feelings of shame, guilt, and pride, to just be around, but I guess it’s more important to understand why those feelings are there in the first place. I guess it’s impossible to make them go away. Regardless of how much I can say “don’t feel this” It’s still going to be there. So now, all I do if I take my own advice is be there with my shame, my guilt, and my pride. I’m so wrapped up in saying or doing the right thing that I think the basics escape me. I can’t actually just be there, I have to communicate, I have to understand, I have to relate and I have to offer some kind of silver lining. I push myself to do these things. I think that’s why I fail at being there. Because ultimately that’s not really for them, it’s for me.

I think that’s why I’m able to do it, but what do I say. I feel so lonely all the time, that I often wish someone would reach out and remind me, but I don’t think I’m good at that. And ultimately that might be why my friend is distant. Maybe they realize that in themselves. I wish I knew what I was doing wasn’t hurting anyone. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s a bother. I just wish I could know, because then I could stop or continue or make some adjustment. Instead I’m in the dark. and when I’m in the dark that’s when the insecurities strike. That’s when all I can see is that I’m causing pain,  that I’m causing hurt. But I guess I have to live with those feelings. because I just can’t stop from believing that getting nothing is the worst fate. I wish I acted upon it further, I wish I communicated more clearly, and I wish all these things because the only person I have to confide in about it is myself, and I’m never good enough. I guess in this regard, that’s the crux of the issue. That insecurity again. I don’t want it to guide my actions but I think it already has been. I hate this. I wish I really could believe that there’s nothing I can do, but there’s always something any of us can do. I was just afraid like usual. I won’t be next time. Next time, I’ll keep it simple. I’ll keep clear, I’ll keep it concise, and I’ll be there regardless. I can’t stop from feeling like that’s what matters, but in the interim I need to find out why I feel this way. I can’t bring this stuff with me, but I do it with everyone. I don’t know.

Right now the big things are this:

Don’t be overbearing out of spite. Let things lie.

Don’t be ignorant out of spite. Speak up.

I want to be somewhere in between, but I guess you can’t live your life as if you are what you want to be. So how do I do this.

I guess all you can do is try, and know that trying is better than not trying. Be your own person, do your own things, but you should try. You should try to be humble, and try. I wasn’t humble, but I did try. I honestly did. that much I can be confident in. I’m just so tired of the nothing. It kills me inside. I have to get a day job.

[emotional-toilet]

My Art

With music I’m at my most sensitive. I do other forms of art, but for some reason with music there’s never enough criticism, never enough praise. With my drawing I think I used to have this feeling with it, but as I did it more often and got better with it - I got more confident. I started to not need a response to my artwork to ascertain its worth. With music I feel as if it’s worthless if nobody comments on it. If there’s nobody who leaves any sort of criticism I feel like I’m having this crisis as to whether or not I’m even able to perceive my own music correctly. It’s like what I was hearing - what I thought sounded so good to me actually comes off as weak, impotent, cheesy. I need this constant reassurance that what I made actually sounds alright, and it’s the same thing with writing. With drawing I don’t have that. I do want and need the reassurance, but I’m able to find my peace with my art. Writing and music I struggle to really truly be confident in it. I spent my night last night listening to my own music over and over, cautiously excited, wanting desperately to have someone to share this excitement with. I don’t know why, In this case I was already told by someone anonymously that it was good. I guess it’s the same reason why I want to show and tell my parents about this stuff, I just want someone close to me that can be excited for me. My parents have taken on this feeling with it to remain distant or perhaps they’re just constantly preoccupied with life either way, showing my parents my art doesn’t ever really fly. I always walk away from it questioning why I did it in the first place. It doesn’t embolden me, it doesn’t give me insight, and most of the time I end up feeling worse about what I’m making. I guess I should need a reason to want to show them, they’re my parents, but like with my friends I feel this need to want them to be excited for me. to want someone to be excited for me. But - well - on the overnight schedule you can barely get that let alone contact with another person at all. I don’t want to let that affect me as much as it is. Just this constant drain of isolation. I go into work to work a job that I work alone, I come home and sleep the day away, then I repeat until my days off where I sit all night still isolated from connection.

The reality is that I’m not completely disconnected, I can send messages like messages in bottles, and occasionally I do catch a conversation here and there, but it’s not nearly often enough. I need to look back at this for my story. Something tells me I’ll need it. Anyway, That’s enough for this one. 

Maybe get back into VR chat, that sounds like it could be a good way for me to get some social connection. It’s not tangible, but at the very least it’s something. Make it just about the chatting, and not about me trying to make an avatar, at least not right from the get go like last time. I need to put it on my schedule.

[emotional-toilet]

Nothing is Nothing

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that Nothing really is nothing. Sometimes I imagine there’s just this great big hint that I’m not understanding, and everyone else is in on. I know this is anxiety, but I really am pretty dense, so It’s not entirely farfetched. My problem, and what I get hung up on, is if there really is some big hint, what do you gain by keeping it hidden? And what exactly am I supposed to do about it? Unless you think my ignorance is out of spite, in which case, you’re thinking exactly the same way I’m thinking. That the lack of expression is some kind of spiteful slight. The reason this stuff drives me crazy is because I don’t know, there’s evidence pointing one way, and evidence pointing the other. I have to assume, that if I don’t know, then it isn’t spiteful. The absolute last thing I want to do, is act out of spite for something that someone didn’t even do or feel. It can be hard sometimes when I feel alone, but spite would serve nothing but to alienate me further. I would want to isolate far before I saw myself be outright spiteful. My mind keeps coming back to that idea, maybe that’s the hint I’m missing. Maybe I really should isolate, and leave these communities. Find new communities, meet new people, maybe find people who I mesh with even better? But at the end of the day, why? What benefit do I hope to find. With new people I’m still me, I still have these insecurities, and I’ll still end up in the same place. I guess now I have the blog, and I can keep these ideas to myself and my therapist, but what I can’t get from my therapist are thoughts and opinions on what I’m making from a skill standpoint. I trust my friends but maybe with this stuff I shouldn’t. Do they even trust me creatively? I mean with how indecisive I am, I wouldn’t be surprised - but you know - just generally do they even hear the things I say? Are they just sick of it?

I know this is bullshit. I know that I’m just scaring myself and talking myself into this frantic state of mind because of fear. I know that the people here care about me, They’ve shown as such. Things aren’t great right now, but they’ll be great again. Like I mentioned in the previous post, Tenchi hit hard, man. I feel incredibly lame for saying that, but I mean it’s true. If good times were had once, they can be had again. I can’t force them, but all I can do is try and have an attitude worth catching - right? All I can do, is what I can. Maybe nobody sees it that way, and maybe I might as well not exist. But I know I exist. I know what I’ve done, I know what I feel. Those are things that I know. I’m going to make something that I enjoy, and it’s going to be enjoyable because of it.

Obviously I can’t be sure, but what else do I have, right? That’s the other thing about nothing, is that it can be filled with insecurities, but if I’m strong enough, I can fill it with whatever I want. Ugh, I wanted that to feel inspiration, but now I just feel overbearing. Right? Who fills nothing with whatever they want? there are multiple people in the equation... I guess what would be better is this:

If I’m the only one affected by this nothing, then why not fill it with what I want.

Right? if someone is choosing not to respond to me out of spite, or just not being sure how to respond. I can use that for me, because my only other option is to be tormented by it. To question what it really means. I’d rather not do that because more than likely, nothing was just nothing.

You know, I was singled out by a friend for not being funny. And to their credit, I don’t think I have been this entire year. I’ve been pretty depressed actually, and It is kind of shitty for them to make that into like some kind of diss. Though at the same time I guess I wasn’t clear enough. My nothing was their spite, and that’s most likely why it happened in the first place. Sometimes I wish someone could speak my language, and could understand me. You don’t have to help me, you just have to be there. That’s all I want, and that’s all I need. I don’t need you to go out of your way. It’s as simple as a basic response - that’s It. That’s all I’m looking for, because alone, I destroy myself from the inside. I know it must seem like I’m avoiding everyone with how my schedule is now. I don’t know why I am the way I am, why I find it hard to reply to people when the moment has passed, but also why it’s so hard for me to keep up in conversation. I wish I was better at it, but no matter what I do I get hung up in stuff like this. The only time I don’t is when I speak with my voice. I don’t know what that is fully. I assumed it was because there is no time afforded to think of the perfect thing to say, so I just have to say it - whatever it is.

I’m not good socially, I just wish people could understand that, instead of interpreting what I do as some kind of slight. I wish they understood that nothing in my case, absolutely means nothing.

I don’t think that friend who singled me out is doing it on purpose. I think they’ve been in a bad spot, and I think in that state they are given to push people away. But I’m given to run away. And in this community I’m doing the contrary. I’m not the most active, but I haven’t ran away. Maybe this friend can find the strength to do that, maybe they don’t care to, maybe I’ll just end up running. I guess I’ll never know.

It’s not a bad thing inherently to run away, but when it’s habitual you’ll find yourself alone.

I hope they’re doing well.

[emotional-toilet]

Romantic Relationships

“Relationships” is upselling it. It’s really relationship. I’ve only ever had one romantic relationship despite not being aromantic, and/or asexual. The reasoning for it is fear. At the time I just felt inadequate, like I couldn’t be what she wanted, but now I know that even if I had everything, the relationship would’ve been doomed anyway, because I was never comfortable.

Nobody wants to be with somebody who is always uncomfortable in their presence.

Being enough, the idea in my head is so taxing. That there are two modes, either I’m good enough, or I’m not good enough and I should feel ashamed. At the time I figured that this struggle was normal, and that I had to try my best lest I become subpar. I now know that this black and white thinking lends itself well to this perpetual discomfort.

I suppose I should say that this relationship wasn’t a girlfriend/boyfriend type of deal. What happened was, she wanted me to stay one night, she asked me not to go. We were kind of tertiary friends, and one night about a year out of a long term relationship, she really didn’t want to be alone. From the get go I was afraid. Afraid of what would happen if I didn’t stay, and afraid of what might happen if I did.

I stayed, and we talked until we were both asleep It felt nice to be close to someone like this, and I kept going over, eventually developing my own feelings for her.

It was here that she started to become a little aggressive. She was attractive to me, and sometimes - to put it simply - she would do things that would get a response below the belt. I tried my best to hide it - to ignore it, but she was drawn to it like a goddamn magnet. She was beginning to get pretty handsy when I told her to stop. I knew that this was brand new for me, and admittedly, I’m kind of slow. She listened to me, and we laughed the whole thing off. It didn’t really stop there though, she kept trying, and I kept refusing, until eventually I pulled my power move, a surefire way to keep her from touching me, developed by scientists with 300 iq.

I told her that I wouldn’t let her touch me unless we kissed.

A very juvenile, baby uwu kind of ultimatum. But It worked. She attached a lot of weight to kissing, and so did I. So for us to cross that threshold well, we would have to both be comfortable with it.

It wasn’t long until she kissed me.

And it wasn’t long until I stopped saying no.

the plan was a failure.

But now I figured that maybe this was just the start of something new.

I enjoyed spending time with her, we liked a lot of the same stuff, we would watch stuff together, and we would cuddle, which was amazing. To be just lazing together with your arm around someone is like being frozen in time together. It felt magical and it felt like I would never want to be anywhere else.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all like that. in every other aspect I felt not good enough. And I couldn’t help but compare myself to her ex, whom she would regularly bring up due to their relationship ending only a year ago. This part was hell for me, and I should’ve recognized it but I guess I figured I’d get used to it, or it would fade.

It never did.

The relationship ended three years later. We were talking on the phone and she brought up going on a date and getting in a new relationship. Because the relationship we were in was this kind of awkward half-step. I panicked, I must have asked her about it overly incredulously because she questioningly asked “I thought you didn’t want to be in a relationship?” to which I gathered myself and simply responded with “Ah. I didn’t.” and that was that.

Really though, the relationship ended months prior.

I didn’t know it at the time, but there was one night where she turned to me and bluntly said.

“I’m sorry for raping you.”

In my mind, we were still in the adjustment phase, things were settling. In my mind I think I just wanted to be with someone, and I enjoyed my time with her.

So I simply responded with.

“That’s okay, I wanted it.”

A half-truth that I believed in this fantasy world where we were in this romantic relationship.

It’s only in hindsight that I realized that this was where things really ended but admittedly, I’m kind of slow.

This was about six years ago. I don’t hold any ill will towards her because the fact of it was that it wasn’t her advances that made me uncomfortable around her. It was these expectations I had in my head. This fear that held me captive probably to the point where she questioned if I was interested herself.

That was my one relationship. And I fear something more now. I fear that I’m too old to be as inexperienced as I am in love. That relationship was hardly a relationship, and I fear that if I get into another one - at 30 - I’ll just be so far behind that I’d be a pain to deal with.

That in life and in love I’m just stuck developmentally, and my inexperience will from now unto forever be thought of as too much to deal with. That now more than ever, I am not good enough for love.

And that makes me afraid, because when you feel like that, you cling to any affection sent your way. And when you cling to affection, you end up in relationships that may just end up hurting even more.

I don’t know what to do, I keep telling myself “I’ll look into it when I get my shit together” you know, “When I get a career” “when I get on medication” “when I feel confident.”

But I honestly don’t know when that will be, and I’m only getting older. I’ve been feeling desperate this past year, and it feels ugly. Desperate in love, desperate in lust, desperate in life, and I feel so discomforted by it all. I want to find what I need to be humble, to be happy, to love and be loved.

I really hope that I’m headed in the right direction.

[emotional-toilet]

Recognized Passive Discomfort

Wow, just look at that mishmash of words that ultimately is bullshit. Well - not entirely. I don’t believe what I’m talking about here is something people generally should be concerned about. The reason I’m concerned about it is it’s what I feel. I get the sense that I’ve been making friends uncomfortable. Since my last posts about “Time Away” I haven’t been active - nothing has been happening. And, well. I already talked about nothing. I guess more than that I’ve noticed a friend seems to be more apprehensive about talking to me opting to use emojis only. Now the only reason that I see it as apprehensive is that this is what I do when I’m apprehensive. Sometimes I can’t formulate a response, but I just want the person to know that I’m there with them - so I do an emoji. I figure this is something similar. I don’t like feeling like I’ve been making them uncomfortable. I’m hoping that with this blog and the steps I’ve been taking that I’ll be able to improve my attitude, my demeanor, my ability to have fun again. I can recognize my more impulsive nature lately, and it scares me a little. I don’t feel out of control, but I’ve been using spending on games as a way to placate myself. Spending with this idea that I’ll get to it later - I haven’t been playing many games, and the games I have been playing have been the same old games I’ve always played. I don’t get a lot out of them, I assume it’s just a reflection of what I’ve been feeling this year. This passive draining. And as a result I am draining. It’s not all my fault, there are multiple variables making this depression cocktail that I’m cautiously sipping against my better judgement. Job, Age, career, friends. All of it is spinning in such a way that it hurts right now. But it won’t hurt forever.

I watched something I hadn’t ever really seen, but just saw glimpses of as a kid. An anime called Tenchi Muyo. Now I assumed this anime was harem anime prime and there wouldn’t be anything for me, but it’s actually kind of a good time. In the end - the very end - the last line of this series goes something like

“Round and round the carnival of life goes, it spins away but it’ll be back someday, you just have to wait for it.”

The sentiment I’ve heard before in other platitudes, but when I heard this I wanted to take it to heart. This idea that times are pressing, but there will be more good times to be had. It may or may not be true, but I need it to be true. I can recognize that I need to believe this. That they’ll return, and all I can do is live my life, and try my best. Maybe it’s too sweet, too pie in the sky. It’s not some big epiphany that I’m having, just more of an understanding. I need this, so I want to keep it. Can I believe or disbelieve something that I want, or is belief by nature an alluring whisper? Can we have agency in these things, and choose to live a better life, or am I just kidding myself? Who knows. It’s something to try though.

One day, this blog will most likely be private. Why? because I’m embarrassed by it. When I’m famous people will eventually track it down... But seriously, I don’t know. If I ever did become famous I’d want to be transparent. I’d want to show people that I’m flawed, to make them feel less alone. Everyone’s flawed but I believe we all have to find our own ways to cope. This method of coping is entirely unique in all of us, it’s perhaps the most unique thing about growing, and the thing that makes all of us feel so alone. But if we can have agency in what we believe, then we can surely have agency in improving our own lives.

I want to pursue my hobby for a living, but it was made clear by my own actions that it’s a struggle for me to do that. That if I achieved my dream, I would fall behind, I would fall short, and that’s not just a fear because I had a taste of it. I made something successful, and somehow it wasn’t enough. Anyone would take what I’ve had and run with it, but for me I still feel like I’m in quicksand. Maybe this is ADHD, maybe not. I don’t know, I’m feeling like it is, and the only thing convincing me of that is why would I choose to be what I am? What benefit do I gain from it really? I wish other people could understand that. I guess there are a lot of them that do, I’d just have to be brave enough to find them. Brave enough to communicate honestly and earnestly. I don’t feel very brave, I never have.

I have to be for me, I have to be brave at least just for me. To improve. To see the carnival again... No that’s cheesy as fuck. I’m going to acknowledge it just to make it slightly less fucking lame. I just want to be better, and I just want to not feel the things I feel when it comes to friends. But who knows, maybe it’s that feeling that creates the good times too. I guess this blog in a way is me accepting that part of me, at least in a way. That the good side, the empathetic, hard working side that wants to always be there for people, is also the side that desperately wants that in return. It gets subdued by this mess of anxiousness, and I retreat to the shell. But Maybe in this I can accept that other side, and bring the full thing out more.

There’s a song by Brad Mehldau called “Taming the Dragon”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hGDBLZJBcw

In the song they describe this duality, between the side of you that knows what’s best for you, and the side of you that’s wild and dangerous - the dragon. Both are one in the same, and both will exist no matter what you do. So in this song, they posit that you don’t want to get rid of the dragon, you want to tame it, so you can make use of this energy inside of you.

I think I feel similarly to this uncomfortable side of me that writes posts like this. There is good, but there’s a side of it that I just need to tame. I shouldn’t continue trying to snuff it out, but I just need to find a way to be more discerning. I think this blog is the start of that for me. I haven’t done any unwarranted dumps since I started, so maybe it really is working.

Here’s hoping.

[emotional-toilet]

Desperate

Desperate is the feeling I feel when I think about this need in me for connection. It’s weird that I haven’t had it before, but this group of friends is kind of the first group of friends I’ve had that I felt comfortable enough to be like this with. One of the things I’m trying to remind myself of is that not every friend group is going to be everything for everyone. I can’t expect this deeper connection or comfort from them, and in fact the way I’ve been most likely makes the entire thing feel more frigid. I want this to remind myself that not everyone has to be everything, that I should seek to be in more social situations so that I can find people to be this open with that want me to be. Because this is my problem, and solving it requires me to escape from the shell that I’ve built around myself.

[emotional-toilet]

Insecurity

A lot of things make me feel insecure. I have what I consider pretty much a motto at this point, and that’s simply the phrase “Nothing means nothing.” That means that when nothing is said, when you put yourself out there and get nothing in response it means nothing. There’s nothing you can discern from the absence of a response other than that a person did not respond. There are a myriad of reasons that they don’t respond, and not all of them have to do with you. Because of this, in lieu of of any communication, nothing means nothing. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s simply nothing.

My reasoning for this has to do with spite, in my experience I’ve heard many people talk about how they said or did nothing in response for understandable reasons, to someone and they took it all the way as a personal attack. The reason people take nothing as an attack has to do with insecurity. Obviously with this motto there’s a bit of honesty you need to have about communication. When I say nothing I mean nothing, I mean that where you are as an individual nothing has been communicated to you verbally or otherwise. This is meant to be a defense from the insecurity that can fill the silence, and not an excuse for apathy.

When I get nothing my mind goes all sorts of places, creates connections that don’t exist, creates fears and signs out of everything. My mind starts to go to a fearful, bitter place, where I just want someone to tell me I’m annoying or awful and be done with it - I get spiteful. To avoid this I repeatedly and silently just remind myself that nothing means nothing. I can sit here and process this myself and think it over, deduce if there’s any merit to my fears, but I won’t just react out of spite or insecurity, because this will absolutely create a problem where there may not even really be one.

As I write this I’m currently experiencing this. I’ve deduced that my nothing that I’ve gotten isn’t out of malice, but out of discomfort. As you can probably figure by now, when I go on these tangents I might make people uncomfortable, and undoubtedly, I’ve done that. The truth of it is that I’ve been upset, and while my friends want the best for me, there’s only so much of - this - someone can take before they have to respectfully remove themselves. Would I prefer someone tell me? would I prefer someone say - “hey, you’re being a bit too much”

A part of me thinks so...

Or, more likely I would just deconstruct myself over it. Regardless, at the moment I’m getting nothing, and I’m fearful over it. I’m uncomfortable by my own words, my dumps. For now I have to believe that nothing means nothing. I can’t just immediately be repentant and sent a dump apology at the slightest hint of discomfort because that just perpetuates that discomfort. That’s just me trying to make myself feel better.

I have to give them time to give me time.

Well, at least that’s how I feel about it.

[emotional-toilet]

ADHD

As a kid, I was diagnosed with what was then referred to as simply ADD. I didn’t really understand it at the time, and a lot of memories as a kid are fuzzy, but at some point my parents were hesitant to keep me on medication, and I told them that I didn’t like the way it made me feel. According to them, on medication I was very drowsy - very different; I don’t remember what it was like, but I recall that it really did improve my grades.

Before my diagnosis I’d failed the third grade, and to me the most impactful thing wasn’t the change in life style, it was the feeling of guilt. At a young age I felt below everyone, I was the only kid I knew who was held back, and in my mind it was like an official recognition that I was lesser. I remember lying to an old friend that moved away, when I had showed up with a school shirt that outed me as still being in 3rd grade because it was dated, I told him they gave me the wrong one. Throughout my school career whenever I would see people I used to know in the grades above me, I would feel just this immense shame, I would practically avoid them, and interactions were terse, brief.

I also later on would fail the 8th grade too, but at that point I remember not really minding. I remember feeling relieved that my friends were leaving for high school, and I could repeat the grade without feeling that shame. It’s an ugly rationalization, and I hate that I felt that way and just lied to everyone telling them I was going to see them next year.

I guess I’m ranting about all of this because I’m wondering if in part my change in character when i was on meds was due mostly to my situation, everything back then is such a blur, but I often question if my caginess with therapy, my gloomy mood, was due to the fact that I couldn’t have been happy with that feeling of shame. I think this is what I want to believe, now that I’m almost 30 years old, I have a new diagnosis of inattentive ADHD, and I’m finally considering the option of starting up on medication. I’m scared of what might happen, or how it might affect me, and I feel alone in all of this.

I guess everyone is when they go through this kind of stuff; Even if you have people close that you confide in, we’re all unique in the things we have to reconcile with. But right now, in my overnight job, I feel entirely separated from everything and utterly exhausted, and I worry that in my pursuit in a medication that works with me if I’m not hyper aware, I’ll get lost and nobody will be able to fish me out. I’ve always kept to myself until I actually made some friends that I felt like I could confide in, but now I feel like it often just pours out of me, and I feel like I’ve just been exhausting.

I know in reality things aren’t so dire, but it really does feel that way. It can’t be fun to listen to all of this.

[emotional-toilet]

Time away part 2

So, I almost immediately failed.

Well I wouldn’t consider it a complete failure. I just happened to see something that reminded me of some friends and went and shared it with them. I went right back to keeping myself from going on a tangent afterwards. It felt okay, and I suppose if I see something that makes me want to share something with my friends, I should do that regardless. The danger is that I’ll start to dump, but I’ve been keeping myself from doing it so far. That being said, I think looking for another community might be good for me. No idea for sure but, I definitely feel the urge, I just have to make sure I’m not just looking for another place to dump.

Oh, and let me clarify because I’ve been kind of speaking about emotional dumping in an overtly negative context. It’s not a bad thing to share emotions with the people you care about. In fact, I would say being honest with emotions allows those people to do anything about it - whether that’s comforting words or maybe even something more specific that only works with you. But dumping that I mention here is both in part something external and internal. I feel guilty for doing it, and it’s sort of a vice at the moment and that is the problem. So if you read this please know that I’m not using dumping as a blanket term for expressing struggles or feelings you’ve been experiencing.

[emotional-toilet]

Time away

What do you do if you feel pulled to isolate?

Recently I’ve been getting this feeling off and on that I want to distance myself from contact with friends for a bit.

I’m of two minds on this - and before I start let me just say that I’m not giving advice here; I’m simply writing what I’m feeling to try and find a solution.

Anyway, one side of me feels somewhat relieved at the idea. That maybe it would free me from social obligations for a bit and I could get back in touch with myself as I’ve been feeling kind of... less like myself lately. The other side sees it as some kind of cry for help that will ultimately be entirely impotent.

Most of my friends are online, so my fear is that I set out to distance myself, and I quickly realize that there’s nobody to talk to and go back.

That brings me to the most important thought surrounding this: Why do I want to in the first place? What about this contact makes me feel like I need distance? I assume it’s something with my own emotions. I’ve been a fairly distant person for most of my life, perhaps with things that are going on, I just want to retreat.

But I want them to be there when I come back, and I want to be there with them.

There it is, the dreaded insecurity, sought so often on my emotion wheel it’s practically worn through.

However this whole thing doesn’t need to be so dramatic. I don’t need to make an emotional heartfelt post about how I need time. I can just be less active, and if anyone calls out to me I’ll respond, and say that I just need some time.

But WHY?

What do I accomplish with this now-frequent impulse?

I feel this urge, but where does it come from. Is it all insecurity all the way down? Well, not really.

Guilt is in there too. Repentant Guilt according to the wheel. That feels about right. I’ve been guilty over how desperate I’ve been. The frequency of my stinky, verbose dumps. Not the healthiest emotion... But... Well

Maybe it’s not so bad if I took time away and realized it was a dumb mistake after the fact. I mean it’s not like I’m going to say “Bye forever guys, cya!” Maybe - if nothing else - that time away would ease that tension I feel, and prevent me from continuing this bad habit of mine for a time. I wouldn’t be gone completely, if I desperately needed to contact, or they desperately needed to contact me - it’d be possible. I would simply be purposefully making things less visible unless they needed to contact me directly.

There’s guilt I feel about that too... How I would be absent from them unless they called out to me... Do I just want attention? Is that a bad thing? Would it be obvious by me only responding to direct messages?

Though I guess it’s not like every comment they’re grading me on my attendance. We’re friends. I don’t demand they all comment on everything I have to say all the time.

I’ll do it, if nothing else but to report about it on the blog. I’ll start it now, and go to sleep. I’ll take notes and try to specify what I’m feeling and potentially why I’m feeling it.

[emotional-toilet]

Identity

Full disclosure, I’m a 30 year old male and I’m reminded of that every hour at least. It wouldn’t be fair to call my 20′s a waste - I certainly have done things, and have abilities that I’m proud of cultivating. But as an individual, those abilities haven’t yielded much for me. And my time spent cultivating them seemed to be in spite of feeling so out of place. Because of that, socially, I didn’t get up to much. I didn’t go to many shows, go on trips, go to parties, and all of that is ultimately my own fault. I mean at the very least I bear half the responsibility.

I live with my parents, and hold a retail job. I have no schooling, and any career dreams I might have related to my hobbies are all too apathetic to my very pathetic portfolio. I’m good at what I do, people tell me that I could “definitely get a job” doing what I like to do with my hobbies. But there’s some barrier there - something I put there myself, and until I can remove that barrier, I’ll be taking frequent dumps in the emotional toilet.

I don’t know what it will take, I have suspicions it’s in part ADHD, I recently sought to answer that question and - well - yeah I was diagnosed. There’s a lot to wrap my head around, and I feel like I just want to get what works and finally feel content - finally achieve something that can give me that freedom I want

The freedom to just do the things I want to do, to not feel like I can’t keep up and ultimately just not be taken seriously.

God that brings up a lot of memories. There’s some spite that exists inside of me, but ultimately it’s impotent. 

People don’t exist to spite you, and that’s something I’ve held onto for years.

This isn’t some grand conflict. This isn’t some story and you’re the main character fighting back against the forces of evil that are constantly conspiring.

The vast majority are just people kind of... bouncing off of each other.

Jeez what the fuck am I talking about. just a wave of half-memories crashed into my toilet boat and sent it careening right into platitude bay.

Well I’ll go ahead and end the post now. Maybe I’ll elaborate on some of this, maybe not. We’ll see...

[emotional-toilet]

I made this blog because I dump too much

I dump too much to my friends, So i made this blog to dump freely. This blog is essentially my notebook. The contents of it probably won’t be anything particularly noteworthy, but there’s a lot of feelings of inferiority, guilt, and...

Insecurity... Gloomy... Out of control... and anxious... I think that pretty much sums me up right now.

I probably won’t be dumping about anything but things related to those emotions; They’re kind of the most prevalent ones right now.  But I need to make sure I keep this about me. I tend to want to entertain, but the point is that this is a place where I just let everything out whenever I feel it. I’ll be pulled to do both, but at the end of the day I need to make sure that this stays a place where I can just say what I’m feeling

The emotion wheel is something I hadn’t heard of until my therapist told me about it. See a lot of my therapy sessions are me staring into space trying to load the next cutscene, and sometimes I really have trouble describing how I feel, so this little wheel does help.

You start right there in the center, and you work your way out until you have a more specific idea of how you’re feeling. It helps in a pinch when you think “oh I don’t know how that makes me feel”

It’s kind of neat. I like it.