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emotionalanono-blog · 8 years

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3-5-17

this is gonna sound weird, but i feel like i feel nothing. lets rant:) okay so my mind is just going to wander for a bit. i feel like im not "good enough" for a lot of guys. i feel like a lot of people talk shit about me. i feel like i might be cheating ( word wise, not actions. i dont DO abything but i flirt). i feel like me and my best friend are seperating. i have a hard time with relationships. maybe its the commitment part, or keeping feelings, idk. --- was the person ive held feelings for the longest. when i flirt i say stuff that i dont do. i feel pressured to be more "sexually advanced" i guess you could say. i feel like i have a lot of fake friendships nowadays. i feel like ive lost a lot of friends and im left with ---, to be my stabilizer, and --- to pour my emotions to. --- knows all of my feelings toward everything and im hapoy she hasnt used that against me yet. i need to hang out with ---. i miss her and i want to pour my emotions out to her and just cry. i havent cried in a long time. like not just cry, but really cry. like i used to. this will sound bad, but i want to be happy again. like i was with ---. listen. im happy, but he brought out the best in me. him being happy made my whole life shine. i lowkey wish we were still together, but i dont want to think about that. oh! and i highkey lost feelings for ---. i think from a combination of not seeing him everyday, and how different of people we are. damn it. i thought we wouldve lasted longer this time. oh well, heres to another self- realization page. -

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emotionalanono-blog · 8 years

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just to get you up to speed

11-16-16 dear ex boyfriend- i miss the things we did and sometimes i really just miss you but i have made peace (but i actually havent)on why we broke up bc there are somethings that im glad are over- dealing with drama and making decisions just seemed so much easier when we were together. i never had to worry about anything with you beside me-you keep saying that i will never like you again because thats what i told you once before, but when has that ever stopped you ? you keep saying that we cant date because we cant see each other, because my family hates you, but you don't realize that if you are my happiness, they cant take you away from me. you say i dont love you, but i will always love you, at least a little, and ive said that before but you dont pay attention. you dont care. i know youve moved on, and ive said i have too, but sometimes, i just get tied up in your eyes, and i want you to hold me one more time. i want you to hold my body close to yours again and look at me in my eyes with love. i want you to gently grab my face and kiss me, even though i was scared about going too fast. i want you to take it slow. let me get used to you again, like i once was. every once in a while when we talk in public, even though your with someone else, you bring up some of our past, making me remember why i loved you so much it hurt. it was the things we did together and how it made me feel. it didnt have to do with what you looked like, it was just the way you talked to me that made me feel safe. made me love you. every time i look at you, i get lost. i stare and you stare back. but when we talk over text, it seems like we are distant. like tonight. tonight we talked about how you and your new girlfriend are different from me and you. you say things you do, and it hurt a little inside because i remember, so clearly, how you just wanted to do that with me, but i didnt want to. then we talked about us. it was great for a moment, then it just took a turn. you asked for pictures at the end of our conversation, and it reminded me of one thing that made me mad about you. i know its wrong to think, and i know you told me differently before, but i cant help but think kissing, and pictures was all you wanted. i would look at myself, thinking why would you want that from me? thats where i believed that you didnt just want that. but some parts of me still weren't convinced. when we broke up, it was painful. you cried, i felt guilty, but i knew it was the right thing. i think now, that maybe sometimes i want you because i feel lonely. maybe im not as independent as i think i am. im always tired but never of you. 12-08-16//i asked you how you felt about everything and you said this: ---. What isn't there to say about you. Your amazing. One of my best friends through the hard and the easy times. Your always there when I need you. And I try to be there for you. You make me smile. And you've made me cry but it's for the best. Now we are just kinda mutual with each other and I know that secretly we both miss dating. It was an amazing experience. I honestly get tongue tied talking to you Bc your so beautiful and like I just get really nervous even after all this time. Yeah I tell you I hate you but it's only a joke. I could never hate you. I still love you and honestly --- you were my first love. It's like I never wanted to be away from you and you were the first girl that I wanted to text every Minute of every day. I still enjoy talking to you and face timing is lit. But nothing with be as lit as when we dated. It was so cringe but it was cute at the same time. I want to feel that again and I would really enjoy having that opportunity again. But your family hates me so we would probably never be able to see each other and honestly hurts that your family doesn't like me Bc I loved coming over and seeing you and your family. It was so fun hanging out and every time we did we make new memories. But all in all. Your amazing and I will love you forever and always. 12-13-16 i miss you but i want someone new. but i dont want anyone else at the same time. i want to be with you but i know i cant. talking to you reminds me of how much i miss when you called me babe, baby or baby girl. i know we aren't committed to each other, but i still want to be the only one your talking to but i know im not. the worst part is that we cant be together. and not just because of my family. but because of a feeling i have deep down that says no. yet from that same place, it is saying yes. ive never had this much conflict over someone. but theres a first for everything, and you were both my first love, and kiss. i remember how for such a long time you were the reason i did the things i did. whether i meant it that way or not. i think the reason i broke up with you was because getting you was too easy, because i already had you. i like a challenge. not too much, to where i think your not interested, but just enough so ill love you more. and thats how it was until we dated, and then it got too easy. challenges are fun for me. and when i say challenge i hope you dont get it confused with competition. i like when you challenge me, not make me compete with another girl for you. that i do not find joy in. when i say it got too easy when we were dating, dont get me wrong, i absolutely loved the way, and how much you loved and cared for me. i also think i put way too much thought into what you say, and you in general. you dont even give me an extra second than needed (i think). 12-16-16 well this was unexpected. im texting you and you said you loved me. we've been saying it but you said you meant it fr. i said idk tbh how i feel and ik thats not what you wanted to hear. 1-19-17 happy new year. on january 9 2016 was when i broke up with you. i havent dated anyone for over a year now. probably because dating is kinda scary to me. you never are 100% sure of what the other person is thinking or doing when your not there. if they aren't texting you who are they texting. but, besides that, i really like ---. and he likes me, so i think. and i want to date him, i really do, but like i said dating is scary. 1-22-17 im dating ---. we started dating 1-20-17. im kinda scared. but im going to do what i think is right for everything. i like him. he likes me. im trying to keep myself out of --- hair. and keep him out of mine. i dont like ---, i know i dont, but when im cold in the morning when i see him, its like my body warms up. maybe because im distracted by him, but it does. but --- makes me happy when im with him. god, i know i cant be with --- forever, and i know me and --- wont last forever, but god i just want to stop worrying about it. i dont want to have to worry about catching up with --- and falling again. i hate hurting people and thats how relationships always end. with someone getting hurt. thats why i hate dating. ugh i want to cry. deep breaths. why do i get myself into these messes. you were perfectly fine without anyone. god why do i do this. for now, im treating --- like how i have been. bc i know he wont kiss. the only thing i have to do, that i dont like doing, is say i love you. i dont like doing it, because i dont mean it. at least not yet. why am i already thinking about this. we only dated for 2 days. im tearing up. frik me. im done before i start regetting all of this. until next time- anon

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