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[empapaya]

Music is my food, it’s my love language of gift giving

Or perhaps I will provide you with tools of self sufficiency in support of your goals.

Sustenance or prosperence?

The fish or the net?

[empapaya]

Last month of may

Spring did bring a new suitor

Erev Yom Haaztmaut

4 May 2022

[empapaya]

Remnants of your shadow are squatting in my city

As old facades reminisce in your absence

On a four day romance

That turned in to a two year delay

1 May 2022

[empapaya]

A mix of lust and heart break

Boredom and restlessness throb to escape

Inside two worlds

Kisses tightly enveloped in joy

1 Nov 2021

[empapaya]

“Don’t be too serious about it ‘cause when you try to be too serious , you won’t do it. It’s a waste of your time”

- Nicolas Hlobo

[empapaya]

Reputation. An answer

No more care, anymore.

Reputation is zero.

Non existent

People who are most content do not live with the burden of reputation.

Reputation does not determine kindness

You can be kind without thinking of reputation or what people think of you

Kindness must come from within, from compassion and the present, less from the need to uphold an image or impression you believe society has of you.

That is why it is so refreshing and healing to start living someplace new. No one knows you.

Nowadays we live in social media world. You are always known. Every expression observed, every step traceable . You can’t hide, neither can you change, as long as reputation is important to you. You start feeling trapped and unhappy, unresolved and dreadful.

Do you live with reputation?

I have become hyper aware of my presence, online and offline. So eager to maintain an acceptable image. So much that no image is better than a risky image. I have become nothing, invisible and safe. Safe from conflict and confrontation. Safe from troublemakers and problematic life energy wasters.

First I need to be ok with rejecting others.

Then I need to be ok with being rejected.

Because by rejecting others you are going to be rejected yourself, automatically. You will no longer be seen as a delicate wallflower. You will be seen as a force to resist, therefore you will face resistance.

The last time I communicated any thoughts on this wavelength, it ended a dear friendship, caused awkward damage and estranged me from making any healthy relationships. There needs to be a rule, for safety:

Never address anyone specific. This is a general thought diary. If you think I’m weird or repulsive , it’s on you to filter my presence out of your life. It is not my responsibility to filter it for you. I exist. I choose what I do. I try my best to be kind, but I cannot be constrained to uphold a kind reputation. Fuck reputation.

6 April 2022

[empapaya]

Thought cancer

I don’t know why I feel so much pain and resistance to life, why I feel paralysed in indecision and reprioritisaton. Why I feel so sure I am on the wrong path, and why I am so unsure on where to go.

6 April 2022

[empapaya]

I feel like I’m living 100 lives a minute a day.

Whatever happened to the rest of the minutes was probably lost from snoozing on the commute.

[empapaya]

Sometimes I wish people would forget I exist.

But I can’t admit that to anyone because it would devastate them.

I’m stuck between an anxiety to please people and anxiety to please myself.

Building a good persona so that no one worries

Or at least that’s what I believe I should be doing.

In reality I am wasting my time living using up available comforts and misunderstanding ambition. I have no ambition, only burdened responsibility, shame, and fatigue.

I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to be afraid. I hide from any work or stress, as though I carry trauma.

Obviously there is none. I was born in to perfect circumstances, and lived with perfect circumstances. Good family who cared and loved, friends who treated me better than I deserved. Am I acting traumatised from observed realities experienced vicariously? have I taught myself to live through the screen instead of reality?

None of it is real.

30 march 2022

[empapaya]

We are all in love with our demon’s past,

The special individuals who taught us what love even meant,

Who gave us a gift that we won’t dare return:

The hope that spreads light and gives purpose to every glance or chatter exchanged

What’s wrong?

Has a demon come afloat and taken you hostage?

Or just that simplicity awoke inside and you realised that this madness is true.

24 October 2021

[empapaya]

Write not to think when your thoughts make you write

Whilst living a dead woman’s life

[empapaya]

Our similarities disconnect us

The expectation of meeting something new turns in to disappointment

And lost touch confuses the purpose increasingly as two weeks fold and personal time misses reality and you find yourself falling through fog and spinning in to cotton walls, masking a less speculative life ahead

20 sep 2021

[empapaya]

What can one do to fall in love again, everyday

Smelling the rooftop dawn and remnants of a storm I came to calm

The turmoil of chatter and stories that fuelled a fondue of memories. Rising up to gradual plateaus of our questionable lives.

Living in limbo, focused on the fold between our two worlds.

To remiss blindness, we must draw energy to creative tasks.

To learn to fall in love with life again

Love, music, art and nature

—

Nothing ever good happens after 2 in the morning

4 sep 2021

[empapaya]

Undecided Coin

So deep inside out

What do I need to do to reach you

Like crispy leaves crumpling in autumn

Awaiting the winter bare

Deep troubles unpleasant to hear

A butterfly of the mind?

Or a substantial grind

Heartbeat bumps 3000 miles from yours

Does yours ache like mine

Hoping this glitch has not rotted our core

A vengeance of no returns

The last draw before death parts and two faces surrender

The last summer, famine awaits

And spring shall bring a new suitor

Befitting after a healed soul

Blossomed from prideful past love forever

Undecided coin

3 sep 2021

[empapaya]

He Used To Whisper

Walk beside a city grave convinced that water can behave The wave came close then fades away to the rocks that glisten a questionable stare Talks beside a monument that shadows the bereaved bench He used to spread his legs and sit with borges books just waiting under bare oaken trees Now he walks beside the ants enslaved to hang their raincoats in discontent He used to clench a dripping glass and flail his arms despite gravity With brevity he now flocks beside a spray of grey that thumps and slaps the walls that once were a city grave He glances back to a blind spotted corner displaying lingerie in red soaked manner And drapes that once belonged to a fighter flaunter He used to stare distracted and force paper to grieve his greed to waving silhouettes Now he squints at wind and holds his palm to deem redemption And shakes at skin gripping hairy stares that glance back to a mirror seeing a hollow inspection He used to whisper rhythms and drag chairs tied to melodies, swinging eyes round swinging briefs boxed in bow tight bare He used to show his teeth when men squealed and braved his stare, but now he sits and screeches pencil to numbed graveyard chairs. He drones and hangs his phone by its skinny bones and bites in to a spineless sponge. Inhaling once before returning to sing his silence glancing to the drooping sun, once more. (skeleton for a man’s past)

4 Jun 2019

[empapaya]

Exposé

Barely at ten I learnt that what I see does not belong to me.

That can only be true to justify what was seen of me

I still own my body

Still own my dignity

And what was seen does not take away from me

Am I still intact that I nearly have thirty

--

What was seen of me still belongs to me

Did not lose pride or energy

And if I did, it was not taken from me

22 aug 2021

[empapaya]

There are people Who read Who check emails Who watch Who entertain Who anticipate Who learn Who chat And interact Who play mind exercises Who obverse Who pretend And criticise Who talk on the phone And argue with their partner Who make new aquaintances Whos eyes fall asleep Those who lecture About government conspiracies And how the vaccine works And those who make lists On soduko amateurs Those who cradle their laptops Utilising precious minutes And those who reminisce on this morning’s bliss

// 

3 hour passport control at Heathrow

25 aug 2021