empatheticagent

[empatheticagent]

[empatheticagent]

Ray raised his hands in a calming gesture.

"You don't necessarily need to get the words out al the time. Sometimes...it's okay to just sit with them. Acknowledge them and...let yourself feel them." He felt it was a poor explanation of what he'd been told by Dr Salvi and Cassie, but it was an attempt at least.

He tensed when he saw the tears, habitually running a hand through his hair before nodding.

"Okay," Ray said. "Okay. So... there are two options here. One probably messier than the other. I can make you feel them, by reading the emotions and amplifying them back. I'd prefer to do that it a training room though as it can get uh... smashy." There was a hint of a smile and a shrug as if to say 'ask me how I know'.

"Or... somewhat more invasive, but I can project and uh- well psychically help untangle some of the mess." Surely there wouldn't be anything worse than the time he'd accidentally done it and briefly met Merc, right?

"I don't. know. how." Sterling struggled to get the words out, his eyes watering. "They won't come out. I've tried. I... I haven't told anyone. Ever." He rubbed his face with both hands, hoping to reign his emotions back in but his chest and breathing shook. The effort of just keeping himself from dissolving was draining him. Expending more to just be ok was shutting him down.

'It's ok to be a fucking mess.' Emma's golden advice to him back when Merc had happened and he'd had a panic attack at work echoed in his mind. She'd been right, he knew it, and he thought of her words often. However, he never listened to them, did he?

With Ray's offer to help, not bury it with his powers, Sterling looked up just as the tears finally fell down his cheeks.

"Please."

[empatheticagent]

Ray bit his lip as he watched and listened. It was...strange being on the other end of this. Wrong. Not that he thought no one else could feel down or be struggling, more so that it was Sterling. The one who many saw as the agent.

Like people talked about Coulson.

But that was the problem, wasn't it? The constant pressure to be that perfect agent. The never-ending paperwork and danger when you were out and about. And the holding it all together to keep up that appearance.

I'm so tired of being told how well I'm carrying everything...

And there it was.

Ray had seen hints of it when they'd caught up a few months back and for a moment looked guilty. Damn it, he'd seen it and not really followed up as they'd gotten caught up in their own departments.

The empath slowly shook his head. Rather than making Sterling coffee, he turned and grabbed a small bottle of water out of a minifridge built into the little coffeemaking counter. He simply placed it on the table for Sterling to take if he wanted.

"Mate," he said slowly, gently. "I would absolutely not recommend holding it in. Take it from someone who knows."

They'd both experienced what holding in emotions did, Ray thinking of the time Sterling had had to help clean up the mess following Ray and Phillipa's fight in the break room after she had set off Ray while he was fragile and bottling up both his own and other people's collected emotions.

Think. What have you been instructed to do when you're struggling?

"You're allowed to not be okay. You're allowed to say it. Hell, ya need to say it." Ray paused, carefully considering options. Obviously, calling in someone like Dr Salvi would not be a wise choice. Sterling needed to make those kind of moves on his own.

"I can help... If you'd like. I don't mean just helping bury it either."

He decided not to overwhelm Sterling by going over the options straight away, deciding it was better to wait and see if he was even interested, or if he simply wanted someone to listen.

Despite Ray gesturing toward the seat, Sterling remained standing. Something about that felt better. No, maybe not better. It felt right? Like if he sat he might shatter. Standing felt stronger. The fight of flight response in him wouldn't allow him to sit.

At the question, Sterling froze and his eyes locked on the floor. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. They refused. He'd tried. He just couldn't get the words out. They were trapped inside of him like a rubber ball in a tiny room, bouncing around breaking things with nowhere to go.

"There's this... pit in my stomach. And I can't... I don't know why it's there and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what it is and it's... hollowing me out from the inside. I don't know how to make it stop."

He closed his eyes and his shoulders and head dropped in defeat.

"I'm so tired of being told how well I'm carrying everything because I'm just fucking not. It's exhausting but... I don't know how to stop pretending it's not."

[empatheticagent]

[empatheticagent]

Ray made an effort to close the door gently, not wanting to risk disturbing the fragile state he could see. He turned toward Sterling then, a pained look briefly crossing his face as he watched his friend. It wasn't from picking up the feelings though, Ray had that channel closed tight at that moment, knowing it would do no good to pick the emotions up and get hit with them himself.

Sure, Ray was used to the body language, but mostly when it had been his own. Not like this. Not from Sterling.

"No," Ray said gently. "Don't- You don't need to apologize mate."

He gestured towards one of the armchairs to one side of the office.

"We've been through this plenty of times. You've seen me at some pretty bloody low moments and always stopped to help," And I would have probably been dead if you hadn't that first time.

"Uh... can't say what, exactly?" Okay, so he wasn't an expert at this. Cassie was far better, or Dr Salvi. But Sterling was his friend and he'd come here, so Ray would try his best to help.

Sterling felt the familiar touch of calm and knew it had to have been Ray holding him together. The nudge was needed and he mouthed a quick "Thank you" as the feeling washed over him, even just a smidge. He hadn't come to Ray to cover up the feelings, he'd come to Ray in hopes of some way to manage it. After all, Ray had gone through a lot and he not only had to manage his own feelings in the process but those of everyone around him. If anyone could help him take the next steps it was Hartell.

When the door of Ray's office had been closed behind them, Ray witnessed something very few people had in the past.

Sterling's lips trembled. His shoulders dropped. He ran a hand through his hair and kept it there gripping his locks in frustration. His eyes watered. He looked... utterly defeated.

"I... I haven't been to therapy in over a month. I just... I can't go. I can't... say it. And I know she's going to ask and I... I can't tell her so why even go?" He was breathing hard now, his words coming a little quicker than he had planned. Desperate. "I'm sorry. To put this all on you."

[empatheticagent]

"Yeah, nah. It's- nah, it's not good," Ray said quietly. He looked at Sterling with concern as he studied his friend.

The brief slip in the body language was the biggest alarm to Ray, even if it was the most subtle. Ray had seen Sterling stressed and tired before, but never to a point where he was struggling to keep his professionalism he was so known for, without it being a controlled release.

That and the amount of dark colours swirling around him. Sure there were a few other colours, but those only seemed to be the emotions tied to being in such a state.

I'm not sure... what to do.

Ray took in a sharp breath in response to the words. They were familiar, sure, but usually from himself. Never from Sterling. He glanced over at the trainees, then decided they'd be fine waiting a few minutes alone for Nic.

"Come on," he said quietly, heading to leave the training room.

He reached a hand out, gently nudging Sterling's shoulder to make sure he had his attention. That and it came with just a small feeling of calm, not enough to remove anything Sterling was feeling, but enough to help make sure he'd keep it together on the ay to the office. Thankfully it was just further down the corridor.

Fortunately, Ray (and his cousin Cassie) had been teaching ASL to anyone they were working regularly with, on the off chance Ray was having one of his off days.

Rather than interrupting Sterling and Ray b acknowledging verbally, the young man nodded and signed a thank you before going over to the cookies, fetching one for both himself and the other trainee.

Ray watched the two for a moment before turning to study Sterling. He returned the smile, always glad to see (and actually have) his friends, but he could feel something was... off. The empath closed his eyes for a moment, it much quicker process these days to activate his 'empath vision'.

I... I'm... struggling

He didn't need to hear the words to know that. A look of alarm briefly crossed Ray's face, both out of concern for Sterling and the fact he hadn't been expecting so much and had to close his eyes again, brow furrowed as he worked to make sure that he wasn't going to take on any of that emotion himself.

Ray let out a breath of relief once he had it under control.

"That's a lot of grey..." he muttered to himself. Ray sprang into action then, none of the awkward indecision he'd have had in the past.

Pulling out his phone, he quickly sent Nic a message, asking him to come and take over training and then quickly signed to the trainees to stay and wait for the older agent. Ray then turned back to Sterling.

"We can talk in my office, if you'd prefer," he said.

He doubted Sterling wanted to discuss personal matters in front of strangers in a training room, when there was an option of a private, comfortable office that also happened to have coffee.

[empatheticagent]

Fortunately, Ray (and his cousin Cassie) had been teaching ASL to anyone they were working regularly with, on the off chance Ray was having one of his off days.

Rather than interrupting Sterling and Ray b acknowledging verbally, the young man nodded and signed a thank you before going over to the cookies, fetching one for both himself and the other trainee.

Ray watched the two for a moment before turning to study Sterling. He returned the smile, always glad to see (and actually have) his friends, but he could feel something was... off. The empath closed his eyes for a moment, it much quicker process these days to activate his 'empath vision'.

I... I'm... struggling

He didn't need to hear the words to know that. A look of alarm briefly crossed Ray's face, both out of concern for Sterling and the fact he hadn't been expecting so much and had to close his eyes again, brow furrowed as he worked to make sure that he wasn't going to take on any of that emotion himself.

Ray let out a breath of relief once he had it under control.

"That's a lot of grey..." he muttered to himself. Ray sprang into action then, none of the awkward indecision he'd have had in the past.

Pulling out his phone, he quickly sent Nic a message, asking him to come and take over training and then quickly signed to the trainees to stay and wait for the older agent. Ray then turned back to Sterling.

"We can talk in my office, if you'd prefer," he said.

He doubted Sterling wanted to discuss personal matters in front of strangers in a training room, when there was an option of a private, comfortable office that also happened to have coffee.

Ray couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at Sterling's words. He chose not to ask just then why the stress baking though, focusing instead on Sterling's own question.

"Yeah, of course I do," Ray replied. "What's up?"

He looked over at the trainees, gently nudging them with a bit of calm, a silent signal at them to take a break.

The taller one nodded his acknowledgement and went aside to collect a drawing pad and pencil from his bag on a seat.

The younger one -who looked late teens at the most- pulled a pair of gloves out of his pocket, looking much like the ones Ray himself used to wear. He stood watching Ray and Sterling curiously as he pulled them on.

[empatheticagent]

//have a happy Pug :)

I need puppers

I just saw a post where people were posting their cats for someone who needed to feel better -  I need cute puppers. Puppers of every size and color and shape. I need them all. Show me your pups and tell me a little about them. I want to love them all. 

[empatheticagent]

Ray couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at Sterling's words. He chose not to ask just then why the stress baking though, focusing instead on Sterling's own question.

"Yeah, of course I do," Ray replied. "What's up?"

He looked over at the trainees, gently nudging them with a bit of calm, a silent signal at them to take a break.

The taller one nodded his acknowledgement and went aside to collect a drawing pad and pencil from his bag on a seat.

The younger one -who looked late teens at the most- pulled a pair of gloves out of his pocket, looking much like the ones Ray himself used to wear. He stood watching Ray and Sterling curiously as he pulled them on.

Sometimes Ray still couldn't quite believe he was where he was at now. He would have occasional moments where he expected to wake up and find himself still in the nightmare that was the post-Bancroft period.

Thankfully, that never did happen. He really was doing better. He really did have a growing circle of agents and friends he trusted.

He really had helped Marco revive Bancroft's old department and make it there own, to help ensure no one ever got caught up in something like Project SABRE again.

And here he was, even training new recruits himself while Marco was busy in a meeting. It was just himself and the two trainees in the room for the time being.

Ray didn't have to hear the man's voice to know who was there. He sensed the familiar presence even before turning to look.

"Gimme a sec'," he said quietly to a young man with scruffy, chin-length brown hair before turning.

"Of course you're not interrupting," Ray replied to Sterling. "You're always welcome to stop by. Especially if you bring cookies," he added jokingly.

[empatheticagent]

WHAT LOW ACTIVITY & SLOW REPLY MEANS:

it means i want to be here, i really do 

it means that i have, whether i like it or not, more important things to do than roleplay at the moment

it means that replies are going to sit for a moment

WHAT IT DOESN’T MEAN:

that i care any less

that i don’t want to talk / plot with you

that you aren’t allowed to IM me or ask for my disco

Sometimes Tumblr has to take a back burner, and that’s fine! Roleplay will still be here when we get back. So take that day to yourself. Don’t worry about drafts. Don’t worry about how “slow” you are being. Everything is okay!

[empatheticagent]

It was one bowl of spaghetti too far. The boy had spent the rest of his lunch hour in the bathroom, trying with shaking hands, to wash the tomato stains from the legs of his cream coloured cargo pants. Jake and his friends' laughter echoed in his mind. He could practically see Jake's eyes staring up at him with alarm, from the school floor. Milo still had the violin clutched in his hands. Was that stealing, given it belonged to the school? He didn't really care. The instrument was invisible as he clutched it with both hands, squished it to his chest.

He was just so angry. Emotions he'd been suppressing for months had bubbled over, and now they were set loose. His foster parents were supposed to come to the school, to talk to the principal, because he was in trouble. Alongside Jake, but still. He'd only gotten payback. Why should he be in trouble for that? And as nice as his foster parents were this time, he couldn't help but feel it should be his Mama coming to the office. And his Dad. But they couldn't. Because they were stuck in a couple of cells. Because of Shield.

Milo hardly processed what he was doing, as he searched the organization up on his phone. As he used the school's wifi to locate the nearest headquarters and found his feet setting off in it's direction. The boy trailed through the halls a while later, unseen by the agents who passed him by. Would he recognize the people who had found he and Cas, that night, if they were there? He wasn't sure. It hadn't been that long, but that whole event was a bit fuzzy in his mind. Was he searching for them? Was that why he was there? He didn't really know. And it's not like they still had his parents. What was he going to do? They weren't Jake. They were scary.

Maybe they'd lock him away too, if they discovered him roaming around. Maybe he'd get a cell next to his Dad's...

Feet growing tired from the long venture, and growing more uncertain as to what he should do now that he'd gotten himself into even bigger trouble, the boy spotted an empty office with the door cracked open. He slipped inside. There was a bird on the wall. Paperwork on the desk.

He curled up on one of the comfy chairs, releasing his invisibility on the violin, since it was taking up extra energy to keep it hidden. Milo pressed his fist to his teeth to stifle the sound as he started to cry. (doubleofloor)

@doubleofloor

Ray had been busy talking with Marco about their work -one Inhuman in particular- and had been in Marco's office.

"Hey, agent Jordan can you-" he started as he walked out into the main room of the department, freezing when he saw the empty reception desk.

"Now where's he got to...?" the empath sighed.

Looking around the office, he first noticed the open door. Ray started towards it, but paused again.

There was an uneasy feeling in the room. He took a deep breath to focus and, as he let it go, the everyday colours of the room faded as his empath vision kicked in.

It didn't take him long to spot the source of unease, Ray frowning as he studied the swirling storm of angry reds and upset blues and greys. He barely noticed the seemingly floating violin. He might not have been able to see who was sitting on their office couch, but he could certainly see the empty space where they should be, in the center of the colours.

Slowly, trying to avoid drawing attention, Ray pulled out his phone and typed a quick message to Marco, warning him not to suddenly come out of his office (and to deal with agent Ted Jordan, who left the office unwatched).

Once he was done, Ray put his phone away and focused on emitting just enough calm to hopefully avoid the intruder from getting angrier and lashing out.

"Uh... Hey," he said gently to the empty space. "...are you alright?"

Obviously he knew the answer, but they didn't know that so it seemed like a good conversation starter.

[empatheticagent]

What are some things you have around your office? :)

"Paperwork," Ray huffed. "Oh, and more paperwork! Nah, it's not too bad. There is some though. I'd say 'forms for new recruits' but that's paperwork too. Uh..."

He pauses to look around.

"Well... they aren't the same old ones, from the previous head's office, but we've got the standard desks and upgraded computers. And a small sitting area with comfier chairs for when we -or visitors- need to just uh, chill. Oh. And that,"

He gestures over to the wall beside the door to Marco's private office. It was something they'd spent a lot of time discussing and trying to decide whether or not they should-

There was a framed painting of a kookaburra, with a small plaque below it reading 'in memory of SHIELD agent Clay Weiss'.

"Because, y'know... there wouldn't be anyone left from the old department if it weren't for him," Ray explains with a small smile.

[empatheticagent]

What year did you start at Shield, Ray?

"Bloody hell, you're asking difficult questions now!" Ray laughed. "Can't remember exactly. Just know it was before HYDRA tore us all apart. It was after the whole 'aliens in New York' thing though."

[empatheticagent]

Have you ever met Mantis, Ray? She's got a similar ability to yours, I wonder how they'd interact.

Ray tilted his head a little to one side, thinking.

"Mm... nah. I can't say I have actually. Not a name I'm familiar with, sorry."

[empatheticagent]

How are you doing, Ray?

Ray brushed a hand through his hair. He then paused, holding his hand out to look at, thinking back on how in the past he couldn't bring himself to even approach other agents without gloves on - and even then still flinched away from touch.

How long ago had that been now?

Years he realised with a bit of surprise.

"...'m doing pretty good now actually."

[empatheticagent]

Raaaaaaay! :D

XD [that was my reaction too when I actually got something written. Hello anon! :) ]

[empatheticagent]

Sometimes Ray still couldn't quite believe he was where he was at now. He would have occasional moments where he expected to wake up and find himself still in the nightmare that was the post-Bancroft period.

Thankfully, that never did happen. He really was doing better. He really did have a growing circle of agents and friends he trusted.

He really had helped Marco revive Bancroft's old department and make it there own, to help ensure no one ever got caught up in something like Project SABRE again.

And here he was, even training new recruits himself while Marco was busy in a meeting. It was just himself and the two trainees in the room for the time being.

Ray didn't have to hear the man's voice to know who was there. He sensed the familiar presence even before turning to look.

"Gimme a sec'," he said quietly to a young man with scruffy, chin-length brown hair before turning.

"Of course you're not interrupting," Ray replied to Sterling. "You're always welcome to stop by. Especially if you bring cookies," he added jokingly.

Sterling had been working very hard at keeping up relationships in the last few months. He had been keeping people at arms length for so long, when he'd started making real progress in therapy he decided he needed to find his way back to having close friendships again. Ray was one of the top people on his list. Things had gone so far sideways with Bancroft that could have been avoided so easily if someone had been paying closer attention to Ray and his needs. He didn't want his friend and colleague to ever feel that lost again.

So he'd been checking in.

He'd been giving Hailey some of Aimee's old clothes and swapping parenting tips with Ray on how to navigate as a spontaneous girl parent.

He's been planning regular lunches with him to catch up.

Honestly, it was so nice to see Ray finally thriving. Without all the confusion and negativity of Bancroft, without being used and isolated and stricken with grief. With the right support system Ray was finally becoming his best self and Sterling couldn't have been more proud.

"Am I interrupting?" Sterling announced his presence, knocking twice on the door frame to the training area. He'd taken a few laps around the department to find Ray and wasn't at all disappointed to see he was in the middle of training some new recruits. "I brought cookies."

@empatheticagent