empressledge - Tumblr blog

[empressledge]

carbonated milk

posted one month ago on my Patreon! original text by @homunculus-argument, @catgirlwheels, and @writingtoolofdubiousintegrity can be found here 💗

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Trader Joseph Pancakes (TJ), the tiny kitten I helped rescue from a storm drain outside my local Trader Joe's, celebrating my 40th birthday. He has no idea what's going on, has only been here for two days, but he's game for a party.

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No one tells you when you get a Big Serious Job™ how many fucking abbreviations you’ll be forced to learn.

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Sometimes a Son’s Greatest Fear is Becoming His Father

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War with raccoons

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oh my god finally I found it, the original audio

years I have spent convinced the other video wasn't the original source with absolutely no evidence and now I am vindicated

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hey, can my cat stay on your blog for a little while?

i'm going out of town for the night and could use someone to watch her

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they're gonna violate food safety standards we've never even heard of

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"kill them with kindness" WRONG. chair attack 🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑

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my brother was making fun of me and our other brother for having the same haircut, and we were immediately like "what the fuck are you talking about? you had this EXACT SAME haircut like a year ago. this is your haircut too. jackass." so we start arguing back and forth until our mom stops us and says "come here." and she brings out her ID from when she was a teenager and... its the same haircut.

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Here, a cheater course on caring for natural fibers!

1. Wool. Treat it like it has the delicate constitution of a Victorian lady and the conviction that baths are evil of a 17th century noble. (If I get in WATER my PORES will OPEN and I will CATCH ILL AND DIE.)

2. Cotton; easygoing. Will shrink a bit if washed and dried hot.

3. Silk; people think it’s like wool and has the constitution of a fashionably dying of consumption Victorian lady, but actually it’s quite tough. Can be washed in an ordinary washer, and either tumbled dry without heat or hung to dry.

4. Linen; it doesn’t give a shit. Beat the hell out of it. Historically was laundered by dousing it in lye and beating the shit out of it with wooden paddles, which only makes it look better. The masochist of the natural fiber world. Beat the fuck out of it linen doesn’t care. Considerably stronger than cotton. Linen sheet sets can last literal decades in more or less pristine shape because of that strength.The most likely natural fiber to own a ball gag.

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"how did you forget XYZ?!" I didn't, I didn't include it because it would wreck the curve. If you think one was left off in error, pick one of the provided choices and then leave your suggestion in the tags

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It's really important when you're at work to go out there and really give it your 60%. Maybe 35%.

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I’m going to save up for a new motorcycle by running a scam where I bet straight dudes at bars twenty bucks that I can get a girl’s number in under five minutes and then politely walk up her and say, “I just bet that asshole twenty bucks that I could get your number. I’ll split it with you if you pretend to laugh like I just said a good pick up line and then write a fake number on my hand.”

Like, I never understood those kind of bets in those shitty teen movies. Everybody loves being part of a scheme, man. Use your head.

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