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emptybloggy · 5 years ago

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Blue

It’s been so hard dealing with all this. So I temporarily moved into gracies room. Also because missy was leaving Friday, yesterday, to watch the dogs and usually we all go, but I needed to take care of blue. But then I’d be alone. So I wanted the comfort of my sister and be closer to my mom. So Gracie and I and blue are on her bed and we’re playing roblox together. When blue starts choking. I shove my laptop to the side like, screw this game, blue needs me. I’m so glad I did. If I just ignored her and kept playing, I’d hate myself even more.

She starts gagging and gasping for breath. I freaked out. She hops off the bed, which is low to the ground since Gracie got a new bed and it’s only a mattress on the ground, also why I moved in with her, since that’s easier for blue, she wobbled and fell to the ground on her side. I picked her up and cried so loudly. I didn’t even care about my dad hearing me. Angel comes in and she’s like what’s wrong. And she starts crying. Gracie is crying. But it’s all background noise. All I can focus on is blue, feeling so lifeless in my arms as she’s choking and gasping for air. Angel gets our mom and she calls the vet. I hear my mom asking me if she wants to take blue to the vet so she can be put down painlessly. Nothing feels real to me. I nod, thinking that when we take her to the vet, they’ll be able to fix her, that she’ll be okay.

That dream I had earlier, it gave me peace, I thought god was telling me that blue was going to be okay, and I should stop constantly panicking and worrying. In the dream, she got better, she was okay again.

Everybody keeps telling me to put her on the ground. I refuse to let her go. She bites my arm but I don’t even care. I keep kissing her head and whispering her name, over and over. Praying over and over. Praying god please help her.

They keep telling me to put her down. I promised her I’d never let her go. I promised her I’d be there until the end.

I read a post online, about people who get their pet put down, don’t even stay in the room. And their pet dies looking for them. I didn’t want that.

We go to the vet and I’m still holding her. I sit down and in the passenger seat and keep saying her name, keep praying, smelling the familiar scent of her head, rubbing my face in the fur on her next, which feels like a blanket. She’s like my blanket. My safe place. My home. My other half. Every time she sits next to me, she sits up against me, the empty space, meant for her, completing me.

She still has her mouth open and she’s breathing so heavy. She keeps choking and fighting it, kicking her legs, she fought for so long. And then she went completely still. Her body lifeless in my arms. I don’t want to believe she’s gone. She’s staring at me with her eyes open and her tongue out.

We walk in the vet and I lay her down on the mental table. He checks her heartbeat and tells me she died in my arms.

He leaves the room to give us a minute. My mom is there, Gracie is there, angel and her boyfriend are there. Angel is cuddled into her boyfriend crying. Gracie is crying. My mom is hugging me and whispering in my ear over and over “I’m so sorry”

I just stare. I stare for a long time. This isn’t real. I say it in a whisper “this isn’t real”

My first words when I got her: is it real?

My first words after she’s gone: this isn’t real

I take a step back in shock. I stare. Tears flowing down my cheeks. I wish I could cry. I wish I could just endlessly cry and shatter. But I’m in shock. I’m shaking. My best friend can’t be gone. I keeps at her staring like she’s going to come back to life. I take a step forward and touch her. I gentle shake her body and whisper her name over and over. I hear angel let out a cry and then she says “Rachel she’s gone”

But I don’t believe it. It can’t be real.

Angels boyfriend wraps her up in a blanket and puts her on my lap when I’m sitting back down in the car. It took both angel and my mom to hold me up and walk me out of there.

I stare at blue in my lap. I keep whispering her name. I burry my face in her fur.

She can’t be gone. I’ve lived the majority of my life with blue in it. She can’t be gone.

We get home and I sit on the floor of gracies room with blue. Her body has gone stiff. I hold one of her paws, she’s usually playfully swat me when I’d do that, now she does nothing. Because she’s gone.

I sit on the ground with my back pressed against the wall. I can’t stop staring. She can’t be gone. I hold on to the memories of her. Everything is background noise. My mom freaking out and telling me to snap out of it. My sisters crying. I’m not there. I’m with blue. She’s jumping up on my bed. Sleeping next to me. I’m lightly laying my bed on her like a fluffy pillow. And now the next time I go to my room, that won’t happen. My life is empty without her.

The night before, I laid on my bed for a minute. Trying to picture my life without her. I pat the bed and say “come here kitty” and she’s usually jump up on the bed. And I start crying. Because I know my life will be empty without her.

I can’t stop staring. I can’t get out of my head. I don’t want to accept reality. My mom is still freaking out and wanting to take me to a hospital. But then decides to take me to missy to see the dogs. She says that might help. I grab my iPod and shove it in my pocket, I also grab blues fluffy ball. It still smells like her.

My mom and someone else walk me out the door. My dad is acting like we’re all overreacting. I want to lash out but he’s already left the room and I can’t even open my mouth. I’m shaking violently.

They put me in the car and we all go. My mom sitting in the middle of the back seat and Gracie and I on either side. Angel and her bf in the front. My mom keeps trying to comfort me and leans me into her and my head rests on her shoulder. Every now and then, she sticks a finger under my nose to check if I’m breathing. I’m still holding onto blues ball. She holds my hand and the ball falls out, she puts it back into my hand and closes my hand around it.

We get there and the dogs are happy to see us and being friendly. Somehow I end up sitting on the couch and missy puts on a movie. We’re all in the living room. Missy gives me a box of tissues. I look at her with wide eyes filled with tears and whisper “she died in my arms”

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I held her close to me as she fought. Praying over and over. Praying for god to take her to heaven. She fought for awhile and then she went completely still. There was a couple jolts afterward, but then nothing.

I asked missy for a change of clothes, since blue peed all over me. In the bathroom, I was trying so hard to get connection to wifi, so I could get on here and text you.

And then I just stare at the tv throughout the whole movie. Drowning in pain. Missy and my mom are talking in the kitchen, I get up and go in. Missy is asking me if I want to turn blue into a ring or something. And I’m just freaked out by that. But after thinking about it, maybe it would be better to keep a piece of her forever, rather than putting her in the ground to rot and worms and possibly the dogs trying to dig her up. I was thinking of her ashes being a necklace the colour of her eyes. So I can keep her with me forever.

I hug my mom and thank her for everything. She starts crying again and saying she’s sorry this happened.

I get asked a bunch of times, if I want to get a new cat or dog. I don’t. Blue was everything to me. There is no other cat like her. There never will be.

Everybody cried while hugging me and telling me how much she loved me. I know she did. She always wanted to be with me.

She will always be with me

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