emsdiaryarchive

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

Something strange has happened between myself and Luke. You know Luke, we went to secondary school together but hardly spoke two words to each other in the entirety of our 6 years together. We of course ended up by chance in the same college course together, which was awkward because IADT is a small place, not like those big colleges like UCD and Trinity where you hardly see your classmates. There's only about 20 boys in my college course, including Luke, so it felt just like school again with us kind of awkwardly avoiding each other since the first semester of first year..you know how it is. The difference between school and college however, is the fact that we now run in the same circles, and I see him out at sessions all the time. But for the most part, we'd pretty much ignore each other. It was as if those same social rules that existed in school were somehow still tied to us in a weird way. I can only imagine he probably thought it a little weird too when the lads he was good friends with started seeing something in me - the awkward 'weird' girl he grew up with. And I guess it took a good three years or so before it created some sort of a halo effect.

See, I was at a session at Dane's house as usual, we're all sitting around having beers when I decide it's time for me to call it a night (I know what you're thinking, very sensible of me altogether!). He offers to walk me home. I'm not too taken aback, as we had got chatting properly for the first time that night, after he'd necked a couple of cans of Budweiser. So I take him up on his offer. It's not far to my house, but it is dark out and I'm forever being given out to by the girls for risking it walking home alone in the early hours of the morning. I'm the worst for Irish goodbyes, just slipping out the door when everyone's back is turned.

So he walks me home, and I can't remember a single thing we talked about. But I do remember his reaction when we parted ways. We had reached my front gate, and he stood there, as if waiting for me to invite him in. He then pouted, refusing to leave until I at least kissed him. He insinuated that he would not have walked all this way if he wasn't going to get something out of it, and soon we're having what's close to an altercation in the middle of the street in the early hours of the morning. Eventually, I hear the front door open and my sister steps out, tells me to get inside and for him to go home. Finally, he gives up and stumbles back to Dane's. Now, there is nothing physically wrong with Luke. If anything, he is a good looking guy, and has quite a loud and outlandish 'class clown' energy, which makes him charming, for the most part. A lot of the girls in college find him humorous, and obviously he has his ways about him, since he has slept with a few of them. But I can't say I was too enamoured by his entitlement. I passed it off as drunken behaviour, however, and figured all would be forgotten by the next day. I was wrong. He starts texting me, saying we should really meet up for a drink together outside college some time. I start to wonder, hmm..maybe? I mean, what's the harm. We've known each other close to ten years but still don't properly know each other.. This was stupid, really, because the minute I semi-agreed to it, he changed his tune. I think he was hoping to secure me in some way since I had essentially rejected him outside my house and he had to do the long walk of shame back to Dane's. So I'm seeing him in college most days, and we're kind of back to not really talking much, bar small talk. You know, him telling me "I really liked your presentation today", kind of deal. Which is fine. I learn there's some messy stuff going on between him and Emily, so I figure it's best to stay out of it all.

Then everything goes from 0 to 100. I'm out at Baker's Corner and it's the night of the course pub quiz and talent show. I hear through the grapevine that he had hooked up with Ciara the week prior, and myself and the girls felt it apparent to inform Rhona of this, as she was currently his new target of affections as we caught him drunkenly chatting her up in the smoking area. We all ended up back at Dane's house again, and that's when he sees me and pats the spot on the sofa beside him, a glint in his eye. I eye him suspiciously, and tell him sorry, I need to go to the toilet. I pop upstairs to the bathroom, with no intention other than reapplying my lipstick. The mistake I made? Leaving the door open behind me. It isn't long until I hear footsteps.

"I need a piss". I recognise his voice.

"No problem," I say. "I'll be out of your way in just a second."

As I turn around and move towards the door, I notice he's already locked it. He comes up behind me and puts his hand around my waist, and the next minute I can feel his stubble scratching my neck. "I thought you said you need a piss?"

Honestly, I blame the drink as I don't know why these words even came out of my mouth. I'd hate to think I'm that naive, truly..

He ignores me, his lips on my neck now, hands all up and down my body. It feels good, but also bad, because whilst my body is betraying me, my mind is somewhere else. In that moment, my logical brain is in the driver's seat and is screaming at me. "No, Luke, I can't," I say. He ignores me.

I continue to stand there, frozen, knowing any minute now he will either turn me around to face him or I will have to myself. Why can't I just unlock the door? Is his hand on the handle? I don't even know at this point. Anyway, eventually he gets fed up and lets go of me and unlocks the door. I kind of fly out of there, falling through into the hallway where Peter is waiting for the toilet. He looks Luke dead in the eye, having heard everything. "That's not on," he says. I make my way downstairs feeling slightly rattled by the whole thing. There I meet some of the girls, most of which are good friends of Luke's. He comes downstairs, sees me clearly bothered by what just occurred and apologises to me with an undertone of irritation. I decide by this point, it's probably best to just leave. Bizarrely, he offers to walk me home, but after what has just transpired and what happened the last time he did, I politely decline. However, he doesn't let me leave until I had taken his hoodie with me, and I wasn't sure whether it was because he actually felt bad for me. I did feel like a bit of a sad charity case though, what with all the girls hovering around me concerned and him giving me his garments. I thought of Ciara, and Emily and all the other girls he'd slept with and I thought 'why can't I just be like everyone else?'. So Ciaran walked me home, bless him, and when I talked to him about it, I felt like he really understood. He actually gets me, and doesn't make me feel weird about it. I think we're very similar in a lot of ways.

So days pass and Luke continues to try and hit me up on social media, says he will come by the house to pick up his hoodie. Never does. Eventually, I get it back to him in college, which is awkward as fuck as he can barely look me in the eye. However, the next time we're out at a session, he approaches me on the stairwell. He's wearing a white t-shirt and seems much more put together than the last time we'd met this way. He apologises profusely for what had occurred, and we hugged. He then invited me to the beach the next day with the rest of the gang, as they were planning on going swimming, but I already had plans.

[emsdiaryarchive]

I've had nothing but exam stress and two lousy nights out which both resulted in me bawling my eyes out. I really need to stop drinking. The first night was the IADT formal ball, where I necked enough rum to have me rearing for a fight, Fionn was, of course, in the firing line.

I pulled him aside and confronted him, brought up all he had said and done, to which he replied with "I know" to some and "I won't admit that" to others. He then said to me "Don't beat yourself about it. Some things don't work out. We can be civil." I felt so humiliated that I left, drink in hand, to go to the bathroom. But I held back on the drunken tears until me and the girls reached McDonald's and I stuffed my face with greasy deep fried mozzarella sticks. Fionn did say that he thought I wasn't into him so he had stopped pursuing me, but denied ignoring me. Anyway, that was the end of that. Then we had another horrific night out at Tengu, though I was the only one who felt that way, and I beat myself up about it. I should have waited till the next day to go to Telephones with Ola and the girls. But no. I went to Tengu instead. The night started off bad with predrinks at Dane's, as I sat in a corner having ran out of alcohol. I had been trying to pace myself, so as not to have another disaster of a night, and had used the money I would spend on drink to buy some chips instead. It wasn't that I wasn't drinking, I was just drinking less..and I figured I could wait till I got into town to get more drink. I was wrong. Someone had suggested why don't we just stay in the house tonight, screw ton. My anxiety kicks into overdrive, realising I need alcohol just to be around people. I'm squished in between John and Ryan in the sitting room - John, who has fallen asleep and Ryan who has said nothing to me all night, putting his arms around Rhona and desperately clinging to Jasmine like a limpet. So my anxiety is at its its peak, and I asked David could he call a taxi so we can go into town and he snapped at me, not seeing my anxiety. Dane did though, and his solution was to offer me a valium. We eventually do end up in town, and I have my first and last drink since my stomach is in absolute knots. In the smoking area, I felt like a complete outsider, chainsmoking and wandering from group to group, unable to even crack a smile. I knew in my heart, if I disappeared, nobody would notice. I couldn't keep up my act of composure by the time Fionn arrived to mass applause. Orla M spotted me and asked me, "Are you alright?" and I just shook my head no. Immediately, she took me to the toilets, where I explained my anxiety and she gave me a pep talk and wiped the tears from my cheeks with her fingers.

I held on for a while anyway, back in the smoking area again. I end up talking to Arianna whilst Peter chats to Fionn, but when Ari starts talking to Peter, I was put in an awkward situation with Fionn. Neither of us looked each other in the eye and we didn't speak all night. So I made my way to the toilets again, bumping into Ryan on the stairwell, who says nothing to me but elbows me into the wall and laughs at me. Later, Peter makes things worse, by saying "Y'know I just realised I'm the only one who makes sure you get home ok. Unless Ryan's horny, of course." I left before closing. Orla brought me to an ATM and flagged down a taxi for me. She also invited me on a mindfulness hill walk from Bray to Greystones the next week and suggested next time I try MDMA instead.

In other news, we now have a rat infestation and the pest control man has been super innappropriate. I was home alone when he came around to remove some dead rats and he kept flirting with me, and then at the end of his job he sat on my stairs and saked "so when ae we going for coffee?" and I just laughed nervously. But then he asked "should I stay or should I go?" . He also emphasised that rats have 'no morals' (no shit) and jokingly told me not to stare at his ass when he walked up the stairs. He also keeps trying to flirt with me over text. His name is Damien, he's in his 20s, from North Dublin, super cocky and covered in tattoos. He's coming again tomorrow, but my sister has insisted on being in the house. For the best I think.

[emsdiaryarchive]

[emsdiaryarchive]

I stepped outside my lecture today and spoke to Sadhbh and Katie for a bit, but they had to go to their next class so I turned around and chatted to Ciaran, who was talking to Fionn, and Fionn turns to me, smiles and asks "Did you hand in your essay for Kelly?". Small talk. Rendering my 'you've been ignoring me' argument powerless. And though I was glad he spoke to me, I couldn't help but feel a pang in my heart as he asked if I wanted to come to the canteen with him and Ciaran, because here was I just coming to terms with the fact he had chosen to ignore my existence entirely and today, for a moment, he treats me like everyone else. I feel like every day I do battle with myself when I see him. He has no idea I cried outside Doyle's, or that I had to unfollow him on Instagram. I need to say something, but I don't know what to say. I don't want another day of going to the pub, drinking cider through a straw and going home to stuff my face with donuts. Fuck this shit.

[emsdiaryarchive]

Things have taken a turn for the worse. Fionn has, once again, ceased talking to me. I can't say I blame him. This occurred after a feigned attempt to walk me home. As he walked with me through the atrium courtyard as I made my way home, asking me whereabouts I lived, instead of going left and straight to the bus stop home, he came with me through the atrium. I asked him "Where are you heading? He library?" to which he replied, awkwardly stammering, "Oh no, I'm just going to the toilet...I'll see you." Since then, we have only exchanged a few words, limited to

"Have you done the reading?"

"Ugh, that class!"

"You haven't been on holiday in three years?" - this was in response to a conversation I was having with someone else, and he seemed to have forgotten I had already told him this information.

He has also taken to flirting brazenly with Juliette in front of my face, talking of dating other girls in front of my face...and on a night out a few weeks back I find out he's now dating Sinead, Peter's mate. Sinead, who Ryan fancied, and who he and Peter say is 'exactly like me', and I've met her once and she seems pretty hostile so... maybe they're right.

When I heard the news, I don't know why I was upset. Maybe cos I did like him after all..I got pretty emotional outside Doyle's pub, and maybe it's because I had too much to drink, but Dane consoled me and somehow I mistook his consolation for flirting and ended up rejected by him, which stung even more. So embarrassing.

[emsdiaryarchive]

Today is January 21st, which I feel I should mention to give some sort of context as I never include dates in my diary for some unknown reason, which makes it difficult to trace anything back to a certain time or place. A few weeks ago was Christmas, which was a lot less eventful than the time off itself as I met up with Fionn for a date. It was my first time on a date since Adrian (though he will argue about that) and it felt strange and alien to me. We met in town after I discouraged him from coming to meet me in Dun Laoghaire, since it seemed too intimate and gentlemanly and all the things that scare me the most. In town, he took me to a tiny café on South William Street where we drank coffee and watched passersby from the window. He bought me a cappucino, before we ventured on to St. Stephen's Green and chatted about menial things such as college, family, pets, drugs. Then he took me to Boojum on Wexford Street, and after a time spent awkwardly trying to order a vegetarian wrap off a board I could not see as I had forgotten my glasses, I end up squished in beside him, trying not to let my anxiety get the better of me. I'm dying to pee - maybe it's the nerves - and once in the bathroom I'm met by The La's 'There She Goes', which I later catch him quietly singing to himself as he walks me back to the train station. I'm there beside him, nervously chomping down on chewing gum and inhaling my cigarette every five seconds. Once at the train station, he stands before me, leans in slowly and I have to say "No" in that quiet little voice. I know I don't kiss on first dates but Jesus Emma..what are you doing to the poor man? The hug he gave me seemed to make things worse, as it was limp and sad. I text him on the train home to thank him for the day, propose that maybe we should hang out more, since I am wrapped in confusion and have no idea what I'm doing. The mixed messages I am giving are unfair and only getting worse but the truth is my heart closed up a long time ago and I've trained myself to be selfish and unreasonable.

He had also told me on the way into Boojum that Adrian had "kissed Ciara back in September", not knowing anything about what had happened between us. Whilst the effect of him telling me this wasn't overly strong, it was enough for him to question "Are you jealous?" as he must have caught the colour in my face change. But it's okay, and I applaud Adrian for carrying on as usual and making his way through his 'conquests' list.

[emsdiaryarchive]

Thursday night was suit night and we all went out to the Mercantile where a Bowie tribute band were playing and we all got drunk and had a dance and it was all fine and dandy. I met Aoife, Aaron's girlfriend for the first time, and immediately felt bad. She was so lovely and kind and sweet and seemed to really care for him. Ryan tried to tell me I was a great dancer, but when he put his arms around me, it stung. But I still wanted to make sure he was ok on the way back to Dane's and to drink plenty of water because he was on a lot of MDMA but he just chugged from a bottle of white wine. So we're back in the house and I sit in my chair, watching all the happy passing faces, dancing sweaty bodies, moving from room to room in my 6 inch heels. First Alex's room where him and Conor played some mixes on their DJ decks. Then to Charlie's room, where a girl who was definitely on coke gave a speech about the joys of knee high socks. Then everyone moved out of Charlie's room, except for me and Fionn, who grabbed me by the waist and tried to shut the door. I also spent a considerable amount of time with my legs up on his lap. If he wants to send me mixed messages, so will I. Having said that, I don't actually know how I feel. Though lately, I think I do. See I only know drunk him. The flirty him, who winks at me incessantly, who tries grab my waist or simply hold my hand and stroke it with his thumb. All this on Thursday night, along with some casual conversation. And before we had both gotten hammered, it had been an awkward encounter in the queue for the toilet, him and me spending a few seconds just awkwardly smiling at each other. That's all it ever is, awkward smiling, a casual exchange. Ever since Thursday though I've clearly been on his mind since he messaged me suggesting we meet up after Christmas....

[emsdiaryarchive]

On my midterm, thank god. The past few days have been so hectic. As soon as the first day of midterm rolled around, I resigned myself to sleeping the days away and half-heartedly attempting the mountain of assignments I would have so enthusiastically taken on last year. Last year when I was a little bit happier. It seems since losing Ryan to Jas, I have lost the rest of the lads, who knew the whole time that Ryan just wanted to fuck me and were rooting for him, cheering him on from the sidelines. But since that didn't happen, now they're cheering for another team, and I don't go round to Dane's anymore. I also avoid the smoking area like the plague, for fear of being shut out. Even when I'm with the girls, I keep to myself Ola has noticed the change in me as I skip classes as I stay home in bed. Occasionally ignoring the dull ache of needing a piss, just because I know I'll be judged by my sister for going back to bed again afterwards. Haven't eaten a proper meal in a week, feel completely detached from everything. Except that feeling of wanting real love. Wanting to someone to care, to like me for me. Not for the short skirts I wear.

Dad's visit home triggered me so badly. Reoccuring feelings of anxiety and panic, breaking down crying when it was all over. I hadn't seen him in two years and he treated me like a stranger, a ghost. Didn't bother to ask me anything about my life. Tell me anything close to how he missed me, or cared about me. Only bossed me around, or got mad at me if I 'got in the way'. Did nothing but dig at me and try to get under my skin. Needless to say, I am very glad he is gone but wish so desperately for him to change. But I know he never will.

[emsdiaryarchive]