emveeee

[emveeee]

2022 vs 2025

[emveeee]

👀

[emveeee]

my heart can't take it, somebody go get that man, i swear to god

[emveeee]

running a little late (imagine that) but happy pride from my bi-drangea

[emveeee]

it's just a little thing but man, what a rush this was 😆

do fic readers know that their comments actually influence the course of the story sometimes? i don't mean in a "you need to write it this way because i say so 😡" type of comment, i mean when people are asking questions or really engaging with the plot and the themes in the comments they sometimes bring up things that i didn't even think of, or dig into parts of the story that i've overlooked, or get really interested/fixated on something i was going to just kind of glance over--and it has me going 'oh wait that's actually really interesting, that's a good point' and fully adding or tweaking or changing things about the story going forward. i'm literally adding an entire additional chapter to something right now because someone's comment had me like "oh i didn't dig into that as much as i could have." you have impact!

[emveeee]

I am Old and screen-recorded this from instagram because i don't know how to save shit. For @peter-pantomime

[emveeee]

GQ interview clip for @peter-pantomime

[emveeee]

i’m gonna freak the fuck out.

[emveeee]

djo dc from above, 7 pm/10:30 pm. lemme know if you can spot yourself

[emveeee]

i read a post that got me thinking about steddie again and why the ship hit me so hard and has stuck so long; i'm gonna just send this out into the void; i haven't unpacked it all but i've rummaged through the boxes enough that i think i have a general idea of what's in there.

this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness, so apologies for the lack of cohesion.

i'm gonna start way back: in 1997, i was 12, and my new favorite band was hanson. that fall, i started seventh grade, and after school i would go on my family's computer on our dial-up internet and google them in order to find fansites that had photos (google images didn't exist til 2001) which i'd then save onto a floppy disk. anyway, along the way i found two things: the first fanfic i ever read, called tulsa 74132 (named of course after beverly hills 90210, and hanson being from tulsa, oklahoma), and a chat room.

i don't remember anything about the fansite where the chat room was hosted, but it doesn't matter. to join the chat itself you just had to enter what your displayed username would be– no login, just completely on the honor system that, for example, yes i am the same emveeee who was here yesterday. the thing was, being for hanson fans meant users were primarily girls (this was in the time of a/s/l, age/sex/location, being the standard intro) and the regulars would talk with each other but not necessarily with new folks.

so one day i decided to see if changing my username and pretending to be a boy would get any attention. it did. i named him aaron after a boy at school that i had a crush on. i made myself his twin sister. i gave us a family and a whole backstory. i catfished myself some chat room friends.

i told my irl friend R what i was doing, and she started joining me, as aaron's girlfriend. R moved away and another irl friend, T, joined me. T and i stopped using the chat room but kept up the story for *years* across multiple platforms. she would periodically change character–usually a new girlfriend–but i was always aaron. i outgrew my middle school hanson obsession and got into rock music, then punk and emo; i got angsty and the stories got darker. aaron had a blog on xanga in 1999, then blurty, then livejournal. his livejournal is still up. the last entry was in 2004, when i was in college.

[that was the same year T and i had a falling-out. she had been my closest friend for all my teen years. we never spoke again. when i told my mom about our fight, she looked at me funny and said, "that sounds like you're talking about a breakup." i threw my hands in the air and said "well kind of!! we were best friends for a really long time!" i didn't have ✨️the realization✨️ until a decade and a half later.

anyway i've gone off on a tangent but realizing i was tommy fucking hagan was rough.]

even after i didn't have a place to actually write it down anymore, i kept writing aaron's story. i'd work through scenes in my head while waiting to fall asleep at night, in long lines, if i was bored at a party. i put him through the wringer. i filtered half of my self-destruction through him instead. i made him get into fights and self-medicate and self-harm. i gave him a best friend. i made them fall in love.

and then, many many years later, these two dudes on a tv show looked at each other a certain kinda way, and a bunch of folks said What If. and look. i had previously read another fandom's fics on ao3 as a guest, but steddie made me make an account. and i worried, i'm coming up on (and now am) 40, am i being weird and gross about teenagers? i'm afab, am i being weird and gross about m/m?

i kept trying to figure out what it was that drew me to them so strongly, and then it hit me. they're aaron and jay, remixed. it's just my boys. it's teenage me working through shit without being consciously aware that's what i was doing. it's me, but safely, because it's so firmly Not Me. it's the me i never got to be because i ended up this instead.

[and god, i cackle every time somebody writes oblivious steve, because teenage me did in fact platonically kiss five! different! female friends! and still not figure it out!!!]

i grew up and married a man and had a kid and i love them dearly, but aaron will always hover in those years between 15 and 19, because that's where i need him to be, that's when i needed him the most.

i love steve and eddie as characters, both the canon and (ahem, most of the) fanon versions. i also love them through a series of filters, an au of an au of an au of what could have been, if only everything had been different.

[emveeee]

well fuck it i guess i'm here now