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PCOS and why I cant get pregnant :’(

After years of unsuccessfully trying to have a baby and refusing to believe doctors when they say that i’m fine; I finally have somewhat of an answer. I’ve always felt something was off, but time after time the doctors just kept telling me everything was fine and resorted to contraceptives to induce a period as a solution. Finally a doctor listened and understood! The weight gain, non existing periods, fatigue, and inability to get pregnant  was because I had PCOS... Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. 

PCOS is where your body creates too much or too little of the appropriate hormones needed to balance things in your body such as diet/metabolism, and menstrual cycles. Some woman with PCOS also develop cysts around their ovaries making it difficult to for eggs to be released or in other words get pregnant. In my situation, my body was creating too much testosterone and because it took so long to get a diagnosis I am now at risk of type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and even some form of cancer down the road.  

Though it is said to be a common disorder with many treatment options, my hopes of having a big family has now slowly diminished. I’ll be lucky if I even have one more baby. I started the new year off at my all time high and feeling grateful for everything I had... I was working two jobs, I got my social work license, had temporarily adopted three of my little brother in laws and got them situated back with mom.. everything was going well.  For a moment there I forgot about wanting a baby thinking it’ll happen when I stop thinking so much about it. I knew one thing I wanted to do was take better care of my health so a routine physical now leads me to where I am today with the news I now know. I have a followup visit in two days where I’ll be faced with the treatment options available. I feel myself slowly isolating not knowing who or where to turn to but I’m using my husband as my support to keep me afloat. I cant deny that I feel down, a little depressed, and less than BUT in light and humor of all this... I hope I come out with TWINS! :p

Pray for me.

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Patiently waiting for my rainbow baby. Two years ago (around this time) I experienced the loss of a child in a way that no one should ever have to. I was about 8-9 weeks along, had just given birth 6 months ago, and my mom had already told everyone we were expecting again. I first experienced light spotting for a few days which I thought was normal in early pregnancy. Then it was on a Saturday, we had gone over to one of my aunt’s house for a party and as I was washing the dishes by the sink I just felt something similar to what you would feel on a heavy period flow. I could feel a big flow continuing slowly one after another. I went to use the bathroom maybe 6-7 times with 5 minutes and each time tossing out a completely soaked pad. I started to panic as the blood began to come out heavier and faster. I told my mom, my aunt, and my husband I needed to go home immediately. My aunt gave me a towel to sit on for the ride home and I remember vividly feeling the life being drawn out of me, I started cramping really bad and if I’d sit up blood would just flow out of me like a stream. I got home and went straight to bed. I was in so much pain but I was also exhausted because I had already lost so much blood. I slept for 2 hours and woke up completely soaked in blood in that area (dont ask me why I didnt go to the hospital, in my head I felt I was ok). I got up a few times to use the bathroom and the last time I did I felt a lot of blood and a half fist size blood clot release, I felt almost immediate relief after that and the bleeding slowed down to light period. That was the moment my baby left my body and I’ll never forget how empty I felt afterwards.   

I still get very dissapointed at myself for not being more aware of all the signs leading to a miscarriage.... I was so determined to have another baby my world fell apart when I had to let my unborn baby go. No matter how many times I tell myself that it wasn’t meant to be and maybe my body was not ready to have another baby... I couldn’t help but feel as though there was something I could have done to prevent this. 

Its been two long years and my daughter, six months then, will be turning three in a few months. My heart breaks everytime that pregnancy test comes back negative, it breaks when my daughter wants to keep her baby cousins...or when she places her head on my belly to listen for a baby. I pray to God all the time that when the time is right, if im meant to be a mom again it’ll happen. 

My sweet sweet rainbow baby, 

Mommy, Daddy, and your big sister is ready and waiting for you whenever you are. We already love you so much and cant wait so someday meet you. <3

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Dont push someone beyond return, hold on to them while you can and show them you care every with every single opportunity. 

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Life is too short to be unhappy :p

WEDDING BELLS ringing all the way from VEGAS! All these bitches trying to get married while I’m here like...WELCOME TO THE CLUB! (it aint all that haha). Nothing is more nerve wrecking than having two (technically 3) brides on your hand. Mentally preparing myself for BRIDEZILLA to make an abrupt entrance LBVS. Congrats my thotty G4orce! hurry up and make me babies! 

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Don’t hate me because you think my life is perfect...

When a person can’t control you, they'll try and control what others think of you. It’s hard to find it in my heart to forgive you, when I know the only person you'll ever selfishly care about is yourself. It angers me, it disappoints me, and it saddens me to have to be affiliated with a person like you. To even call you family and do all the things I have for you. To be completely used by you in your time of need but because I can’t solve all your problems and make things happen for you…I’m useless and I’m nobody to you.

It angers me that you would pretend to care about my daughter, my hard work and accomplishments…only to try and measure yourself up to them and secretly wishing I was as down and miserable as you. I hope you know that you can NEVER be like me and I will NEVER be like you. I will never allow my heart to be as shallow and treat others the way you’ve treated me. I will not get close to someone because they can offer me what I need. I will continue to live genuinely, continue to be kind to others, and continue to work harder today than I did yesterday and I won’t apologize for it.

Growing up I’ve always been a protective person towards the people I care about. I’ll fight with you, for you, and even sometimes against you; because that’s what we do when we are so passionate about someone. I will fight but I will also own up to my mistakes and try to make things right. What you have said and done and I’ll never do is make you feel low no matter what I’m going through or how bad I’m feeling. I don’t expect you to know how many times I’ve been hurt, felt unsupported, been abused, or have failed. I also don’t expect you to acknowledge any of my accomplishments either but you can’t hate me because you think I expect you to live life the way I do. Don’t hate me because you think my life is perfect because it is far from that.

At the end of the day I will filter you out and shut the door because I am human too and I’m allowed to feel. As much as I care about you, you’ve shown me that nothing that I have done for you even matters. I put you before a lot of people and you’ve done nothing but try to replace me with other people who don’t know you and will tell you what you want to hear. Because that’s clearly the path in life you want to walk, I can accept it and move on. The only thing I ask from you is to not look back. Don’t throw everything in my face then pretend you still have an obligation to be an Aunt to my child. She’s innocent and has plenty of Aunts who genuinely care about her without expecting anything in return. As your sister, I truly hope you can accomplish something in life that will make you happy.

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You hear it time and time again that “life is too short” but nothing compares to facing a life potentially and unfairly cut short. When there is still so much out there in the world to see and do but you’ll never get the chance to. When you want answers but grieve in silence. When there is so much you want to share, but couldn't or wasn't given the chance to do so. 

Even though you’ve decided to put our book down and open up another, I’ll continue to write my story. It was great and I was happiest with you in it, but I cant force you to stay. I’ll someday learn to accept that not everyone finishes a book from beginning to end. I’m just sad. What if one day I have to put my own book down when the story isn’t finished? What will I do then? :(

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Dreams

For the past week I’ve been dreaming about this person all the time. Every dream that I vividly remember I would wake up questioning why they keep coming in my dreams. Psychologist Carl Jung believes that dreams act as a window into the unconscious mind, so do I dream of you because I’m always subconsciously thinking of you? Every dream I have seems so real and portrays so much of our relationship... its so sad that even in my dreams I’m always reaching for you only to be turned away. 

I’d be lying if I said don’t think about you and miss lots of things about you...but I’ve learned to let you go a long time so why do you keep coming into my dreams? Ever time I wake up and come to terms with reality I just feel so taunted and sad...I have a lot of love for you still and hope you’re really happy wherever you are...

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New Year, New Me bullshit

Why so vulgar ey? lol well its because I’m all all about that new years resolution bs even though I have never stuck to any of my new years resolution. I’m a glass half full optimist. SO what do I want to see myself accomplish in this new year? well..... the list could go on for a while so grab some popcorn haha. 

1. I want to continue learning and baking lots of CAKE to fatten up the village haha!

2. Speaking of FAT... I need to work on my health. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life and I can feel my body giving out on me. knee pain, foot pain, back pain, chest pain...you name it. You know you have a problem when you cant or don’t have the energy to do the things you use to enjoy doing. I haven't stepped foot in the gym for the past three months. What I need is to be committed to a lifestyle change... no more junk food, portioned meals, and less alcohol.

3. Drink less... Its really scary how much fun you can have after a few drinks as well as how many things you’ll end up regretting. Alcohol was always my drug of choice, at one point in my life I had a terrible drinking problem...I was away from home, working my way though graduate school, going through breakups...and didnt take very good care of myself.  I had so many good memories and made lots of really good friends who I still am friends with today...but behind closed doors I still had to deal with the empty shell of this broken girl that no one had a clue even existed. I didnt allowed myself to feel or cry and alcohol always induced it. I never told the people who were hurting me that they were hurting me unless I was shit faced drunk and blurting my emotions away. I started heavily drinking because only when I was drunk did I allow myself to hurt and to be vulnerable..it became an outlet for me to release and get relief from everything I was holding inside. Only when I was drunk did I find the courage to fight for what I wanted. What I didnt know or care about at the time was that many will try and take advantage of me in that state. Though I was lucky to be around those with my interest and safety in mind.... I’m so embarrassed how much of an ass I made out of myself. Today I know that if someone cares for you they wouldnt torment and continue to watch you fall apart over and over. They wouldnt give up on you and they would see how hard you were fighting to hold onto them. Part of me still hurts over this from time to time....but I’ve told myself its not my battle to fight anymore. I got pregnant and was sober for a long time after...but recently I feel the alcohol creeping up on me. Alcoholism runs in my family and I am scared for myself. I know this is a change I have to make because I’m just poisoning and killing myself slowly. I have a little one to care for and see grow up...I cant be selfish anymore. A drink here and there is fine but I need to work on not getting to carried away.

4. Be more kind... I know I have the right intentions but I just need to remember to pay it forward more often. I think this world needs more caring people and I want to be one of them.

5. Work on my relationships with people. I forget how much I learn from others...and how those in my life contribute change and influence on me. Even those I dont necessarily like... I need to work on hold I can remain neutral because its so easy to be bitter and consumed with hate.

enough said....if you read this far HAPPY NEW YEAR and hope you have a great one!

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Falling apart </3

I listen to others everyday, I help them solve their problems, teach them how to cope. And at the end of the day I sometimes forget to practice what I preach or that I can personally relate to these stories more than I even realize. I had a client come in today who is in the process of leaving her husband because after three years they’ve fallen out of love. She now realized from dating other men that her husband was not the one for her. There was no passion, excitement, fun, and enjoyment being around each other. She a hopeless romantic was married to a bland traditional homebody who was not about that lifestyle. She wanted her husband to date her and continue to date her but three years and a baby later they were getting a divorce.  

Its so easy to fall out of love many don’t realize how much work, time, and effort it really takes to stay in love. To continue to love someone through the good and bad.  Its so hard to forgive someone over and over but its harder to forget someone who has become apart of your life. Through it all I reminded her and I remind myself; never stop loving yourself. Love yourself enough to leave a toxic relationship, love yourself enough to speak your mind, love yourself enough to fight for a relationship, but also love yourself enough to let one go. 

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9/11.11/9.911?

If you or anyone you love has ever been discriminated against, raped, assaulted, bullied, or simply denied of human rights; you probably felt the sense of defeat that I and many Americans did this morning. I checked my phone at 4am and curled back into bed not wanting to come into work this morning, it felt like judgment day has approached my doorstep. I got my mother's house and she informed me I was wrong, that her vote did not matter and in a sense neither did she. My heart, my hopes, and my spirit is broken.

White supremacy is terrifying (especially in 2016) and will take us so far back in time. Is love and belief in humanity enough? or is another great depression among us all? Whatever happens I will stand tall with my immigrant parents, with our multiethnic communities, with our LGBTQ community, and with our human family for liberty and justice for all. I will fight and advocate for proper continued healthcare, for our children's education, and against all wrongs. Love will fuel our fire and hate can not drive us. We would only have lost when we no longer have each other.

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I voted!

I was born in a refugee camp somewhere in Thailand where a mister Chanthavong had signed and acknowledged my birth. Some months later I had boarded a plane and come to America with my two perfect parents. I was the only child and would be for the next seven years. Mother reminded me everyday to act like a lady, cross my legs, and stop playing in the dirt with the boys at the project homes. My father ingrained in my head that success was my only option and failure was not. And that education was my key to walk away from my childhood life of farming in the hot sun picking peppers and cucmbers. My father said to study hard so that no one will ever make fun of my accent or broken English like they did to him. My father said to work hard but stay humble and never forget where you came from. 

In 2014 I finally became a citizen and today I voted for the very first time in a presidential election! I’ve been waiting for this moment and that red “I voted” sticker for a really long time. I felt soo cool and proud wearing my sticker around today :p 

Today I inserted the extra effort to get my parents, grandparents, siblings, and family members to the poll. We as minorities have come such a long way, and we as children of immigrant parents have worked and studied too hard to not fight for a country we help build. To not stand up against a man who if does become our president could change our lives and our children’s lives for the worse scares me. There’s three crucial hours left to get to the polls, please go vote! Every vote counts! 

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Life After Death

I should be celebrating your big 80th birthday with you but instead I bring flowers to your grave and have conversations with myself. 5 years flew by and it still doesn’t get any easier. I stayed with you and took care of you when you were healthy and when you were sick, it was you and me through the good and the bad. I loved you when when no one else would. I’d stay up every night because I was afraid that if I went to sleep no one else would keep you company and you’d leave me. And that early morning when I did to go to bed, you died. I was so angry at you for not letting me be by your side til the very end. You secretly and quietly left when you knew I was not there. You changed my life when you left. Aside from the grief, pain, and emptiness I felt; I know you guided me through every accomplishment thereafter. I remember leaving to go back to school after your death, I remember visiting your grave every time I came back in town, I remember feeling so broken and unsure about life. I remember asking you, begging you, that if you can hear me... to just guide me to where I was suppose to be in life. I went on and traveled the world, finished school, got married....and on the morning of 3/11/15 exactly 4 years since you passed, I gave birth to my precious baby girl. I’d like to believe that it was pure coincidence, but my heart knows part of this was your doing. While coping with my feelings around your death, you remind me of the miracles of life by bringing my daughter to me on that day. Every year from here on out on March 11th I will forever be celebrating life, yours, mines, and my daughters. Happy Belated Birthday Grandpa! I love and miss you everyday! <3

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Closure

I recently made a decision to close a bittersweet chapter in my life. I finally felt strong enough to do so and my heart finally feels at peace. I didn’t want to ache, hurt, linger, or wonder any more. I didn’t want it for myself and I wouldn't have wanted it for my daughter either. If someone doesn’t want to be apart of your life, don’t let them. I say bittersweet because its allowed me to see and understand what love is, and also what love is not. I’m saying goodbye to this part of my life because it was holding me back from moving on with my life and fully loving myself for all that I am. I kept hoping for a sign, for something, anything; but there was nothing. I didn’t want to give up and let go because I didn’t want to regret not doing all that I could. I kept my hopes up thinking that if I felt this way and cared this much, there had to be something there. Its been a long time. I’ve held a lot of things in for a while now. Its time to move on. Though i’m okay, I am also hurting.  And although I am hurting, I am so thankful for the people and things that I do have in my life. I am so thankful for my little pride and joy nothing can ever change that. The End

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Understood.

Understand.

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a little self reflection...

This blog is really special to me, its like my own virtual journal that will never get loss unless I forget my password (reason I haven't updated for a year). Haha, the team at Tumbrl had said if I couldn't figure my password out or get access to my old email I would have to make a new account. I was soo sad! But thankful when I actually figured it out.

This blog has come such a long way with me and reading back to where I was when I posted my very first post. I see how much I've grown as a person and how many changes has happened in my life. Many post irrelevant, some personal, and some just from the heart; I've debated about deleting some posts as my blog has taken a different turn but then decided to keep everything so that I can always go back and reflect. Yes its pretty much an open book so if you're going to judge, judge me all you want.