enbyrecovery

[enbyrecovery]

On 2023 september the 25th, i wrote here :

so i have this habit to watch supersize vs superskinny while eating my meals.

and it’s kinda mindblowing that people on the skinny side can sometimes eat more than me or just like me and are all super thin and have even lost their periods, but when i eat the same as them i’m just still « curvy » 😐

i know this isn’t a fail in my self perception like others with ed can have. i know i’m 25kg heavier than the ones on that show, even if i eat the same lol

i know people look at me and call me curvy, round, thick, etc. when i say i have an ed without saying it’s anorexia, they think i have binge eating disorder, cause how can someone look like me while i eat like the skinnies on that show 💀

this is so unfair. why am i so broken ?

(i wish i had never taken that neuroleptics before cause i think they messed my body so bad.)

_______

2024 30 of july :

Oh boi, how things can change in just a few months. I would have never known it was possible. 😅

I decided to keep a few of my past posts on that tumblr, to show how fucked up in the brain i was with my ed, and how i changed my views/respond to it after. i removed the ed #s too.

Now that i’ve recovered, my youtube feed isn’t full of extreme mukbangs and diet shows anymore. I have meaningful content and nice songs to feed my soul. I tried several times to recover, and everytime i was relapsing, i could see it in my youtube suggested videos. That became my alert sign ⚠️ that something was wrong under the surface.

How do i feel now about those people who are skinny even by eating more than me ? idk, it doesn’t feel as unfair as it used to before. We all have different bodies, and mine got fucked up by restrictions and starvation for years.

So ofc i would gain even by eating less than these people. (it’s only temporary btw, your body will regulate after). I did that to myself tbh, i made it a stressful living hell for my body. Comparison is a pointless joy-killer now. The only way to freedom is to abandon this competition of who’s dying better and sooner. There was a life i was wasting over numbers and fear, and it's never too late to build it ❤️‍🩹

[enbyrecovery]

Two years apart between these pics, i tried recovery twice during this period of time, and failed. i couldn’t see that both of these sizes had the same moral value, that this value was about who i was as a person, not about that meat suit i was carrying around.

The Bmi is not a relevant tool, yet it still says i was overweight on the second pics. My skin was shitty because of the weight loss and stress. « At least my knees don’t hurt anymore like when my bmi said i was moderately obese before » i thought to reassure myself all of this journey was still better than being fat.

It's still strange to watch pictures of my past selves. I found the real me out of recovery ; and if im still struggling on a few bad body image days here and then, i know it won't impact my lifestyle or even require to be fixed.

i wrote this at that time where the second pics were taken :

"sometimes i wonder why it’s worth for. it takes so much time and energy to see so little progress. and im still not satisfied. but will i probably ever be ? probably not. EDs feast on insatisfaction and control because we’re too traumatised to be in charge of anything else in our lives."

EDs are mental disorders, so I realised I needed to change my mindset first, before even changing my diet or body. This paragraph shows how i started to gain more awareness and looked at my problem with radical honesty, even tho i was still sick and struggling. Small steps always lead somewhere.

[enbyrecovery]

2023 september the 9th i wrote :

the fact that i’m losing slowly weight but that i’m also becoming wider and squishier at the same time is truly an injustice.

_____

My current views on it :

It’s so cruel how strong your ED is lying to you.

I wasn’t becoming wider, my body dysmorphia was worsened by the severely restrictive diet i had. A malnourished body can’t make it up for all your organs, so your brain loses some cognitive functions too at some point. You’re not able anymore to perceive yourself correctly, the ED is lying and corrupting the way you see the entire world fr.

If i became squishier (also a not truly accurate perception since body dysmorphia was messing with my head too much), it could as well have been due to the muscle loss when you’re not eating enough. No matter how much you exercise : you can’t build muscle or even maintain muscle mass if you don’t eat enough. Your body eats itself up to carry you around. Your ED is lying to you by making you think you can fix this by restricting even moreً or exercising more, when truly the disorder generates exactly what you fear so you stay enslaved to it.

At the hospital on my diagnosis day, they measured my muscle strentgh in my arm/hand, by making me squeeze the hardest possible on a machine. Results : i ended up having the strentgh of a 75 years old, at 28. I was convinced i was doing it the "safe way", by consuming vitamins and minerals daily to compensate the lack of nutrients. I was naive to think i wouldnt need anything else, but all my body was decaying. I'm still getting more muscles back now ~

[enbyrecovery]

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self reminder that I may be not full of shit after all

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I relate to this a lot.... I think it’s because they never were into starvation. If they eat 2500 or even more, they melt by eating 1200 cal But when I did eat 1200 cal when I first tried to recover, I gained like 6kg (super hard to lose after btw), because I was starving, not them so my body tried to hold on as much food as it was given I fuckd my entire metabolism with that, now I can gain weight by eating like a 5 years old so frustrating That’s the harsh reality behind starvation

genuinely how do normal people lose weight. like they do their calorie deficit of 1,200 or whatever or keto and still lose it somehow

but when i eat over 800 cals i gain weight

[enbyrecovery]

Some ed memes 💀🦋

Some bloating advice 🤍

If you struggle with bloating try drinking loads of cold water, herbal teas like green tea, camomile, peppermint etc and lemon water

Also you can do a mini exercise before bed or some yoga

Some people say to stop eating after 7-8pm however I’m unsure if this helps

[enbyrecovery]

i felt that to the core.

Those rules came progressively out of nowhere and were always more and more restrictive and absurd.

And the longer they stick around, the harder it will get to question them and release them away.

One art-therapist i consulted asked me to keep in mind that question :

when i use these restrictive rules and i feel the urge to control everything about myself, who am i really giving my power back to ?

I wish everyone hope and strength, i wish everyone to heal those wounds we keep to ourselves.

it is possible even when it feels like it’s not ❤️‍🩹

So like maybe I’m doing better cause I’m eating but I’m getting better at not eating as much as I want to eat

[enbyrecovery]

So, here i’m back again. i kinda don’t want to, and want to at the same time.

Ed brains are so complex.

i tried recovery so much.

It was so painful in the process, from emotions to anxiety to literally physical pain caused by the digestion, the bloating, after starvation and laxatives. i remember getting triggered so many times by other’s comments. trying to prove some doctors that i was sick enough, even if i didn’t succeed to lose more than 20kg. some of them don’t care about your illness and suffering if you’re not underweight, if you still have your period, etc.

i am not skinny. that still feels like a failure on the inside.

i’m healthier now tho. i have more energy, my hair falls just the regular amount, im not close to faint when i stand up too fast, im not freezing cold all the time. i’m less pale, my face looks less flat. i smile more, i live more.

that should sounds like a victory, but that still feels like a failure on the inside.

•

i remember when i got on that side of tumblr the first time. my account was terminated 3 times. that’s why i don’t put barely any tags anymore. even when you’re not okay and try to vent a bit, strangers try to silence you to let you d!e. your simple existence bothers them. i’m not even one of these big accounts, and i’m not promoting this shit to others. i’m just trying to survive and feel less alone on the way.

A year has passed since my ED diagnosis, i got my yearly appointment to check where i was nowadays. i’m still at the same weight since a year, i’ve gained like 6kg after my first recovery attempt (even while eating like a 5 years old) and had to fight to lose them in the most healthy way possible, and maintain my weight in recovery rather than gaining. That still feels like a failure on the inside.

i feel so confused tonight cause i know i don’t want to feel obsessed and having my mind controlled by food and numbers again all the time, but also i remember how i smiled when that one doctor (the only one who cared, bless her) told me that even if i was still overweight as my BMI said, i was also severely malnourished.

•

so many contradicting words in my head.

« you are severely malnourished. » said this nutrition doctor at the hospital last year.

« you probably eat more than you think, because if that was true, you would be skinny » said my current psychiatrist this year. he made me get back at counting calories, because i was scared he was right.

« hm, 1200 calories per day seems enough for an adult person like you » he said when i calculed my daily intake over a month after that. i was in recovery but still eating around 1200 cal. that’s what a 2 years old child need daily. he didn’t believe me when i told him i was supposed to eat 2000 daily and that, therefore, i was still in some kind of restriction and looking for help, to do better. no everything’s fine to him.

« you look so hot and desirable as you are, thick is better than skinny » said one of my situationship.

« wow you look so young » said this girl at my school when learning my age, « that must be because you have a round face with round cheeks like children » she added to ruin everything.

« yeah that’s what it is to be fat, you age better » said another girl at my school, as a compliment. i was mortified on the inside.

« are you sleeping/eating well ? » asked a random doctor from my school. « well, in fact, i have an eating disorder, that i’m trying to recover from » i said to her. « ohh so you’re eating too much? » she assumed by looking at me. it says it all.

« wow the meal is looking so empty now you served yourself a plate » laughed my best friend and his girlfriend, after i said to them that i need no comments on my weight or my food in recovery. why they do not care ?

how to ruin any person’s attempt to get better. everytime.

•

i don’t know what should i do now. i’m torn.

One part of me wants to accept that i’ll stay that way and that it’s enough work done, that i should just learn to live with the mixed feelings i have, keep focused on recovery. the other part wants to surprise people when they’ll see me at school after summer, to get my flat cheeks again, to get back that sense of validation i got when people saw me eat and thought it was not much or not enough, when they complimented me on my weight loss, to get back the sense of security i felt through my silly controlling routines and limits.

[enbyrecovery]

i deserve a life where i’m not at my weakest.

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Here’s to hoping that every single person with schizophrenia or a schizoaffective disorder or DID or NPD or any other ridiculously demonized mental illnesses has a wonderful day

[enbyrecovery]

I feel that a lot lol

ok i’ve washed my hair and put on a big t shirt there is no mental illness in this body

[enbyrecovery]

Telling someone with an0rex!a to eat will never magically cure them. it will even trigger the problem even more.

Recovery must start from within. Healing must start from within. How do we get that inner spark back ?

if people want to help someone with an ed, they should help by genuinely caring for everything else other than food and body. That’s where the people suffering from that illness needs the most care.

Also, wanting to force recovery for them will take away or diminish their sense of autonomy. What a person suffering from this ed crave is control… you don’t get that much obsession for control when you already got it over your life. it’s actually because you’ve been traumatised by feeling you’re not having enough in the first place, that you compensate by overly controlling the only things you own : the food on your plate, your body. This whole illness shows how little control you have over your life if this is the type of things you put all your energy into, if all your power is dedicated to diminishing itself.

If you’re a person who wants to help a relative with their ed by trying to control their food intake for them : it will very likely fail. Focus instead on increasing their sense of autonomy, self-worth, showing them how much appearance is the least interesting thing about people’s lives, not just theirs, but also yours, and how you treat anyone else. The wounded part of them won’t trust you otherwise.

Remember :

Body and food relationships are just the consequences, laying on the surface. You will never cure the cause by treating the consequences as the real problem. ❤️‍🩹

Young Frankenstein (1974) dir. Mel Brooks

[enbyrecovery]

Your breakfast, sir

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it works for recovery/healing too 🙏🌻

[enbyrecovery]

Habits - wall print available here