encxgnito
Encxgnito.
LA native | chicano | bassist | rugger | anime aficionado
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just know i loved you all along
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whatever happens, happens.
got some control, but not that much in the grand scheme of things. gotta learn to let go, slow down, and not take things so personal.
it's better/easier when i have things to distract myself with: music, working out, work, looking after the dogs.
god rememeber how badly i felt in baltimore tho. at least i had good friends there i could relate to and go out with. i kinda understand that local mentality a bit better now. i'm thankful i left home for 5 years and saw other shit. i can't imagine being ok with living in the same spot for all my years on this earth. like ok maybe ima end up buying my first house in LA but i'm glad i''ve lived/experienced other places after graduating high school.
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“I understood that I was inventing myself, and that I was doing this more in the way of a painter than in the way of a scientist. I could not count on precision or calculation; I could only count on intuition. I did not have anything exactly in mind, but when the picture was complete I would know. I did not have position, I did not have money at my disposal. I had memory, I had anger, I had despair.”
—
Jamaica Kincaid, from Lucy: A Novel
(via lifeinpoetry)
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it takes years to develop your craft. do not romanticize the idea of an ‘overnight success’. be a student. grow organically. get really good. hate your work. start over. find new ways to express the same ideas. the student becomes the master. your time will come.
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god damn i really just need to meet somebody who i click with and not fuck it up
all i do is fuck up in the worst ways and im tired
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in all actuality i should stop fucking around and send a portfolio to modeling agencies and get picked up
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met a girl over summer. shit had its ups and downs and it is what it is. i dont think either of us are really feeling it anymore. a damn shame cuz i thought we really had something. it had been a very long while since i felt this way.
last convo was saturday and it was a bummer. i'm an option and she was someone i was prioritizing. thats on me though but thats why i wanna pull out of this cuz i dont wanna get my feelings hurts. today she texts me wondering where's the pic of the zucchini bread i baked with my sister (i did that instead of go on the date she blew off). FIRST OF ALL, bitch it's zucchini bread fucking google a pic or something like come on idk this clearly isn't about any damn zucchini bread and you wanna talk to me. so why not just talk to me? ask me how i'm doing or call me? not a fucking zucchini bread headass text.
i responded two hours later and idk it was just a weird exchange. i miss when this wasn't all fucked up. but i don't see why she would want anything serious with me at this point. and i don't see a reason as to why i should wanna be serious with her (altho the feeling is still very much there). i wear my heart on my sleeves and i readily spill my insides for people. maybe my existence is flawed but i am who i am. this is me. and that should be respected to some degree i would like to think. and that's just not the case.
feelings suck 10/10 wouldn't reccomend.
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