endl3ssthoughts - Tumblr blog

[endl3ssthoughts]

Sadness.

Aug 21.

Lots of things have happened the past (almost) 2 months. Vet school old friend/classmate passed away from suicide. It did shake up the whole class when it happened.... though with the event it did bring people I haven’t talked to in a long time together. But as bad as it sounds, once everyone has moved on, everyone will go back to the normal selves. It is a very bad timing with COVID happening but... I hope in her next life time she can have a more stress free life. 

Work has been good but emotionally draining. Deep down I know I no longer want to be a vet long term. Sometimes I just want to cry in the clinic because I feel so emotionally drained. It is a good learning experience but I just feel tired. 

I also just want stability and security. Things are still going on with him. We are at the point of FWB but with feelings involved. I know deep down I should move on and... I wish he moves on first as well. I just hope... this year I can meet someone who will really cherish me, love me, and want me. Sometimes I feel so hopeless because I don’t have anyone here. Then again, I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Going back to the US no longer feels like the right decision. Staying in Australia does not sound quite right either. The other day I watched a Youtuber getting proposed to and.... it made me really sad. Not because of the proposal but because I feel like I will never get to that point in life of having someone. I know people always say, being married does not necessarily always mean good things but to me... its the idea of knowing you always have someone there. I hope the next person I date will love me for who I am and that I will appreciate them for everything they do for me. 

[endl3ssthoughts]

Heartbreak.

July 2.

I have successfully found a job and been working for 3 weeks already. Work has been tiring but rewarding at the same time. In all honesty, I really don’t like the town at all. It’s small and to a certain extent, people are racist. However the clinic environment has been pretty good and I’ve been able to get along with everyone.

However being out here, I’ve only been relying on him. I think at one point I fell hard for him. Spending a week with him before starting work maybe wasn’t a good idea... after getting rejected no matter how much I tried to convince him to give me a chance... I think it really broke me. As stubborn as I am, I have never tried this hard to be in a relationship. You would think trying your best will convince him but no. He went on about us not wanting the same future... even though in a way i don’t agree with his outlook. It is what it is. It’s been such a long time since I’ve had my heart get broken like this. Even breaking up last year in March didn’t make me cry this much... but I guess its because he’s the only one I can really rely on that’s close to me. I just hope this heartache can go away soon and maybe I can find someone who will treat me better.

I’m suppose to go down and see him this weekend but... I don’t think I’m ready. As much as I told him to just do his own things while I’m down there, part of me still wished he would have dedicated some time for me... but at the same time I know if he does, to me I’ll read it as a mixed signal. What used to be a thing I look forward to is now something that makes me really sad. I guess that’s why they always say, don’t sleep with your friend. I just hope COVID ends soon so I can just move on from here and go back or maybe move back to Sydney. I really wish I have more friends out here or support group. Or even just someone I can call and cry to about the guy that broke my heart. Sadly the one friend that used to comfort me turned out to be the guy that broke my heart. I hope my emotions won’t get in the way of work... but I definitely been having a lot more thoughts about wanting to leave work this past week. 

All I want is just courage to move on and find someone that will treat me better. All I want is security and safety... someone I can rely on and fall back to. Someone that will love me and spend time with me. I know I’m not an easy person to manage but I just wish... I have someone by my side who will support every step of my journey. I’ve always told myself if I can find someone here, I will not say no to the opportunity of staying here long term or even permanently. Guess the universe has other plans for me.

[endl3ssthoughts]

Emotionally Drained.

May 8.

It has been 2 months of finding work and still no success. Went on a trial a few weeks back and thought I would have gotten the job but... basically got falsely accused for doing something by someone at that clinic. Have another trial next week and an interview as well.. hoping to hear some good news then. Really mentally exhausted trying to find a job. I know I act like I’m fine in front of people but in reality... I’m not. I find myself crying at night feeling so overwhelmed. I know it’ll get better overtime but during the meantime I just feel like I’m trapped.

I was able to visit him a few weeks back when I did my trial. Not going to lie, being able to share a moment with him made me really happy... but it also made me sad knowing nothing will progress more than friendship. I hope our decision will not cost our friendship in the future... I still really care about him and during that weekend when I was with him, I felt very safe. 

For once universe, can you just let me successfully have things go smoothly? I’m really emotionally exhausted and I don’t know how long it will be before I crumble. 

[endl3ssthoughts]

Waiting.

March 22.

This past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions. I applied to a clinic that I was not too sure if it was the right thing to do or not... but now I am scare. In all honesty I thought originally he would consider dating but fair enough... if we dated it would be short term. However I don’t know if I can face living with him... if he dates someone else. I know people have said to me that you can always just leave a work if you aren’t happy... but I am scare that if I leave any earlier than a year, then it will be because of him. 

A friend asked if I have ever been happy when I was single and I did. Last year when I had my friends with me, those were moments where I did not need to be in a relationship... but potentially needing to move to a new place again... I don’t know how much my emotions can handle it. Maybe it’s an excuse but I do want company. Just feels like being in this current situation, I really do not have anyone to rely on. People have let me down. 

However I am trying to stay hopeful and positive. I just hope this next year will pass by fast and then I can leave. Am I making the right decision? Can someone just pull me out of this darkness?

[endl3ssthoughts]

2020

March 17.

Seems like it has become a tradition now to come back to tumblr once a year to check on things. A lot has happened since the last post. Survived vet school and passed my North American boards. Survived the bush fire (and ended vet school with having to evacuate campus). Now entering the coronavirus time... in all honesty, I really should be proud of myself for sticking through these four years.

I guess I semi-held true to my last post and didn’t quite end up dating but did get myself into some mini dramas. Experienced first hook up which I think was needed in all honesty. I know I got hurt (but can argue that it was because of miscommunication or I just denied seeing the truth) but I feel like I definitely grew from the experience... definitely realized how much I give in to a person and in a way not standing up for myself. We did meet again once after the incident but... I just felt like it was too awkward. Guess one night stands aren’t my thing. I also ended up also having a moment with a friend. Thinking back... it probably wasn’t a good idea. Dare I say, I probably got hurt more with him than the hook up. Maybe because of him that I decided to stay in this country that I hate so much... but now we are in the situation where he does not want to date. Fair enough. I am not staying here long term and he wants to find someone he may end up with. In all honesty, I am still hurt that I got rejected but that is how life is. In order to move on from him, I’ve been on dating apps for two to three weeks and... I don’t know... the guys just seem boring. There was one particular guy that I did match last year that I matched again this year. I was actually legit keen to meet him but good o’ coronavirus is happening... I wonder if we will ever be able to meet. I think this year has been a test for me. Not going back to home and staying in this country. Finally thought I moved on from my friend but then may now be his housemate... This might be the dumbest thing I will ever say (and when I read back in the future) but... I. really. want. a. boyfriend.  I guess... I am just tired of being independent. Looking back at previous posts, I think one thing I haven’t is to be independent but maybe because that comes down to not strong support group? I don’t know. I definitely felt fine in September to December when I was out at C-town for my last rotation... but I guess now I am back here finding jobs and knowing I may be by myself again, the idea is daunting again. However, all the relationships I have been through these four years have definitely made me grow as a person more. I am more aware of how I am like in relationships and things i need to improve... but at the same time, it scares me how I may never find someone suitable for me. I must admit though, looking at some old posts I have written before I definitely did not appreciate my ex enough when we were together. Thank you M for helping me through my vet school. 

I also received a letter I wrote to myself 6 years ago. It was a very heartwarming letter and in a way sad. I still feel like I am still as not confident as I was when I wrote that letter. I know past me will be proud for finishing vet school and being in a relationship... but past me will probably hope that I grew to become a stronger person with more confidence. I am sorry past me. 

With the coronavirus happening now, I do not know what will happen to me. I keep telling myself I am grateful that I finished my degree and passed my board exam unlike some friends that have gotten their placements cancelled. But its still very nerve wrecking to not have a job. I am in a debate as to whether I should take the rural clinic my friend is working at or just wait. I do not think I can handle seeing him date someone else while I am working in all honesty. I know I am in better situation than so many people but I still feel lost... and the feeling of uncertainty really drives me crazy. Guess I need to find a way to manage this stress otherwise I may spiral down again like how I did in second year. 

It’s almost 2AM. Should probably head to bed. Future me, I hope you will be stronger than I am now and be happier. I know I should be lucky to be able to be where I am now and to have my parents support me even though I am still unemployed. However... part of me is very disappointed with myself. 

[endl3ssthoughts]

New start

May 8

It has been over a year since I’ve updated on here. Its final year for me and things have been really busy. I’m surprised I trucked through long distance though at the end of March we decided to split ways. Its for the best but... I really miss his company. Many things have happened this past year. Him moving overseas and then doing LDR. I got to visit him again earlier this year and it was really nice. However in a way I realize we weren’t compatible in terms of living together... and I am definitely guilty for not being grateful for everything he has done for me. I do hope he can find someone who will be more compatible with him and cherish him more than me. 

During the meantime I’m going to take a break from the dating scene.

[endl3ssthoughts]

Emotionally drained

April 14.

First post of 2018. It’s been almost half a year since I have written a post. I have started long distance with my boyfriend for about 2 weeks already... Not going to lie, it’s very hard especially with current time difference. I’m still adjusting it. I’m kind of glad that I am currently busy with school work so I can take my mind off of things... but I feel like I’m also a lot more emotional when I am stressed. Earlier today, we had a very bad bickering where I told him he can break up with me if he wants. I think after an hour or two I cooled off and realize how stupid I was being. I do want the best for him so I still told him that if he wants to date locally, I’m fine with that. But he still insists on pursuing LDR with me. I don’t know what will happen with us by the end of this year. Will we still be together? I don’t know. I need to learn how to control my emotions when i am feeling very emotional. Sometimes i wonder what I did to deserve him, considering how much he puts with me when I am like a ticking bomb. Got to go back and study... so this post will be short.

[endl3ssthoughts]

Late night thoughts.

November 27. It’s 3am in the morning and I can’t sleep. This past semester had been really hard for me. At one point I had mild depression to the point where I was breaking down and crying constantly over things. It got better after going on break in September but those few months were so exhausting and draining. My emotional breakdowns got the best of me at one point where I started questioning my relationship with my boyfriend. Being honest, there are moments where I can see myself having a future with him and moments where I do not. Sometimes i feel like he’s not enough for me emotionally and financially. I know it is too early still to decide if this is the person I want to marry or not. I guess what I’m saying is that times that I feel like we should break up, I do not have the courage to do so. As selfish as it may sound, I personally don’t want to see him with another girl... at the same time I do feel like I can find someone else that can meet my ‘requirements’ more and be able to show his emotions the way I want him to. I’m not saying my current boyfriend is bad. He’s really sweet and caring. It’s just more of he thinks differently from a lot of people so it takes a lot of communication and understanding to convey what we both want from each other... I guess also the fact that my parents don’t quite approval him makes it harder for me. As much as I want to satisfy my parents and finding a man they will like, I feel like that may not lead me to happiness.

Sometimes I wish that i am already in fourth year. I really want to leave this place already and start working already. The fact that I have to find an apartment for next year is already stressing me out. Tbh I don’t know how I’m going to handle my emotions next year when my boyfriend moves back to the states. As much as I want to support his career, the selfish side of me wishes his transfer is delayed so he can stay by my side a bit longer. 

Late night thinking can be toxic for the soul. I know I worry too much about a lot of things, which may have been the reason why I feel into depression a bit earlier this semester. I can get really emotionally attached to feelings and thoughts, which also may be another reason why its hard for me to break up with my boyfriend when I start doubting our relationship. I know he hates it when I say this to him but I do genuinely believe that he can find someone who is more suitable for him and will make him happier. I guess for me, with the lack of self confidence I have, I do not feel like I can find someone better. But some may argue that because of this stupid mentality, I’m not willing to let him go and I’m only trapping him in this relationship. Perhaps you can argue that it is a very selfish thing for me to do.

I just watched this Taiwanese movie called ‘Our Times’ and it really got me... I guess its because my boyfriend isn’t here with me right now that I get really emotional. I wont be able to see him again until early of next year because we just so happen to miss each other by a day or two this coming weekend when I fly back home while he flies back here. I know I start to get more emotional and anxious as we get closer to 2018... It means we’re getting closer to the day he moves back to the states. As much as I want our long distance relationship to work... deep down my instincts are telling me it’s not going to work out... and I think main part of it is due to my insecurities of not being able to trust him fully and my emotions. It really isn’t fair for him to go have to put up with these things and I have told him numerous times about it. I just hope... he will learn to give me the kind of attention I want and make me feel needed... A couple of weeks ago, he got frustrated and angry over some planning issues and became violent. That really shook me up because I fear of him getting violent with me. He threw his notebook and punched the door... but my mind was so scare that he will accidentally hit me to release his frustration. Not going to lie, that moment really made me question whether or not I want to put up with this. He also has panic attacks, which he never told me before until we went on a trip together back in October. I don’t blame him for having it but I would have appreciated it if he told me about it earlier before. I guess in the moment when you’re emotionally unstable, the last thing you want is to help out with someone else’s emotions. I probably should head to bed before this post becomes a novel.

I really need to learn to stop thinking.

[endl3ssthoughts]

Inner peace.

August 10. It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. Lately my emotions have been all over the place. Today instead of going to class, I burrito up the entire day. All the things that I used to do to keep me de-stressed seem to not work today. I would have little attention spam in doing something before feeling frustrated or bored. It’s like I can’t find inner peace within myself. I’m not too sure if it’s because of stress or not... I just feel like I have a lot of feelings bottled up inside of me. I really want to cry but I’m unable to. Lately I’ve noticed... that I’ve been getting more thoughts about wanting to self harm. I do have a bit of suicidal thoughts but its not serious where I know I’ll act... I lately have caught myself hurting myself under stressful conditions. In a way the pain keeps my mind at ease. I don’t really quite know what to do. Sitting here, I’m just feeling really frustrated and confused. Nothing went wrong today and yet I’m really stressed out and emotional.

On a side note, I finally celebrated our 1 year anniversary. I know 1 year doesn’t seem long (and its not) but it’s a pretty huge accomplishment for me. I’m such a hard person to deal with and the fact that he’s been by my side all this time really helped out a lot. I really don’t know what I’ll do when he moves back. Deep down, part of me says that we aren’t going to work out... from his personality, long distance is going to be hard. He gets frustrated when he has to commit to calls and messages. I guess no matter what happens I hope the best for him. I hope he finds someone who will love him or even more than I do. 

[endl3ssthoughts]

Appreciation.

May 2. It has been over a month already since our incident. I feel like we are starting to appreciate each other more and try to understand each other better... or so I think I am. I also realized I’m relying on him more and more. It really scares me because... when he moves back to Seattle, I will no longer have the physical support here. I know people say that I can always call him and we can fly to visit each other but the fact that we have to do this for over a year really scares me.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and cry, imaging the day when he’s flying back to the states. I know it’s stupid to think about it now, since it’ll be (hopefully) another half year before it all happens though I’m really scared of the day it comes. Time passes so fast that I feel like sometimes it just slips out of my hands without my realization. I feel like I don’t appreciate my time with him and spend wasting just sleeping and studying (though studying is necessary so that’s understandable). Sometimes I wonder what he really sees in me. I’m hard to deal with and I don’t love myself as much as I portray it on the outside. There are many things in life that I regret not doing or not doing well. There are times I wish there’s a rewind or restart button for life.

It’s almost 1am and I’m suppose to be up early tomorrow though I can’t sleep. I realized that we have dated for 9 months already. I’m trying to get ideas on what to do for our 1 year anniversary card. Here are the things that I thought of for each month (well tried to):

July: Milkshakes & Mocha

August: Got together; Pokeburger

September: Ramen

October: Aladdin

November: Gelato?

December: Netflix 

January: Cabbage and lettuce; phone/Whatsapp

February: Torpedo and sushi

March: Strawberry Watermelon cake

April: Carmen & Cabbage manatee

Obviously this is not a finalized list but just some ideas right now for me to know what to do. I’m being hopeful and believe that we will still be together by the end of July to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. I know that some people think its stupid but like I said, this is the longest relationship I have ever been in so i would like to make it a milestone for myself. 

I hope that things will work out between us. He has such a gentle soul and I wish I can protect that. I know he can be derpy and sometimes a bit dumb to the point that it frustrates me, though he’s always there for me when I need help. I probably don’t show enough appreciation and I should. He does a lot more for me and have been there for me when I’m down. I hope I can start showing him how much I appreciate him through actions rather than just words.

[endl3ssthoughts]

Calming.

March 21. I know it hasn’t been 24 hours since we argued last night... but we ended up deciding to give each other another chance. He did initially bring up the fact that he wanted to break up and that really scared me. I was really emotional and couldn’t stop crying. I was really frustrated because his reasoning at that time for breaking up didn’t make any sense. Knowing how stubborn I am, I tried to reason with him why he shouldn’t break up with me and should give us another chance. During our 3 hour long talk, I realized the more i tried to reason with him, the more I felt hopeless. Eventually towards the end I told him I don’t have the strength to reason with him anymore because by that point I’ve slowly accepted the fact. I didn’t think he would changed his mind after the conversation though. I guess either of us know if this decision is the right decision to make or not but I want to cherish this chance and make things better.

I know that I got what I wanted though part of me is a bit hesitant still. To the future me, I know you’ll think I’m stupid when you look back for making the promise to him that I won’t break up with him during his time here in Sydney. I guess... I really do rely on him too much and letting him go would be too much for me to handle. I also think because he’s the longest I ever dated, I really don’t want to give up that easily yet. I know I can be irrational at times and make sacrifices or compromise my own beliefs and values just for the other person... but there’s still a small voice inside of me that keeps saying things will work out. 

Earlier I was on my bed listening to the rain and the thunder and for once, it felt really peaceful and calming. For a second it just felt like the whole world had stopped.

[endl3ssthoughts]

Drowning.

Mar 20. Just when I thought things are going well... everything goes downhill again. I thought I was doing well with my boyfriend but one day after his birthday we get into a huge argument. I no longer know what to trust... when I feel like something is going well and let my guard down, something bad happens. 

We got into a fight over something stupid though tbh I don’t know if he’ll be able to hold it up. I did tell him if he wants to break up with me he can. He doesn’t have to feel like he must be committed to me or anything. I’m just really disappointed in myself. During the moment I was really frustrated because he wasn’t doing what I have asked him to do. Thinking back now, it was really stupid of me. Drinking while feeling frustrated also made it worse. I guess sometimes these are lessons life gives you for you to learn. Crying by myself isn’t going to change anything. My actions have already caused a rippled and there’s no way to undo it. I guess this is karma. 

What scares me is how after starting second year, the urge to self harm keeps increasing. I realized every time I’m frustrated or conflicted, I’ll scratch myself really hard because that’s the fastest mean of hurting myself without inflicting any wounds. I have contemplated about getting a xacto knife but I know if I do it’ll be a lot harder to hide. I sometimes ask myself “why am I alive in this world?” All I can do is cause people to suffer and feel suffered. Maybe my parents are right and that this pathway is really not meant for me. My entire mental health has declined dramatically. The thought of suicide has occurred to me more and more lately. I hate how I can never truly express my feelings and always hiding it because I don’t want to burden people like my boyfriend. Yet... I still never learn that holding it in ends getting me in trouble. The thought of not being on this world.... sounds really peaceful to me right now.

[endl3ssthoughts]

Reflection.

Mar 13. It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I remember back in February I came on here to write something but half way writing the post I closed out the window. Many things have happened after starting school again... Thinking back now it’s quite scary how in early February I was slightly depressed and was crying almost every night... even breaking down one day and not being able to get out of bed and go to classes. I think it was the pressure back then, knowing that second year is going to be a lot harder and also the reality that some people failed first year and had to redo it. Then came the issue of whether to continue a ldr with my boyfriend or not. It’s pretty silly of me to think about it even though it’s probably a year away from now. I guess my need of having to know the outcome really bothered me and I was constantly crying and bickering with my boyfriend about it.

I guess from February, I learned that I have really supportive friends that do care about me. I also learned that it’s never good to assume what’s “best” for the other person. I kept assuming (and tbh I still kind of do) that breaking up with my boyfriend before he moves back home will be the best solution. In my head, I feel like doing ldr with him will become a burden to him. He’s really busy with work and I feel like the time difference will only make it harder for us to communicate. I really do want him to be happy. My fear of knowing that I can’t be there for him when he’s back home scares me as well. I feel like I’ll fail in being a good girlfriend and not be able to take care of him when he’s down and stressed... I feel like if he has a girlfriend with him back home, it’ll do him more good than him dating me (and doing ldr). But during this whole time, I never asked him what he wants. I always just assume what’s best for him when in reality all he wants is to continue this relationship. I’m really scared doing ldr. I’m scared that we won’t be able to see each other and also knowing that he’s not too willing to see me (and I don’t have the financial means of flying to the states to see him either). I guess at the same time though, we will never know without trying. Looking back at my previous post (the one in November), I realized during that time I was the one that assumed he wanted to break things off when in reality he didn’t want to. I also kept joking about how we would end our relationship when he moves back to Seattle and because I kept bringing it up, he thought I was serious. It’s pretty interesting seeing how much our relationship has grown over this pass 3 months and I feel like our relationship have gotten stronger after I stopped lying to myself about my feelings and thoughts. 

I’m hoping March will pass by smoothly. I’ve been feeling stressed because the workload is a lot more than first year though I’m definitely enjoying it a lot more as well. 3 more weeks till we start placements again and then midterms... I hope my emotions and mental state will stay stable this next few weeks.

[endl3ssthoughts]

What to do.

Nov 25. I don’t quite know what to do anymore. It’s funny how yesterday was Thanksgiving and today I’m in an awkward situation with my boyfriend. I knew from the very beginning that he was going to move back to Seattle and that this relationship won’t last long... but deep down (after almost 4 months of being together), I wish he was willing to do ldr. I know it’s still early to think about it but... sometimes he would tell me that if I want I can break up with him. To me this isn’t fair because it shows that he’s not really committed to this relationship and... it’s also a wake up call for me that he’s really not the one. I know being in relationships is hard for me because I tend to invest a lot of emotions and energy into it. It just saddens me that he’s unwilling to try ldr. I guess I don’t blame him though because we are so different. We are basically two people from different worlds. Sometimes I wonder what it’ll be like if we continued dating after he moves back to Seattle... though the outcome that I always imagine is breakup. I do hope I can find someone better next time... if there is a next time. Relationships are mysterious and hard. I just wish I have better luck. I hope in 2017 I will be able to find a guy that will really treat me well and treasure me a lot. I know its wishful thinking but with each relationship that I have gone thru, the more damaged I feel like I’ve become. 

I’ve been giving some thoughts and maybe I’ll end things early... I may just suggest breaking things off before flying home in January. This way I have one month to adjust. At the same time, I don’t want to have my friends question and ask what happened to him. Also I know if I break up with him I’ll just hop back onto Tinder again... and to be honest I really don’t want to meet someone on there. I guess this is what I get for backing out on my words of not dating anyone from Tinder. I guess this Thanksgiving I was thankful for being in a relationship and having this as a learning experience. I also shouldn’t doubt what my mother says either... from the time I told her about this relationship she warned me not to be too invested in it because she knew he wasn’t going to commit (especially when I told her ldr wasn’t really possible). Sometimes I do wish that I got together with a good friend back in the states instead because I share a lot of things with him. But at the same time dating a friend can destroy friendships. 

Let’s hope December comes soon. I really need some space and time to think thru all of this. 

[endl3ssthoughts]

Lost again.

Nov 13. Once again life has given me lemons. I need to move out from my current place by new years eve and can only move into my new place by new years. It’s such a shitty time because who does that to students? Originally my boyfriend was going to help but he can’t anymore because his parents are going to be here. I don’t resent his parents for coming because they have the rights to do so. I’m frustrated by the fact that he’s not willing to tell his parents about our relationship and he’s not willing to tell them that “hey i have to help a friend move on the 31st”. One of the things I value a lot in relationship is being able to tell people about your significant others. Tbh I’m guilty of this as well. I don’t feel comfortable introducing him to my friends and I doubt I’ll be comfortable introducing him to my parents even though my mom knows about it. It just shows how little you are to him when he’s not willing to tell the world that “hey I’m dating this girl”. I think this may also be out of frustration and stress that I’m typing this up right now. At least I’ll have some friends to celebrate the new years eve with. 

At this rate I really think we will break up (hopefully mutually) by the time he moves back... but I’m also scared that he won’t be moving back because Trump got elected for president. I really wish I can find someone in the future that will take me seriously. Sometimes I feel like maybe in this lifetime it’s not meant for me to find someone. At least I’ll be surrounded by cats and dogs. 

[endl3ssthoughts]

Help.

I realized it’s been a ritual that I come onto Tumblr once a month to do a post. I just got back from placements and my semester break and tbh... this time around I dreaded going back to school a lot. The university hasn’t been making it easy for us international students and I really don’t like the dynamic of my class anymore. I also don’t really like the group of friends I hang out with anymore either. They’re chill and all but I don’t feel close to them at all. One of my friends is actually withdrawing from the program after this year and moving back to the states. I know it sounds sad and tbh it is a waste of time and money for her to do that. But at the same time, I’m really jealous of her. I thought initially getting a boyfriend will help me like Sydney here a bit more. It did in the beginning but recently it just hasn’t been feeling right. Part of me sense that we really won’t last long because it seems like he finally sees how much emotional support I need. I know dating me is a hard because I get really emotional and sentimental about things (despite the fact that I keep saying that I want to change this about myself). He’s not bright enough to know what to give me during times when I’m feeling down. I like him for making my weekends fun and less stressful though I don’t think he can really help me in the long run. I know I should stop saying ‘when we break up....’ because that’s going to make it happen a lot quicker but I’m also really scare. I know the day when we break up, it’ll be really emotional for me. Part of me feels like maybe it’ll happen right after this school year (so during Dec/Jan). It will be a pity if it does.

As much as I try to keep a smiling face and pretending I love being here, I really /really/ hate it here. My friends back in the state keep cheering me up and telling me that time will past fast soon. I wish time can past a lot faster. I guess the people I have met here just don’t seem to appreciate what I do. I feel like I”m always constantly watching over my friends and wiping up their ass for things. Yet they take it for granted. They always ask me to do this and that. When I imply that you should do it yourself, they always go “oh I do plan on doing it myself if you didn’t help”. There’s been a lot of animosity going around. I do hope this feeling goes away because in the long run it’s going to hurt me even more. 

Sometimes I just find myself crying in my sleep. Someone please just help set me free.

[endl3ssthoughts]

Late night thinking

I can’t believe we’re in September already. I felt like this semester passed a lot faster than first semester. In just a week, I will be going on my placements. September is going to pass by really fast and we will only have October left before taking our finals. 

I’m definitely enjoying this semester a lot more than last semester. I guess it’s also because we’re learning about the repro and endocrinology system, which I like a lot. 

One issue I’ve been having (as mentioned in previous post) is that I’ve been having GIT problems. Last Thursday I had this excruciating pain that went on till Friday. I thought it was food poisoning at first since I’m not the best when it comes to cooking (and sometimes using old vegetables to cook). I realized though I wasn’t experiencing any food poisoning symptoms. I went into the doctors again and this time she said that it was acid reflux... It’s kind of sad how I’m having a lot of gastrointestinal issues lately. She said its because of stress... but like I said before I don’t feel stressed...? I realized I may have gotten accustomed to the stress level that I now think this is normal.

I’m glad that this year is almost over though at the same time I’m also a bit wary of it. I find myself drifting off and thinking of things when I know I shouldn’t. I realized I’ve met my boyfriend for over a month already... and yet I’m still unsure about this relationship. There’s a tiny voice in my head that keeps saying that we aren’t going to last long... I’ve always been scared about relationships... and I think because of that fear, I have a more negative outlook on relationships I’m in. Perhaps its a sign that I won’t be able to get into a serious relationship...? It’s already 2:30AM and I can’t sleep because I keep thinking what will happen to me and him next year. Will we still be together? If we become steady, will we be able to do long distance? I know these questions aren’t answerable yet. 

I really do wish I have a mute button to turn these thoughts off.