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[endlessnessmeaningless-blog]

Should I write a book.

What do you do when it is the worst year of your life?

Do you pretend that everything is okay?

Do you make yourself think that everything is alright?

Do you tell people you are fine?

Do you hold all your emotions in until you are by yourself alone with your own thoughts.

Or do you do all of the above?

 PRELUDE.

My story has similarites with lots of other peoples stories but it is my story so it is different to me and unique. What is it like being that person growing up who never really had a particular friend group that you could hang out with anyone whether it be the popular kids, the sporty kids or the geeky kids. Well it is actually kind of sad because you can hang out with any body but no one truly knows who you are not even yourself. The cool part about it is yes I never got bullied I never felt threatened but I never felt like I was truly someone that people cared about hanging out with or seeing daily. I had what seem to be best friends and life long friends at that but then we drifted away and went our separt ways. But that is not really what this story is about, this story is about what I wish everyone at school knew about me and my home life so that they would feel bad for me and truly want to invite me to things or get help for me. There are lots of things that happened to me in my life that have worked me up to wanting to express them via story but not until recently I decided I should actually go through with it. I understand that many have had it way worse in life then I am about to describe but I am hoping one day it will help atleast one person get through it like I try to everyday. So with enough about that lets get into the story.

 Chapter 1: Beginning stages of life

I was born in chicago in 1997, about a a year later I moved to a small town that I will not mention for my own personal reasons (but yes this town is still in Illinois). Growing up to many I had  what seemed to be a normal , healthy and happy childhood. And yes in the beginning when I still had my innocence and unknown of the world I was really happy. Actually through everything you will hear in this story I try to remain as positive as possible throughout time. But as a I grew up there became a shift in what I knew about this world and that was it is not always what it seems. Probably when I was in about the 3rd grade I noticed my home life and dynamics were very different than many of my other friends. When I would have sleepovers I was embarassed of how my mom was acting and I would make my friends stay in my room the whole time sometimes even locking my door. I knew that if my friends saw how she acted they would get scared and most likely never want to come over or hang out with me again. Afterall, at that age I was still scared sometimes by her myself. She would be drugged out and extremely paranoid. I remember similar phrases coming from her mouth saying "there coming" " or I know you called them, they are on there way I hear them". At the time I was confused and scared but unfortunately I learned to look pass this infact I started laughing at how pathetic it was to be like that infront of your kids and what kind of mother would do that. But before I got to that point I encountered many things. One particular day I remember I had a choir concert that I really wanted her to go to and I remember she was super bad that night and I was so upset because it was one more thing I wouldn't have my mom supporting me at. The next event I remember a lot is going out to eat with the rest of my family and her not coming with, I was the only child of hers at the time that was still trying to make things work and I wanted my family to be together just for one dinner since this was something we never did. But once again she didn't come and my dad had tried to explain to me why she couldn't and all I remember is being extremely upset over that as well. Seeing things like your mother doing drugs your whole life can really mess you up as a kid emotionally. When she got paranoid she would rip up things like my favorite jansport balck and white backpack or my favorite spongebob sqaurepants shorts or a really expensive under armour long sleeve shirt that I loved to wear all the time. I remember stabbing at the bathroom door with a knife trying to get her to come out I remember crying so much and screaming and just wishing it all would stop but it didn't. This is how most of the younger years went through grade school and middle school. Many times she would leave to go grocery shopping and not come back for like 6 hours later bringing only some snacks from the dollar store. My siblings and me quickly learned for dinners we would have to make them ourselves or find a neighbor that could grab us mcdonalds for the night. Many people at the time didn't realize what was going on in our house and they didn't think anything out of the oridinary that is until one day. My parents had started growing apart I think before I was even born but one day they fought so bad the whole neighborhood knew something was wrong, I don't know how it happened I think my dad brought us over to the neighbors but we got there and the screaming was so bad we heard it houses down.  That was a pretty confusing and terrible day in my life. Supposedly that’s the day my dad accidentally burned all of our baby pictures and birth certificates in the yard after throwing out some of the boxes of junk she had been hoarding for years. Regardless if that is fact or not the day was still shit.

 Chapter 2: The day of the Arrest

Everything after that day seemed to esculate more rapidly and worser than it had been. I remember going to school and saying to my friends I wish my parents would get a divorce. I grew angrier and angrier at my mother and started to not even refer her to that as she didn't feel like she was that anymore. Fast forward to my  16th birthday I get to go to my favorite place in the whole world my grandparents house. I am so happy for right now I don't have to see my mother every day because her mom put her in another rehab program (this is probably the 3rd or 4th time at this point). And with out her there to ruin the day or my mood I am as happy as can be until I realize she showed up and got a day out of rehab. That was so crushing to me because I was so done to listening to her bull over and over again, that is the day I truly gave up on trying to have a relationship with her. If she knew what was good for me it would have been to focus on getting clean and fixing herself. It killed me inside to have her there and to be forced to spend time with her. Two years later she still is doing the drugs but this time money is tight as my dad is currently off of work but her addicition is still on. I am the only one working in my family and we are living off food stamps and unemployement. I am going to school with middle class america and for once I am not in that category my family was so broke that we didn't have money some weekends to see my favorite people my grandparents (who couldn't drive anymore). My dad had drawn closer to alcohol that he was before my mother closer to drugs and anger. I was using her car for transportation for work since I was the only one who could afford to put gas in it. One day she wanted me to pay for her cigarettes for using her car I replied no and she threatened to never let me use the car again. I knew I would lose my job but at the time I didn't care I didn't want to owe that bitch a cent. I had just filled up the tank so I decided I would drive or run it till it was empty. Until she hopped in the car and said fine I am going with you. THIS IS THE MOMENT THAT EVERYTHING CHANGES FOR GOOD. As we are driving she continously yells at me beligerant and on drugs I got so fed up with it that I had decided fine  I will just take your ass to get cigarettes. I go to make the right turn to get on the road with the gas station when she makes the remark, "oh now your gonna buy me some you little bitch"? And as soon as I heard that I made a left so I would be able to loop around the neighborhood and go back home. It is when I make the next left turn into the neighborhood that she grabs the steering wheel and says "I will just kill us both right now". I have never felt more threatened in my life then in this moment. She started hitting me and somehow I managed to get the car to a stop and I call 911. I tell them my mom just grabbed the wheel while I was driving an I feel like my life is in danger I'm sure in the background of that 911 call you can hear background yells of her screaming at me and cussing at me. She got out of the car and started walking. I drive home tell my dad what has happened the police arrive and she gets arrested. I don’t want to say I got her arrested because she did but I did have the option that day of where I thought it should go. She spent the next 3 days In jail because it was a friday

and got bailed out by my grandma on Monday. I didn't care at all because at this point….. To maybe be continued ….