enduretotheend - Tumblr blog

enduretotheend · 3 years

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Is it easier to just walk away from an argument?

Honestly, I'm one to talk things out. I like to discuss and negotiate. Figure out what's going on and not leave anything unresolved.

But not everyone is like that. Some people just walk away.

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enduretotheend · 4 years

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Had a couple drinks today. I learned that I lose attraction to somebody once they show that they don't care as much as you need them.

Story of my marriage though.

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enduretotheend · 4 years

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I failed at the 30 days of consecutive prayer. But I am trying my best at keeping an open mind about my life and the direction it's headed. I am trying my best to not make excuses for myself or other people anymore. I am trying my best to not settle for anything less than what I deserve.

But I am also forgiving. I am absolutely forgiving and ready to move on any time the other party is willing to sacrifice their pride and make things right... and make things better. Relationships will never be perfect. But it takes two people who are persistent, strong, and forgiving to overcome challenges together and become better people together. It's a team effort, nothing less.

I'm afraid.

I need guidance from God.

I've been praying.

I love this man. I want to share my life with him. But there were complications that were brought up this weekend when my parents came to visit.

You see... I'm not doubtful because I don't believe it. I've chosen a different walk of life.

Life isn't black and white. There's so much we don't know that God does.

Would I still be active in the church if my parents weren't around anymore? No, probably not.

I feel like all my life I've been living to make them happy. To make them proud. Go to school, check. Graduate, check. Get a job, check. Get married, check. Have kids, check. Etc. I've been living a life for them on their timeline. And I need to stop doing that.

I'm not saying that I don't believe. Because I do but I'm not so sure anymore. I admit that my faith is shattered. It's like I need to start from ground up again. Everything felt so routine. I used to pray 3 or 4 times a day, every prayer the same. Now I pray rarely but each prayer is so powerful and meaningful. They have so much purpose and intent.

I want to live my life for me. Even if it doesn't play out 100% the way my parents wanted it to. I want to make a decision that is wholeheartedly my own. I know love is blind and makes us act irrationally. But part of me feels like.. I've already tried it the way I was "supposed" to. And it clearly failed. So I want to choose somebody that I am actually compatible with. Someone I am actually attracted to. Someone I actually fell for.

I'm not 100% sure on either way honestly. Every day is a little more proof one way or another. But I want a relationship with God no matter what. So I'm committing to 30 days of consecutive prayer. I want to seek for guidance with an open heart. I want to give it time. I want to so whatever it takes to align my life with what God wants of me. Maybe that's this different path - a life with him. Or perhaps God will send be back to where he needs me to be. I need to be patient and give it time.

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enduretotheend · 4 years

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There is a distinct difference between somebody who complains and somebody who complains but acts on it.

There is a difference between someone who just watches a problem happen and someone who works at solving the problem.

It's okay to not like something, to prefer something else, or be irritated by an issue. It's okay to dislike a situation, call it unfair (or whatever) or complain about it. But it's not okay to just sit there and do absolutely nothing about it. At least not in my world.

And then to watch me struggle at solving YOUR issue without offering any help whatsoever is baffling.

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enduretotheend · 4 years

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Does the God that I believe in base everything on a checklist? Like does he say 1) you served a mission? 2) you went to all hours of church every Sunday? 3) you got married in the temple and had kids? 4) you had 100 hours of community service each year? 5) you only sinned 2 times each day? 6) you prayed every time you ate, even in public?

No.

He does not. I do not believe that my God is just black and white. I believe that my God sees all and understands all. Life isn't black and white. He is compassionate, loving, merciful. I believe that He sees the bigger picture. And He judges us based on how much we tried to align our lives with His will. How much we tried to be the best version of ourselves. How much kindness we show to others. How much love we show to our kids and to our families and friends. I believe that he takes into account all our sacrifices and things we did to better ourselves and be better people.

I know that celestial glory isn't easy to obtain. Just doing the bare minimum isn't enough to get by. I know that there is more. We need to be more. Become more. But I also believe that my God is a God of second chances. I believe that He always has His arms open no matter how far away we are. I believe that action with purpose and meaning is more powerful than just doing something because we are told to. I want to have purpose and meaning to everything that I do.