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enfanttxrriblx · 2 years ago

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Part 3: 2012

We’ve been drowning in our abundance In a life we didn’t want I painted your colours I couldn’t see in my favourite shades of black For not realising what it really was

So I left

I wanted to forget about you But in the 3 am haze of pulsing clubs There you stood, a haunting presence Now I left

So my mind tried to refuge to reality What a silly idea it was Years later Now that we’re a littles less young I am reminded of who we really were

Do you remember what you said? During that concert where Solèy played? She asked if you would kill for love.

See, it would be ignorant to say that I didn’t chose right The person that I was, wasn’t the person that I am

I didn’t want you, I needed you

I was depending on you

Like a perch being hooked

Today, I can be happy without you And I can succeed without your support Still, the love you gifted me with It’s my protection in foreverness Chat GBT Improvement in style of daddy Allen Ginsberg:

2012

We were drowning in our own abundance, suffocating in a life we never truly desired. I painted your colors, those elusive hues hidden within my beloved shades of black. I failed to grasp the essence of what it truly meant.

So I chose to walk away.

The intention was to erase you from my thoughts, to cast you aside like an insignificant memory. But at 3 am, amidst the haze of the pulsating clubs, I caught a glimpse of you. My mind sought refuge in the realm of reality, a feeble attempt that proved to be utterly foolish.

Time passed, and the weight of youth began to dissipate. It served as a stark reminder of who we truly were, deep down in the depths of our souls. Do you recall the words exchanged during that Solèy concert? It felt as if the music resonated solely for our ears, an intimate symphony of our connection.

To claim that I made a misguided choice would be a narrow-minded perspective. The person I was at that time simply wasn't ready for the force we could have become together. I didn't merely want you; I needed you. I was dependent on the very essence of your being, like a fishhook piercing a defenseless perch.

Now, as the present unfolds, I find solace in the fact that happiness can exist without your presence. Success can be attained independently, no longer reliant on your support. Nevertheless, the love you once bestowed upon me remains an everlasting shield, a guardian protecting me throughout eternity.

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enfanttxrriblx · 2 years ago

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Part 2: Note "Musik an David"

White Fence & Ty Segall - Time

Dear Meadow - Sleepy Silver Door

Aguaturbia - Heartbreaker

Rollo Weissensee & Blend - Pastis Duval

Shabjeed & Al Nather - Mtak Mtak

Arca - Arca (komplettes Album, ich revidiere meine Entscheidung zu Best Album und wähle dieses :) arca hat unter anderem das fka twigs Album mit produziert)

Shygirl - Freak

Coucou Chloe - Flip U

Sevdaliza- Oh My God

King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - The Lord Lightning

Charlie Parker & Dizzy Gillespie - Bloomdido

Vladimir Dubyshkin - Lady of the Night

Chopin - Mazurka

Erik Satie - Gnossienne

Brutalismus 3000 - Pentagramm

Ariel Pink - Not enough violence

DIIV - Under the sun

Aleide - 123

Alvvays - Plimsoll Punks

Amnesia Scanner - AS Too Wrong

Arigto & Nicolas Savva - Fragile Resistence of of Falling silent

Bauhaus - Bella Lugosi‘s Dead

Beach House - Space Song

Best Coast - Boyfriend

BETWEEN FRIENDS - affection

Big Thief - Shark Smile

binki- wiggle

Birthday Party - Nick the Stripper

Bonjr - it‘s ok, you‘re ok

BRONCHO - China

Chilly Gonzales - Lana Del Rey Medley

CHLOBOCOP - 999 (oder Narcotics)

Dream Wife - Sports!

The Emotions - Blind Alley

The Exploited - Sex & Violence

The Friends of Distinction - And I Love Him

Fugazi- Waiting Room

The Garden - Clench to Stay Awake

Gary Numan - Trois Gymnopedies

Arvo Pärt - Tabula Rasa: I. Ludus

Grouper - Dragging a Deer up the hill

The Hails - Sugar

HYUKOH - Wanli

IDLES - I‘m scum

Jagwar Ma - Howlin

Japanese Telecom - Cigarette Lighter

The Jesus and Mary Chain - Just Like Honey

John Maus - ... And the Rain

Julien Andreas - Lethal Hardcore 3

Juniore - Magnifique

La Goony Chonga - Dimension

Lebanon Hanover - Gallow Dance

Unaloon - Codependency

Lime Cordiale - Screw Loose

Low - In the Drugs

The Marias - Only in my Dreams

Mystique Braves - To Myself

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - As I Sat by her side

Papooz - Ann Wants to Dance

The Pink Slips - Sweet Talker

Psychic TV - The Orchids

Ragamuffs - Used to Be

Remi Wolf - You‘re A Dog

Rui Ho - Theia Impact

Ryo Fukui - Early Summer

Salami Rose Joe Louis - I Miss You So

SALES - Chinese New Year

Shamir - On My Own

ShitKid - Highway

Shuggie Oties - Aht Uh Mi Head

Siouxsie & The Banshees - Arabian Knights

The Sister Of Mercy - Never Land

The Skellywags - Don‘t Preach Me

Skeggs- Spring Has Sprung

Slaves - The Hunter

Still Woozy - Wolfcat

Tigers Jaw - The Sun

Tom Hengst - Click Block

TV Girl - Birds Don‘t Sing

Vacations - Days

Veruca Salt - Seether

Yves Tumour - ALLES ICH LIEBE SEINE MUSIK

Zola Jesus - Skin

Swans - A little God in my hands

13th Floor Elevator - You‘re Gonna Miss Me

Future Beat Alliance - Hippocampus

Aïsha Devi - Mazda

A.A.L. - Alucinao

Pan Daijing - Disease

Astrid Gnosis - Drop Dead

Textasy - Deja Vu Bass (oder Touch My Level aus SoundCloud)

Sidiki Diabaté - Choisie

Parcels - Tied Up Right Now

Clinic - The Equalizer

Claire Lafutt - Mojo

Sexy Sushi - Sex Appeal

Clara Lucini - La grenade

Abra - Roses

Kris Wu - Tian Di

Cerrone - Supernature

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enfanttxrriblx · 2 years ago

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Part 1: Introspection May 2023

Have you ever wondered what happened to the sad and mythical protagonist of your favourite cutting edge teenage drama when they grow up? Well, we crave madness. We now suffer in silence. And we long for the feeling of loosing control. Now that we’re all grown up life doesn’t allow us to blame our parents or the crappy school systems for our mental deficencies anymore. It’s a trap. Suddenly we’re becoming so good at working on ourselves so that we even trick ourselves into believing we’re happy. However, we will never be cured and we’ll always revisit the place of insanity until the day that we’re able to let go of whatever is driving us crazy. At my age, it’s either improving or finally saying your good-byes to life. There is no in between. And that hurts the most. Not being able to chose a life in dreadfulness, but being forced to become better.

Madness is freedom. Acting out, doing drugs, hurting yourself… it’s all very fulfilling ways of testing your limits. It brings the illusion of living above all rules. It’s limitlessness. When you’re young and beautiful people want to take care of you. The prettier and crazier you are, the more people get obsessed with you. A feeling that is almost as intoxicating as the substances we used to pretend to be addicted to. You’re the star of the night. An icon only known to just a few. When you get older, the glamour turns into pitifulness and then suddenly to disgust.

When you’re young people feel sorry for you as you’re charming yourself through life. Suddenly you turn 25 or 26, and people start to laugh at you. “Look at her, she just tries to fuck her way up top.” A behaviour that used to be idolised as a teen queen. When you hit the magical mark of 25 you loose all innocence of your childlike dolly face. You’re a woman now. And women are not allowed to be sad. We’re supposed to mother society and fix everything and everyone that we used to break for fun.

So now, we just want to escape the cycle of madness. We need to heal, find love to not feel responsible to fix our society anymore and let go of all pressure. It’s just so tiring. I just wanted to die an icon as soon as I’d turn 27 but unfortunately I didn’t do anything remarkable until now. So my death would probably remain unnoticed by time and life.

As for now, I won’t leave a footprint in this world, I know I have to accept all conventional expectations and work. Study, work, be disciplined. Be the best and also be feminine. Be sexy, be wifey material, be as strong as men, and so on. I actually feel just like the girly from “Gone Girl”.

I used to associate myself with Tracy from Thirteen. Suddenly, I wake up just a few years after and I can understand Mme Bovary more than I ever would've wanted to. I hate it. My problems have become average. I used to be the special sad girl, so creative and talented. Making the good hearts around me slaves to wanting to help me reach my potential. I loved the attention. Now, no one cares about me when I don’t actually do anything valuable.

Partying everyday is irresponsible now. It actually even became boring. And I think too much of myself to start doing harder drugs like meth or heroine. So what’s in it even anymore? I’ve died all the ego deaths and had all the disclosures one could think of. Found the source of life on acid like a million times. Tried and abused all the psychedelics, so they don’t allow me to feel the vibrant colours anymore.

Life feels so black and white now. The last thing that could’ve brought me the rush was love, or at least that feeling of high that I associated with love. The failures of relationships that got me physically and emotionally abused kind of ruined that feeling of high too now.

Now, I have to rely on my last resort to give my life a certain meaningfulness now. I feel obliged to take care of serious matters now. What’s even more shocking is that I actually started to car4e about politics and discussions around capitalism in a serious way. As a teenager, you become performative and idealistic. Today I can understand more of their complexities. I can have rational discussions about this shit. I care about this shit. Am I shit? Am I a shitty boring person now? Am I like everyone else? Isn’t it actually a good feeling to be part of society? What do I want now that I am not destined to die a tormented young soul anymore…

Something in me wants to fall in love and start a family. Not sure if it’s just my hormones.. But recently I’ve started to be very comfortable with the thought of creating. Not only life but also knowledge. Put my thoughts and theories out there. Nevertheless, I am convinced that no one will be actually interested in what I have to say. But then again so many people loved “catcher in the Rye”. I thought that novel sucked. I hated to writing style. So maybe someone would love to listen to me?

I love being the centre of attention but without people looking at me. It’s such an annoying urge. Wanting to be seen but not noticed. This even sounds so wanna be deep. Sorry about that.

The point of life I’m locked up in doesn’t feel good. Either, I would love to be myself in 5 years from now or go back to 2013. This current feeling of in betweenness however does not feel intense enough, and I live for intensity.

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