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“I have been bent and broken, but — I hope — into a better shape.”

— Charles Dickens, Great Expectations (via bookmania)

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To change your life you must change the way you think.

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“I wish that I could leave myself alone. I wish that I could finally feel that I punished myself enough.”

— Carrie Fisher, The Princess Diarist

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Update: January 23, 2022

In the second year of the pandemic, I lived life a little bit more but took more wrong turns than I would have liked to.

In the second year of the pandemic, I lived out the rest of my lease in New York City, or more specifically, Brooklyn. I had the opportunity to live in Manhattan with Nathan, but I chose to come back to LA. I tell everybody it was for the job, but really it was for my friends and the girl (Melissa). I missed them.

There is no city like NYC. The rats, the subway, the pizza, it's everything the media fantasizes it to be, and then some. The feeling of community, possibility and youth are unbound to all things, allowing them to be found in everything.

Work has been a roller coaster. I left Liferay for HBOMax, only to come back after three months when the position wasn't as expected. I'm struggling at work. I'm not sure if it is due to a lack of passion, leadership, training, or a genuine disinterest in the work, but I know I don't like it, and I'm struggling. I'm hoping I can get myself out of this rut. I want to prove to myself that I can pick myself up when I fall and get back on top of it. 

I traveled more than I thought I would in 2021. I went to New York and Portland with Melissa, Italy with my dad, San Francisco with J and Josh, Reykjavik and Lisbon by myself, and a few other small trips that I'm sure I'm forgetting. It was great.

I'm currently living with Michael in WeHo, but we signed our lease in August. It's been nice living here, but it's expensive. More than anything, driving has taken the biggest toll on me. It's so far from everything, and this holiday season has been a mess. Next lease, if I don't move back home, I'm going to move to the OC or towards Pasadena — anywhere cheaper. 

I started dating Melissa towards the last quarter of 2021. She's awesome, but I'm hesitant. It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship, and I, quite literally, do not know how to act. I'm already stressed about navigating my way through my life, let alone hers. I'm doing the best I can though, and that's all I can do. Other than that, it's been a joy to have her in my life.

Lately, I've been struggling with finding passion in my life. Maybe it's the busy holiday season, but it feels like I've been persevering each day until the weekend comes. I want to fall in love with life again; I miss having a purpose. 

I have a shit-ton lined up for 2022. While Vancouver was canceled, I still have New York with Melissa in February, Cancun with Lei Anne and them in March, and Scottland in May with Panic! I'm stressed out of my mind, but I'm appreciative of the people in my life.

I’m too tired, too stressed, and too sad to make this note more formatted and thought out. This note is more grim, but I think it's merely because I decided to write this in a sad hour. Hopefully, the next check-in will show brighter spirits. To choosing happiness!

Update: October 2, 2016

I really hope I get accepted into my MBA/MS program. When I entered college as a freshman for my Bachelor’s degree, I had very little assurance of what I wanted to do in life. I hardly even enjoyed the subject I was majoring in. I chose Philosophy going into college because my university didn’t have Theology. Around my late sophomore year, I decided I needed to switch into something more tangible and realistic. I knew I wanted to graduate within four years, so I had to look for a major that had synonymous class requirements with my current major. Eventually I ended up graduating a business major and that was that.

The difference with my MBA/MS program would be my opportunity to do things right. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, I know exactly what I want to study, and I know that I want to be outgoing and network. I want to enjoy my time and actually enjoy what I’m learning in class. I took a look at the course curriculum the other day and, for the first time, actually got excited about the topics that I would be learning about. I would have the opportunity not only to continue to better myself, but have the reassurance that what I’m learning is meaningful to me. 

I’ve always taken a stern look at what others thought about me, and used that to judge how I should direct my lifestyle. But I think I’m done with that. No more taking crap from people, and no more not doing what I want because I’m there only one who finds interest in it.

I’m just what you made, God. 

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so tired, so stressed

I miss being excited about life. I need to find something that makes me feel alive again

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Fearless, in the pursuit of individuality.

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Reaper: There’s a bug on you

Jack: Oh shit, where?

Reaper:

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“No matter how much you revisit the past, there is nothing new to see.”

—

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“Be willing to go alone sometimes. You don’t need permission to grow. Not everyone who started with you will finish with you. And that’s OK.”

— Unknown (via quotefeeling)

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“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationship we are afraid to have, and the decisions we waited to long to make.”

— Unknown (via thoughtkick)

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Update: January 2, 2021

2020 was not a very big year for me. There weren’t many highs or lows, and the ones that did come were not very impactful or potent. In my previous years, I had major changes to how I perceived myself and interacted with the world around me, but because 2020 was so isolatory, it was difficult to bloom.

I was suppose to travel internationally three times in 2020 — Japan, Chile/Peru, and Euro — but instead, I ended up moving to Brooklyn in early October. It’s been nice to live out my fantasy of living in NYC, but I’m not entirely sure I want to live there permanently. As much as I hate LA, all of my friends and family are here, and if there’s one lesson I’ve learned this year, it's that my heart is where my home is, and my home is where I’m surrounded by my loved ones.

I became lazy in 2020. I think it was more of a build up, but I’ve faced the fact that I’m not as ambitious as I use to be. I still have a drive, but it’s not the same as it was in my undergrad. I miss that Chris. I think that was, and still is, the definition of who I am. I am a hungry, curious, and helpful know-it-all. Those years of working and studying simultaneously made me really stressed, but I loved it. In 2021, I’m going to try to get back to that. I want to be more humbly curious, and I don’t want to stop at understanding things at face-value, but rather strive to fully comprehend things. 

The dating life in Brooklyn has been more active for me than I anticipated, and it’s been fun. I’ve reaffirmed that I do want a relationship, but it’s fun to get out and enjoy the dating life — I’ve never been much one for it before. I think my time in Brooklyn has shown me that I have confidence, I just haven’t put myself in an environment to fully thrive with it. If I move back, I’d probably get my own place within 6-12 months of moving back.

Work has been gross. Marketing has been trash for me, so I’m thrilled to be starting out as a data engineer this year with our IS data team at Liferay. I’m excited to struggle a bit while learning some new tricks along the way, all to set me up for some future success.

This year, I don’t want to be anything. I know who I am, and I’m very happy with that person. I’m going to strive for growth as I see fit, and I’m going to love life along the way. 

Update: October 2, 2016

I really hope I get accepted into my MBA/MS program. When I entered college as a freshman for my Bachelor’s degree, I had very little assurance of what I wanted to do in life. I hardly even enjoyed the subject I was majoring in. I chose Philosophy going into college because my university didn’t have Theology. Around my late sophomore year, I decided I needed to switch into something more tangible and realistic. I knew I wanted to graduate within four years, so I had to look for a major that had synonymous class requirements with my current major. Eventually I ended up graduating a business major and that was that.

The difference with my MBA/MS program would be my opportunity to do things right. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, I know exactly what I want to study, and I know that I want to be outgoing and network. I want to enjoy my time and actually enjoy what I’m learning in class. I took a look at the course curriculum the other day and, for the first time, actually got excited about the topics that I would be learning about. I would have the opportunity not only to continue to better myself, but have the reassurance that what I’m learning is meaningful to me. 

I’ve always taken a stern look at what others thought about me, and used that to judge how I should direct my lifestyle. But I think I’m done with that. No more taking crap from people, and no more not doing what I want because I’m there only one who finds interest in it.

I’m just what you made, God. 

[engchris]

Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

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the saddest truth is knowing that love doesn’t always keep people around

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“I withdraw from people and places from time to time. I need space from a world that is filled with millions of mouths that talk too much, and never have anything to say.”

— Kaitlin Foster

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