englishpigdogs - Tumblr blog

[englishpigdogs]

Bad News: Our boss locked the keys inside the building.

Good News: We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.

Bad News: My boss finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute girls.

Good News: A cute girl saw me do it.

Bad News: It was Maggie, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.

[englishpigdogs]

Amazon Lime… it’s exactly like Amazon except everything you purchase is replaced with a lime

[englishpigdogs]

[englishpigdogs]

@amaianbabe

[englishpigdogs]

mom: honey, what would you like for your birthday?! :)

me:

mom: no silly!! i mean a REAL present!!! 

me:

[englishpigdogs]

[englishpigdogs]

@willow

[englishpigdogs]

[englishpigdogs]

me: types “titty” into google on an incognito window

the nsa: 

[englishpigdogs]

She was my friend! Not inmate Washington but my friend! 

[englishpigdogs]

“Addiction is tricky. For example: a man who quit smoking for 11 years spent 15 seconds in an elevator with a man smoking a cigarette. He gave in.

What I’m trying to say is I think I love you again.” —Unknown ‪

sculpture by David Altmejd

[englishpigdogs]

*goes from fine to actively suicidal in 30 seconds flat* 

[englishpigdogs]

[englishpigdogs]

Can someone calculate for me the volume of loch ness in liters so I can figure out how many humans you’d need to drink it

[englishpigdogs]

[englishpigdogs]

all this week has been “senior week” at my school only it has been unofficial and was completely orchestrated by the students without permission from administration and each day has had a theme so yesterday was “tourist tuesday” and every senior student dressed up in typical “tourist” outfits like hawaiian shirts and socks with sandals and fanny packs and sunglasses and all that and the administration thought it was funny until they started a “tour group” so the entire senior class didnt attend class at all and wandered the campus as a group with a “tour guide” pointing out and explaining random things to the entire group but it all went downhill when the tour group walked into a classroom and as the guide was giving the group a fake tour of the class one of the kids pointed to a widely hated teacher and asked the tour guide “what animal is that?” and thats the story of how my school issued 84 detentions in one day