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[enjoiethemuse]

April 25, 2023

Ahh the familiarity of resentment. 

It’s a sign. The moment I have that, I have to walk away.

My heart broke, unintentionally. 

But I don’t like the feeling because it’s there, it’s lingering. 

[enjoiethemuse]

March 26, 2023

I think i’m evolving again. I think I have to move away from these group of friends and just move on from them. 

[enjoiethemuse]

December 29, 2022

I was thinking about a few things people have told me. 

“take it from my experience”

I think i’m just going along with whatever it is. Are emotions connected, Idk, yes and no? Because i know deep down, it’s nothing, but also there’s that part where i’m just going through these motions of emotional relationship support, that obviously there’s some type of attachment. 

But i think i’ve been taking it just like how i’ve taken it throughout the whole year, take it for what it is. 

so as much as people say don’t fall deep into the ditch, and that i’ve already fallen. I’m just digging it at the moment. But i’m slowing down the process as of right now. 

[enjoiethemuse]

I don’t know really how to feel at the moment. 

The emotions i have are again a little bit confusing. 

Like, “here we go again” and I don’t want to go there again. 

I want certainty, not this looming question. 

I really do hate that I’ve “caught” feelings for her. 

It’s been the one very thing, I didn’t think I would catch. 

[enjoiethemuse]

December 22, 2022

I think it’s crazy to me how bold i’ve gotten these past few months. 

I’ll have to admit that probably my biggest mistake this year was going after someone that just was not the person for me. I did things i’m not proud of, and it really does eat me up. 

But the one thing i got out of it, was learning that there is a part of me that does believe I can be with someone and being bold has been what I’ve literally worked on, when it comes to letting a female know how I feel. Sort of.. still a work in progress. 

But recently, I ended up slightly catching feels for someone I did not expect to catch or want to catch, but it happened. 

Although our flirtatious banter has gone too far, where sometimes Idk if the whole “girlfriend” statements are true towards each other, it’s something i’m actually entertaining now forreal. 

Where i’ve had the courage to say “be my girlfriend” or “date me”. 

and the responses of “i am your girlfriend” is always a question mark for me. idk if it’s real or not, because of how much we joke around. 

maybe we’ll see how my heart feels as we spend more time together.

[enjoiethemuse]

November 9, 2022

A different me. 

I’ve come to this part of my life where I don’t really want to waste my time on people who aren’t on the same path or life I’m eager to learn more of. An evolution of compassion, respect, fun, intelligence, and love. 

There’s someone I’ve originally had the intention to be friends with and eventually a curiosity peaked my mind. Never intended to really play on it, but there was a moment where it presented itself. Let’s say that opened up a little bit of pandora’s box of courage. 

Now although it didn’t pan out the way I hoped, I did still think we could be friends. But then it started to feel like, maybe I was just someone to occupy this persons time while her and her girlfriend were on and off. Maybe I was just someone refreshing for her. She was refreshing to me too. 

But now, when all things have been said and done, it’s different. The communication stopped, the conversations were surface level. I don’t care for them any more. I have enough friends in my life I truly care about to bring another one into my life. It really does hurt to think that, because I had hoped that in this new chapter of my life, I would bring in 1 new friend to my world. 

Is it wrong of me not to want to text her back after weeks of honest no communication or reciprocation when asked about her day as well or how she’s doing? Does it only go as deep to only when she asks me things. 

I don’t need surface level friends. And my soul deserves something more genuine and sincere. 

Knowing what I want in life, makes me feel better as an adult. Does it hurt that I’m steering away from the usual, “it’s fine, and the I care still?” sure.  But I’ve learned it’s ok. If friendships were meant to be, nothing has to ever feel forced. 

This has begun to feel like I’m trying too much for someone who won’t be there in the future. She’s made it loud and clear and very apparent. No more time to waste. 

[enjoiethemuse]

July 2, 2022

Reconnecting with a purpose. 

I have to remind myself what i’m here for. I have to remind myself the purpose of my being and existence. I have to remind myself that I can and i’m able to love. I have to really stop self sabotaging or getting to that through process of running away from something that can be good. 

The past doesn’t define me and the past can’t dictate how I interact with people now. I really have to remind myself to give people a chance and to give love a shot. 

Where’s the girl I knew that would go for it? She’s there, she’s just scared to come out and she’s scared to feel hurt. 

But hey, girl, I believe in you. So l have to remind myself that. I believe in myself that all things are possible if I just start to let it just happen. 

The resistance doesn’t get you anywhere, and it sure won’t help me build the meaningful friendships and relationships if I only allow just a small portion of me to be seen. 

So remember girl, Re-connection and Alignment. You got this,. 

[enjoiethemuse]

June 1, 2022

i don’t want to go through this again. So I wont. 

[enjoiethemuse]

hey kid,

i promise I’ll be there for you. you‘re the only reason why I’m still here.

[enjoiethemuse]

Im starting to feel it again. That sadness that sits in my heart.

its coming from a part of me that feels like I’ve already given everything I can give to people and I’m drained.

I’m a giver, if my time, my energy, and my space. And all it has ever done for me, was dim a light… or moreso extinguish the lights In me.

I watch every word I say now, because idk if it’ll come off wrong or be perceived otherwise.

i Know I shouldn’t care but I do. Because people’s emotions are important to me and their being is important to me.

its a heavy load to take, but it’s in my nature to do so.

but I think I’m on empty. I don’t think I have the capacity anymore to really care or love anyone like I use to.

and here I am. Feeling so sad and empty.

all I ever cared for was to be a good person and to live a life of help. but this overwhelming of darkness just sits in me. the person I once knew in me, is now forever gone. lost from a sea of disappointment and pain and heartaches.

I never saw myself to be this person I am today. I saw much more of myself. Someone who was suppose to change the world, someone who was going to love whole heartedly, someone with the confidence to light up a room. Someone who will fight for everyone.

but instead, you have the quiet individual who hates the world And the people in it.

and my soul… doesn’t like that.

and I…. Don’t want to be that. A cold individual which I already am.

i really don’t know anymore why I’m living. The purpose I once had, seems so diluted. I have no one to be here for. Not even my own nephew… my sister doesn’t want me to be a part of it…

i love that kid. but idk if he’ll get to see me long enough.

I want to disappear… or forget everything. The good and the bad... I dont want to be here anymore.

im just here because people say so. But do they really mean it? Idk how much longer I can keep my mind in tact. But I really just want to give up. I’ll just do my best to find a way to live… day by day.

[enjoiethemuse]

Im sitting in my car while having a little panic attack. No big deal, I’ve managed to build up enough strength to Combat it.

man if they only knew how severe my condition was, maybe they’d understand that I wasn’t playing or asking for attention.

that I needed help, a lot.

i‘ll admit I worked to make sure it doesn’t completely cripple me. But its not easy, I use up maybe 75% of my energy to get through it.

I’ve never really been the same since and it’s hard for me to allow someone in my life in that most intimate way.

an arms length. Display an annoying side of me that no one cares about.

I look at that stupid tag that says “be the light in this dark world” and I feel like the dark consumed me. that the light turned off.

I do all these stupid events to just keep my life alive. But I don’t get the same feeling like I did before. Football fun but Im not attached. it’s something there. Work is just work, I have no passion. All these extra curricular stuff, it’s to keep me alive. hell, I’m staying alive for some people.

but I feel so dead inside. But people wouldn’t know that unless I opened up to them. anxiety is hitting me hard right now, so I’m talking my brain off with what I’m feeling after all I just want to disappear from the world.

it seems people lie when they say they need me here. say It and show me something else. I hate it. Use me for connections, use me for other things. Use up my generosity. to just lay in bed Or struggle when I need a hug.

[enjoiethemuse]

If you ask me if theres people I can talk to when things go down, I’ll answer yes. But if you ask me if I can confide in them, it’s a no.

it’s been years and I still haven’t been able to confide or trust people. I’ve payed attention more on how people talk and the actions following it that it doesn’t always give me comfort. I don’t feel safe is what I’m saying.

I’ve been feeling extremely depressed and to have no one to really trust or feel safe in talking to, feels rough. Like why should I tell someone I’m depressed, it doesn’t matter to them. and they won’t understand or get it anyway.

I blame her for all this resentment I have, I blame myself for allowing her in my life and not leaving the moment my trust shattered And every doubt lingered.

I blame her for everything else after. football’s never been the same and I blame myself for inviting her to play.

I don’t know how long I can keep pushing myself to live. I feel so defeated. I feel like life never really recoiled back.

and everything I’ve ever done, has now come with self doubt.

i hate you so much. i hate you for walking into my life and changing the good that was there. I hate you for completely dimming the only light I had for myself. And I hate that I loved you so much that i messed myself up.

[enjoiethemuse]

May 5, 2021

I don’t know what it is that i’m feeling this year. It’s a heavy mixture of chaos and peace. 

I’m hyper aware of myself, what i want, and everything. That’s the peace. 

the chaos is, fighting the things that block what i want. whether it’s trauma related or what. 

All i know is that, something in there has got to give, to let me keep moving. 

[enjoiethemuse]

Today. was the first time I came close to the feeling of hating this world. Where I just wanted to end my life.

despair in my heart sank in, where even going through the faces of people I care about, couldn‘t be enough to pull me out.

sadness. it lingers. the trust I have for any person feels so slim. Is there someone I can really rely on? without abandoning me in the dark?

idk but I feel shattered. And afraid of myself to not take copias amounts of pills with alcohol.

i‘ve been using all my energy to give me strength to not even do it. It’s hard. When it doesn’t seem theres anyone there.

idk What to do.

[enjoiethemuse]

October 30,2020

Hey You,

You know how some songs have a way of representing something in your life. Well the Bieb’s song Intentions is 2020 for me. When I hear it, it brings me some happiness and gratitude. 

It gives me a lot of hope and something to look forward to. 

I’m just grateful for the people i’ve met in my life thus far in 2019 and 2020. 

I’ve overcame my fear of playing football again. I’ve overcame my fear of myself. I want to keep it this way. 

i’ve moved out i’m living my best life. 

[enjoiethemuse]

December 31,2019

I’m going to be leaving a lot of things behind in 2019, and I’m okay with it. 

I’ve decided to finally leave INC. It was hard to decide what to do with my faith, I was so lost with it, and at times, I didn’t think I had much faith. I’m thankful for that short moment of my life, but i’m grateful for what I’ve gained from it. 

I’m leaving a lot of friendships in the past and mistakes. I’m moving forward with what life has in store for me. I can only make things better for myself, and that’s with me starting on a fresh start for 2020, with a new thought process, and determination I haven’t tapped yet. 

So 2019, thank you for everything you’ve taught me, the strength you’ve given me, and so much more. I’m so excited to begin this brand new chapter.

[enjoiethemuse]

December 28, 2019

I’m really great at running away from problems. Ever since I started doing that a few years ago, I feel like I’ve become an expert at it. It’s not a way to live by all means. In fact, it’s sad, and really shameful to do so. I guess that’s why it’s harder for me to move on in life. Because all the bad things I’ve done, is dragging me, like a ball and chain around my ankles. As much as I want to move forward and forget about my past and all the stupid mistakes I’ve made. It’s part of me, and it haunts me. My character before is not who I am now, or ever want to be. But does the notion, a person never changes, really pertain to that thought? I may have solidified that person to many people already. That I am a bad person, and to be quite honest, I don’t blame them. I hate myself from those years. And I want to apologize to all of them, who I’ve hurt, who I’ve ruined friendships, and just lost all trust. It’s scary to me to confront the ugly that was me a few years ago. That it really haunts me. I’ve began to really learn to move past them slowly and deal with the emotions that come with it. Although, the new ones... they take some time. It hits you like a thousand books coming at you. Sometimes I wonder if all the bad mistakes of my past, will surface where I lose all friends I’ve created now. It’s a gut wrenching feeling, that I sleep with. But it’s a bed I’ve made. I wish I could take back all those stupid mistakes, I wish I could take back all that I’ve done, but it is what it is, and life just tells me to deal with it. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to apologize, for now I’m just ashamed of it.