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Ray-Ban Sunglasses

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End of a decade of my existence on Tumblr.

Just wanna thank Tumblr for all the comforts through my angsty and emo days in growing up and embracing adulthood. Nothing like this have ever existed and nothing else will ever replace this little black (blue) box of random inspirations, thoughts and experiences.

I don’t think everyone has similar experiences in using Tumblr, but for me, I’ve met strangers whom I’ve no idea how they even look like, where they are from and what they do but established a connection just purely based on interests.

And on here, I’ve met a past lover and have spilled my deepest, truest feelings of my very little understanding of how life and they way the world works.

But alas, this place will always be a piece of memory (until the site goes down).

Sayonara.

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I woke up this morning with a heartache and swollen eyes.

Life has its ways of showing you what you’ve become and how to turn it around before you screw it up.

I love my fiancé. He is the best thing that has happened in my life. 

None of these events would’ve happened if he weren’t in my life.

The end of last year was amazing. I got proposed to, life was wonderful. But knowing my luck, things don’t always turn out the way its supposed to be.

The start of 2020 was harsh. Coronavirus arrived and brought fear in everyone’s minds. I got into a petty argument with someone on social media (a distant “friend”), and i lost my engagement ring.

I’m the most imperfect person I know. And I can say this because, I do see everyone as the perfect being that they are. Take my fiancé for example, he is so calm and understanding at a place where he shouldn’t be. I lost the engagement ring that he bought me and it had cost him a lot of money. And not to mention, the time and effort he took to find it. The idea of him getting disappointed when I break the news, killed me. It made me feel like the most flawed person in the world. How could I? How could I have lost something so precious and important to the both of us?

I cried the whole day. To total random strangers. The policemen, the security and cleaner at the building where i lost it, the cab driver, my dog. It was a whole lot of going back to “Where did i lose it? How did i lose it? Why haven’t i kept it properly? Why didn’t i notice earlier that it was missing?”

It was a painful and hefty experience but I figured out so many things.

That life isn’t unfair. It just is, life.

Nothing in this world is inherently yours. Whatever that is “yours”, can be taken away from you any minute. 

Jobs 1:21

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,    and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;    may the name of the Lord be praised.”

At this moment, my thoughts are, every minute that I’ve spent with the ring was enough. It was all I had. And it was enough. However short-lived it has been.

And if it’s fate that it makes its way back to me, again, somehow. I will hold it more dearly than ever before.

And that I know I’m truly loved beyond my flaws.

That’s enough.

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Ramblings at 3am on a Wednesday

My perspective on why I go to church. “Why you always go to church?” “You’re the kind of person that goes to church.” “I don’t think I’m the kind of person who can get used to a religion.” “Religions are for simple-minds”. Some of the things people say to me. Well that’s fine and all, after all, the religion has its own stigmas that are hard to debate.

But going to church is not so much a religion to me as it is a lifestyle choice. Treat it as going to gym. That’s a lifestyle choice. And to most, it’s definitely a good one. But with religion, everything becomes muddy.

I go to church because I can feel that doing so has changed me as a person. Someone closer to whom I want to actually be. It has made me reevaluate a lot of values in my life; putting gratefulness as a priority. Seeing every day more as it is than what it could’ve been that in turn made me a happier person. It has also made me consciously repurpose my thoughts and words to be as truthful as it can be. Because I know the outcome of that will always be peace. And better sleeps at night.

It has taught me that love should only be unconditional and that I deserve nothing less and give nothing less. That makes me strive to be kinder, more loving, gentler and non-judgemental towards others. And all that is always a work in progress, that I only hope to become more of by choosing it as a lifestyle.

But that’s the more tangible asset of the religion that I have chosen to be a part of. The intangible part; the spiritual purposes and the deeper understanding of faith and communication with God, keeps me alive* and deeply fulfilled that no one else ever could. And difficult to understand, some people may say it’s psychological even though that doesn’t necessarily explain the inherent beginnings of the whole idea and feelings that I experience.

And “religions are for simple-minds” is definitely not true. In fact, I think religion has to be the most complex creation in human civilisation that ever stood the longest test against time and prevailed** If you think World War II was complex, think something beyond 100x more. Sometimes I wish it was much simpler and straight-forward for minds like mine.

These are some of the best takeaways I can think of. And it’s not some lame attempt to convert anyone. Just to provide a better clearer understanding to why I go to church that’s all.

*renewed, heightened senses and awareness towards life **some religions more than others

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www.jeanphilippelebee.com

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Elisa Meliani by David Bellemere

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I am not bad at what I do but I am nowhere near to being how good I want to be and it’s killing me to be stuck in this limbo. 

7.12.17

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home

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Tsuruta ichirō 鶴田一郎 (1954 - ).

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27.5.17 - First

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Everyone told me the same thing; that everyday is a countdown to the moment you've finally been waiting for but it's going to be worth it—all of it.

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I always seem like I know what I want Cos I'm so afraid that if I don't Someone else will make what they want, what I want And that's not what I want

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Be extremely subtle even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponents fate.

 Sun Tzu (via aegrae-somnia)

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"Seven times? No. Seventy-seven times."