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it sucks being an American because people from other countries will make fun of you for liking burger and you will try to be like NO! I EAT OTHER FOOD TOO! but you can't get the words out because you're too busy salivating over the idea of burger

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Every line in this video is iconic

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for people who haven't been exposed to trader joes lentils for my wife guy, you're welcome

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as we all know, red dragons breathe right-channel audio, white dragons breathe left-channel audio, and yellow dragons breathe video.

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because sharks are smooth their skin reduces drag

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writing isnt even like a hobby to me anymore its just that theres images trapped in my head and if i dont get them out fast enough they start rotting in there and stinking up the place

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Person in my gas station talking to someone on the phone: ...We're in Ohio...

Me, knowing we're in Utah: ????

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houseplant type friend

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when in doubt about whether or not to make a thing, do it for your 3 hardcore fans.

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editing is so funny because it's like "damn, i wrote 'before' two times within three paragraphs. they are going to stone me in the town square for this"

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Mister Rogers

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You’re not depressed. You just need $250,000 in your bank account.