E BPD / depression / anxiety / ED& nobody is ever meant to find this
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i just feel miserable because everyone's warm and cosy and having fun on boxing day and i'm cold and alone and i hate it
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recurrent dreams of being sliced up into pieces lol how about i just do it myself
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i have this fantasy.
i drive my car far away, into a field or by the coast. my phone is off and no one knows where i am. i look at the stars and take as many handfuls of pills i can keep down. they find my body a few days later, but to me everything is quiet.
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i'm crying because i think i'll be one of those people who dies because of the shit going on in their head and the good people who loved me don't deserve that pain and disappointment
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just wanna cut myself into shreds because i'm a useless piece of shit who ruins everything
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sad things:
- the woman who whispered to me about another woman looking anorexic ... because i wasn't skinny enough for her to even consider that i might have an ED
- "you don't look anorexic or anything, you're the perfect weight"
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i always knew i was different, somehow. i was so young when i first thought, i think i feel differently from everyone else. i don't know why. i just know that sometimes i was euphoric and sometimes i was a red mist and other times i felt absolutely nothing at all. and they gave me all the excuses in the book. oh, it's hormones. they'll level out as you get older. oh, it's just a mood swing. you'll grow out of them. oh, you're nothing but a horrible spoilt little girl. get out of my sight. the last one hurt the most, by far. the others were just wrong, but that last one tore at me like nothing else could. i am a perfectionist, they say. i will do anything to please the people around me. god, i would hurt myself if it made other people pleased with me. and to be so overwhelmed by the fear of disappointing people that you're paralysed into a depression that makes you fail them anyway? that is a rut no one could have expected me to have dragged myself from alone. and the tears? the rage? the counting out pills? borderline. and yet sometimes i think, still. maybe you are just a disgusting spoilt little girl.
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06/08/17
i feel tired n like i ruin everything n like i'm tired of ruining everything
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26/07/17
anxiety and bpd are talking very loudly you're going to lose everyone you love ... they're probably planning how to cut you outta their life right now ... they've probably already found someone better than you ... you knew it would happen eventually, you piece of shit ... who could put up with you forever? you can cling all you like, but you can't change a thing ... god you're so desperate ... you think that's gonna encourage them to stay? they've already had enough of your shit and that's just making it worse ... jesus, if you weren't so cold and fucked up maybe you could actually be likeable for ten fucking minutes ... instead, just look at you ... fucking pathetic.
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