entropyunending
i didn't consent to the horrors being endless
🔪 \\ early 20s and fighting for my life \\ he/him or it/its
i'm not okay, and i'm not sure i ever really will be, but for now i am still here.
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wtf it's been three years since i've had my therapist and i've just gotten worse how the fuck lol. what kinda backwards bullshit is this.
#🔪#kind of i guess.#christ.#i'm tired lol.#idk exactly when my first session was#but the first day i started writing down notes was february 10 2021#which is in 2 days#fucking hell.#god i just want to be better.#i don't want to be miserable.#and i want to be //me//
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i really love how much i wanted last year to just be over, and now here comes this year, and my quality of life has just completely plummeted and january isn't even over yet lol
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"bad people don't worry about being bad people" yeah well good people don't allow themselves to keep doing the same shitty things and never try to fucking change
#🔪#i think i'm going to lose the most important person in my life because i hurt them#and yet i know it won't make a fucking difference#all it will do is be the final push off the edge.#i can't live without them. i really really can't.#losing them is actually going to kill me.#but i don't have the ability to be a better person.#i'm too much of a fucking coward.
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get in bitches, we're surviving rock bottom no matter how much further we dig. one day we'll put down the shovel and climb out of this for good. we have to. as long as we're still alive there is hope.
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finally responded after having a moment with my laptop becoming completely unresponsive to the point of needing to do a forced restart and hence losing the message i'd written out so i had to rewrite the message (but shorter because i'm fucking exhausted) and then proceeded to immediately run away again because i'm afraid of the response
#i'm not even gonna tag this one because idk if it's a vent or not#but. at least i actually responded#i communicated#i said what was going on and i apologized for my shitty behavior#that's something at least?
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when you want to actually communicate but the person you need to communicate with is online and you're not brave enough to hit enter on the message you have written out while they're visibly online so you're just sitting there like "please go back offline please go back offline PLEASE go back offline"
#not vent#kind of i guess.#like i know regardless of whether they're online or off they'll inevitably see it and reply#that's kind of the point#but i am a ✨coward✨#and even if they literally immediately come back online after i send it#i just. i can't.#please i need baby steps for this you gotta go back offline#i was right on the verge of hitting enter and then you came back on#pleeeease go back offline
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Something that was crucial to me being able to foster healthy relationships (platonic and romantic) was learning those around me aren’t mind readers.
Communicating honestly and effectively can allow people to be there for you. It can also allow you to work out conflicts in order to maintain long term relationships.
It might seem “wrong” to ask for your needs to be met. But it isn’t. In fact, usually our loved ones prefer us to be up front with our needs rather than hinting at them. (Hinting is exhausting for both parties and easily missed.)
Communicate your boundaries. “When you tease me about —-, it really upsets me. Please don’t do that anymore.”
Communicate what is working for you. “When you reach out to check in when I’m having a hard time, it really helps and makes me feel supported.”
Communicate what you need. “Things are really hard right now. I could use the company of a friend. Can I call you?”
A lack of communication can lead to relationships breaking. Resentment builds. Misunderstandings happen. Feelings get hurt.
If you don’t tell your loved ones what you need, then it’s unfair to us and them to be upset at them for not reading your mind.
You are allowed to have needs and wants. And you are allowed to express them.
#reminder to self#i just wish i could learn how to not be so terrified to communicate#it's debilitating.
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they finally checked in yesterday. kind of, at least. they still didn't ask if i'm okay, but they asked to give them a sign if i'm still around.
#🔪#they also said they're starting to get a little worried#which i can't help but feel upset about.#only just starting to?#after almost a week and a half of me vanishing after i was obviously having suicidal thoughts?#i wish it didn't make me upset#because they probably worded it that way because they didn't want to just completely panic on me#and they're probably a lot more worried than they're saying they are#not that my brain will really accept that.#i still need to respond#but i'm just. i'm so fucking exhausted.#i'm so tired.#but i can't keep avoiding this either#i said i would talk once they actually checked in/showed worry over my disappearance#they finally did. so i need to respond.#i can't keep putting it off.#i can't just keep avoiding it until i get the ''right'' response.#what i'm doing is really really shitty#it's not fair to them.#it's not fair to pretend that i'm dead just to see if they really care#it's not fair to avoid them just because i'm too much of a coward to communicate
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they sent me a tiktok. they still haven't asked if i'm okay or shown any hint of concern or worry. i don't think i'm going to bother watching it. it just feels like an empty gesture.
#🔪#it's not that i WANT to worry them.#but it would be nice if they would show even the slightest bit of concern for me.#i'm tired.#and i just want to feel like the most important person in my fucking life actually gives a shit about me.
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they finally said something. but it was literally just "hey". they didn't ask if i was okay. just. hey.
i don't even know how to respond. how am i supposed to respond to that? i know i need to communicate but i don't have a fucking clue how i'm supposed to do that
how am i supposed to tell them that, hey, it's kinda fucked up that after i had a severe spiral and heavily implied that i'm suicidal, along with the last thing i said being "i don't want to do this anymore", you did not bother to say anything until a fucking week later. and not even a worried asking if i'm okay because i haven't said anything and i haven't been active on tumblr either. no. just a "hey".
how am i supposed to say that in a way that's not upsetting? that isn't accusatory or passive aggressive? i don't want to be mean or upset them. i don't want to feel like i'm trying to guilt trip them.
#🔪#i don't know what to do#i promised them i would never run away again#and i don't want to#but i just. i don't know what to say.#i don't know how to do this.#is it shitty of me to miss when they were really clingy and would check in very worried after just three days of no communication?#i miss the amount of time they used to spend with me#the amount of time they used to make for our friendship#i miss the days where it was obvious they cared for me deeply#that i was a high priority for them#someone they couldn't live without#now it feels like they would be completely fine without me#but it would actually kill me to be without them.#god.#i think i'm just going to try to wait it out a little longer.#see if they even will ask if i'm okay#i don't know how long i'll wait it out#but i just. i don't know what else to do.#i'm too terrified to lose them so i'm too terrified to actually communicate#even though i know that's destructive to our relationship#but i'm too afraid of making them upset or angry with me
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your son's mental state is so so perfectly normal (lying)
"my son is fine" your son has been listening to flight of the crows by jhariah on repeat for the past 40 minutes.
#not vent#i'm feeling these lyrics so so much rn lol#<- very suicidal and slowly losing every part of who he used to be due to debilitating depression and crashing self confidence#but not wanting to cause any pain for others despite not believing anyone truly cares or would miss me all that much#and just wanting a normal happy life where i'm a normal happy person who isn't so fucked in the head for no reason#yeah.
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"my son is fine" your son has been listening to flight of the crows by jhariah on repeat for the past 40 minutes.
#not vent#jhariah#i can have silly little joke posts on my vent blog as a treat right#i mean not really a joke because i have indeed been listening to flight of the crows for the past 40 minutes#and also the content of the song is not hehe funny silly#but you know what i mean
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god i really am alone aren't i?
the only person i have trusted enough to tell at least somewhat how i've been feeling.
and they won't even check back in with me to make sure i'm okay after acting obviously suicidal.
#🔪#is it unfair of me to think that they should have checked in by now?#is it unfair to think that i shouldn't have to ask them to check in after something like that?#i guess they just aren't worried.#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to trust them with this again.#it doesn't feel unreasonable to think that after acting obviously suicidal#that they should check back in with me pretty quickly to make sure i'm okay after vanishing like i did#it doesn't feel fair that i (the extremely suicidal one) should have to reach out just to ask them to fucking check in on me#like i already know i'm an extremely low priority for them#at least it feels that way#but god.#i hoped that. maybe them seeing me like this would finally make them try to reach out and talk more.#but it didn't.#it very clearly didn't make a damn difference.
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"i never want you to feel alone"
that's great but that doesn't really mean much when you make little to no effort to even try to reach out and check on me. when you rarely even try to start a conversation. when you're never really there when i want to have a conversation.
#🔪#i'm not wrong for being upset about this am i?#i just.#i know i don't exactly communicate#but they know i've been doing awful#and they now know almost the full extent of it which is why they said this#and yet they sure aren't even trying to make sure i don't feel alone#how am i supposed to not feel alone when you almost never reach out#when you almost never just ask how i'm doing or if i'm okay#i don't know. maybe i am in the wrong for it#i probably am#they have so many more important things to do i guess i can't really blame them for not wasting their time on me#it doesn't make it hurt any less though.#i think i just wish they would either just fully give up on me and leave#or actually put their money where their mouth is and really show me that they do still love me and care about me#because they sure fucking say that a lot but they never prove it.#they don't reach out to see if i'm okay#they barely even reach out just to fucking talk#they barely tell me what's going on in their life#they make attempts to comfort me if i ask for it#but they don't ever check in.#when i asked this last time i said i needed some reasons to live.#very strongly implying that i was suicidal#and i said that this is not a new development. that i have felt this way almost all year but just never let anyone know about it#the last thing i said to them was that i didn't want to do this anymore#that was five days ago. they have not checked in at all#despite saying they were terrified because they'd never seen me that bad before#idk maybe i'm just overly anxious#but if a friend did this to me i'd be checking in with the by the next day at the latest if they hadn't said anything#because that's a really worrying thing to say and then go completely radio silent
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oh god i can't do this. i can't fucking do this. i t doesn't get better and there isnt' any fuckign escape. it all just gets worse and worse and worse and i cannot fucking do this
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babygirl that is not the accomplishment you think it is
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i think my primary issue is that i just. i simply don't want to try. i don't have the energy to try or even want to. i want to feel better, but i don't have the willpower to make the effort. i have no hope and that just makes even wanting to try even harder. it only will make my fears come true. i know i am actively dooming myself but i am too much of a coward and i am too tired to do anything about it. i think i'm just another hopeless lost cause who is paving the way to his own destruction.
#🔪#and i don't think there's really anything i can do to change it#i'm stuck in this perpetual cycle of self-destruction#and even though i want to be better and i hate being so miserable and hopeless#i'm still actively choosing to stay in that cycle because i don't have the energy to try#i don't have any hope anymore#and i can't leave this cycle without the hope that there is a future for me#that there is happiness for me#and i do not have that hope.#i don't believe it exists.#therefore the cycle continues#and the road only gets darker#i don't know how much time i have left before it finally kills me#and that thought terrifies me.#but it's the inevitable end to the story#and i don't have the tools to rewrite it.
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