These are the lost words and missed conversations. My ramblings and my inner demons, hopes and dreams. These are my letters to my past, present and future self.
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Time
Saturday, 05 August 2017
Of course I know absolutely nothing about spacetime and ponder how it works. Is time a force or matter-based? Is it moving? Or how is it like in the parallel universe? Is time truly linear like how we perceive it or is it a mere illusion?
You know, time dragged when I was a kid and suddenly I’m in my 20's. Crazy. When I was 15 I’d come out of my room at three in the morning when everyone’s sleeping only to check what’s in the fridge. I skipped my breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday for three weeks because I didn’t want to see my parents. I thought it was cool to hate them for some selfish reasons. In a more rational moment, I believe that my behaviour was just teenage rebellion. The hatred gradually ceased and I appreciate them more everyday as I grow older.
When I was 17, I’d take myself out to this rooftop on a Saturday. The setting was nearly idyllic. Instant noodles over self-destruction. I'd be listening to I Don’t Love You by MCR while blankly staring at the people shuffling off to the mosque. I’d be writing my heart out in the diary for that I always found it hard to vocalize my feelings. Months later I found out one my siblings got nosey and secretly read my diary. I stopped writing ever since.
When I was 20, I’d drive off to some local gigs. Sometimes I’d just take pictures and the other times I’d let the noise and the thoughts drown in stupidly loud music.
I’m 22 this year. I lay on my bed in the witching hour daily, try not to value my life as tiny as microbe and reassure myself in the most unenthusiastic way that every ounce of time living is worth it.
It takes a long time to finally find a reason to keep on living. I have fallen hard on somebody who perfectly meets my arbitrary subjective standard. Timing is strange. Strange is an understatement but I couldn't find a more suitable word to have it substituted. Are we met on a right time? Do I not have to struggle until one day the universe will deliver me someone on the right time? On what basis does one measure the right time? How right is right? I don’t know.
Perhaps I just need an excuse to live. It somehow lengthened my lifespan albeit momentarily. Love. That one thing that transcends time.
Day and night, months and years. Is it an illusion? An illusion that mankind initiate to keep the mind from living in abundance.
“...a stubbornly persistent illusion.” Einstein’s call on time.
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Summer ting pt. II // May 2017, Damai Beach Resort, Sarawak.
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Impervious
Saturday, 27 May 2017
Hospitals and doctors go hand in hand like friend and foe, tied to me for reasons. I presumably was a slave to melancholia. Stupefied and incapacitated, a parasite of all kinds, put together into the spirit of mine with no hope of continuing my life.
I have gone through months wishing that nature would quit serving me the people who are perpetually intimidated and bitter about how boring their lives are that they feel the need to take digs at others. There were times that I really miss some people but it is so-called game over. I have swallowed the fact that how the memories created is merely that period of time. Some people aren’t meant to be in my life or I am not meant to be in theirs.
On another hand, my sister got ahold of me after one year of quarrel. Unforeseeably offered to pay me a round trip airfares to Bandung, and also Kashmir, India on Christmas (only if I’ve done with my final year project). I conferred with my doctor concerning that and she thought that that’s a brilliant way to bury the hatchet. However, I cannot seem to gather up some balls for an apology still but I really am sorry.
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Thursday, 02 March 2017
There were lots of good shit happening in the past few weeks. Short catch ups, Kak Eya came to visit, travelled to this one underrated beach in Borneo named Sematan and more to put into words. I'd love to elaborate on these points but it is 52 minutes after four in the a.m., which means it's passed my sleeping hour despite of the irregular bedtimes.
Anyways, I can't remember what it's like to fall asleep naturally without taking them pills. Nothing ever drives me nuts more than not being able to sleep and left with my thoughts. I've literally been sitting in my room the last couple of days being awfully moody for no apparent reason and cinématic listening to some sad songs on a loop so I had to convince myself to call my parents if that'd help me snap outta it. And I did!! And that helped!!!
P/s: how the hell it's already March?!? *screams inaudibly*
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Untitled #1
Tuesday, 07 February 2017
Hi friends,
I still haven’t sunk in how time flies. Last year went by absurdly fast and I can already tell 2017’s gonna quadruple the speed as we’re now in the second month of the year. My apology for stating the obvious but I kind of feel like I just blinked and *boom!* January ended.
So earlier today as I was listening to Space Song by Beach House, the data of the moment my friends and I went to Genting Highlands to celebrate New Year’s Eve conjured up. Well, I’m always certain that some songs slash odours evoke some forgotten memories so I guess that was it. Now that the dawn is breaking, I’m witnessing the moment when the sun can kiss the moon. It makes me feel infinite.
There’s a space in time where I notice the error in my intent and I try to make sense of things. I’m trying to stop reading patterns into negative experiences. I’m trying to stop creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m trying to not award myself a tragic narrative arc and I’m trying to make peace with myself.
To the Lords of heavens, please please let this year be a lighter walk.
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Chapter Twelve
Sunday, 11 December 2016
I have realized that my journey this year is almost coming to an end. December, so far, has been nothing but full of shite, making me want to have this chapter immediately closed, ended, or better yet, tossed into the Pacific Ocean.
While I’m sad over what has happened in this chapter, I’m truly glad I do not have to keep my feelings bottled up anymore. I’m glad I poured it all out despite being a little asshole-ish, and getting myself smacked for that. I’m glad I quit uni. I’m glad someone’s plans to ruin me blew up in their face.
Quite frankly, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders.
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A Sleepless Night
Sunday, 04 December 2016
The monsoon season has begun here in Malaysia. It occurs to me that Dr. M's ‘Malays are lazy’ remark can be possibly true because of the following reasons:
1) Malays are undeniably lazy.
2) I shamelessly slept through the entire day doing nothing since the weather was perfect to sleep in. In another word, being lazy.
Why does such a remark cause a stir among Malaysians? Disagreement? C’mon guys, it’s true! Flattering (not) aside, you cannot expect a positive stereotype like ‘Asian students excel academically’ or ‘Africans are athletic’ if you *coughs* sleep all day, no?
“But not all....” Yea OK Captain Obvious, even a 7-year-old knows that.
Anyway, my biological clock was so screwed in correspondence to reason #2 and this leads to the part where I had to pull an all-nighter. Pulling all-nighters when you have nothing to do can be disastrous as much as developing insomnia. In a more pseudo-magical context, when you can't sleep at night, that means you are in someone's dream. A total bullshit. It doesn’t hold up to any scientific scrutiny at all but it’s a beautiful superstition.
Getting back to the tangent, I terfikir la pasal something silly during my stay up. I feel like sometimes it’s hard that you have to istighfar when deep inside you want to utter babi so much OR when you have to pretend that there is nothing going on and let shits slide because you will be reminded of how much you are terhutang budi to the people that you’re having a beef with.
You know how they said, “patience is a virtue”. Cliché. Being patient means you have to feel the need to cut out the outburst of profanity, cope with more shittyness, more pettyness and the list goes on. Those are the things that eat up your bar. Just do what you gotta do. If you want to walk away, then walk away. If you wanna cuss, then do it. Hey babi is psychologically stronger tbh!!! If you set up a parameter, then cool and if you wanna keep being patient, then it’s cool too.
I can’t see where is this post heading. I’m not interested in pointlessness and I classify this post as pointless. Definitely ending it.
Laters.
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vimeo
Watch the video I made awhile ago but always forgot to post.
#drghy#toko kilat#oh chentaku#alleycats#hujan#oag#the changcuters#kyoto protocol#force vomit#pitahati#butterfingers#rockawayfest2016#malaysia
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Rockaway Festival
Thursday, 01 December 2016
I woke up this morning recalling all the moments when attending Rockaway days ago. The festival was lit! Gosh... lit. The word ‘lit’ is like a representation of everything I detest unless it is used to have you lit on fire for using it, then I’m OK with the usage. Kidding! It was lit.
It’s incredible what good vibes can bring you. What such vibes can bring me! It felt as though I just came out of the hyperbolic time chamber particularly when I got to: 1) sing along to the songs I’ve loved with all my guts. 2) Discover new songs. 3) Catch up with some high school best friends, Kasya and Mera; lepak dengan a bunch of new people, Faris and his stoned-looking friend, Ilya; as well as my best friend, Yeye, who was unfortunately working at the Hotlink booth at the festival.
My failure to notify my parents where I was heading over to had my parents’ inquisitiveness gone wrong. In all seriousness, my dad went to the extent to think I was taking part in the Bersih 5.0 rally. Perhaps this was on account of the fact that I used to ask for his permission on going to such a rally once but it was a permission declined. My dad does not have any kind of stigma towards Bersih. It’s just how hooliganistic some parties can be; that what made him fret about. The limits and boundaries he puts on me tell me that he is concern about what I do or don't do, and I respect his wishes. However, my baby brother told me that my dad has actually found out the truth and is cool with it. He rocks!
On another note, I have recovered from every soreness that I got at Rockaway. Body pain, sore neck, you name it. 12 hours of standing, walking, jumping and headbanging tapi tu semua worth it. I’m starting to miss how loud the musics were and how intense the bass was that I could feel every fiber of my being vibrate. It’s unparalleled to anything else in this life. You know.. local acts are just as amazing as international ones. Y’all just gotta make it there and support!
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#1
Hey, I’m back on here again! It’s sad that I can no longer access my tumblr blog of six years as it was registered under my old email address and I forgot the password. Not that I wrote anything there though lol.
So here’s a new one. Little snippets of my life, scattering thoughts of mine are going to be documented here. I don't actually know what to write. I'm just going to give it a whirl.
Oh and I film sometimes!
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