ericislonely

[ericislonely]

i should have dies, i should have killed myself years ago and not have to endure this pain, this shame of not being enough, of not being good at anything, im useless, thats why im alone, thats why everyone hates me.

[ericislonely]

im a failure

[ericislonely]

im so lonely that i rip my skin to feel warmth, even if it is of my own blood.

[ericislonely]

i hate how much i need alcohol to feel something, or nothing.

[ericislonely]

im tired of begging for love. but, please, please, please, i cant take it anymore.

i will die if i dont feel warmth.

[ericislonely]

i was right all along, you only care when you need me.

at the end i am alone, and i shouldnt have let myself get too close.

i dont care anymore, i dont text first or search for you in the crowded room.

you dont care and thats okay, i should have listened to my younger self and not wasted night of comfort and love in you.

[ericislonely]

my head hurts so bad, i want to sleep forever.

[ericislonely]

i often wonder when did i became so tired.

[ericislonely]

will someone read this when i die? will i be remembered for always being sad?

[ericislonely]

how do i know if this is real??

[ericislonely]

he only loves me when he has to,

when theres something he wants to take.

he only wants me when he needs to,

when i dont have anymore to give,

will he leave me?

(again, and again)

[ericislonely]

i wish i was brave enough to killmyself 5 years ago.

[ericislonely]

i wish i was built with passion, every part of me is broken, ugly, unworthy.

i wish i was created, crafted, molded, like the rest of the humans, so pretty and perfect, i wish i was like them, with dimples, beautiful hair, legs strong to spin, hands gifted to paint, voices that change minds, eyes that see beyond the stars, feet that run for miles, and arms that hug even in tears.

i see beauty in every human, in every person, so i doubt if i am human myself because i dont see anything pretty in me.

i can kneel and beg for an answer, my creator doesnt respond, i wonder if the god that made me feels ashamed of me, i wonder if they didnt made me with love, i wonder if they did and now is sad because i dont like what they made. and for that i say 'im sorry'.

im sorry for being blinded by the words others said or did not say, i apologize to myself and to them for i was hurt and i was broken, i believe i would think i am perfect if i was a stranger and saw myself in the streets, but im not, im me in flesh, bones and thought.

i wish i could see who i truly am and not the labels i was pushed into.

i also wish, hope and pray for everyone to realize they are perfect just the way they are, with their insecurities and flaws.

i believe, i know, i comprehend, everyone is fine, pretty, talented, kind, worthy, lovable.

i just dont see myself in the "everyone".

if i could talk to my maker ill ask them if they are disapointed, i wonder what will they say, i wonder if they can fix me, fix my eyes, my heart, mind and soul, clean my everything from all the dirt and evil i have acumulated over the years, kiss my soul and make me pretty again.

in death it will not matter, for i will talk to them myself, and as my body is laid on the bare ground, the worms feeding of my corpse, trees blooming of me. when i become nothing but bones ill think im beautiful, when the birds rest in the branches, and the people stomp above me.

when the ashes become ashes and the energy transforms.

when i speak to the gods themselves and i apologize for i didnt knew what to do with the gift of life because it was stained with hatred and shame. i know ill be fine, because there will not be such thing as wrong or right, ugly or pretty. ill just be, and they'll let me be.

and ill feel everything. and i wont have to cry because im not like my sisters, or because my parents dont like me. i wont cry because i dont feel worthy, because nobody likes me, im always alone and everyone ignores me.

i wont cry anymore or maybe ill do one last time, because its over.

and everyone loves people thats gone.