erstwhles

[erstwhles]

Liam knows more about Kit's time in Ottawa than he is willing to admit here. Of course he kept track of the headlines and the interviews that came away from the team. He also checked Ottawa's social media accounts more regularly than anyone knows. He wanted to check Kit's, too, but that meant risking seeing his ex moving on, flourishing in a new city with new people and a new team. While Liam has always wanted the best for him, he never wanted a front row seat to watch it happen.

A shiver runs up his back as Kit traces a line on his palm. "Definitely keep the radishes away, then. Can't lose you right before Toronto gets you back." Before Liam gets him back. "Yeah? I'm sorry. That's... sounds like it's still a lot." His smile is equally apologetic as he squeezes Kit's hand. Especially given how long it has been since they last had a serious conversation, Liam isn't sure how much is okay to say. Instead, "She's good. Still busy. Still in Minnesota. Still... asks about you," he says. "She's going to be jealous when I tell her I ran into you. I've... had to talk her out of calling you a couple of times, actually, but good luck when she hears you're back for good."

"I missed me, too." He quietly said as he looked over at Liam, wondering if his ex understood the complexity of that statement. He'd been missing the best part of himself, his usual pocket of happiness just a little more dim. It was back now, the big blinding smile, all because he had Liam back in his life. Kit sincerely hoped that this tryout would go well enough to make Liam's presence a permanent fixture in his life again.

When Liam didn't pull his hand away, Kit brushed his thumb against the familiar length of Liam's life line as he listened and then spoke. "I genuinely think I'm allergic to them but they also tasted so horrible that I think I'd say I was allergic just to avoid them for eternity." His brown eyes went a little sad. "They still make it to the first home game of the season." The softness to his voice made it obvious that nothing had changed, they didn't come out to other games and held the same excuses they had his whole life; too far, schedules too busy, too difficult to keep track of the schedule. "I thought maybe getting to the playoffs would be different..." Clearing his throat, he shrugged. "How's mom?" The way Kit said 'mom' was with a familiar lightness that one would speak of their own mother and it was obvious he'd missed her more than his own.

[erstwhles]

"What discussion?" He repeats, scoffing. "You're fucking kidding me? I ask if you want this, if you're happy with me. You can't give me a straight answer, but you want to know what my problem is?" By now, he is past the anger of the conversation with their friends, past the annoyance of her bringing up his familial obligations. Even the fear of losing the most stable relationship he has ever known is nearly overshadowed by the hurt brought on by the whole evening.

It's a feeling that isn't helped at all by her suggestion. For the second time tonight, his brows lift in disbelief. "A break?" The last of his mask slips, and he is surprised by the sudden overwhelming urge to talk himself out of the corner he feels trapped in now. "You want to talk about this later?" He seems unable to say much beyond repeating what she has already stated, but the disbelief is clear in his voice. "Yeah. You know what? Whatever. Let's talk about this later. Let's take a break. Fuck this." He scoffs and raises a hand to run his fingers through his hair. "Enjoy the rest of the fucking party."

She can feel her heart beating in her throat, and even her thin summer dress feels too hot. She knows exactly what he means, but she can barely believe that he seems willing to bring this out into the open, between the two of them - to take the risk of talking about it and then having the chips fall where they may. Seeing him standing there, stepping back from her and looking at her like that, she almost even feels bad for him.

And then he speaks again, accuses her again, and she scoffs before she can stop herself. "Kason, please," she starts to plead, annoyed and tired and absolutely unwilling to get to the root of the issue. She's too stubborn for that, and she doesn't realize it but the fear of losing him crept in suddenly and without warning, but it almost paralyzes her and all she can do is shake her head.

"What discussion?" she asks, hoping and praying that he won't answer. "Just – we need a break," she adds, and even though she means a break from this fight, from this moment, the second meaning of what she says isn't lost on her, and the fear that he'll take it the wrong way has her glancing up at him with cautious eyes. "I mean," she speaks softly, and she breathes out before she speaks again. "Can we talk about this later?"

[erstwhles]

Her heart seems to speed up before stopping altogether at the look on Noah's face. There were so many reasons not to say anything, but the uncertainty between them now was at the top of the list. What if this is it?

"I... It's hard to explain. It just kind of... happened, and I was still figuring it out, but then it was you and my brother... And you both kept talking about each other, and that made it harder to think about, and then I couldn't... I didn't want to tell you at all." A long, rambling way of saying that she doesn't really know where her feelings stand, but Liliana is sure about one thing. "Of course it's not about that. I want you to be happy." She is a little hurt that Noah would ask if her feelings are situational, brought on by not wanting to see her friend in a successful relationship or to share her company. "I know it's complicated, and I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. I... I'm sorry, Noah."

liliana might have feelings for her. this feels like the plot-twist of the century for noah. they’ve always been undeniably close and it’s always her best friend that she wants to talk to at the end of the day. to share anything with; good or bad. she’s always thought that was something that was shared in how they feel about one another but this feels colossal. huge. she doesn’t actually know what to do with the honesty and can only stare as she lapses into a long, tense silence.

“actual feelings or… feelings because i’m with someone else?” noah knows it sounds like the same thing but she has to know if this is just prompted by jealousy. if liliana has ever thought of her as an option until now. “this isn’t a wanting what you can’t have situation, is it?” she hopes that doesn’t sound rude or mean but it’s the only reason she can think of for this sudden change of heart.

[erstwhles]

Every brush of his fingers against her skin seems to draw her closer. Her breathing is more shallow until finally she manages to break eye contact as his lips brush her knuckles.

"You think so?" She scoffs, grateful for the brief distraction before he asks his next question.

She knows she's been the one trying to get more information from him, but in her defense, he isn't the easiest person to read. Comparatively, she knows he has the upper hand. "I guess I wouldn't say no to seeing you earlier. Speaking of that, I... might be back for work in the fall, actually. The job starts in about a month, but I haven't said yes or no yet."

A low, almost laugh leaves him at the way she changes her mind. But, his mood is unchanged hearing her yet. Her following leading question has a flash of a smile appear as his hand brushing through her hair moves to gently caress her arm and bring her hand to lips. His dark eyes never leaving her's as he places a lingering kiss over her knuckles.

"I think so."

Another leading question, but he doesn't mind as he reads between the line of her words.

"Then I will take you out again, when you are back. Unless... you want to see me before?"

[erstwhles]

Joshua claps his hands as the crowd thins and finally, it is just the two of them standing amidst the mess. When he turns to look at her, he wears the same pleased smile, and though he can think of plenty to say, arguing with her when she's drunk is worse than trying to make her see reason when she is sober.

"Now? I'll sleep really great, thank you for asking. The better question is how do you wake up in the morning when this is how you'd rather spend every night?" He doesn't expect a real answer considering her current state, but her next comment earns a scoff. "Any sick feeling you have has nothing to do with me and everything to do with however many drinks you've had tonight." Joshua lifts one arm and gestures to the empty cups currently scattered throughout the living room, but before he can further prove that point, Camille is rushing toward the backyard.

A grimace sits on his expression as he watches her run with the coordination and panic of someone who spent the night drinking and now has to manage the consequences. He should leave now and let her deal with the aftermath on her own, but there is no debate as he follows her into the yard. On the way out, he grabs a dishtowel from the counter in the kitchen, slinging it over his shoulder and keeping his distance until she is at least still again. "I told you." He steps to the side and keeps his eyes on her face. "Here. Sit." There is a little bit of empathy in his tone this time, but his frown hasn't gone anywhere. Joshua reaches one hand out as he nods to one of the lounge chairs on the patio.

Camille wasn't really used to men like Joshua. She had a pretty face that usually helped her getting everything she wanted. This one didn't seem to fall for her tricks and it was exhausting. Constantly arguing, discussing - and losing every single time. Not that it made her behave more, on the contrary: it only made her do more, fight him more. The girl's mouth opened but only a soft hiccup left her throat. And by the time she did want to speak up, he was making his way to the people.

Eyes narrowed and she moved up to him, hands coming to rest on her hips and she exhaled loudly. "You're really listening to him?" Brows shot up as the crowd started leaving the place one by one and she scoffed, head shaking several times. "Fucking pathetic. Like he could handle all of you." By now she was just mumbling in a quiet, empty living room, the drunken talks of people outside slowly but surely fading in the dark, leaving Joshua and Camille alone. With a soft sigh, she turned to look over at Joshua, groaning at the warmth of nausea that rushed through her small body. "How do you sleep at night? You don't let people have fun. You know," hiccup "You make me sick." Of course it was him and not the ungodly amount of mixed drinks she downed in under a few hours. Pointing fingers rubbed her temples and she closed her eyes, only raising up a hand to him as if to excuse herself, and she rushed through the backdoors to vomit in the grass.

[erstwhles]

"I can admit that my brother is a bad influence, but I can also admit that may make me... easily swayed." Take this dance now, for example. Henrik does not make it a habit to let many people into his inner circle, but those who do earn his unwavering loyalty. The flashes of cameras following every step of their dance are worth it since Sakura is the one who asked for his hand.

Still, as much as he would do anything for the people he loves, Henrik also can't completely ignore his growing discomfort at the current situation. Her words are appreciated, grounding as they step to the rhythm, a welcome distraction. "How thoughtful," he muses, the beginnings of a smile breaking through his expression. "I can't think of anything more I could ask for. I think the sign of a good party is how well it lasts without the hosts in attendance, anyway. This may be as good a time as any to put that to the test." Henrik nods, letting another few beats flow before he continues, "Though, you could also say that my request to call an early evening is more involved than your offer to dance. I believe that means I still owe you."

The quiet, steady way of his is easy to be around. She had heard a lot of his character, that many had found him cold and aloof but seeing the subtle cues in his reactions that betray his real feelings show her there is more he feels than people realize. More than they could understand. Especially when it comes to his brother.

"And what would you be? If your brother is a bad influence?"

While her attention is entirely on him, she watches as he spins them away from whispers and camera flashes. His fingers against her hand and back pressing ever so slightly more into her skin each time one of those distractions reaches them. She might never get used to the constant attention, but she has gotten to a point of being able to tune it all out most of the time. Giving him a reassuring smile, she takes a step closer to him.

"Just focus on me, the song isn't done yet."

His words could be taken as a rejection, but she knew him a little better than that. Thinking about it and staying in the music- she keeps her voice low.

"Since you were nice enough to humor me, I'll let you choose. We can say something came up. Hide up in library and have food brought up. "

[erstwhles]

LOVE, VICTOR (2020-) Season 1, Episode 7 - “Creekwood Nights”

[erstwhles]

[erstwhles]

His brow is lifted in question as he glances in her direction, but Liam knows more than to expect an in-depth answer from her. "Positive." It doesn't feel like the right time to mention that the only reason he came was because he knew Knight was going to be here. Since his breakup with Cassie, Liam isn't quite sure where he fits in with their friend group, but he knows where he stands with Knight. Or at least he did before their last conversation.

"Well," he says, sighing as his focus shifts to the fans who are already in line. "Ready?"

"are you sure? I kinda figured you'd want to stay." Because Cassie would be there. She had her time to think and while her feeling haven't changed, Liam and Cassie deserved to be happy even if she had to step back.

knight looked out to the venue, she was surprised to already see fans had lined up for the concert. she could already tell she would be socially drained by the end of this.

[erstwhles]

Conversations between Miyako and Liam typically move faster than Callum is able to keep up with, but for once, that isn't the reason it takes him longer to process the invitation. Eventually, his nerves do begin to dissipate, but by then it feels too late to go back. Plus, then Miyako is kissing his cheek and now that he thinks about it, it has been a while since they last took a trip together.

"You don't have to do that, but... since you're offering, I won't discourage it. Thank you," Liam says. "Oh, a whole guest list, hm? I'll have to start thinking, I guess." His laughter is short-lived, smile slowly shifting into something more serious as he listens. Of course, that isn't visible through the phone, but his voice is softer as, "I appreciate it. I'll text you when I know more. Thank you for being willing to make the trip. And for everything." Not many people have been willing to believe in him the way she has.

Cal had his own kind of charm, and seeing him try to carry on with Liam despite his obvious nervousness had her smiling encouragingly up at him. Her free hand finding his and giving him an affectionate squeeze. She was however, fully shocked he agreed so quickly. Unable to stop from bouncing on her toes to jump up and place a loud smacking kiss to the edge of his jaw despite her brother still being there.

"We'll be there, and no need to fight Joel because i'll bring you a couple things. We should do something fun after to celebrate you, Liam and you can invite anyone you want."

Her excited rush of words into her phone was only tempered by gentle, heartfelt words.

"You are going to be alright Liam, it's ok to feel good about this. I just know Isabel and Roman and Nate are going to be just as happy for you as we are."

[erstwhles]

Even when Atticus was more comfortable trusting her with the pieces of his past, Carolina rarely came up in conversation, and she never came up unless Sakura mentioned her first. Still, his answer comes quickly. "No, I'm not in love with her." But he understands why she asks, as much as it stings to hear the question. It's no different than his own questions surrounding the Mirandonian King. "But I learned after her. I'm not good at that type of life." No good at magazine covers, at smiling for the cameras.

Though this is the first time they are seeing each other in over a year, this conversation feels more candid, even if there is a finality to it, like they are standing on the edge of a knife, ready to fall to either side.

"Just because I knew I couldn't go with you doesn't mean I wasn't fighting for you," he says. "I know you think I didn't handle it the right way, and I do think about what I would do differently if I could go back." He has already wasted so much time thinking about all the hypotheticals. "But that wasn't me giving up. I was trying to do what I thought was right. I couldn't hold you back, and I wasn't going to ask you to stay here for me." Not in the same way he begged Carolina. "But if you're saying you could want this again... You're saying you see yourself here? Happy? Because I know where I stand. I meant what I said earlier."

Carolina had always been an untouchable issue in their relationship. She knew about her, had met her- knew abstractly what led to their divorce and how deeply Atticus had been hurt. Even if he had never spoken at length how it all had affected him to her. She had wondered after meeting Carolina and seeing Atticus's reaction to her wedding invitation whether he still loved Carolina.

Even now, as he is talking more than he had before he still seems to dance around the real reason of their breakup and her leaving.

"Was it really about not wanting this life, or you just didn't trust I would want you? You say you love me, but do you love her still? Is that why you pushed me away?"

Which, even now was frustrating as it had been back then. Their relationship hadn't been without issues. They had many secrets between them and had entered into a blissful spot of neither of them wanting their pasts, happy with the present and dreaming of a future together. She had only been surprised and hurt when he faltered the second things became hard and wondered if he had ever really believed they would have a future together at all.

"I don't want it to be the same, if I stay. There are so many things we hid from each other. You were always so hesitant with us but I still fought for you our entire relationship. I just want to feel like you are willing to fight for me through anything- I want to feel chosen by you because you know I fought for you."

[erstwhles]

He is someone who has always preferred keeping his cards close to his chest, so the surprise in her eyes makes sense. Before, he never would have been this open, but Atticus knows where that left him last time. He even manages to keep his eyes focused on her despite the same creeping urge to keep Sakura at arm's length.

"But I never wanted that either. The status and the... public image," he says. He did that, though not entirely out of choice, when he married Carolina—spent months playing the part of the put-together husband whose presence on the social scene was integral to their image as a couple. "I messed it up last time because I didn't want it." Which she knows, of course. Still, even if it has been this long since their breakup, he thinks she deserves some context surrounding his decision.

"I do remember him." He watches as she shifts her attention to the empty spot on her ring finger. There is so much more he could ask about Henrik, but Atticus knows any questioning would be solely for his sake.

"I know I messed up by pushing you away, but I couldn't imagine a world where you would want this—" he nods to the rest of the room— "instead of that." He hadn't stopped to ask, either. "And what if it's not the same? The bakery and me and coming back here?"

Hearing that he loved her still was a surprise, there had been so many times she wondered if he ever had- really. It was hard to understand how you could love someone and then push them away like he had her. Surprise in her eyes evening out as she watches him carefully, taking in his words. His following question had her shifting to meet his dark eyes evenly. Her head tilting slightly to side and her hair sliding over one shoulder from the movement.

"I'm not Carolina. I never wanted or was interested in status."

He had been the one that encouraged her to go but the plan had never been for her to stay permanently.

"Rico will take over as heir no matter what I choose- you remember him, right? He just needed time to get support from the court. Once he does- I can go wherever I want. With who I want."

Looking down at her hands, for all the speculation of her engagement to Henrik there wasn't a ring on her finger. She had thought maybe all her choices were made for her, but Henrik had been kind enough to give her a real one, now.

"I would go back to the bakery to start, find out who I want to be now. Buy myself some time and wait for things to settle- maybe. I am sure eventually I would be forgotten entirely. "

It might not be the answer he wants or is looking for, but that is the one she has.

"I've always been good at sorting myself out- I just..."

Falling silent, it is harder to explain what she really wants.

"If I come back, I want a family. With you. I want peace. If I come back, it's because you are willing to fight for that as much as I will. I know Carolina hurt you, but you pushed me away Atticus. I was never going to agree to help my father's family had you not told me to do it. I know now, why he hid so much. Why he ran. Whatever I do next, I don't want to run or hide- I want to live fully."

[erstwhles]

drop this sunflower🌻 into the inboxes of the blogs that make you happy ! lets spread a little sunshine☀️

this back at you❤️

[erstwhles]

Under nearly any other topic of conversation, Liam would laugh at the use of words like iteration and quark and lepton. Even now, his expression briefly shifts as he listens, but nothing could ever be enough to fill the empty space where his heart used to be. How could anything fill that space when his heart is moving three hundred miles away? "Kittikhun." the extra syllables beyond his usual nickname weigh heavily on his tongue. Kit's full name is reserved only for the important moments. "It wouldn't be fair."

Liam squeezes his eyes shut before forcing himself to return Kit's gaze. It's harder to stay focused with less space between them, and ultimately, keeping the distance proves a harder task as his boyfriend tries to make the case for long-distance. Liam always wondered whether he would ever find a love like this—something that feels easy. Something he can't imagine living without. Hockey has taken plenty from him both physically and mentally, but this may be the worst loss yet: the loss of a future that he was naïve enough to believe could be his.

"You keep talking about me," Liam says, a sad smile on his lips as he reaches for one of Kit's hands. "But you deserve this. You deserve to go focus on Ottawa and not think about being here. Not thinking about me or what could've been." His other hand is lifted up to Kit's cheek. This, he knows, is a bad idea too, but it may also be the last chance he has to hold him close. "I... have never been as happy as I am with you." He's never been so scared to lose someone. "And I would do anything you asked me to do... but don't ask me to do that. Because I'll do it, and then we'll spend more time missing calls back and forth and traveling than actually talking or seeing each other. And then I'll lose you anyway," he says. "Please don't think that means this is what I want."

"Look at me, Liam." Kit's chest ached watching him walk away, waiting for Liam to turn around and meet his sad gaze. He'd never hurt like this before, but Kit had also never expected to be told that this was over or that wasn't about their relationship but the job. "There is no universe, no iteration of my existence where every single quark and lepton doesn't reach for you." Maybe it was nerdy, but that was Kit, forever trying to make Liam smile—even at the worst of times, even when things were serious. It didn't make the statement any less true. "You are what makes me happiest. While hockey may be a close second, not even a chance the cup changes that. You make me happiest, making you happy is part of that happiness. I'll always do what you want, but I'm begging you, Liam. Not this, not without trying to make it work first."

Kit felt helpless, like he was being abandoned by his family all over again. In a way, perhaps, he was. Liam was his chosen family and, as they say, home is where the heart is. Home was wherever Liam was and Kittikhun knew that even if they broke up, that wouldn't change with distance. "I'm in love with you. I can't believe that this is the right choice for us. Even if it isn't the easiest to do distance, it's got to be easier than missing a part of myself..."

[erstwhles]

In an industry as prone to change as theirs, Liam should have known better than to get attached to someone on the team, but Kittikhun was never in the plans. It was never supposed to get this far, and now, facing the reality that they are going to be hundreds of miles apart, Liam realizes that he stopped imaging a future that didn't involve Kit. Now what is he supposed to do?

The few days following the official trade announcement were spent trying to convince himself that a relationship was still possible. They wouldn't be the first couple relegated to long distance, but Liam hasn't been able to shake the nervous feeling that rises in his stomach every time he tries to consider what that relationship would look like. The only feeling capable of unseating that one is the guilt that quickly seeps in as a result of thinking about how this trade will affect himself and not the man who is facing a cross-country move.

It's just that it's hard not to think about how much everything is going to change. Kit is his phone's lock screen. He is the first thing that his mom asks about every time they talk. He is the first person Liam looks for after walking into a room. He's the one he wants at the end of a long day or following a bad game.

Under any other circumstances, he would welcome Kittikhun's touch, but right now, the longer he looks on, the more difficult it is to keep a handle on his own feelings, to keep his tears from falling.

It would be easier if Kit were mad, but that isn't him. Instead, his boyfriend moves closer, and Liam swallows hard against the lump in his throat. "What?" He takes advantage of the distance as soon as Kit pulls back, stepping away and taking a deep breath. "Stop. You don't get to apologize. You're going to be great there, Kit." He has no doubt of that, but he'll be watching every step from afar, anyway. "That's what this is about. It isn't about me... trying to be happy. If it was, I wouldn't be saying any of this." Liam's fingers itch to reach out, but he knows there isn't a good chance he will be able to pull away if he does. It's the same reason why he doesn't mention that he isn't sure what it means to be happy without Kit in his life.

"I'm sorry." The sight of Kit with his face buried in his hands has him pausing again, this time, debating what it would mean to pull him back into his arms. "You just... you deserve to be happy, too." If there is such a thing. If nothing else, he deserves to focus, all in, in Ottawa, Liam knows he isn't part of that story anymore.

Some people might have pulled away from the person dumping them, might have interrupted the speech with their own emotions. That wasn't Kit. When Liam said they needed to talk, he had a feeling where this conversation was going, knew he'd beg, but he knew that Liam would have never made this decision lightly. So, he took his boyfriend's hands in his, thumbs brushing over Liam's knuckles until he stopped talking. Misty-eyed, Kit slid his hands up Liam's arms and held his jaw, locking eyes with the man he loved. "I love you and I love you too much to not ask you to try." Kit felt his heart sink, closing his eyes so that he didn't have to see the rejection. "I get it, I just ... I want us to try and make this work. I hear you.... I'm just so fucking sorry I got traded." Kit knew he hadn't been consistent enough for the team to justify his price tag. If he'd felt like he didn't have years in his career he would have quit just to avoid losing Liam. There was the issue, if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd do the same. Liam deserved to live his life without the person he wanted celebrating his successes being a phone or flight away, that he could come home to someone who held him through the hard days. "I'm sorry, Liam." The tears fell freely, no classic Kit smile to be seen, and the apology wasn't just for not getting a contract on their team, but for selfishly asking Liam to change his mind and try to make this work. "I want... I need you to be happy. If that's without me, I understand." Kittikhun buried his face in his hands, muffling his crying. "Sorry, I think I just need a minute."

//starter or canon throw back feels for @erstwhles

[erstwhles]

LANY - pink skies

[erstwhles]

Moments like this, where he is quicker to offer a joke or a smile, have become easier in recent days. Everyone is always prompt to remind him that time heals, but Sakura's role in that healing isn't lost on him. It's why, as he extends his hand for a dance, he isn't thinking about his past and everything that was lost.

"My brother is many things, but... a bad influence is certainly one of them. I see you have already picked that up in your short time here." Henrik would argue that the court could use some of his brother's energy from time to time.

It's a proper dance, and though it has been a while since he has taken to any dance floor, Henrik quickly falls into step, one hand on her back while the other grips hers as they move to the beat of the music.

There are plenty of cameras, but considering several of their guests are already whispering, he has a feeling that talk of this moment would have spread anyway. Interestingly enough, Henrik finds that he doesn't care as much as he should. Might as well blame Willheim for that, too.

"I suppose it hasn't." There is a respectable distance between them, but Henrik is too aware of the touch of their hands, the way his fingers press into her back. "I would be happy to offer you another dance. However, I have also heard the food tonight has been amazing if I could interest you in that."

The connection between them was a delicate growing thing, both of them brokenhearted and hesitant. But, with her hand in his and hearing him gently joke that flicker of hope only increases as he bows to her. Giving him a neat curtsy in return with a smile.

"I might be spending too much with your brother as well, because I think we should take to the floor."

Walking down the polished steps hand in hand with him and finding a spot for themselves on the floor all her hours of practice come to mind as she settles a hand on his shoulder. Ignoring everyone and the flash of cameras as she finds the beat- following his lead with unguarded smile.

"I might need another dance with you because the world hasn't ended after all."