esc-is-holding-me-hostage - Tumblr blog

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made a spreadsheet to figure out my favorite year but instead, it only exposed my recency bias :/

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i'm sorry if this has been done before

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Okay, I'm finally done with the annual quick reviews. Overall opinion: it's 2020 all over again but the lows are not so low (and the highs are not as high either). The competition is very open, which is refreshing after last year's one-horse race disguised as a two-horse race. There are no songs I would listen to after the contest but as a Eurovision lineup it's pretty entertaining and varied. Also, the girl-bopocalypse of 2021 was much better. Albania The decision of translating the song into English is already questionable but did we really need a fucking dance beat in the last chorus?

Armenia I love how fun it is, but I wish there were, you know, lyrics in the chorus

Australia You couldn't have made a more unsettling music video if you've tried.

Austria I don't know why they've decided to go with bloody eurodance this year. It does not feel updated for the modern times, it's not a cheeky pastiche either. We Will Rave feels like it's been lying around in a vault for the past 20+ years and then the Austrian delegation accidentally stumbled upon it and decided that yes, it will be a perfect Eurovision pick. I still don't hate it though? It might become my guilty pleasure of the year even.

Azerbaijan Why would you bring a guy with such a charismatic moustache just to do a little 10-second chant near the end? He deserves better!

Belgium I should love it. It should've been my number 1, it's Belgium going back to Dark and Moody™, it's what I always want from them. And yet I only like it. The last minute or so is great, but the lead up to that is whatever and doesn't do anything for me.

Croatia The chorus is weak and kinda generic, but the verses are so good they make up for it. The "please meow back" line receives the award for the best lyric of the year.

Cyprus For a twice (or possibly thrice) recycled song it's surprisingly okay. Nothing groundbreaking, it's still a dance-pop song from Kontopoulos, but it's fine.

Czechia I have a complex love-hate relationship with this one. The melody is great, it's exactly the kind of music I listen to outside of ESC. But good lord, do I hate the repetitive self-empowerment lyrics in the chorus.

Denmark Ehhh... She's a good singer I guess.

Estonia I think it's my favorite song of the year? Similarly to Trenulețul it just activates some primal dance spirit in me. Suit jackets on the naked body are still a crime against humanity tho.

Finland Yeah, I'm sorry, but if you hate No Rules, then you hate fun.

France France keeps trying to hide from us what's actually popular in their country.

Georgia It's another generic girl-bop ESC song, we've got half-a-dozen of these this year, but goddamn Nutsa is a fucking powerhouse.

Germany Imagine Dragons-ass production aside, the elephant sounds are such a bizarre choice.

Greece ... I'm sorry but Zari sounds like a bunch of noises with no melody to me, I'm very much not the target audience for this one and I don't get why everyone seems to love it so much.

Iceland Yeah, it's dated and kinda lame but in a very charming way.

Ireland Doomsday Blues is great, but because of all the layering and vocal distortions the live version will always be very different from the studio one. What I'm trying to say is that the live version sounds like an off-off-Broadway villain song.

Israel It's boring as fuck.

Italy It's nice but similarly to Greece I have no idea why is it so beloved by the fandom.

Latvia The song is so boring, that the most talked about part of Latvia's entry is Dons' lack of hair.

Lithuania After I've reassured myself that no, Luktelk does NOT sound like a Ruki Vverkh song it became pretty good.

Luxembourg So much potential in Luxembourg's comeback and yet they went with the most mid(tempo) song ever.

Malta Another generic girl-bop, and the closest we've gotten to an actual SloMo copycat, but it's okay I guess.

Moldova I almost forgot to write anything about Moldova before posting it, which is all you need to know about my opinion on In The Middle.

Netherlands I hate to say it, but I kinda love it? Yeah, Joost has the most punchable face in the history of humanity and I've made several references to my comedically exaggerated hatred of 90s dance music, but Europapa just keeps getting better the more I listen to it.

Norway I like it, but can't really say anything about it other than that.

Poland Very "topped at number 37 in Billboard hot 100 in 2019 and then was featured in a couple ads"-coded

Portugal One of the Portuguese entries of all time (i still like it tho)

San Marino Not as good as Arcadia but I'm happy Megara have made it to Eurovision anyway :)

Serbia It's fine.

Slovenia Similarly to Belgium, I wish I loved it more than I do.

Spain Really fun entry, iconic journey to ESC, but the weak vocals will be the reason the juries will murder Zorra in the Grand Final.

Sweden Not as forgettable as everyone says it is but it's still polished Swedish pop entry #569328

Switzerland From testing the limits of my attention span two years ago to making the most ADHD song of the year, huh. The Code is so many things at once and yet it works without feeling like a disjointed mess.

Ukraine I miss the times when Jerry was making funny meme songs, now we're stuck with her religious awakening era. Alyona's verse is the highlight of the song, everything else is good if you don't think about the lyrics too much.

United Kingdom I don't know how, but the UK has managed to make a decent song that I kind of hate yet again. The production in Dizzy annoys me to no end, I fucking hate the bells and the synths in the chorus, why are they so fucking annoying.

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New song, kot kot?

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Prediction time

Switzerland, Ukraine, the Netherlands, or Italy wins. yeah, it's so open that i can't narrow it down further

juries and televote are split on the winner, we probably end up with a 2016/2019 situation

Lithuania in the top 10

Croatia isn't in the top 3

Belgium isn't in the televote top 10, probably out of top 10 alltogether

Finland and Estonia qualify with ease but then underperform in the final and end up on the right side of the scoreboard

Ireland NQs yet again

Greece and Spain are murdered by the juries

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i keep thinking about the fact that (probably because of the war) we've never gotten the studio version of VESELO, which is a shame, because the song fucking slaps like, the band got tired of telling people "it's not weed you piece of shit stoner" whenever someone made jokes about hemp seeds mentioned in Shum, so Kateryna went "okay, you know what? maybe it is" and made a song about weed

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please don't tell me Austria isn't opening semi 2 because they've decided to go with the MV's theme of being really horny

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okay, here it is, it's not even a tier-list, more like a "thematically grouped" list. also, my opinions can and will change

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also, this whole "let's have Big5+Host perform in the semis among other contestants" is gonna be such a mess. casuals already barely know how the voting system works, they are gonna be sooooo confused by this new thing can't wait for angry "why couldn't i vote for Sweden in the semi-final" comments

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San Marino isn't 11th in the running order

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subjected my boyfriend to the song recap, as is tradition his favorites were Czechia and the Netherlands he also hated Georgia and the "dude, that's just Imagine Dragons", i.e. Germany and Latvia selected quotes: - "Titan" what kind of country is that? - "Baby Lasagna" what's his song is about, spaghetti? - we have Björk at home

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currently listening to "Before The Party Is Over" on repeat in an attempt to stockholm-syndrome myself into loving it

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i usually have trouble with writing the quick reviews, but this year even making a tier list is a struggle

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good news: there are no songs i hate this year bad news: there are no songs i love either

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i'm sorry but not bald Dons from 2014 looks like young Putin 💀