esteemingkati

[esteemingkati]

The #minniemaud struggle

Just wanted to say that today is the day I will face my fears. I will be free! I am starting proper #minniemaudrecovery

[esteemingkati]

In my new job some people have probably realised that something is not right with me. They saw that I am skinny and one talked to my dad and one shouted to me: “and kati, you have to eat more”.

Last Summer a boy asked my sister if I had anorexia....

When I was in the supermarket and couldn’t decide what to buy, a man asked me if everything was ok and if I needed help and that was very confusing....

I don’t want people to know what is going on with me.

I don’t want people to think, that I am not in recovery...

[esteemingkati]

: 85 things that are worse than being "fat"

: 85 things that are worse than being “fat”

lisforliving:

Not being able to go out to dinner with friends.

Not being able to go out to parties with friends.

Not having friends.

Having panic attacks.

Having panic attacks at the grocery store.

Having panic attacks at the kitchen table.

Having to go to 3 or 4 grocery stores because you can’t find “your brand.”

Having “a brand.”

Planning when and where you’re going to eat.

When those plans don’t work out.

Making all your plans around those plans.

Automatically counting the calories in everything you eat.

Automatically counting the calories in everything everyone else eats.

Not being able to eat your favorite food.

Realizing a piece of fruit has more control over your life than you do.

Spending hours on food websites.

Being stared at because you can’t make up your mind at the store.

Not caring that you’re being stared at because you can’t make up your mind at the store.

Being laughed at by waiters.

Being laughed at by sales associates.

Breaking promises with everyone, including yourself.

Lying to everyone, especially yourself.

Going to appointment after appointment after appointment…

Giving up your summer to be in treatment.

Giving up school to be in treatment.

Giving up your life to be in treatment.

Being on 5+ prescriptions.

Paying for 5+ prescriptions.

Paying to see the doctor who prescribes you 5+ prescriptions.

Arguing with your insurance company.

Crying over everything.

Crying over nothing.

Having a loved one come into your room in tears because they think you’re having a heart attack.

Having a heart attack.

Osteoporosis.

Infertility.

Lanugo.

…after appointment after appointment after appointment…

Blood draws, EKGs, and DEXA scans.

Not being able to look in the mirror.

But having to look in every reflective surface you pass.

Not knowing whether you’re going to wake up in the morning.

Not knowing if you want to wake up in the morning.

Feeling guilty.

Feeling guilty for feeling guilty.

Brittle nails.

Making excuses.

Being too anxious to sit through a movie.

Being too weak to open a window.

Being too tired to get out of bed.

Hating yourself.

Hurting yourself.

Numbers.

Having everyone know.

Not having anyone know.

Being too cold to go outside.

Constantly arguing with yourself.

Being worried about.

Secretly being worried about yourself.

Knowing you need help but not being able to ask for it.

Living by arbitrary rules you impose on yourself.

Not being able to hold down a job.

Not being able to support yourself.

Bruising.

…after appointment after appointment after appointment…

Meal plans.

Losing your identity to the disorder.

Being jealous.

Muscle cramps.

Heart palpitations.

Losing your hair.

Not being able to shop at your favorite stores.

Lowering expectations.

Losing your sanity.

Having to explain yourself to everyone.

Feeling like everyone is looking at you.

Losing your dignity.

Recovery relapse recovery relapse recovery relapse.

Relapse.

Losing your mind.

Disappointing everyone, most importantly yourself.

Answering the same questions over and over and over again.

Being watched 24/7.

Losing your freedom.

Losing your life.

(Originally posted by http://treatmentchronicles.tumblr.com/)

[esteemingkati]

Recovery is a constant decision. It’s downloading and deleting that calorie counting app over and over again. It’s having a panic attack after hearing your family talking about diets at the Christmas dinner table. It’s texting your best friend and feeling like a burden because you’ve needed her support every day this week. It’s forcing yourself to eat a potato chip and crying for an hour afterward. It’s slowly healing. It’s eating a meal and realizing you didn’t count the calories of what you ate. It’s having a snack and not feeling like you’re going to die. It’s not needing as many blankets at night. It’s realizing that maybe you aren’t actually fat. It’s having hair that no longer falls out. It’s relapsing. It’s coming back stronger. It’s seeing people not in recovery and wanting to show them how great it is. It’s eating your last remaining fear food and realizing nothing bad is going to happen. It’s changing your brain chemistry. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Above all, It’s worth it.

(via nerdyirishfeminist)

[esteemingkati]

[esteemingkati]

[esteemingkati]

I have actually never been to another country and that is very sad but since I was a little child I wanted to travel and see the world. I don’t want to waist my life just seeing my comfort zone. And that is also about my eating comfort.

When I am traveling, I will most likely not have my safe foods and I will have to eat a lot of fear foods because of the usual fast food. And I want it! Because it is normal and it is one of the things that make a big part of the journey.

And that is just normal. The last things normal people worry about when they are planning a trip. And I don’t want it to be a matter eighter....

[esteemingkati]

Currently I am at home. Chilling at my couch, researching about eating disorder recovery and searching for recovery motervation and watching youtube videos and while I am doing this, there is a big festival in my town. And I am not taking part....

well, my friends don’t have time eighter and my collueges planned to go there but I canceled because of the food.... I don’t want to do that anymore. The last years I have been to the festival about 3 times a year and now I have never been.

But next year I will (hopefully fully recovered) challenge to go there!!!

[esteemingkati]

At the moment I cry every day. And last week a colluege said:

“You are always smiling...”

Me: “But that doesn’t mean I am happy, right?”

Him: “It may be but you and your friends always have that fake smile but you know what?- You are the QUEEN OF FAKE SMILES”

Me: “Hahaha”

Him: “Honestly, I will probably kill myself when I see you not smiling”

Me (thinking): OH BOY; IF YOU COULD SEE ME IN THREEE HOURS....

[esteemingkati]

sometimes recovery doesn’t mean more treatment more therapy more medication sometimes you don’t need to learn more coping skills or make meal plans or identify emotions. sometimes you need more time in the sunshine more hugs that mean something more drunken conversations on a sunday night because sometimes you can understand recovery in your head but not feel recovery in your heart. sometimes your heart needs a little extra time to catch up.

I am waiting (via tessa-rae)

[esteemingkati]

This picture was taken on my 15th Birthday when I was recovering for the first time. 

My best friends visited me often, ate donuts with me and pizza, were always there to talk and even now that I have relapsed, they support me in my decision to go inpatient and I am so looking forward to meeting them more when I have the engergy to do that again and to going out for eating together with them.

Thanks guys, I love you ♥

[esteemingkati]

Eating is an experience and it is one of the many simple pleasures in life. Why sell yourself short by eating low-calorie, fat-free, sugar-fee, etc. food that doesn’t taste even remotely as good as the regular? You would not settle for poor quality in other areas of your life so why settle with food? You should be able to enjoy the experience of eating and you should always strive to live your life to the fullest. 

[esteemingkati]

Today I realised that my hair is starting to fall out a lot more than usually. and this is the nr. 1 thing I didn’t want to happen -.-

This fact was the one thing that got me weight restored about a year ago. So I won’t loose my love to my hair and I will recover good enough to never have such a bad relapse again that my hair will fall out because honestly?

- I LOVE MY HAIR :/

[esteemingkati]

At the moment my whole life depends on going inpatient. I wait for the clinic to take me away from my life. My life is just a pity.  I just go to work, think about my illness, food and collet information about the clinic. 

I want to look forward to other things. Celebrations with my friends, holidays, work and partys. But there is one thing holding me back from this all- 

my illness.

When I am recovered I will focus on other things rather than how to recover and what to eat. And I can’t wait until this will be possible. Hopefully from my 17th Birthday on.

[esteemingkati]

Don’t think about what can happen in a month. Don’t think about what can happen in a year. Just focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be.

Eric Thomas (via disbar)

[esteemingkati]

MY YEAR

January 2015: this is it! this is the year everything turns out right! gonna get good grades and a good job and everything's gonna be okay!

September 2015: please just let me die :)

[esteemingkati]

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost… I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes me a long time to get out. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson, Autobiography in Five Short Chapters (via amy-gets-better)

wow, this is honestly so true :o