eternal-moonbeam - Tumblr blog

[eternal-moonbeam]

i think it's cruel. how people like myself feel like know how to love but not knowing where to pour this overbearing feeling, afraid it'll be too much and will end up in the wrong places. but then, each time this jug will empty itself when i'm not the one doing it.

god, is this the doom you gave us the yearner? always feeling like a broken cup, it'll never be filled no matter how much affection is poured in. always feeling out of place, asking too much yet nothing at all.

god, is this the way you teach us to be brave? to search for our own jug to pour ourselves with, meanwhile always feeling so small to ask for even one drop. then beating ourselves up for not worthy enough for feeling loved because no one would pour the jug the way we want it, when we ourselves never said any kind of instruction in fear of being too much.

god, do you meant for us to ask for more to you? to always feeling thirsty? to yearn for perfect cradle? to grief over everything left unsaid?

i only want my heart and soul to be soothed the way they needed to be. is it a sin to ask for it?

[eternal-moonbeam]

i told the moon about you.

#np: very, slowly - bibi

/letter.

i saw the trembling hand first, then stepping forward to grab his hand.

see, i'm not the one for anything physical. i shrink if someone tries to hug me, and i shy away from every touches people gave me. even i don't like any touches from family member, which maybe you think i would at least tolerate.

but i saw his hands trembling, and i know i want to clasp his hand in mine and caress the back of his hand with my thumb. anything to make the trembling stops. i didn't even know why i did that, either.

after i went back home, i realized that's not the only thing i would do for him. i would let him hold my hand in horror movies in case he needs it. i would accompany him to eat heavy noodle dish even though i already ate. i would still reply to his messages late at night when i was supposed to be asleep. i would listen to anything he says, no matter how silly, and make a mental notes myself; similar to collecting puzzle pieces.

after that, i will contemplate everything while talking to the only one listening without prejudices, the moon. the thing you should know is, i only told the moon everything that i couldn't figure out myself. to put it into perspective; i couldn't figure him out, at first.

i didn't even know when it started; all i know is i learned how to be independent, but he didn't want to take that away. instead he stays in his lane, waiting for me to invite him to walk alongside me. my heart raced at the thought that he might leave, but he didn't; no matter how much i tried to run away.

and i realized then; i do want him to accompany me, and i want myself to be there for him, too.

so if he's wondering if i do cherish him the way he does to me, all he has to do is look into my eyes and see how dear he is to me,

and that i will step towards him very, slowly.

ㅡ a.

[eternal-moonbeam]

it's not who you think it is, open your eyes.

/rantrantrantrant

i believe i have some form of control in deciding how my life will turn out. we all do. not in every aspects, but there are some things that i get to decide on. some decisions might be heavily influenced by others, or some might be purely out of impulsiveness. some might turned out to be the worst thing of your life and some might be the best thing.

i just dont like that out of all those aspects we could've decide on, we absolutely can't control who our heart desires.

it's different with who we choose to pursue. we definetely have a say on that, weighing the actual knowledge we know about the person and the perceived image of future we made in our head with them. but to get the gutwrenching feeling in you when you catch a glimpse of them, the absolute nonsensical thoughts about them in your head, the red flush in your cheek when their eyes meet yours, the exploding sparks in your left chest after that- you can't choose who you want to get them from. whether you like it or not.

it gets annoying when it messes with your head all day. when you're minding your business and one single thought about them flashes through your mind. when you know you have to sleep early but then the drumming of your heart halts you from closing your eyes.

and it gets really, really annoying when you know you can't pursue this person.

and again, there's a difference between not wanting to pursue and can't. it's about who your heart desires. when the reality outweighs the desire, it usually ends up with not wanting to pursue- but, in very rare events, when the desire outweighs the reality, that's when things get even more annoying.

it gets the most annoying when it's a person you and people around you didn't saw coming. or maybe yall do. depending on how denial yall are.

no matter how much reality you slap your heart with, no matter the insecurities in you try to sabotage, sometimes the desire is still so big it outweighs them all. but no matter how much your heart tries to break itself free, it's the brain that controls all- including what is coming out of your mouth and what's not. what you do and don't do. as long as your brain is strong enough to not let go of that dam, you should be safe.

in the meantime, i suggest you to keep on manipulating the heart so you could still have your dignity intact.

the thing is- my heart is smart, and have tried to manipulate my brain back with its sweet, sweet words. it has the ability to catch even the littlest detail of body language, the smallest figment of conversation- and turn them into the loveliest perception in your mind, to make you weak. to break the dam.

it will be okay. just take a chance this once.

that's what it usually says. that persuasion made me let go once- and all the things my heart said were right, but also wrong. because it never considers the broken part of me who also always try to have a say.

and i usually let it have the moment the most. because i see myself as someone not worthy, and it's the only voice in my head who agrees.

and it usually results in me never trying, or always jump off the train first- so that i can't be left.

foul proof, indeed, but make sure to be strong because it gets very lonely.

[eternal-moonbeam]

27 mei 2010

untuk kakak umur 23 tahun, 13 tahun dari sekarang.

halo kak, ini alsya yang baruuu banget pulang sekolah.

tahun ini aku masuk umur 10, dan aku kelas 4 sd. aku merasa sangat beda dengan aku di umur 9, tapi aku tetap aja gak boleh keluar rumah. setelah pr selesai, aku cuma bisa duduk di atas balkon sambil dengerin rekaman lagu di hp yang aku rekam dari mtv ampuh (jangan bilang ibu ya, nanti aku disuruh turun. katanya takut jatuh). atau baca ulang buku - buku yang ada di lemari uni. atau setel dvd barbie diam - diam- soalnya ibu bisa marah kalau lihat ada adegan ciuman. atau kalau lagi bosan, dvd barbienya aku ganti dvd horror. meskipun ujung - ujungnya aku gak bisa tidur sih.

tapi ya. umurku sudah 10, umurku yang tadinya hanya satu angka sekarang bertambah jadi dua, tapi hidupku masih gini - gini aja.

harusnya aku nulis ini ke kakak sekitar 2 mingguan yang lalu, tapi aku lagi sibuk belajar buat uas, jadi maaf ya kak, lupa. kalau misalnya tahun ini juga gak ada yang ingat ulang tahun kakak, biar aku yang wakilin buat ngucapin. selamat ulang tahun untuk kita, kak! waah, udah bener - bener dewasa ya kakak. aku gak kebayang gimana jadi kakak. aku ngeladenin teman temanku yang mau nyontek pr aja, rasanya mau nangis karena gak bisa nolak.

dan kayak yang aku bilang, gak ada satupun yang ingat ulang tahun aku. aku gak pernah berharap diucapin atau dirayain sih, tapi kadang aku sedih lihat teman - teman aku ngerayain ulang tahunnya sedangkan aku kadang lupa umurku berapa. dan makin besar, makin banyak tanggung jawab yang rasanya harus aku emban. aku udah harus bisa naik angkot sendiri. aku udah harus bisa goreng telur sendiri. aku harus bisa ganti sprei sendiri.

gimana rasanya kak, jadi orang dewasa yang bisa ngelakuin apapun yang kakak mau? bisa jalan - jalan sendiri naik angkot, atau mungkin naik motor (kalau udah dibolehin ayah), atau mungkin tinggal di kota lain kayak uni. aku ga pernah bisa bayangin gimana rasanya punya kebebasan sebanyak itu. bisa keluar dari sangkar besar yang orang - orang bilang 'rumah' ini dan mencari sebenarnya apa yang harusnya aku lakuin.

atau mungkin, kakak juga masih ngerasa terperangkap kayak aku? kakak masih harus diantar kemana mana, gak boleh pulang sore, dimarahi kalau nilai jelek. aku gak pernah sih, dapat nilai jelek. tapi kan siapa tau. kalau iya, pasti rasanya kayak mau meledak gak sih, kak? aku aja rasanya mau kabur aja dari rumah kalau aku gak ranking 1. gak tau kalau kakak, ya.

aku punya beberapa pertanyaan buat kakak. kakak kapan sih, sadar kalau kakak harus mulai dewasa? umur berapa kakak mulai persiapan untuk jadi dewasa? apa iya kalau udah dewasa gak bisa main barbie lagi? kalau gak main barbie nanti kalau bosan ngapain, dong?

eh, tapi kakak gak bisa jawab juga sih, ya. sama kayak ibu, ayah, dan orang - orang lain kalau aku tanya tentang itu.

untuk penutup, aku mau berharap yang terbaik aja deh buat kakak. kakak keren banget udah bisa bertahan sampai umur segitu! umur 23 buat aku itu umur yang gede banget. bahkan mbak siti aja belum sampai umur itu, dan dia udan dewasa banget. semangat ya, kak, ngelakuin apapun yang lagi kakak lakuin sekarang. aku juga harus semangat, sebentar lagi naik kelas 5. semoga aku gak sekelas lagi sama dia (kakak tau kan, siapa yang aku maksud?).

udah dulu ya kak, aku mau siap siap ngaji dulu. harusnya aku tidur siang sih, jadi aku mau pura - pura tidur dulu biar nanti gak dimarahin ibu karena gak tidur. jangan kasih tau siapa - siapa ya, kak! tapi sebenernya aku males banget ngaji soalnya isinya anak kelas sebelah semua. tapi mau gimana lagi, ya kan?

sekali lagi selamat ulang tahun, kak! panjang umur sehat selalu!

dari alsya, umur 10 tahun 17 hari

jam 2.30 siang, di kamar atas rumah gang tahu.

[eternal-moonbeam]

i feel like i'm sinking again.

sound of my surroundings slowly drowned in buzz of thoughts, my limbs hard as rock that they cant move an inch from bed, sour taste in my mouth everytime i force myself to eat. they came back. and i hate that i let them to.

lately when i feel like i would cry for no reason, i always counter them with something like, "nah, you're just hungry." "you're getting your period soon." the first few times worked, but the thing is- now, i'm not nearing my period anytime soon, and every food i stuff in my mouth feel like chores rather than pleasure.

so i swallowed the pills again. and i feel so, so guilty for it.

it's not even the brintellix ones. its just the lorazepam- the ones they gave me for my sleeping problem. still, i feel so guilty to reach out to them again after 2 months of not doing it.

and to make the situation even worse- its doing nothing to my restlessness.

you see, i prayed to god to help me. im done wondering why, i need Him to help me. the tears on my pillows, praying mattress and the hem of my praying gown would tell you the details if they could. how my prayers ranged from sad, angry full-blown sobbing to silent prayers with tears silently rolling down my cheeks. i keep asking, please help me. i dont know what happened to me, but please, help me. dont leave me alone in this darkness. please.

and the silence following it made me more desperate.

please. i dont want to go back to those pills. i dont want to dissappoint my parents even further. not them. not my siblings. not my family. tell me the way out. please. im tired.

still, the silent sob also followed by the silence of the night.

i usually go to sleep right on the mattress after that, waking up with sore neck and bloated face. and the same emptiness remains.

and thats how i ended up reaching for a glass of water and the sky blue package of lorazepam.

again. with the guilt doubled from the last time i chugged the white pill into my throat. the guilt that never fails to bring tears to my eyes.

i wonder when will this vicious cycle end.

[eternal-moonbeam]

with slumped shoulder against the mattress, i rethink about how my evening went.

it became a habit, to replay the tapes of what i did throughout the day, overanalyse them and regretting things in the comfort of pitch black dawn. then get some sleep if i'm lucky. otherwise i'll just watch the horizon slowly get painted soft yellow and hear the loud chirps of little sparrows waking up.

as my head slowly get plushed against the pillow, i close my eyes and try to pick up mistakes i might've done all evening. talking loudly over someone. joking too obnoxiously. picking the wrong words. we as humans do those little mistakes all the time, but when we did it again and again i sometimes think if those are even mistakes at all.

seeing my friends talking about their feelings and everyday struggles openly make me ponder. i, too, have many things to say. many repressed feelings to unpack. but why wont i let myself speak up? why do i detach myself from my feelings in front of people then overwhelmingly feeling them all by myself when i'm no longer in the midst of people? why do i have so many reasons to give myself to not open up?

gak lah, permasalahan lo gak sebesar itu.

masalah hidup lo kan itu - itu aja.

kenapa masih dipikirin, sih? dendam ya?

emang hidup lo seberat apasih sampe lo ngerasa sesedih itu?

buat apa cerita ke orang masalah begituan, yang ada cuma bikin orang ikutan sedih.

i give myself reasons everytime.

i believe them,

and i follow them everytime.

all whilst my heart desperately banging on my conscience's door, let me breath, for fuck's sake! why do you have to be so selfish everytime?

i wonder too. i had so many chances to be vulnerable yet i dont want it, then cried myself to sleep for every missed opportunity. crying because i want to either lay myself bare or get rid of all these overwhelming feelings altogether. crying because afterall, inside i'm still an emotionally sensitive bitch.

fucking pisces moon.

and damned luteal phase.

anjing.

[eternal-moonbeam]

summer heat, matching bracelets

# np : lolita - lana del rey

/eng, ramble.

i could never forget the thrill i felt a few moments before i met you.

i finished my meal, fidgeting, feeling like i would throw up everything. notification popped on my phone screen made me even more nervous that i pretended i didn't see it. of course, my curiosity win over me and read your text in your voice i made in my head. i'm on the other side of the room. my heart pumped blood so much i felt like i would explode.

when i finally mustered up courage and walked towards your table, you had your back facing me. i prepared for the disappointed look on your face when you turned and looked at me, but i got none. instead i got the flattest expression i've ever gotten in my life, and i didn't know which one is worse. i wasn't alone, and you weren't either. and so, we didn't talk much on our first meeting. you gave me a matching bracelet, which wasn't pretty, but i didn't took it off for a long time.

but still then, my first thought of you was that you're pretty despite the nasty bruises you got from slipping off your motorbike the day before.

later when you texted me after we both got home, to my surprise, you said sorry and confessed that you were nervous to the point you couldn't say much in front of my face. that you wanted to say how cute i was with the height difference we had.

i never liked when people say i'm little. but you were an exception. i fell asleep that night, smiling at feeling the once was nausea in my tummy turned into butterflies.

i also could never forget the second time you asked me to meet up.

we only sit on the same table for 4 hours, eating overcooked fries and telling stories. my oversharing tendencies were fueled by your reactions, and i believed you enough to share my deepest feelings. at the time it might not look significant for a grown up like you, but i was satisfied enough by your smiles that i didn't bother to check the look in your eyes.

third time's a charm, they said. we went karaoke-ing, just the two of us under the dim light and cheap mirrorball. we both sounded terrible, but at the time i thought you sound pretty enough to be a singer. the cold air made your hands cold, and i held them while i belt shakily over the song instrumental. i remember you holding my hand back, and i remember holding back a smile.

my heart only grew bigger after that, but also our distance. i figured it's the big, grown up life that was keeping you from me, and the newly teenager tried to act like a grown-up, be considerate by not wanting to add more problems. the butterflies were flying in circles creating uncomfortable knots, and i could only stood in silence as i waited for anything you would give me. good night's greetings. irritation-filled rambles. rushed text-makeouts. i scraped everything i could get my hand on.

but by the time the fourth meeting rolled around, i convinced myself that it was all in my head and settled for the reality i chose; the one where you would hold my hand as we walk through the mall, hug me out in the open and give me a peck on my temple before we part. i remember the untying knots, and your smile.

but then, i was barely teenager, and i didn't remember your eyes- too busy in my own picture of you i drew in my head. how unreliable i was in telling my own story of us.

see, when you said you didn't care about anything else and only care about me, you made me a pretending prodigy that had to learn the hard way of people who might don't know about their own feelings, and how i couldn't let my wellbeing depend on that. i thought my identity didn't matter, since for me, yours didn't- and all i wanted was taking care of you, the broken human you painted yourself to be. but then i couldn't reach you anymore, and i thought that's how all love supposed to be. to be left open like a wound without any closure.

but then, i was barely teenager. and it was all behind closed closet doors.

lolita was 15 when she ran away with the manipulative humbert, and so was i. i used to hate how foolish of her to believe a grown man that is in love with her 12 year-old self, and i think i owe her a sorry after i experienced it myself.

lolita, too, was only a 12-year old dolores before she met humbert.

i used to hope you get the redemption you need. then as i grow up to be the same grown-up as you used to, i realize what you need isn't a redemption, but a sorry.

to me. to the person you made me into. to the person i was before i met you. the dolores i was before i met you.

but then, despite resenting you, i could never forget you, our short meetings and how it changed me.

ㅡ a.

[eternal-moonbeam]

falling icarus.

#np ; this is me trying - taylor swift

/ramble. eng.

i want to be like icarus.

yes, the one from greek mythology. the one who made wings out of feathers and childlike curiosities, put together with wax glue with his father. the one who foolishly thawed the wax of his own wings after flying too close to the sun, and fell into the dark, below ditch. that icarus.

people may think its a silly thing to think about, though. he was a damn idiot fucker who couldnt even fathom his father's cautions, and fell into his own grave. nothing good or honouring about being dead out of self-idiocy.

but people understand him.

it was a very human-like curiosity, to ignore cautions, to push boundaries. how far would you make it until you fail. how close we could get until we are burnt to death. moreover, there was the 'thing'; the sun. icarus fell because he went too close to the sun. and it made sense.

people may think that he was a fool, but at least people understand him. people know where he went wrong. because he made sense.

but it would've been a different story if he just fell. no sun. no predators. nothing. people wont sympathize with him because why would you even fell? you have wings and its working fine until now. even if he asked for understanding, no one would've given him any. no rational mind could've made sense of that; why? what happened? you were doing fine. what were you thinking to just fell like that?

and he would've wished he knew what happened to him.

so that he could've made sense of what happened to himself, and he wouldnt felt guilty about could not meet to anyone's expectations, including himself. so that he could've convinced himself that he suffered enough to not felt guilty.

because he would've felt that he hasn't suffered enough. there was no sun. nothing. none. what made him fell? even himself didn't knew.

he would've wished that he knew why.

but then, icarus fell because of the sun.

and i wish i were icarus and could make sense of my own fall.

ㅡa.

[eternal-moonbeam]

oceans and engines

#np ; same boat - lizzy mcalpine

/ ramble. eng.

i wrote a letter to you for the last time.

not that i would ever send it to you, of course. the scaredy-cat me wont ever let that happen. even if we never talk anymore, i still have to save my face. and thats the problem with me; i am too much of a coward to even think about it- to even contemplate. so i didnt, at all.

those feelings that ive never been brave enough to touch, clogged on my bottom corner of my heart and make me feel the weight everytime i take a breath. reminding me everyday that things mightve turned different if i was braver. if i dont carry too many problems with me. if i have the courage to take the leap.

as you see, i dont have much bravery to pursue my happiness. the past became a ball and a chain, circling around my ankle like some mid-century maiden prisoned for being witch-hunted. i need to dissolve those clogs by myself; so that the ball and chain will let me free, i know, so i dont regret not pursuing you.

on a blurry line between platonic and romantic, i never wished you to be my romantic partner. nor i ever brave enough to thought about it. so i just wrote the letter with much hesitation, without intent to ever send it to its recipient, and slipped it under my pillow to sleep for a night.

and with ever-so-slowly rising sunrise, i burned the letter. and for a moment, i can breath without feeling the weight from the corner of my heart.

i guess im only now finally letting you go. i numerously convinced myself that i have let you go, that i wouldnt want to be associated with you anymore; but then, questions still floated around my head like some bubble waiting to be popped. but then i burned them along with the letter. goodbye to those, im hoping.

wind blowed so much it blowed off the fire a few times, as if telling me not to burn them. for a moment i was shaken, but then no matter how many times wind blowed my fire, i would light them up again. im letting go. i wont hold any grudges anymore, nor will i care about you anymore. im closing one painful chapter of my life with you in it. i dont know what will happen in upcoming chapters, but then, no one ever knows for sure. maybe some time in distant future a character named you will come back to this book, but then, i dont want to think much about that.

for now, im content with just me, myself and i.

ㅡ a.

[eternal-moonbeam]

unforgiving.

np ; jun - silent boarding gate.

/ eng. ramble.

i used to always find ways to blame my failures on other things.

when fate told me that my plans wont be as easy, it was easy to blame other innocent beings, the other options. the what-ifs. the unsaid truths. things that others should've done to me, how i should've been treated. it was easy to justify your wrongdoings with others' non correlating mistakes. it was always about me.

sometimes i still do. on special occasions, people's wrong choices do shape your life's outcome. but now it wouldn't be fair if only i got to keep my white dress unstained, now would it?

some wrongdoings have no justification. you're just doing the wrong thing, that's all. took the wrong turn, got off on the wrong station, took liking on others' possessions. for those wrong choices that involved others, your only way to fix it is to apologize with full-on sense of remorse. some forgive, some don't, some forgive but don't forget. and it's okay, for it you've taken responsibility of your actions.

ever since i was little, i have always been told on how to apologize sincerely to others. how to not make it all about you. how to make sure the person i apologize to feel how sorry i am and i am willing to not do it again. i've always been bad at it, though. i don't know if people i've apologized to accepted them or not, but i can guarantee that i'm trying my best.

but i've never been told to apologize to myself. it's not until i stepped into adolescence that i learned that wrong choices could've been done to one's self too and not just others. before i realize, those mistakes already piling up before me.

i didn't know those been-due apologizes would affect me as much. instead of wanting myself to move forward, i feel like i'm holding myself back, trying to get me to apologize and let go. those mistakes keep haunting me, but i don't know how to say sorry to myself. i don't feel like i deserve it. people say it's cruel to one's self- to let them face everyday with untreated scars, but no matter how hard i tried opening my mouth to apologize, the words never came out. instead i keep doing bad things to myself and the apologizes become long overdue. the battle between concience and logic in my head keeps on full-on force all day, all night.

it has been really tiring. it really does. people come and go, the day and night keeps on rotating, and the ever-changing world doesn't wait for slowpokes like i am. i feel like i'm falling behind with no energy to get back on track. and there goes myself, blaming myself again on how did i let myself change from having everything together to scraping whichever pieces of broken-me that's left.

it has been really tiring, it does. i feel like i have to re-do all my life to make up for everything i've done wrong. people say it's humane to make wrong choices, and i do tell others that its okay to take wrong turns, wrong opportunities, wrong choices. but when will i be able to tell myself that it is okay?

ㅡ a.

[eternal-moonbeam]

kissing the moon.

np; shinee - 君がいる世界.

/ eng. ramble.

to you, my perpetual lover. let me write you a short love letter.

dear, have i told you when are the times i would fall for you over again even i have done that for the millionth time?

i love every moment i spend with you, but it's when sometimes when it becomes overwhelming.

i believe i've mentioned this to you many times already, but i never get to really voice them all out in the end. the end of my sentences always turn into sighs and slumped shoulder. my eyes can't cry me a river, as if i've used all i have left. as if i carry the entire world's misery on my back. and no one else is kind enough to lend me ears to listen, nor shoulder to cry on.

and everytime i do, you would smile at me and tell me it's fine. that it's okay if sun doesnt shine everyday. if the flower doesn't bloom on spring. if my summer is only filled with rain. if my winter is colder than others. you would say such beautiful strings of words wearing such a bright, complementing smile.

and everytime you do, that's when i fall in love for only god knows how many times.

when i tell god about you, i would always wear my best smile as only you filled my strings of conciousness. maybe the god himself knows already the habit of me ranting about you, even though god knows better about how you're doing. i would use every words human ever created to express the word beautiful, even when those words aren't enough. i would spell my love letter to you out loud, in hopes god would be graceful enough to deliver it to you.

you're everywhere, in my hum of your favorite song, in my choice of ice cream that you like, in my light steps under the sun, in my mind tossing around filled me up. you're everywhere, except in the empty spot beside me, but as the time flies i've been learning to make peace with the reality.

dear, i hope you have a pleasant time up there. i will always visit you when the dark rises, whether the clouds are kind enough or not, to not cover you from me. my strings of prayers and love confessions are always made for you, as you're the one keeping me on my feet until now. as now you've become a moon yourself, i will keep on looking for the brightest thing on the sky every night and say hello.

dear, please have patience until the universe decides it's time for us to be meeting again. until then, i will look up to the sky at dusk before anyone's awake, stole a kiss from the moon to be able getting through the day.

i loved you, i love you and will continue to love you without regrets, dear. until the end of time.

ㅡ a.

[eternal-moonbeam]

kamu, serupa pucat wujud salju di luar jendelaku, menangis.

; np : snow flower - taemin.

/ ina. ramble.

Aku tidak pernah tahu bagaimana rasanya dikelilingi oleh salju. Manusia tropis tidak diciptakan untuk menghadapi si cantik putih itu, kata orang. Namun bukan manusia namanya jika keingintahuan tidak pernah membuatnya hampir gila. Meskipun keingintahuan yang terpuaskan tidak selamanya berujung baik.

Entah Tuhan mendengar damba hambaNya yang rewel ini, namun ia mengirimkan eksistensi lain sebagai substitusi keingintahuanku. Ia datang dalam bentuk serupa denganku, hanya lebih cerah. Seperti seseorang menyalakan lampu dari dalam dirinya ; semakin aku tatap, semakin menyilaukan. Terkadang aku heran, bagaimana sebuah tubuh fana manusia mampu menampung sesuatu begitu tidak nyata.

Namun tentu Tuhan tetap membatasi gerakku untuk mengobservasi ciptaanNya satu ini. Mungkin takut jika aku merusaknya. Aku pun tidak sampai hati menodai langit cerahnya dengan awan gelapku. Biarlah dia tidak tahu akan eksistensiku yang tidak seberapa, biarlah aku mendamba dari kejauhan.

Makin dilihat, makhluk ini tidak ada habisnya menenangkan kecamuk hati yang sering kali datang menghampiriku. Tidak tahu kekuatan macam apa lagi yang Tuhan berikan padanya, tapi selain pucatnya ia dan senyumnya yang menyerupai mentari pagi hari, ia rupanya memiliki kekuatan untuk menularkan senyumnya pada pengamatnya. Haaah, bagaimana rasanya menjadi ciptaan kesayangan Tuhan?

Begitu pikirku, setidaknya dulu. Aku lupa kalau Tuhan selalu adil dalam pembagian porsi kebahagiaan maupun kemalangan ciptaanNya.

Si salju, meski tetap secerah biasanya setiap harinya, namun ada beberapa saat di mana aku melihat kepalanya tertunduk dalam dan aku tidak bisa melihat matanya yang biasanya bersinar seperti menampung seisi angkasa dan isinya. Pundaknya bergetar pelan, dan kedua tangannya bergantung di sisi badannya lunglai. Biasanya ia akan bertahan cukup lama dalam postur itu, dan ketika kepalanya mengadah, aku akan melihat dua anak sungai di wajahnya yang akan cepat - cepat diseka dengan punggung tangannya. Kemerahan pada pucuk hidungnya akan terlihat kontras dengan pucat pipinya, dan tarikan senyumnya tidak akan terlihat semulus biasanya. Dalam keadaan seperti itu pun, ia tetap akan berusaha menjadi dirinya yang cerah dan menjalani harinya seperti tak ada apapun yang terjadi.

Apa yang aku lihat membuatku ingin bertanya pada para bedebah beruntung yang diperbolehkan Tuhan lewat di hidupnya. Sedingin apakah ia hingga tak ada yang sudi merelakan hangat diri sedikit saja pada dirinya yang menggigil?

Karena jika para bedebah itu aku, hal pertama yang akan kulakukan adalah menggenggam tangannya yang menggigil. Persetan dengan mereka yang bilang ia nyaris sedingin Antartika.

Tangan itu akan terus menggigil di genggamanku, namun tidak apa. Aku akan terus menggenggamnya untuknya demi ia bisa merasakan secercah kehangatan barang sedikit, tidak peduli jika hipotermia menenggelamkanku. Seiring jariku mengelus punggung tangannya, aku akan menyeka air matanya dengan tanganku sendiri dan membisikkan kata - kata yang kuharap dapat ia percayai.

Pasti melelahkan dan sepi untukmu, ya?

Semua ini bukan, dan tidak pernah menjadi salahmu.

Jika aku bisa memberimu semua cinta di dunia, sudah kuberikan sejak pertama kali aku melihatmu.

Kamu telah menjadi penolongku dari awan gelapku, dan kuharap genggaman tanganku bisa mengusir badai salju dalam dirimu walau sekejap.

Jadi tidak apa - apa. Keluarkan saja. Akan kutampung kesedihanmu.

Tempat di sampingmu tak akan pernah kosong, karena aku tidak akan berpindah dari tempatku.

Iya, andaikan aku para bedebah itu.

Sayangnya, aku bukan.

Sayangnya aku hanya bisa berharap ia mengetahui bahwa seseorang di luar sana tetap mencintainya sebagaimana adanya ia.

ㅡ a.

[eternal-moonbeam]

one step at the time, one foot in front of the other.

/word vomit ficlet. not self-indulged.

the faint april wind breeze didnt even make her flinch, even when the breeze tend to be colder on sunsets afterwards. the sand beneath her feet sent cozy feeling onto her sensory, as she let out a deep sigh watching waves chasing after the other. no words came out of her, not that she had to, since as far as you could look, there was only her, accompanied by herself at the beach that evening. it was both calming and lonely, to stood before the vast ocean all by herself. she felt herself getting smaller as she scanned where the sea could possibly end, and only to realize even that place wasnt the place where it actually ends.

great, big enough to hug me tight and lull me to sleep.

she placed her shoes which she both carried with one hand onto her side, at the place where waves and sea foams couldnt catch. she put her wristwatch close to her shoes, and lastly reached for her phone in her pocket and dialed a number she had remembered for god knows how long. it took only two rings before the other side of the phone picked up.

hello?

his voice was still warm as ever, and listening to them made her feeling a little fuzzy inside after a long time. she didnt answer the greeting, so he repeated once, and twice. after the third time and gradually more worried tone, she answered with a faint voice.

have you ever just want to sleep?

it took him a second to think and answered,

yes.

would you understand me if i want to go to bed early?

took him more seconds before he answered,

you would have to elaborate the context first.

she desperately fought back the urge to let herself loose and cry at the answer, so she continued on.

the sea looks very lonely today. i dont know why. it seems lovely, though. seems like it would love a long hug from someone.

silence followed that sentence. she swallowed back a sob before continuing with gradually fainter voice,

if you look through my left desk drawer, there's a bunch of folded paper. one of them is yours, look through the names. after that go to my closet, you'll see a blue box on the back. give that to my mom. my phone password is 354657 if you need anything.

the silence following that was thick, before the other side of the phone spoke with a firm tone.

stay where you are, ill be there soon.

the call ended as soon as the other spoke. she didnt hear the slight wavering tone in his voice, too distracted by more voices inside her head.

despite the warm color of the sky, she felt insanely numb at the given moment. she looked above her and saw a few pigeons soared low, making a choked sound birds usually do. the breeze was getting stronger as the sun slowly slided down the horizon, making her hair all dishelved but she couldnt care less. she put her phone down, next to the shoes, as the heavy feeling on right below her heart made her dizzy. she let out another deep sigh.

without much thought she dragged lazy steps towards the welcoming waves of the ocean. the sand gradually became wetter with the water, and when finally her toes got kissed by the sea, she suddenly choked up on her own tears and stopped on her track. she stared at her feet as the waves made open arms and came for her, then retreating back, then another wave attempted the same. it was endearing to look at something that actually reaches out to her.

the sound of the waves became louder as she slowly moved closer, an inch to another inch, one step after another. the cold of the sea already reached her waist before something stopped her again in her track by grabbing her hand and yanked her back to the shore.

she didnt fight back at the sudden force, in fact she didnt even respond. the force dragged her back all the way to the sandy beach, back to where she placed her belongings. the sand now latching on her lower body. she sat on the sand with both hands lay motionless beside her, as the force pulling her let her hand go and now sat beside her, whole body shaking if someone paid attention to.

i thought i said stay where you are?

she didnt look at the one speaking, instead just giving a soulless look towards the sea. the breeze was actually making her chilly this time, given the half of her body was soaked. the person beside her let out a frustrated sigh and lowered his head down. another silence greeted them as both of them dont know how to speak their minds.

im such a selfish person, arent i?

after a long pause, he looked at her and found the sunken look in her eyes truly heartbreaking. it used to hold the universe, so full of life. it used to send him meaning and make him remember that there's still a possible rainbow even after the heaviest rain. he wanted to absolutely perish everything that took the stars from her eyes, but not even he had the power to.

to think that im the absolute terrible person in the whole world itself is already a selfish act, dont you think?

many people had it worse than me, yet they still stand on both feet and carry on. i wonder why i dont have the power for that. why dont i have the will. what makes me different from those who holding on. what makes me this weak. i wonder what couldve been different if it wasnt me.

he didnt answer as he got choked up and wont let her know that he's holding back a sob from a little while ago. he hated the fact he didnt even have the power to stop himself breaking down after seeing her like this. he hoped he had more strength than what he had now. he wished for anything that made her sunny sky turned into dark clouds the absolute worst.

you know you were never anyone's competition to begin with, right?

and the fact that it was never your fault.

just like that, she let her walls down, and let the tears rolled down her cheek, soundless. she knew. but something in her head told her to not believe in slightest ray of hope.

for the first time after she got dragged back to the beach, she looked back at the person beside her and pull the corner of her mouth into a nice, but visibly pitiful crescent. tears were still rolling down her cheek with no end but she let out no sound.

im taking my time to learn how to believe in that.

both of them didnt say anything vocally after that, letting their eyes conversing things they couldnt say with their own mouth. he took her hand into his and started caressing the back of her hand with his tumb, carefully like she would break like a glass.

ill be there to make sure you learn properly how to.

the sun had gone back to its slumber and left strays of yellow-ish lights on the sky. the sound of the waves crashing the shore was the only thing accompanying them now, both gone silent after the unofficial vow. it wouldnt be easy, both of them knew that. but progressing together was still a lot better than carrying on without the other.

ㅡa.

[eternal-moonbeam]

the end of all things.

# np ; jonghyun - im sorry.

/eng. lapslock. rambles.

im thinking about ending it all.

the thought has been tossing around in my mind since long ago, but recently it has consumed larger part of my thoughts, more than before. i unconciously search for ways to attempt one. i'm close to start hurting myself again- i was already holding the cutter and pressed it to the skin on my thigh when i started sobbing uncontrollably and called someone. i dont even know why i thought about calling them. maybe a cry for help? since i almost couldnt control myself any longer.

i dont know what has caused this to arise again. what couldve woken up something i thought i had buried a year ago? why would i do that? am i looking for attention? am i just lonely? but why cant i control this emotion and feel like nothing ive pursued matters anymore? am i the defect of society?

i shouldnt be here anymore.

its dark in here. it is. but i dont know how to get out. its too dark. too deep. too many voices. those voices are saying bad things and im starting to believe them. its like they proved that all my nightmares are true.

i no longer function well.

or maybe i was never been functioning as i should from the start?

even my scream of help is buried with another string of thoughts such like, who are you to ask for help?

i mean, theyre right. who am i to ask? im nobody. i serve no function to society. im not the perfect child or sibling and most probably not a good friend either. there are tons of better people than me. it would be a waste to save me.

should i end this?

best if i could make it look like an accident, right?

the question left is only the question of how.

ㅡa.

[eternal-moonbeam]

caterpillars took some time before turning pretty.

#np ; don't hate me - akdong musician.

/eng. lapslock. rambles.

there are steps in life, that's what i've (recently, much to the dissappointment) learnt. at least in the cycle of human relations. things are pretty rough at the start for people like me who easily gets drained out from interactions. but founding people who understand and willing to match their energy with me is always worth the drain.

i've never been the one with many friends. people may even frown upon my name being mentioned. that's maybe why i cherish every single one that are willing to linger around longer than others. i swear i never have any ill intentions to those i cherish. i want them to stick around even longer.

but sometimes you cant help but hurt people, even those you handle with care. and when those situations occur, the only thing you can do is to apologize, take the blame and feel bad for only heavens know how long. some heavily-torn web might even not be able to be mended with the strings of apologizes, and you have to suffer from another loss and pretend to be cool about it.

i want to believe the strings of hearts i've torn in the past few months are still reparable. i want to believe that this would pass as a phase, and somewhere in the future me and them would laugh this off like some embarassing childish acts. like how rainbow comes after rain, and like how caterpillars turn into pretty butterflies after a hibernating phase. i want to believe those, i really do.

i dont know is it really a realistic, optimistic point of view of mine or just a hope showing a weak glow saying, i cant lose another person.

ㅡ a.

[eternal-moonbeam]

im afraid that you might turn into me.

#np ; day6 - afraid.

/eng, lapslock, rambles.

lately i've been taking time to reflect on myself. how people perceive me, how i perceive people. trying to put on somebody else's shoes and see myself. how i see the world, how world would see me. what i should do, what i should've done.

ive always been seeing people as rain. not necessarily like those that crushes over things, but ranging from drizzle to storm. and i realize i've been a storm myself, seeing how much i've been putting my closest ones to worry. a dark one, that is. that one storm that no one expects coming and would rumbles ground beneath your house. the one that is full with enormous cumulonimbus clouds, only blows wind and heavily rains but never thunders.

and im scared someday i would lose the eye of my storm and crushes everything. i know i still have it deep down, the eye, the calm of the storm. but i dont know how to stop. how to get rid of the dark clouds and turn pours into drizzles. i need to but i dont know how to.

that's why i've been staying away. im afraid. im afraid i might crush them. or more, they might turn into me. their drizzles forming into large droplets, multiplicating, pouring heavily. i dont want them to share the same dark cloud. they shouldnt.

they should stay as drizzles. so that they'll stay light and they still have chance seeing sun shines after their own rains.

im afraid.

im afraid.

im so afraid.

ㅡ a.

[eternal-moonbeam]

might just be a rose.

#np ; rose - eaj.

it came and went by. the thing i couldn't say with my mouth but i would gladly scream out loud in my head.

it mentally tires me because it doesn't take any bit of pity it could get on me. it drains me down because i can't fight it back. it always held me by my neck and whispered filths to my ears while choking me in the air. left me gasping, suffocated, breathless. got me thinking about what's left to be pursued because nothing seems worth the pain anymore.

it didn't stay simultaneously for days but i know it will stay for a long term. sometimes it stayed for a couple hours or even a few weeks, nothing in between. it came without warning, ruining everything i once believed by forcing me changing the thought about the little things into negative terms at least 3 times a day. it haunted me, got me to piggy-ride it behind my back as it lulled me into destroying myself.

at times when my special guest arrives, i would like to tell someone about it. i really do. i really want to pour about how much i hate myself that slowly turned crazy by some little parasite on my spine. but no voice ever came out. they got silenced before they even roared theirselves.

what you see depends from where you set your eye, they said.

as if i called this thing upon myself.

as if i am the crazy one, they thought.

right, right. indeed we are just broken windows with those shattered glass biased your vision.

indeed, the thing weighing my back might be me calling problems upon myself for some pity, and those blood on the floor might just be a rose, too.

ㅡ a.